Act 1 Lines (Jo)

Orla: Now remember, don’t. Jump out til ye see the whites of their eyes!

(Enter Down Right) This is it, Lily. Our new home. What do you think of the place?

Lily: I like it. It looks like something out of The Blair Witch Project.

Hopefully it won’t look like this for long. With a little elbow grease and lots of Lemon Pledge, we can make this the finest bed and breakfast in Salem, Massachusetts!

Lily: Do you think it could be haunted?

Now, Lily. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, there’s no such thing as ghosts.

Lily: Well, you know that, and I know that, but who’s going to tell the ghosts?

Ha-ha. Very funny.

Orla: No! Not until ye see the whites of their eyes!

Did you say something, Lily?

Lily: No. I though you said something.

Hmm… Must have been the wind rattling the shutters. I suppose I’ll have to fix those. (Open box)

Lily: I wish my friends were here. It’s not going to be any fun without them!

Look, honey. I know it’s tough to move away from the only home you’ve ever known, but I had to seize this opportunity. I didn’t even know this house was still in the family until my great-uncle Ed died.

Lily: Why not?

Apparently, there was a falling out between my grandma and her brother a long time ago. Uncle Ed got the house, and my grandma packed up and moved to California. We wouldn’t have gotten this place at all except Uncle Ed died without a will, and it turns out I’m his next of kin.

Lily: If Uncle Ed got the house, why did it sit abandoned for so long? Why didn’t he live in it?

Oh, well that’s where you get into the curse of the Crenshaws.

Lily: Our family is cursed?! You never told me that!

I didn’t know it myself until the lawyer told me. It seems some family tragedy happened here long ago, but he didn’t have the details.

Lily: Ooh! Maybe there was a bloody axe murder or a deadly werewolf attack!

You watch too many horror movies.

Lily: Do you mind of I open the curtains? It’s kind of stuffy in here.

Sure. I’ll bring in a couple more boxes. (Exit right)

Roland: Ahh!

(Run on right) Oh my gosh, Lily! Are you all right?

Cassandra: You don’t take direction very well, do you?

Whoa!

Lily: Mom! I thought you said there was no such thing as ghosts!

That’s right! There aren’t!

Orla: What do ye call us, then?

You? Why… you must be a figment of my imagination! Yes, a hallucination brought on by a combination of stress and exhaustion! That’s it! I must be so exhausted my mind is playing tricks on me!

Cassandra: If I were a figment of your imagination, would I be able to do this?

I don’t know. What are you doing?

Cassandra: I’m creating a cold spot to chill your blood and make shivers run up and down your spine!

Nope. Don’t feel it.

Barney: (knocks something off) There.

Is that it?

Barney: What? I’m a poltergeist. It’s what I do.

I think it would be scarier if we couldn’t see you.

Lily: Oh, sure. There’s Cry of the Banshee, with Vincent Price. Scream of the Banshee, with Lauren Holly. And of course the award-winning short titled just Banshee.

Way too many horror movies.

Orla: Ah, ‘tis a grand thing, the Shriek. But if the others won’t let me use it, then I’ll jest have to throw ye out!

Over my dead body.

Lily: Uh, Mom? Don’t give them any ideas.

Look. It’s always been my dream to open a B&B. And now that I’ve inherited this house, I have every intention of turning it into one. But I’m not about to share it with the five of you. That’s too many ghosts! Heck, one ghost would be too many!

Sophie: Back up. You’re turning this house into a what?

A B&B… You know, bed and breakfast?… An inn.

Roland: Wait, you mean you’re going to allow strangers in here?

Yes. That’s generally how an inn works. (Ghosts react) What’s the big deal? This used to be a boarding house, didn’t it?