Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication -- Exam 2

unrequited love

passionate love for another who does not want romantic involvement (unreciprocated)

Falling Upward

developing romantic feelings for someone who is more attractive or more desirable than you

platonic friendship

A relationship, often with a member of the opposite sex, in which there is no romantic involvement.

avoidance & silence

both rejectors and would-be lovers often employ this to deal with unrequited love; rejectors often hesitant to use direct communication; would-be lovers do not want to hear a rejection, even if rejector uses direct communication

Why do rejectors use indirect communication?

1. likely don't want to hurt feelings 2. likely trying to help person save face 3. communication script for rejectors is not clear 4. cultural idea that everyone wants love

How do would-be lovers repair self-esteem?

1. reaffirm self-esteem directly

2. derogate the rejector

3. derogate the rival

4. find a partner who returns love

irony of retrospect for would be lovers

when looking back on their experience with unrequited love, they have fond memories, bittersweet memories, warm memories

irony of retrospect for rejectors

when looking back on their experience with unrequited love, they have negative memories: frustration, annoyance, guilt

stalking vs. ORI

stalking can be a severe from of ORI but motive is important (ORI is always when pursuer wants a relationship with the victim)

components of ORI

1. lack of mutual agreement regarding the nature or even existence of a relationship

2. not associated with single event, but repeated events

3. intrusion can be symbolic and psychological, not just physical

Eromatic type (Delusional Disorder)

person have a type of delusional disorder in which one believes that another is in love with them usually of someone with higher status

Relational Goal Pursuit Theory

A theory built upon the idea that people expend energy to develop or re-initiate relationships to the extent that they perceive a relationship is desirable and attainable.

How does relational pursuit become excessive and obsessive?

relational goals

an individual wants to acquire, sustain, or change a personal relationship with another person

relational pursuit

behaviors employed to achieve relational goal

rebuff phenomenon

rejection prompts individuals to pursue goals more aggressively

Linking

an individual perceives that achieving a particular lower-level goal is absolutely necessary in achieving a higher level goal

Rumination

repeated, intrusive, aversive thoughts associated with the inability to achieve a goal

emotional flooding

feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions including anger, frustration, jealousy, and depression

self efficacy

perceptions of whether an individual is able to achieve a goal

Rationalization

justifying the unwanted pursuit of another by distorting the events surrounding it

cultural scripts

patterns of interaction that are emphasized in a particular culture (tv shows, media, music)

turning points

are specific transformative events that change the level of intimacy & commitment

Obsessive Relational Intrusion (ORI)

repeated invasion of a person's privacy by a stranger or acquaintance who desires or assumes a close relationship

Borderline Erotomania

Similar to erotomanics but they do not believe that their victims are in love with them.

ORI behaviors

A) ORI behaviors exist along a continuum from mildly intrusive to severely invasive

B)the line between reasonable pursuit and mild ORI behavior can be unclear

Obsessional Acquaintances

pursuer directs ORI behavior toward people with whom the pursuer has a social or professional relationship

obsessional estranged lovers

The most common type of pursuer. These pursuers are often psychotic and can't accept relationships end. They're the most likely to be violent.

Overall characteristics of pursuers

Pursuers often don't comprehend the terror they are afflicting on others:

1. Ego-centrism

2. Rationalization

3. Cultural scripts that promote persistence

Effects of ORI behaviors on victims (not necessary to review but good to know)

46% of stalking victims fear not knowing what will happen next

29% of stalking victims fear the stalking will never stop

1 in 8 employed stalking victims lose time from work. More than half lose 5 days of work or more. 1 in 7 stalking victims move as a result of their victimization.

common victim responses to ORI behaviors

avoidance and indirect communication

Legal Intervention

1) anti-stalking laws -- not many states classify stalking in gaining protection from violence

2) restraining orders --- may escalate future violence and are frequently ignored

Why are restraining orders often ineffective

-people who engage in ORI behaviors are likely not rule followers

-victims are sometimes inconsistent in reporting violations

-law enforcement officers are sometimes inconsistent in enforcing restraining orders

Anxiety Orientation

obsessive worry about abandonment; need extreme closeness (associated with preoccupied attachment)

Other variables contributing to ORI behaviors (from relational goal pursuit theory)

1. rumination

2. emotional flooding

3. self-efficacy

4. rationalization

5.cultural scripts

cultural scripts that may play a role in encouraging ORI behaviors

1. persistence as a virtue in romantic pursuit

2. the idea of "playing hard to get."

3. the idea that everyone wants (or should want) love and a relationship

Why is unrequited love on the "dark side"

1. it is often poorly understood and understudied

2. it involves a relational dysfunction

3. it involves a negative emotion

Why can rejectors' use of indirect communication be problematic?

it is easily misinterpreted. (eventually, rejectors are often forced to use harsher, more direct communication)

Why do would-be lovers not want to hear a rejection, even if rejector uses direct communication?

Accepting a rejecting involves admitting defeat and accepting one's inferiority. (People don't like either of those things)

Emotional outcomes: would-be lovers

1) decrease in self esteem

2) no guilt because they focus on their own feelings and feel culturally justified

Emotional outcomes: rejectors

1) initial self-esteem boost, then drops

2)guilt is central emotion because empathy guilt and pressure for belongingness

6 ways to cope with unrequited love

1. say goodbye to all illusions

2.try to know them better

3. isolate from them

4. distract yourself

5. go on a date

6. love yourself