mindy day the internet died

(CARLA and MINDY meet each other for coffee. Find a table.)

CARLA: I have to say this whole internet shutting down thing has been kind of nice.     MINDY: I know! Hasn’t it.

CARLA: I mean this first day or so I thought I was going to lose my mind, but then after that it

was like...a relief. I never realized how much stress it caused me.

(Just then HERBERT and STAN pull up a table very close to theirs, takes out their laptops or

notepads and start taking notes. They are closely observing them, clearly writing down what

they say. STAN, in a suit, looks a little more menacing.)

MINDY: And it’s nice to actually see you face to face. And not just comment on your photos! I

feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.

CARLA: I know. I’ve been so busy. When was the last time we even saw each other? Christmas

at St. Barts?

(At the mention of Christmas at St. Barts, HERBERT ruffles through his bag and takes out two

pamphlets.)

MINDY: I think so! Gosh that’s embarrassing. That was six months ago. We have to do better

than that.

(HERBERT leans over.)

HERBERT: Enjoy these brochures for exclusive offers for St. Barts vacations courtesy of Expedia.

Also, never too soon to get a jump on Christmas shopping. Enjoy 20% off at Bed, Bath, and

Beyond.

(HERBERT goes back to his seat, intensely stairs at them, ready to type.)

MINDY: Uh... I’m sorry.

HERBERT: Hm?m

CARLA: What was that? Why did you just give us these?

HERBERT: Because I did! Now go back to talking.

(HERBERT continues to intensely stare at them.)

CARLA: Was he listening to our conversation?

MINDY: I don’t know. I...think so. And I think he’s writing everything down we say. This is so

HERBERT: Oooh. If you like spooky, check out Stephen King’s latest. $11.99 on Amazon Kindle.

(HERBERT hands them another coupon. Sits back down. Stares at them intensely.)

CARLA: I’m sorry, are you listening to our conversation?

HERBERT: Well yes, I am. But don’t let me disturb you. You just carry-on as if I wasn’t even here.

(He stares. They’re weirded out.)

MINDY: And are you...writing down what we say?

HERBERT: Yes. Yes I am.

MINDY: Why? Who are you.

HERBERT: Herbert Stenz. Since the internet is down, Google and Facebook and Amazon have

asked me to come down here and record everything you’re saying. Those companies make

a lot of money sharing your information to advertisers and they don’t want a dip in revenue

while your town’s internet is...not working.

CARLA: Well I’m not okay with this! You can’t just...impede on my civil liberties like this.

HERBERT: Well you were fine with it before. Here, I’ll drop off your mail for you and we’ll call

it a trade. Also, Civil Liberties by Lauri Friedman is available on Amazon. Free shipping with

Amazon Prime.

(HERBERT hands them a coupon.)

MINDY: Stop that! We don’t want coupons we just want our privacy.

CARLA: Well, actually I heard that book is supposed to be great, so I will take the one about civil

liberties, but otherwise...yeah. Stop!

MINDY: And who are you?!

STAN: (Deadpan, sinister:) Me? Don’t worry about me.

MINDY: Are you writing down everything we say, too?

STAN: Yes.

MINDY: Well that worries me! Why are you doing that?

MINDY: Are you writing down everything we say, too?

STAN: Yes.

MINDY: Well that worries me! Why are you doing that?

CARLA: I was not! I just...asked you not to write down our conversation.

STAN: Make that a very hostile attitude. Better call this one in. (Speaking into his cuff:) 10-5,

10-5, we’ve got a possible hostile who’s in need of further interrogation. 10-5.

CARLA: What? What did you just do?!

(Just then TWO AGENTS in dark suits and sunglasses come in and take CARLA away.)

CARLA: What! No, you can’t just...I didn’t do anything! I just wanted to talk about St. Barts. I

just wanted to talk about St. Barts!

(And CARLA is gone. MINDY looks at STAN and HERBERT, terrified.)