Beyond Therapy Act 2 Scene 3

Will there be anything else?

Just the check please.

Sounds like professional jealousy to me.

I would not bring up the subject of who's a terrible therapist, if I were you.

Oh, she's so direct, I just find her wonderful. Congratulations Bruce.

What are you congratulating him on?

Aren't you getting married?

No.

I think Prudence and I are a good match. I think we should get married as soon as possible.

I never want to get married, ever. I'm going to quit my job, and stay in my apartment until they evict me. Then I'm going to become a bag lady and live in the tunnels under Grand Central Station.

Bruce: And that's another thing. I want to have my own children. I want to reproduce. She can give me children.

Please stop talking about me that way. I don't want to have your children. I want to be left alone. I want to become a lesbian and move in with Kate Millet.

Stuart: She should marry me.

No. I don't want to marry either of you. You're both crazy. I'm going to marry someone sane.

There's just me left.

No. I'll marry the waiter. Waiter!

Oh dear, poor thing. Fear of intimacy leading to faulty reality testing. Prudence dear, you don't know the waiter.

That doesn't matter. Bruce said it's better to know nothing about people when you get married.

But I meant you should marry me.

But I know too much about you and I know nothing about the waiter. Waiter!

Is something the matter?

Yes. I want you to marry me.

Waiter: I don't understand.

Charlotte: It's alright, Andrew. She's in therapy with me now.

(Takes out the blank gun. Aims it at the waiter) Marry me! Marry me! (Starts to giggle) Marry me!

It's alright Prudence; you're my patient now. Everything's going to be alright.

I don't want any more therapy! I want tennis lessons!

I think you've already failed her. I think I shall have to take her on.

I don't want either of you! I've been to see several therapists and I'm sick of talking about myself!

(Charlotte throws glass of water at Prudence) Enough og this self-destructive behavior, young woman!

Furiously pick up another glass of water to throw at Charlotte, then hesitate momentarily, then throw in Stuarts face.

She's getting in touch with her instincts. Prudence, you're making progress in my care already.

I HATE THIS RESTAURANT!

We're all alone, everyone's crazy and you have no choice but to be alone or to be with someone in what will be a highly imperfect and probably eventually unsatisfactory relationship.

I don't believe that's true.

But you do. That's exactly why you act the way you do, because you believe that.

I believe there's more chance for happiness than that.

And then at the end of the play, Konstantin kills himself. Don't you see?

What's your point?

This is getting too complicated

My stomach feels queasy

Charlotte: Like when I threw the water!

Bruce: Right

Yes I remember

Okay. I want you to answer a quickly now, on instinct, don't think about it, alright?

Alright

Does your stomach feel queasy?

Yes.

Is your name Prudence?

Yes.

Is your dress wet?

Yes.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

You're not going to say yes like that. Are you?

I guess so. All the other answers were yes. I have to go to the ladies room to throw up. Excuse me. (exits)

Ovaltine. Orca, the killer whale. Abba dabba dabba...Oh now I've really lost it.

(enter Prudence with Bruce) Please, don't ever come into the ladies room after me again, alright? It's very disconcerting.

I was worried.

Where is everybody?

They went to a disco.

Why?

Something about the mousse Mrs. Wallace ate.

Never mind. I don't want to know.

Ok, now, answer on instinct again. Where in Connecticut do you want to live? Quick, instinct!

Bridgeport

Oh, God, have you been to Bridgeport?

No, I meant Westport.

No, you said Bridgeport. There may be some psychic reason it's right we live in Bridgeport.

No, please, we can't keep making decisions like this.

There are probably some lovely parts of Bridgeport.

Please, I don't want to live in Bridgeport. Bruce, why do you want to marry me. Answer on instinct.

I wrote it down earlier...... Do you understand what I'm saying?

I don't understand what happened at the dentist's office.

Well I needed a root canal...

And that wasn't on instinct. You'd written that down!

Well, I know. But it was an.instinct to read it.

How can I marry someone who takes his clothes off at the dentists office.

I don't take them off as a general rule. It just happened once.

I must be out of my mind.

Oh my God, you're changing your mind, aren't you?

Oh my God. Oh my God. (Sits down and weeps)

Prudence sits down, calmly at first, then she too starts to cry. Bruce stops crying and looks up.

Prudence you're cry. Don't cry. What's the matter?

I don't know. I'm upset you took your clothes off at the dentist's office because that means you must be insance, and I thought maybe you weren't insane but just sort of, lively. (Cries some more)

I'm lively.

No, you're too lively. I wouldn't be able to cope.

Mrs. Wallace could give me lithium, she could give you speed. We could meet in the middle.

I don't want speed. I want an Alka-Seltzer. Do you think the waiter could get me one?

The waiter went to the disco with Bob.

Well there must be abother waiter, don't you think?

Well it is a restaurant. Oh waiter! I don't see anybody.

I don't either. Waiter!

I'm really honored you cried in front of me.

You're welcome. Waiter!

I bed you don't cry very frequently.

No. Not in front of anyone at least.

I'm really honored.

I'll try to cry for you again sometime. Waiter!

Thank you. Waiter!

Waiter. Waiter.

Waiter. Waiter. This is a very existential restaurant.

Yes, that's why I like it here so much.

You like it here?

Yes. Sort of. It's comforting. They leave you alone here. It's conducive to conversation.

Yes, it's a great place to talk.

Waiter. Waiter.

There's a waiter that I'm longing to see duh duh duh duh

dum dum dum dum

Silly song.

Very silly.