Mean Girls - Kevin G. / Martin J.

MS NORBURY: Ganatra, Karnapriya?

Word! Also, I’m going by Kevin this year.

CADY: “K” equals negative 3.

MS NORBURY: Yes!

Damn, girl!

REGINA: Whatever. I’m getting cheese fries.

Yo, Africa, those fractions were tight.

I’m Kevin G., captain of the North Shore Mathletes. We’re a very chill dope crew. Also, Ms. Norbury says we’d get twice as much funding if we had a girl. So think about joining. Because we’d like to get jackets.

REGINA: Mathletes? Ew, no. Why is he by our table?

I can hear you, by the way.

REGINA: Can you hear me now?

(to Cady) Take my card in case you change your mind. I also deejay and I designed that font. (re: card) That’s my landline, so my mom might answer in Tamil… peace!

MR DUVALL: …Our next act describes their music “Like a sine wave, we don’ stop.” Please welcome Kevin G. and the Power of Three.

🎶Awwwwwwwwww… Don’t bring me no little-ass white girl booty!🎶

MR DUVALL: Nope! Inappropriate, Kevin, we talked about this!

Happy holidays, everybody!

“Whose House is This?” opening section

Seriously: Whose house is this?

Hear about a party? / Here’s the procedure: text all your friends, / Tell ‘em where to meet ya. / So you know nobody that’s not what counts, / It’s somebody’s house and they got no bouncer! / Clouds of marijuana, and molly in the kahnnah, / And drink in’ from the neck of a bottle, what the heck! / We lit up like a torch smokin’ on your porch, / Tryna maintain / While the neighbors complain! / Whose house is this?

(Whose House) CADY: …And put down that’s not a bong!

Spinnin’ on the stere-o / Of somebody I barely know. / Hey, Cady Heron, / Music’s blarin’

(Whose House) CADY: You seen Aaron?

GRETCHEN: No.

Senior jocks and band freaks / Throwin’ all your antiques, / Drinkin’ til we slur, hence / Hope you got insurance!

MS NORBURY: Perfect. ‘Cause I just figured out a way for you to earn some extra credit.

Yo yo, Mathletes State Championship 2019, what. First female ever on the team, what. A box lunch will be provided, what. Let’s do this.

CADY: I haven’t thought about math in months.

Africa, “one-hundreds” don’t lie! Don’t fight it. You got mad schquillz.

CADY: Schquillz?

It’s a cool new way of saying “skills.”

MARTIN J: Kev, stop trying to make “schquillz” happen. It’s not gonna happen.

(to Cady) K.D. you tried the fast life, embrace the math life.

MARTIN J: That’s a forced rhyme.

Martin, get off my dick. (then, to Cady) Africa, we need you. Can you do it?

(Do This Thing) opening rap

You gonna roll up, stylin’, leather on ya sleeve / All state champion, better believe. / Maybe the haters gonna make fun of you / All you can solve’s the pro’lem in fronna you! / High school’s a four-year social curse / But math’s the foundation of the- / -UNIVERSE, / So, sick of plucking that second string? Then let’s / [BEEP] / DO THIS THING!

CADY: Why did you waste time insulting me? Why did I waste time judging your hair? This is not a competition!

(beat, then quietly) It kind of is, though.

MATHLETES MODERATOR: Our new state champion, the North Shore Mathletes!

(ripping of shirt) Aw, yeh! You like that, Marymount!

(end of Do This Thing) ALL: DO. YOUR. THING! DO YOUR THING!

Noice, Mathletes! We made it back in time to hit Spring Fling.