Mrs. Bennet Lines - Pride and Prejudice by Kate Hamill

(SCENE 1) MRS. BENNET pops through, frantically ringing a bell

MR. BENNET! Mr. Bennet. Mr. Bennet! Come, sir! Come come come!

(SCENE 1) The Bennets’ living room. Mr. Bennet busies himself with a newspaper; he does not move. As Mrs. Bennet ticks off her daughters, they busy themselves. Jane and Lizzy embroider; Mary sits at the piano; Lydia examines her hair for split ends. Mrs. Bennet begins with confidence that everybody will listen to her; nobody listens.

Girls! Jane, Lizzy, Lydia— (Little shock.) oh, God, Mary—Lydia! All of you, TRY to Remain CALM— (She grabs the hands of Jane and Lizzy.) but NETHERFIELD PARK! IS LET AT LAST! (Mr. Bennet flips his newspaper back up.) MR. BENNET! (She marches over to him. She tugs on him.) Out with you, up with you, gogogogo this moment, for it is lent to a MR. BINGLEY, a fellow of LARGE INCOME! And Mr. Bennet; HE! IS!…SINGLE!!! (Pause. Mary coughs. No response.) What a CONQUEST for our daughters, if only you will call on him first—MR. BENNET!

MR. BENNET: How can it possibly affect them, my dear? LIZZY: It is a truth universally acknowledge that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife, pappa.

—exactly, THANK you, Lizzy, and i'm sure that he'll settle for one of them! But you must get there before horse-faced Charlotte Lucas!

JANE: mamma! charlotte is our friend

Well, your horse-faced friend Charlotte's MOTHER is a shameless fortune-hunter, Jane, and shall snap him up in a trice if you do not gogoGO.

MR. BENNET: Mr. Bingley may have any of the girls he chooses—though I will throw in a good word for Lizzy.

LIZZY: thank you, pappa.

Lizzy is not a bit better than the others—not half so handsome as Jane, nor so good-humored as Lydia—

LIZZY: thank you mamma

—though you will have your favorite!

MARY: mamma?!

And she is not so—so—tall as Mary.

MR BENNET: they had none of them much to recommend, my dear

Well we NEVER SHALL be rid of them if you will not visit even one VERY PROMISING gentlemen who has practically fallen INTO OUR LAPS— (She pulls him; Mary coughs.) Stop that, Mary, you’ll tear my nerves to pieces!

MARY: i do not cough for my own amusement!

Fine! Fine. (She steals Mr. Bennet’s newspaper, huffing off to her seat and sitting in wounded dignity. She twists and crumples the paper, which pains him.) You delight in vexing me! You have no compassion for my nerves, which may at any moment SNAP and FELL me like a / wounded-

MR. BENNET: My / dear i have high respect for your nerves! they are my old friends. i have been acquainted with them for twenty years at least.

DO NOT BLAME YOUR father girls, when he DROPS DEAD—

MR. BENNET: i say-

—before providing for your futures! For as you know this estate is entitled away from us after he dies, and when you are all left penniless old maids begging on the street for you bread it will be TOO LATE THEN to CRY!

JANE: mamma, please don't work yourself up so, we're almost out of salts.

NONONO TEARS, LYDIA! Your father DOES as HE THINKS BEST as the MAN of THIS HOUSEHOLD—

MR BENNET: i testify to nothing but that he has two eyes, one mouth, presumably two of everything that ought to be in pairs and one of everything single-

Oooh—

MR BENNET: that he brings in 5,000 pounds a year and that he will attend the long's ball on tuesday

Five thousand a year!!! Oh, Mr. Bennet! Dear Mr. Bennet! How good you are— (She attacks and kisses him.) ooh Mr. Bennet—

MR BENNET: i hope i have bought a moment's peace. now mary, cough as much as you choose

Lydia, though you are the youngest, I daresay Mr. Bingley will dance with you first—but you must have new slippers. MR. BENNET! MR. BENNET!

(SCENE 2) The Long’s ball. Mrs. Bennet has a cup of alcoholic punch; Lydia steals sips. Mr. Bennet trails behind, glancing at a folded-up newspaper. Ladies and gentlemen all mingle and ogle each other. It’s a meat market. DING. DING. DING.

In line now, girls—ATTEN-TION! Do stand straight, no man likes a hunchback and it does not—display—you—to—advantage— (Mary shock!) Oh—God—Mary—maybe just…step back a little—

MARY: this dress itches

Smiles! Smiles! Doattempt to look agreeable, Lizzy, this may be your last chance. (She hands Lydia the cup.) And with you in full parade, I shall serve as a vanguard. YOOHOO, MRS LONG—HOW IS YOUR BOY WITH THE SCROFULA—AND IS HE HERE TONIGHT?

CHARLOTTE: i spy your mother ensnaring mrs. longs scabby son for you now-

(Don't squeeze it, Steve!)

MISS BINGLEY: are you getting hot?

Lizzy! Keep a lookout, Mr. Bingley has arrived, but he brought his friend Mr. Darcy who is worth — ten thousand a year—Lizzy do look lively!

DARCY: It is a compliment I never pay. Punch. Hot Punch. MISS BINGLEY: Oh—!

DO YOU SEE, Charlotte, of all of the girls, Mr. Bingley chooses Jane—Five thousand a year! She shall catch him up in a trice, and all of our troubles will be over!!

LIZZY: yes, mamma yes who cares if mr. bingley is amiable or decent or even breathing, all that matters is that we'll win! 5,000 a year, if only jane can ensnare him!

Yes! (Lizzy spills punch on Darcy.) Watch, Charlotte, how I turn one skirmish into two victories!

CHARLOTTE: mrs. bennet-

(Under her breath.) SURPRISE! ATTACK! How could you be so careless as to spill upon Mr. Darcy? MISTER. DARCY. I am Mrs. Bennet sir, and this is my single daughter, Elizabeth.

(LONG'S BALL) LIZZY: mamma!

Is it soaking— (dabs at Darcy’s pants) —such a shame—

DARCY: madame!

Oh, you naughty girl! However shall you punish her?

LIZZY: i- (she cannot even finish her sentence; mrs. bennet smacks her)

Look! at! that! blush! Won't you show her that imperfection is easily forgiven by a true gentleman, and stand to a dance? Your friend Bingley has claimed my eldest, but Lizzy here is free. Very free, indeed.

DARCY: i would not want to get you wet.

Elizabeth, go and apologize!

DARCY: bingley i must take my leave

It is much too charming, is what it is.

DARCY: i am not fit to be seen. i look-laughable!

We cannot surrender on the first sally!

LYDIA: mammaaa i sh'wiped the captin'sh coronet!

(Much too loud.) Punch and punch and punch again. Shall every girl in this family be undone by the demon drink?!

BINGLEY: miss bennet-i hope i shall see you again

YES! YES, she says Yes ahaha Mr. Bingley, she would LOVE to see you again VERY SOON.

(SCENE 4) chime of a clock. the next day-the bennet's living room. jane exists. lydia and mary toss a ball between them. mrs bennet dances

we could not be better positioned for victory mr bennet! oh bingley admired jane so openly-danced with her all evening, hadn't a glance for another lady! charlotte lucas was beside herself with nasty spiteful jealousy! and now to have jane invited specially to netherfield park overnight!

LIZZY: she was not invited overnight, mama! they had to ask her to stay because you sent her to tea on horseback, and when it rained you would not send the carriage to collect her. which is very-

-very clever, my dear! but this not my first sally in the field! i won your father, didn't i? and wasn't he a prize!

MR BENNET: HAVE CONSUMPTION OR BE DONE WITH IT

now what did mr bingley say exactly? what did he say again, lydia?

LYDIA: mr. robinson asked mr bingley whcih he thought the prettiest woman in the room. and he said "miss jane benent beyond a doubt!""

"miss jane bennet, beyond a doubt!" excellent overhearing lydia, very well-played!

LYDIA: you cannot say so, elizabeth! "vulgar country mothers pushing their spinster daughters"

not all men are so worth listening to, are they? poor lizzy! can you believe my dear, mr darcy so rude? but everybody says that he is et up with pride and i daresay he thought we were beneath him

LIZZY: pappa, i may safely promise never to do so.

such a waste of 10,000 pounds!

LYDIA: if i were as rich as mr darcy, i should not care how proud people thought i saw! i would own a hundred dresses, and drink a bottle of wine every day!

then you would drink more than you ought, and i would take your bottle directly!

LYDIA: you wouldn't-

i would!

LYDIA: YOU WOULD'T

I WOU-oh! it is from jane! she says we should not expect her back today for she has taken ill and the doctor advises her quite seriously to rest. oh. OH! ISN'T THIS WONDERFUL! send back word that jane may say as long as she likes! that she may stay FOREVER!

LIZZY: mamma! shouldn't we send the carraige, and let jane recover at home?

the-are YOU feeling quite well, elizabeth?

LIZZY: pappa-

she might as well be ill where it is advantageous!

MARY: we hear often of sickness from love; perhaps this is a case of love from (cough, cough, cough; her father glares at her): sickness

very well said mary! indeed!

LIZZY: if you will not bring jane to us, i will go to her myself!

i forbid you to do so! you may not have the carriage!

LIZZY: then i shall walk!

mr bennet! come lizzy! comecomecome!

(SCENE 7) mrs. bennet sweeps on, waving an inviation.

SO well done my dear, so clever! i'm glad to see you taking serious action at last!

JANE: there was not stratagem in a common cold, mamma

it is a pity you recovered. but it served. you have bewitched mr bingley! he throws his ball to a purpose! he prepares his ambush-and you must take care...to be...conquered!

LIZZY: speaking nonsennnnnse!

you will engage him in earnest, won't you jane? you won't be to diffident, will you?

JANE: i will do all that is appropriate!

oh! you have always been my favorite! the rest of you are NOTHING to jane! 5,000 a year-i cannot wait to see charlotte lucas' face!

LYDIA: (from offstage) MAMMAAAAA!

lydia-

MARY: mamma.

oh, mary!

LYDIA: you are all too stupid- JANE: a rat-not a rat, lydia-

LYDIA YOU'LL TEAR MY NERVES TO PIECES!

LIZZY: lydia, you shouldn't be bringing strange men home!

why not?

LYDIA: -you're welcome! (the ladies start up; he's pretty good-looking)

my daughters: jane and elizabeth-mr wickham

WICKHAM: (bows)

mr wickham has recently taken a comission in the regiment, as a colonel-sir?

WICKHAM: only a lieutenant, i'm afraid.

ah well that's...laudable. won't you take a seat by...elizabeth here, while i fetch mr bennet? it may take a moment...he's at his paper

LIZZY: yank you. yanks too. thank

mr bennet will be in presently-

WICKHAM: i must be on my way, ma'am, i only wanted to escort the little girls home safely. miss lizzy-i do hope i will see you at the ball?

what a charming man...but only a lieutenant

LIZZY: not me!

well you ought to!

LIZZY: lydia, even if i was tempted, mr wickham is...inappropriate. your matchmaking is inappropriate. this CONVERSATION is inappropriate!

girls, girls, please! my nerves! (mary coughs) NO!

MARY: see? inappropriate AND unserious!

only a lieutenant, mr bennet

MR BENNET: i have had an intriguing letter. i hope you can accommodate another young man for dinner tomorrow, madame!

(a huge theatrical gasp and squeal) MR. BINGLEY! OOH JANE! YOU CLEVER! CLEVER! CREATURE!

MR BENNET: no, my dear. it is my cousin, mr collins

MISTER-

MR BENNET: the very same villain who shall inherit this estate when i am finally dead and at blessed blessed peace. he writes to propose a visit- (LISTEN OUT FOR - MR BENNET: - and i must inform you that he is single!)

NO NO I WON'T ALLOW HIM, MR BENNET! MY NERVES CAN'T STAND IT! he only comes to count the silver! oh OH! OHHH!

MR BENNET: if you girls can manage not to frighten him away-

OH MR BENNET!

MR BENNET: no, no! release me!

with so many bachelors nowadays-there must be a match for everyone...even mary!

MR COLLINS: i flatter myself that my overtures are meritorious-creditable-COMMENDABLE, and that you will not reject-refuse-SPURN this proffe-red...olive...brrr-anch

well said mr collins! of course we are VERY open to any connection between our houses. ANY connection, sir

MR COLLINS: eh-eh-eh. ENTRANCED

it is your duty girls, to show mr collins all of meryton's charms! and i hope you will stand with my daughters, sir at mr bingley's ball?

LYDIA: (agahst) noooo-

yes-

LYDIA: NO-

YES-

MR COLLINS: mrs. bennet-i am most determined to heal the rift between our households. to be plain: i am a bachelors and thank to my noble patroness, LADY CATHERINE DE BURGH

lady catherine de burgh!

MR COLLINS: i am a man of some notable-estimable-considerable...fortune?

oh, mr collins!

MR COLLINS: your eldest daughter-

jane

MR COLLINS: jane. is excessively pretty.

i must inform you that jane is spoken for. but my other daughters sir are available! quite, quite available.

MR COLLINS: for you, sweet cousin

elizabeth

(SCENE 9) music; bingley's ball. mrs. bennet once again lines up the girls in the middle-school formation; charlotte rejoins.

balls, balls, balls! i cannot get enough of them!

LYDIA: mamma, look! it's colonel forester!

by all means, pursue him!

(BINGLEY'S BALL) LIZZY: mamma!

-take mary with you!

LIZZY: mamma, you must stop lydia from chasing after the soldiers.

why? it never hurts to get in a little target practice before you engage in more serious skirmishes. much as YOU did with mr wickham! YOOHOO, MRS LONG! HOW IS YOUR STY?

LIZZY: no, no-yes-let us-go, fine, go, go go!

(very bad french accent) ATTENTION MADAMES ET MONSIEURS! now you are all familiar with the charmes of most of my girls-(to bingley) especially you, sir-but ONE of my young ladies is more...diffident. OH! MARY!

MARY: full MANY a FLOWER is born to BLUSH UNSEEN-

not THAT dear! nobody likes an actress. miss mary bennet has graciously consented to share a most UNSPEAKABLE gift with us, far better than wit or style or charm or beauty or personality: the GIFT of MUSIC (she will be available to dance after.) miss bingley! caroline! we have so much to discuss!

DARCY: if i thought it laughable, i never should have asked you.

mary! a new song, please! nothing can be ARRANGED to such music!

MR BENNET: no-no mary-you have delighted us long enough.

she is now available to dance!! (hissing to mary) retreat.

DARCY: and yours is willfully to misunderstand them.

mr darcyyy! i am surprised to see you here! i thought you above country society. i would've slithered back to town by now. by all means-do not tarry.

LIZZY: mamma. (lydia who is now even drunker than at the last ball stumbles up.)

what? why should we wish to keep mr darcy from more sophisticated climes? i am sure that mr BINGLEY enjoys meryton! but then he always has something agreeable to say, as opposed to those who fancy themselves important!

(lydia applauds. mrs bennet is egged on) LIZZY: mamma, please

mr darcy may go where he is tolerated and mr bingley may stay where he is wanted! we are happy to rid ourselves of one, and keep the other FOREVER!

LYDIA: why are you here, sh'ir? for you know that nobody like'sh you.

bravo!

LYDIA: and why are you danshing with lizzy, for we know that you do not like her!

bravah!

LYDIA: yesh, of DERBYSHIRE

OH DERBYSHIRE! and a far more appropriate dance partner than some!

LIZZY: it is from netherfield, jane! is it from bingley?

GIRLS! he's here! the moment has arrived!!! jane, do come outside!

MR COLLINS: o, my fair cousin!

come! jane, come come come! (angrily) charlotte lucas!

MR COLLINS: mrs bennet! congratulate me upon the merger-unification-COUPLING of our households!

EEEEAAAAAAA-

LIZZY: MAMMA DO NOT CONGRAULATE HIM!

-aaaaa?

MR COLLINS: my cousin refuses me according to the usual practice of elegant females!

refuse?! lizzy! REFUSE?!

LIZZY: THE ANSWER IS NO!

no?

MR COLLINS: no?

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

MR BENNET: WHAT IS ALL THIS RACKET!

mr bennet! mr bennet! you must make lizzy marry mr collins!

LIZZY: I KNOW, but NO!

mr collins, if you could just step out for a moment? charlotte lucas, WHY ARE YOU EAVESDROPPING? do take mr collins for a stroll!

MR COLLINS: i came to select a wife!

elizabeth, you'll ruin us all! do think of my nerves! MR BENNET! DO THINK OF MY NERVES!

LIZZY: i have no interest in finding a husband generally, pappa

AWK-

LIZZY: and most particularly not that one!

KWA!