CH 7 Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships Notes

Love

• Hard to define

• Over 30 questionnaires have been developed to attempt measuring what it is

Types of Love

• passionate love = intense, vibrant feelings that tend to be short lived

• companionate love = deep affection and attachment

• sternberg’s triangular theory = love has 3 components

  • 1. passion (motivational component)

  • 2. intimacy (emotional component)

  • 3. commitment (cognitive component)

  • combos of these 3 components yield 8 different kinds of love

• lee theory = 6 loving styles

  • 1. romantic

  • 2. game playing

  • 3. possessive

  • 4. companionate

  • 5. altruistic

  • 6. pragmatic

• chapman love languages:

  • receiving gifts

  • quality time

  • words of affirmation

  • acts of service

  • physical touch

Falling in Love: Why and With Whom

explained as resulting from need to overcome sense of aloneness, desire to justify sexual involvement, or sexual attraction

• intense feelings of being passionately in love might have a basis in surging levels of brain chemicals norepinephrine, dopamine, and phenylethylamine (PEA). progression from passion —> deep attraction may come from gradual increase in endorphins

• factors contributing to strong interpersonal attraction:

  • proximity

  • similarity

  • reciprocity

  • physical attractiveness

Love and Styles of Attachment

• Attachment formation, rooted in infancy, significantly impacts how we relate to loved ones.

• Securely attached children demonstrate greater social competence than anxious-ambivalent or avoidant children.

• Attachment styles develop throughout life, influencing a person's ability to form loving attachments and relationship dynamics.

• Securely attached adults are best equipped to establish stable relationships, feel secure, and fear abandonment.

• Anxious-ambivalent adults struggle with self-image, insecurity, and ambivalence in relationships.

• Avoidant adults are uncomfortable with closeness, trust issues, and negative views of others.

• Couples often share similar attachment styles, with secure attachments leading to high levels of relationship satisfaction.

Issues in Loving Relationships

• Ideal intimate relationships involve mutual love and sexual gratification.

• Women link love with sexual behavior more than men.

• Jealousy may be a sign of fear of losing control.

• Jealousy often leads to violence in marriages and dating relationships.

Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction

Love Relationship Ingredients:

• Self-acceptance, partner acceptance, mutual appreciation.

• Commitment, good communication.

• Realistic expectations.

• Shared interests.

• Equality in decision making.

• Effective conflict resolution.

• Variety for enjoyable sex long term

• Routine security for some couples.

Importance of Sexual Communication

Effective Sexual Communication

• Contributes to contentment and enjoyment of sexual relationships.

• Infrequent or ineffective communication can lead to dissatisfaction.

• Mutual empathy is crucial for effective communication.

• Both partners understand reciprocated care.

Talking: Getting Started

suggestions:

• talking about talking

• reading about sex and discussing material

• sharing sexual histories

Listening and Feedback

• communication is most successful between an active listener and an effective speaker

• listener can facilitate communication by:

  • maintaining eye contact with speaker providing feedback

  • expressing appreciation for efforts

  • maintaining attitude of unconditional positive regard

Discovering Partner’s Needs

Communication Strategies for Sexual Partners

• Avoid blaming or limited replies with open-ended and either/or questions.
• Encourage self-disclosure for better communication.
• Share fantasies, starting with mild desires.
• Discuss sexual preferences before or after a sexual encounter.
• Give permission for free sharing of feelings.

Learning to Make Requests

1. taking responsibility for one’s own pleasure

2. making sure requests are specific

3. using “I” language

Expressing and Receiving Complaints

Expressing Sexual Concerns Effectively

• Choose the right time and place for expressing sexual concerns.
• Avoid complaints when anger is peaking.
• Complaints are most effective when tempered with praise.
• Direct anger towards behavior rather than character.
• Use clear, honest "I" statements instead of accusatory "you" statements.
• Limit complaints to one per discussion.
• Acknowledge the basis of a partner's complaint for empathy.
• Ask clarifying questions when complaints are vague.
• Calmly verbalize feelings aroused to avoid nonproductive exchanges.

Saying No

3 step strat:

1. expressing appreciation for invitation

2. saying no clearly and unequivocally

3. offering an alternative if applicable

Nonverbal Sexual Communication

not confined to words alone. other communication includes:

• facial expressions

• interpersonal distance

• touching

• sounds

value of nonverbal communication lies in ability to supplement, not to replace verbal communication

Communication Patterns in Successful and Unsuccessful Relationships

tactics that contribute to relationship satisfactions and longevity:

• leveling and editing

• validating

• volatile dialogue

destructive communication tactics:

• criticism

• contempt

• defensiveness

• stonewalling

• belligerence

leads to:

• increased conflict and negativity

• escalation of hostility

• relationship failure

Things to keep in mind when trying to talk to a partner

• this stuff is really hard (never taught to communicate these things; lack tools)

• don’t start the convo when you’re tired, angry, be cognizant of the context

• it may take more than one convo

• be prepared for feedback/questions/thoughts

• using “I” language (about the person thinking)