The Complete Works of William Shakespeare Abridged

Mckenna: Please join me in welcoming Catherine I

Thank you Mckenna, and good evening friends. William Shakespeare, poet, playwright, actor. Stratford’s proudest flower transplanted from the heart of the English Countryside to bask in the warmth of London’s literary greenhouse. A man who, despite the ravages of male pattern baldness, planted the potent seed of his poetical genius in the fertile womb of Elizabeth’s England. There it took root and spread through the lymphatic system of Western Civilization, until it became a giant caruncle of knowledge of understanding on the very organ of our consciousness.

Mckenna: Wow

And yet how much do we intellectually flaccid members of the Twenty-first Century appreciate the plump fruit of Shakespeare’s loins?

Yeah-how much?

Let’s find out, shall we? Bob, may I have the house lights, please?
Now, you are a theater-going crowd, obviously of above-average literary intelligence, and yet- if I may have just a brief show of hands, how many of you have ever seen or read any play by William Shakespeare? Any contact with the bard whatsoever, just raise your hands

(Audience raises hands)

We’re screwed!

Mckenna: Why?

I think they know more than we do

Mckenna: But you’re a preeminent Shakespeare scholar!

No, I’m pre-eminent

Mckenna: Then be preeminent

Right. Okay. How many of you have ever seen or read All’s Well That Ends Well?

(Turn to Mckenna, thumbs up)

Well. that seems to be separating the wheat from the chaff rather nicely. Let’s see if we have any super-eminent Shakespeare scholars in the house. Has anybody ever seen or read King John? King John, anyone?

(Orion raises hand)

You have, really? Have you seen it, or read it?

Orion: Well . . . I downloaded it

Would you mind telling us what it’s about?

Orion: It’s . . . about a hunchback?

Would you stand up, please? My friends, ecce homo

Orion: Whoa, not cool!

Judging by your obvious lack of fluency in Latin, may I presume that you have not yet matriculated?

Orion: Well, not today

My friends, look at this sad individual. Abandoned by our education system, hopped up on empty gigabytes of pirated text. And now look at the person sitting next to you. Go ahead! Look at them! Do you recognize the same vapid expression? The same pores, clogged with the acne of intellectual immaturity? Or do you perhaps see-keep looking!- do you see there a longing, a desperate plea for literary salvation?

Orion: Can I sit down now

No! You stand there before us as a living symbol of a society whose capacity to comprehend, much less attain, the genius of a William Shakespeare has been systematically stunted by Star Wars sequels, ravaged by Real Housewives, and bankrupted by the babbling blather of Big Brothers and Bachelorettes.

My people I say to you, toss out your tawdry televisions to savior the splendors of the sonnet! Exchange the isolation of the iPhone for the idylls of the iamb! Imagine a world where manly men wear pink tights with pride!

Mckenna: Hallelujah!

A brave new world, where this book is found in every hotel room in the world!

Amen!

This is my dream, friends, and it begins here, tonight. Join us in taking the first steps down the path to literary salvation by texting SHAKESPEARE IS GOD TO 37154. Standard rates apply. Now on with the show, and mat the Bard be with you!
(Exit)

Romeo and Juliet Section
Tyler: O Friar Laurence! Romeo is banished and Tybalt is slain and I could really use some pharmaceutical assistance if you know what I mean

Take thou this vial, and this distilled liquor drink thou off. And presently though thy veins shall run a cold and drowsy humor

Lavinia and Titus Section
Carter: First of all, we want to make a nice, clean incision from carotid artery to jugular vein, like so

Arggggh!

(Collapse after line “Which should be-”)

Macbeth and MacDuff Section
(Enter when Witch Exists)
Viktor: Och, that’s daid greeet. Then MacWhat Macneed MacI MacFearrr Macduff?

See you, ye brah-flocked, nanny-figish clunge-MacKinley! It’s days of Auld Lang Syne fer yew! “Know that Macduff was from his mother’s womb untimely ripped!” What d’ye think aboot that?

Viktor: Och! I do nae like it, but I support a woman’s right tae choose! Lay on, haggis-breath!

Ah, Macbeth! Ye killed me wife, ye murdered me wee bairns, and ye shat in me stew!

Och! I didnae!

Och, aye, ye did. I had tae throw half o’it away!

(Chase viktor off, come back with his head)

“Behold where lies the usurper’s cursed head.” Macbeth, yer arse is oot the windee.
And know that never was there a story of more blood and death
Than this, o’ Mister and Mrs. Macbeth. Thankee

(Finished up the football game)

Can I have some house lights please? Can I borrow your program for a sec? Thanks

What are you doing?

I just want to check the list of plays. I think we might have done ‘em all already

Really?

Yeah, see, we did all the histories just now-

Timmons of Athens and Coriolanus had cameos in the baking show

And that’s it right? That’s all of them! Comedies, histories, tragedies- Boom!

Hey, no, look . . .

Oh, no . . . Hamlet!

Hey where do you think you’re going?

Get back here!
(Grabs carter)

Carter: No, no NO! Okay, okay, OKAY! Just don’t touch me!

We’ve got a runner! Somebody stop her!

Hamlet Section
Tyler: Neither a borrower nor a lender be

(Knock Tyler down) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Tyler: How now, Ophelia. What’s the matter?

My lord, as I was sewing in my closet
Lord Hamlet with his doublet all unbraced,
No hat upon his head, pale as his shirt,
His knees knocking each other, and with a look So Piteous in purport as if he had been loosed Out of hell to speak of horrors, he comes before me

Mad for thy love?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I know not

Tyler: Look you where the poor wretch comes reading. Away I do beseech you.

(Exit)

Tyler: Though this be madness, yet there’s method in’t

Daddy, the Players are here and they say they want to do a play-within-a-play whatever that means. That’s all.

Carter, get a grip!

What happened to your speech?

Carter: Yap yap yap . . . And you don’t even care!

You watch Real Housewives?

Mckenna: She’s Toast. Sorry, folks, we’re gonna have to skip the whole monologue.

We can’t skip ‘To be or not to be,’ its the most famous soliloquy in all of Shakespeare

Jovi: Its overrated

Overrated!?

Jovi: Hamlet is supposed to be killing his uncle and suddenly he’s talking about killing himself. Where did that come from? It completely weakens his character

It makes it more complex. The layers give it meaning.

Like Teresa and Melissa?
Jovi: Um sure

So when I play Ophelia, I should add some layers?

That would be appreciated. She’s not all screams and vomit, you know. There’s something going on under that wig.

Oh, I get it. Ophelia’s complicated. I bet in the “Get thee to a nunnery” scene, she’s probably thinking stuff, and feeling stuff, like, at the same time!

Carter: Okay. “Get thee to a nunnery!”

What?

Carter: I’m Hamlet, right “Get thee to a nunnery!” . . . What does Ophelia reply?

Aaaaaaa!

No-with layers

Aaaaaaa!

No, no, no

Okay, tell me what I’m missing

A basic intellectual understanding of the interplay of Ophelia’s Id, Ego and Superego

Okay, anything else?

and an emotional understanding of Ophelia as an oppressed woman.

Okay, I need help with this. (To audience member) Excuse me . . . do you identify as female?

Catherine! Boundries!

Hey, I don’t make assumptions. What are your preferred pronouns? Thanks, this will only take a minute

Mckenna: I don’t think it’s a good idea to bring a total stranger onstage.

[She’s] not strange. [She’s] just . . . a ‘free spirit.’ Okay, what’s your name? Do you mind if we call you ‘Bob’ It’s a little easier to remember. Okay, Bob, we need you to help us go really deep into Ophelia’s brain and do a . . . um . . . what would you call it?

A Freudian analysis

Exactly! A Floridian analysis!

Jess: Hello, I just said that.

So Hamlet gets all worked up and tells Ophelia to get out of his life. He says, ”Get thee to a nunnery.” And in response, Ophelia screams

No, it kinda sucked. Look, we might as well be honest. There’s no point humoring her.

Come on, give [her] a break. I mean, okay, [she’s] not an actor- and frankly it shows. But I think you showed a lot of heart. A lot of courage. A lot of, as Shakespeare would say, chutzpah. And to get a better scream, I think we just need to get everybody involved in this. You know, create a supportive environment for Bob here

Okay, so we’ll symbolize this by actually having you run back and forth across the stage in front of Ophelia. Will you give that a try? Right now, just-

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Wow! An actual ego maniac!

Bob is not a maniac, Bob is a ‘free spirit.’ Now everyone in the front two rows, why don’t you be Ophelia’s Id. That’s like the watery depths of Ophelia’s soul, right Jovi?

Jovi: Sure, why not

And she’s tossed by the tides and the currents of her emotions. So everybody in the first two rows, hands in the air, wave them back and forth, kind of undulate, and say, ‘Maybe . . . maybe not . . . maybe . . . maybe not.’

Carter: Sorta like Catholicism
Jovi: Exactly

So let’s divide the Superego into three parts. Everybody from Jovi to my right will be from where (ask martin)


Yeah. Not too bloody difficult.

Jovi: Lets make section A that part of Phelias brain thats bought into the dominant paradigm and considers herself worthelss unles proven otherwise.

Right! So she’s telling herself, ‘Who are you kidding?! You’re just a complete waste of space!’ . . . No offense, Bob. We’ll use Hamlet’s line for this-you all say, ‘Get thee to a nunnery!’ Let’s try it. Section A?

Adam: Now I want section B to represent that part of Ophelia’s psyche that wants to go for it.

Go for it?

Section A, you could learn something from Section B

Now Section C, you’re the most important layer of them all. We’re going to use you to make Ohpehlia relevant to women of the twenty-first century.

Daniel: Right. She’s like the CEO of a floral delivery start-up. She doesn’t need Hamlet’s little dramas dragging her down.

Exactly! She’s a sister doing it to herself and she’s telling Hamlet,’ Screw you, screw Polonius, and screw the Danish patriarchy!’

Whoa. Catherine. That was beautifulI. Why don’t we just have them say those exact words?

Seriously?

Its perfect.

Okay, yeah. Section C, you’re gonna tell Hamlet

[All] Screw you, screw Polonius, and screw the Danish Patriarchy!’

Let’s give it a try, shall we? Section C?

I thought that was fantastic C-section

Totally. So now, Bob. We’re going to get all of this Floridian stuff going at once: The Ego, the Superego-

Your feminist rage is boiling over-

Now your job as an actress is to take all these voices and blend them deep within your soul. We’re going to whip everyone into a might frenzy, then stop everything, all attention goes to you, and you let out with that earth-shattering scream that epitomizes Ophelia. [Beat] Ah, she can’t wait

Okay everybody, let’s all take a deep breath. Let it out.

And remember, no matter what happens-

[All] Act natural

Okay, start with the Ego.

hey now, what noise is this?

[Offstage scream]

Dear maid, kind sister, sweet Ophelia!”

[Enter, screaming then singing]
“They bore him barefaced on the bier
With a hey-nonny-nonny, hey-nonny
And in his grave rained many a tear
With a hey-nonny-nonny ha-cha-cha
Fare you well my dove”

'I’m mad. I’m out of my tiny little mind. See, this is acting. Here’s ruse for you, and rosemary for remembrance. And I would have given you violets, but they withered all when my father died'“-you creep! I’m starting to feel a little nauseous . . .

“Hamlet come’s back-

Sophia, what’s the next scene with Ophelia?

What?

What’s the next scene with Ophelia?

There are no more scenes with Ophelia. “Hamlet comes back=

But I’ve got layers now, I’m up for it.

That’s all Shakespear wrote. “Hamlet comes back-”

Well, what happens to her?

She drowns.

Oh! [Exits]

What would I undertake To show myself my father’s son in deed More than in words? To-

[Enter] Here I go

No, offstage-!

Aaaaaaaaaaa!
{Die, exit]

My friends, you shall have-

[All] An encore!

To be or not to be, that is the-

Good my lord!

Get thee to a nunnery!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

Where?
Dead.

[Throw water] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh

Very well!@ My friends, we shall do it-

Faster!

To be or not to be!

[Simultaneously] Aaaaaaaaaaaagh

Yorick poor, alas!
ohpelia sweet!

[Spits mouthful of water] aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Tongue the on truppling speech the speak

aaaaaaaaaAAAAAA!

nunnery a to thee get!

Lord my good!

Melt would flesh solid too too this that-

O! You thank!!