How to Win Friends and Influence People Chapter 1 “IF YOU WANT TO GATHER HONEY, DON’T KICK OVER THE BEEHIVE.”

What is the primary reason Dale Carnegie advises against criticizing others?

It leads to defensiveness and resentment

“Two Gun” Crowley

He was manhunted in New york city. trapped in his sweetheart’s apartment on West End Avenue on May 7, 1931

• But how did “Two Gun” Crowley regard himself? We know, because while the police were firing into

  his apartment, he wrote a letter addressed “To whom it may concern, ” and, as he wrote, the blood flowing from

  his wounds left a crimson trail on the paper. In this letter Crowley said, “Under my coat is a weary heart, but a

  kind one—one that would do nobody any harm.”

• Killed a police officer in 1930s when he was stopped on the side of the road asking for his license. He was given the electric chair. During his execution he said, "this is what I get for defending myself."; Principle: people don't criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong they may be. “Two Gun” Crowley didn’t blame himself for anything

Al Capone

“I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man.”

That’s Al Capone speaking. Yes, America’s most notorious Public Enemy—the most sinister gang

leader who ever shot up Chicago. Capone didn’t condemn himself. He actually regarded himself as a public benefactor—an unappreciated and misunderstood public benefactor

“few of the criminals in Sing Sing regard themselves as bad men...

They are just as human as you and I. So they rationalize, they explain. Theycan tell you why they had to crack a safe or be quick on the trigger finger. Most of them attempt by a form of reasoning, fallacious or logical, to justify their anti-social acts even to themselves, consequently stoutly maintaining that they should never have been imprisoned at all.”

ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize

themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.

Understand the other side

Not only should you not critisize, you should understand the perception of the other side. If you can understand how the other side perceives themselves, you can better interact with that person

According to Carnegie, what do people crave most?

Appreciation and recognition

Hard hat example

Safety coordinator wanted workers to wear their hard hats. He would yell with authority at those who did not wear their hats, they often sullenly accepted and then didn't listen. Later, he decided to ask employees not wearing their hats if they were uncomfortable, and reminded them that the hats were for safety and protection from injury. This led to increased compliance.

 futility of criticism example Theodore roosevelt

 Take, for

example, the famous quarrel between Theodore Roosevelt and President Taft—a quarrel that split the Republican party, put Woodrow Wilson in the White House, and wrote bold, luminous lines across the First World War and altered the flow of history. Let’s review the facts quickly. When Theodore Roosevelt stepped out of the White House in 1908, he supported Taft, who was elected President. Then Theodore Roosevelt went off to Africa to shoot lions. When he returned, he exploded. He denounced Taft for his conservatism, tried to secure the nomination for a third term himself, formed the Bull Moose party, and all but demolished the G.O.P.

In the election that followed, William Howard Taft and the Republican party carried only two states—Vermont and Utah. The most disastrous defeat the party had ever known.

Theodore Roosevelt blamed Taft, but did President Taft blame himself? Of course not. With tears in his eyes, Taft said: “I don’t see how I could have done any differently from what I have.”

Who was to blame? Roosevelt or Taft? Frankly, I don’t know, and I don’t care. The point I am trying to make is that all of Theodore Roosevelt’s criticism didn’t persuade Taft that he was wrong. It merely made Taft strive to justify himself and to reiterate with tears in his eyes: “I don’t see how I could have done any differently from what I have.”

Teapot Dome oil scandal critism is furtile

It kept the newspapers ringing with indignation in the early 1920s. It rocked the nation! Within the memory of living men, nothing like it had ever happened before in American public life. Here are the bare facts of the scandal: Albert B. Fall, secretary of the interior in Harding’s cabinet, was entrusted with the leasing of government oil reserves at Elk Hill and Teapot Dome—oil reserves that had been set aside for the future use of the Navy. Did secretary Fall permit competitive bidding? No sir. He handed the fat, juicy contract outright to his friend Edward L. Doheny. And what did Doheny do? He gave Secretary Fall what he was pleased to call a “loan” of one hundred thousand dollars. Then, in a high-handed manner, Secretary Fall ordered United States Marines into the district to drive off competitors whose adjacent wells were sapping oil out of the Elk Hill reserves. These competitors, driven off their ground at the ends of guns and bayonets, rushed into court—and blew the lid off the Teapot Dome scandal. A stench arose so vile that it ruined the Harding Administration, nauseated an entire nation, threatened to wreck the Republican party, and put Albert B. Fall behind prison bars.Fall was condemned viciously—condemned as few men in public life have ever been. Did he repent?

Never! Years later Herbert Hoover intimated in a public speech that President Harding’s death had been due to mental anxiety and worry because a friend had betrayed him. When Mrs. Fall heard that, she sprang from her chair, she wept, she shook her fists at fate and screamed, “What! Harding betrayed by Fall? No! My husband never betrayed anyone. This whole house full of gold would not tempt my husband to do wrong. He is the one who has been betrayed and led to the slaughter and crucified

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on 

the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

B. F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.

Lincoln on cirtism story

In the autumn of 1842 he ridiculed a vain, pugnacious politician by the name of James Shields. Lincoln lambasted him through an anonymous letter published in Springfield Journal. The town roared with laughter. Shields, sensitive and proud, boiled with indignation. He found out who wrote the letter, leaped on his horse, started after Lincoln, and challenged him to fight a duel. Lincoln didn’t want to fight. He was opposed to dueling, but he couldn’t get out of it and save his honor. He was given the choice of weapons. Since he had very long arms, he chose cavalry broadswords and took lessons in sword fighting from a West Point graduate; and, on the appointed day, he and Shields met on a sandbar in the Mississippi River, prepared to fight to the death;but, at the last minute, their seconds interrupted and stopped the duel.

That was the most lurid personal incident in Lincoln’s life. It taught him an invaluable lesson in the art of dealing with people. Never again did he write an insulting letter. Never again did he ridicule anyone. And from that time on, he almost never criticized anybody for anything.

Lincoln on performance of Generals story

Time after time, during the Civil War, Lincoln put a new general at the head of the Army of the Potomac, and each one in turn—McClellan, Pope, Burnside, Hooker, Meade—blundered tragically and drove Lincoln to pacing the floor in despair. Half the nation savagely condemned these incompetent generals, butLincoln, “with malice toward none, with charity for all,” held his peace. One of his favorite quotations was “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” And when Mrs. Lincoln and others spoke harshly of the southern people, Lincoln replied, “Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.” Yet if any man ever had occasion to criticize, surely it was Lincoln. Let’s take just one illustration: The Battle of Gettysburg was fought during the first three days of July 1863. During the night of July 4, Lee began to retreat southward while storm clouds deluged the country with rain. When Lee reached the Potomac with his defeated army, he found a swollen, impassable river in front of him, and a victorious Union

Army behind him. Lee was in a trap. He couldn’t escape. Lincoln saw that. Here was a golden, heaven-sent opportunity—the opportunity to capture Lee’s army and end the war immediately. So, with a surge of high hope, Lincoln ordered Meade not to call a council of war but to attack Lee immediately. Lincoln telegraphed his orders and then sent a special messenger to Meade demanding immediate action. And what did General Meade do? He did the very opposite of what he was told to do. He called a council of war in direct violation of Lincoln’s orders. He hesitated. He procrastinated. He telegraphed all manner of excuses. He refused point-blank to attack Lee. Finally the waters receded and Lee escaped over the Potomac with his forces.

Lincoln was furious, “ What does this mean?” Lincoln cried to his son Robert. “Great God! What does this mean? We had them within our grasp, and had only to stretch forth our hands and they were ours; yet nothing that I could say or do could make the army move. Under the circumstances, almost any general could have defeated Lee. If I had gone up there, I could have whipped him myself.”

In bitter disappointment, Lincoln sat down and wrote Meade this letter. And remember, at this period of his life Lincoln was extremely conservative and restrained in his phraseology. So this letter coming from Lincoln in 1863 was tantamount to the severest rebuke.

lincoln letter to general

licoln never mailed letter. “Just a minute. Maybe I ought not to be so hasty. It is easy enough for me to sit here in the quiet of the White House and order Meade to attack; but if I had been up at Gettysburg, and if I had seen as much blood as Meade has seen during the last week, and if my ears had been pierced with the screams and shrieks of the wounded and dying, maybe I wouldn’t be so anxious to attack either. If I had Meade’s timid temperament, perhaps I would have done just what he had done. Anyhow, it is water under the bridge now. If I send this letter, it will relieve my feelings, but it will make Meade try to justify himself. It will make him condemn me. It will arouse hard feelings, impair all his further usefulness as a commander, and perhaps force him to resign from the army.

”

So, as I have already said, Lincoln put the letter aside, for he had learned by bitter experience that sharp criticisms and rebukes almost invariably end in futility.

lincoln big picture

Lincoln did not criticize generals the way the country did. Saying, "Don't criticize them, they are just what we would be under similar circumstances." Principles: 1) Have the humility and empathy to understand the condition of others who you want to criticize will make it easier to calm yourself and not to criticize

In the chapter, which historical figure is mentioned as an example of avoiding criticism?

Abraham Lincoln

letter mark twain

Mark Twain lost his temper occasionally and wrote letters that turned the Paper brown. For example, he once wrote to a man who had aroused his ire: “The thing for you is a burial permit. You have only to speak and I will see that you get it.” On another occasion he wrote to an editor about a proofreader’s attempts to “improve my spelling and punctuation.” He ordered, “Set the matter according to my copy hereafter and see that the proofreader retains his suggestions in the mush of his decayed brain.” The writing of these stinging letters made Mark Twain feel better. They allowed him to blow off steam, and the letters didn’t do any real harm, because Mark’s wife secretly lifted them out of the mail. They were never sent.

Confucious on not criticizing

"Don't complain about snow on your neighbors roof when your own doorstep is unclean" Principle: 1)You are really not in a position to judge because you often overshoot your own talents. 2) you are better at improving yourself than others

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic.

We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

Benjamin Franklin

 The secret of his success? “I will speak ill of no man,” he said, "and speak all the good I know of everybody.”

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain, and most fools do.

But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

“A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle, “by the way he treats little men.”

Bob Hoover,

• famous test pilot

• engine stopped, plane was landed and damaged. He saw mechanic and was very angry

• , but did not critise and instead said “To show you I’m sure that you’ll never do this again, I want you to service my F-51 tomorrow.”

father forgets

looks for bad in son, critises him for everythigns and visualied him as man. The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding. he grew guilty of how he treated his son.

 Dr. Johnson said,

“God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.”

Why should you and I?

Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them

Let’s try to figure out why they do what

they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism, and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and

kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.”

PRINCIPLE 1

Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

Which method does Carnegie suggest for addressing mistakes?

Approach them with encouragement

True or False: Carnegie believes that criticism is an effective way to motivate people.

False

True or False: People often respond positively to criticism and condemnation.

False

True or False: One of the key concepts in this chapter is to understand the desire for importance in human nature.

True

True or False: Carnegie suggests that any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain.

True

Define criticism according to Carnegie.

Criticism is disapproval expressed by pointing out faults or shortcomings, which often results in defensiveness and resentment.

Explain the concept of "condemnation" as used in this chapter.

Condemnation is the expression of very strong disapproval, which Carnegie advises against as it leads to negative reactions.

Briefly summarize the anecdote involving Abraham Lincoln mentioned in the chapter.

Abraham Lincoln wrote a letter to General Meade expressing his disappointment privately rather than publicly criticizing him, demonstrating the avoidance of criticism.

What is the primary takeaway from this chapter?

The primary takeaway is to avoid criticizing others as it leads to defensiveness and resentment, and instead focus on understanding and encouraging improvement.

What does Carnegie suggest is the most fundamental principle in human nature?

The most fundamental principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

How does Carnegie propose we handle mistakes made by others?

Carnegie proposes that we should handle mistakes with encouragement and focus on the positives before addressing the negatives.

What practical application can you derive from Carnegie's advice on avoiding criticism?

In a business setting, managers should refrain from criticizing employees and instead understand their perspective, offering encouragement to improve.

Provide an example of how you can implement Carnegie's approach in a workplace scenario.

If an employee misses a deadline, instead of criticizing them, a manager could acknowledge their effort and discuss ways to better manage time and resources for future projects.

Describe the method Carnegie suggests for addressing mistakes.

Carnegie suggests approaching mistakes with encouragement, highlighting positives before addressing negatives to foster a constructive environment.

What framework does Carnegie provide for handling faults and errors?

Carnegie's framework involves understanding the other person's perspective, offering sincere appreciation, and approaching faults with a focus on encouragement and improvement.

Why does Carnegie reference Abraham Lincoln's letter to General Meade?

Carnegie references Lincoln's letter to illustrate how avoiding public criticism and handling disappointment privately can maintain respect and foster improvement.

How did Charles Schwab motivate his employees according to Carnegie?

Charles Schwab motivated his employees through appreciation and recognition, showing genuine interest in their work and encouraging them positively.

Why does Carnegie stress the futility of criticism?

Carnegie stresses the futility of criticism because it often results in defensiveness and resentment, hindering improvement and cooperation.

Summarize the impact of condemnation according to Carnegie.

Condemnation leads to negative reactions, damages relationships, and is counterproductive to fostering a positive and cooperative environment.

What should you do when a son, friend, colleague repeatedly makes the same mistake despite being corrected multiple times in the past?

1. Start with Praise and Acknowledgment
2. Address the Mistake with Understanding
3. Encourage improvement
4. Offer Support and Solutions
5. Involve Them in the Solution
6. Express Confidence in His Abilities
7. Follow-Up and Positive Reinforcement