Peter and The Starcatcher Prentiss

BOY: When I was a boy, I wished I could fly.

Me too.

ASTER: Eventually, of course, we dream other dreams.

We change.

MOLLY: -mothers-

-orphans-

MOLLY: -a life that made her insatiably curious, insufferably bright and pretty much friendless at school.

Friendless! Ha!

TED: What ship? What trip?

Sorry, I'm lost.

MOLLY: Boys!

We're lost!

STACHE: And so it was, on the brink of a new adventure-

-that three filthy orphans-

SCOTT: MAKE YER COURSE! SAY YER G'BYES!

G'bye to who?

MOLLY: God Save Her.

GOD SAVE HER.

MOLLY: I can.

WE CAN.

ALF: If it ain't the three little piggies! Got yer sea-legs?

Get us out of here! Please!

ALF: Oi!

Excuse me, sir. Quick question for the Captain-

ALF: What are you, piggy spokesman?

I'm the leader.

TED: No, you're not.

Yes I am. I'm the oldest.

ALF: You'll wanna swallow that down quick. Bone uppity. (Ted devours the contents.)

Any good?

TED: IT'S ALIVE!

It's worms!

TED: He fed me worms!

I won't eat that.

ALF: In my day, pigs weren't quite so particular.

Don't hog it all. Gimme!

BOY: YOU! WAIT!

What're you doing?

ALF: Belay that "you"! I'm called Mister on this vessel - mark of respect for a lifetime of seafaring.

Never mind him. He's got a real problem with authority.

TED: I got a sick feeling about this.

I'll think of something.

TED: What is it?!

What are you?

MOLLY: I'm a girl.

No way.

TED: We saw a girl once-

-headmaster's daughter.

MOLLY: Who's the leader here?

Who wants to know?

MOLLY: Molly Aster. Doctor Pretorius back home says I have an extraordinary high level of brain power.

If you're so smart, how come you're stuck on this dirt-bucket?

MOLLY: I'm not stuck. I'm going to meet my father in Rundoon. He has important things to do.

We have important things to do.

TED: No we don't.

I'm the leader, and I say we got some things.

MOLLY: I only celebrate odd numbered birthdays.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, doesn't matter how old you are! I'm still the leader. The leader has to be a boy.

TED: TED! I'm TED!

But I call him Tubby, 'cuz he's food-obsessed.

TED: I am not food ob-

D'you write poems about pie?

TED: To pass the time-

Hide beans in your blanket?

TED: It's a blood-sugar thing

Faint at the merest whisper of - get this - sticky pudding!

TED: Sticky pudding, it's so good…

Like I said, food-obsessed. I'm Prentiss. I'm in charge here.

TED: Don't take it personally.

He's rude to everybody.

TED: It's why he gets beatings.

And why he's got no friends.

TED: He doesn't have a name.

Been orphan'd too long to remember.

TED: Grempkin calls him-

-mule!

BOY: Go on! You and your stupid names go follow some stupid girl!

Like we need your permission, friendless.

TED: What about the food?

You can be like temporary leader - but only 'till we eat.

NARRATOR BOY: -still he believed-

-despite his distress and sorrow-

NARRATOR GREGGORS: We shift our attention now to the other ship, barreling due south at a brisk twelve knots. That fine British frigate-

-THE WASP!-

MOLLY: My father. He's in trouble.

Your neck-thing is glowing.

MOLLY: Don;t ask me about that.

I can ask whatever I want. I'm the leader.

BOY: There's that ringing again-

Her neck-thing-

TED: Cat-!

Flying!

MOLLY: No it wasn't.

Yes it was! Tubby's right! Your neck-thing was ringing and Slank's cat was totally fly-

Molly- oh, ha ha, very amus- omigosh, you poor things. You've never had a bedtime story?

This might sound kinda defensive-

BOY: Tell you what. You say "sorry" so easy, like the rough patch's smoothed over, no hard feelings and everything's fixed. Well, no. There's dark … a mass of darkness in the world, and if you get trapped in that cave like us, it beats you down. "Sorry" can't fix it. Better to say nothing than "sorry."

When it's night, and I'm too scared to sleep, I look through the cracks, y'know? - between the wood nailed over the window - and I see all those little stars that I can't reach, and I think that in a hundred years, or two or three hundred maybe, boys'll be free and life'll be so beautiful that nobody'll ever say "sorry" again - 'cuz nobody'll have to. I think about that a lot.

Well, that's more than he said in the last thirteen years.

BOY: I can.

WE CAN

NARRATORS STACHE AND MOLLY: Wind 47 knots!

GALE WARNING! The ship's wheel careens across the deck and spins out to sea-

NARRATORS ASTER, TED, BOY, SCOTT: Wind 55 knots! Strong gale, rolling seas, blowing spray!

The Neverland crashes into the waves!

STACHE: Neverland, HO! Victory is OURS! Well, MINE!

WIND 63 KNOTS: HURRICANO! VIOLENT STORM! VISIBILITY GONE! WHOLE WAVES! BLACK SKIES! RED OVER WHITE OVER RED!

SLANK: Save yer trunk, Bill. Get the trunk to Zarboff and you'll be too posh to push!

Wind 67 knots! That's 200 miles- Everybody! THAT'S 200 MILES PER HOUR! LARGE WAVES OVER 50 FEET! DISASTER! DESTRUCTION! DEVASTATION!

MOLLY: Pretty cheeky.

Yeah, awesome - and now there's pirates everywhere! Good move, ace.

BOY: I could do more.

Well, I'm still the leader.

MOLLY: Then help me get the trunk out of Slank's cabin and onto the Wasp!

Sorry, not our issue.

TED: You're different, you know that? Don't you think he's different?

We should definitely wait here. We'll be safer.

BOY: There's more important things in this world than saving your own neck.

Like what?

NARRATOR SCOTT: And, up on deck, two captains square off for the greatest of grand prizes!

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for coming out on this stormy night for our featured bout! In this corner, direct from Slough by way of Despond, with the intimacy issues and the claggy knickers, it's no mother's son and no man's pal: BILL "THE RAT BASTARD" SLANK!

And in this corner, sporting his famous flavor-savor since the tender age of ten, the most fearsome pirate on the pike, all hands on deck for THE BLACK STACHE!

This is a one-round knockout match. Kicking, spitting, and gouging is preferred. Hitting below the belt is not required, though the fans tend to like it.

ALL: WE LOVE IT!

Now shake hands and come out rhyming!

PETER: Thank you!

You ready for this? Teddy floats! We jumped overboard and I held on to Teddy, and the two of us bobbed all the way here!

PETER: Prentiss!

No-name!

TED: Solid.

Whatever.

PETER: Look, the Wasp! Way out there, you see it? It's still in one piece.

Oh no - I see where this is going.

TED: Where's Mother?

For the love of - Her name is Molly! And she probably drowned.

PETER: Or maybe Molly's down there, in the jungle.

I say we wait for her up here.

TED: Hey, i think I found some- Sweet! Ow!

Branches, branches… guy's got a jones for branches-

PETER: To build a raft, you know, so we can float out to the Wasp. We get to the Wasp, Molly's father'll have to take us.

Where?

TED: Crystal. Ew. Your hand's all sweaty.

Yeah, 'cuz perspiration's the mark of true leadership.

PETER: Are we good?

Yes!

MOLLUSKS: VINO BIANCO! TREBBIANO! MOSCAT! PINOT GRIGIO!

You said hang on to each other Peter!

MOLLUSKS: CANNOLI!

I can't see a thing!

STACHE: There! Footprints!

Something's chasing me!

TED: Help, I'm hungry!

Help, I'm lost!

STACHE: I'm sweating, Smee!

Which way is down?!

FIGHTING PRAWN: If I must. Preferez-vous que je parle francais?

But you're savages!

HAWKING CLAM: Come, it is time.

Time?

FIGHTING PRAWN: You must answer to the law: The Law of Mister Grin.

Who's Mister Grin?

FIGHTING PRAWN: One minute, starting… NOW!

Um… One at a time-

FIGHTING PRAWN: Tick-tock, tick-tock… hungry, Mister Grin?

Okay, okay! Once upon a time, there was a beautiful baby Princess. Waaah!

TED: And an evil witch with a curse: A-ha-ha!

Waaah!

(1) TED: A-ha-ha!

Waaah!

PETER: And the curse was very terrible, for every time the baby cried-

Waaah!

PETER: -the whole kingdom would fall asleep!

Waaah!

(2) TED: A-ha-ha!

Waaah!

(3) TED: A-ha-ha!

Waaah!

(4) TED: A-ha-ha!

AND BEAUTY WAS HER NAME-OH! So the King marched over to his favorite horse!

(1) TED: Naaayyy!

And he rode to the tallest tree- And he climbed up tp speak to the wise old owl!

TED: Whooo?

The King, a real leader, sorta like me-

(2) TED: Naaayyy!

Focus, Piggy Boy!

TED: And soon the princess was old enough to talk-

"Hi. I'm sixteen, I'm beautiful, and I'm in the market for something long-term…"

PETER: But nobody could stay awake ling enough to kiss her!

And everybody got so sleepy all of a suddennnn…

TED: "And that's the story of Sticky Pudding-"

SLEEPING BEAUTY!

MOLLY: Although Ted has real talent.

Hey, I have talent!

PETER: So you let us live, right? That was the deal.

Which is so great, see, 'cuz you need us! We can so all the things you guys don't wanna do anymore. We're foreigners - that's what we're for!

NARRATOR ASTER: Such life and death decisions are generally made by the English, not for the English. Worse yet, the walls of Mister Grin's cage are very high. Too high for any boy or girl to climb. too dark to see the crocodile in from of your face. And those hard things the boys are sitting on - they feel like bones. All in all, it's a bad day to be British.

Teddy, I hope that was your stomach.