fuckass willy Wonka speech

May it please the court—

Your honors,

It’s undeniable that Mr. Wonka is a candy genius. The man makes chocolate rivers, everlasting gobstoppers, and is a pioneer in the world of treats.

But today we cannot fall for Wonka’s façade of sweetness— instead, we must recognize he invited five children into his factory, and somehow, four of them almost died.

The defense’s argument is clear in claiming Mr. Wonka set safety boundaries that individuals chose to ignore. But we have proven today that while that may be partially true, it is not the whole story.

Yes, Augustus ate the chocolate. Violet chewed the gum. Veruca tried to take something that wasn’t hers, and Mike couldn’t stop playing with the technology.

But at the end of the day, your honors, this was a group of nine-year olds.

Wonka, on the other hand? Was 47 years old, a grown adult who chose to ignore safety-- instead defaulting to clear negligence.

 This man had a life-threatening chocolate river, experimental candy, dangerous machinery, and an entire room full of squirrels, yet decided the best way to supervise five children was to essentially let them roam free.

First, Agustus faced a severe threat of drowning. Violet was next—surviving, but permanently stained blue. Veruca was almost crushed in a trash compactor, and Mike suffered full body shrinking and expansion in a dangerously untested machine.

He held a clear obligation to conduct his tour with care, and he failed to meet that standard, causing significant harm to these children, and undeniable damages.

So yes, Mr. Wonka is creative. He’s brilliant!

But being a genius doesn’t make him  a responsible individual, and it cerrtaintly doesn’t make him above the law.

And when four out of five children leave your factory needing serious medical attention, the problem is not the kids—rather, it’s the man running the factorry

These children and their families have been through immense amounts of stress, terror, and struggle due to Wonka’s extreme lack of care and safety when conducting his “tour.”

So your honors- the prosecution is confident that today we have met our burden of proof of preponderance of the evidence, and respectfully ask that you find Mr. Wonka guilty— and in doing so, compel him to face the damages he cause these families.