COMM 1031 Chapters 9-12

avoiding

a relational stage immediately prior to terminating in which the partners minimize contact with each other

- occurs when stagnation becomes too unpleasant

- sometimes done under the guise of excuses ("I've been sick lately and can't see you")

- and sometimes directly ("Please don't call me; I don't want to see you now")

bonding

a stage of relational development in which the partners make symbolic public gestures to show that their relationship exists

- ex: engagement, marriage, sharing a residence, etc.

circumscribing

a relational stage in which partners begin to reduce the scope of their contact and commitment to each other

- distinctions that emerged from the differentiating stage become more clearly marked and labeled

- ex: "my friends" and "your friends," or "my bank account" and "your bank account"

comparison level

the minimum standard of what behavior is acceptable from a relationship partner

- ex: Relational partners have an obligation to be faithful and treat one another respectfully at all times.

comparison level of alternatives

a comparison between the rewards one is receiving in a present situation and those one could expect to receive in others

- ex: If Gloria doesn't want to be alone and thinks to herself, "If I don't have Raymond, I won't have anyone," then her _____ _____ _____ _____ would be lower than her present situation. If she is confident she can find a kinder partner, then her _____ _____ _____ _____ would be higher than the status quo.

connection-autonomy dialectic

the tension between the need for integration and the need for independence in a relationship

- an internal dialectic (between two people in a couple)

- ex: Some people might make complaints about their relationships: "We barely spent time together" or "My partner wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship," while others might complain that they were "feeling trapped" or "needed more freedom"

conventionality-uniqueness dialectic

the tension between the need to behave in ways that conform to others' expectations and the need to assert one's individuality by behaving in ways that violate others' expectations

- an external dialectic (between a couple and the rest of the world)

- ex: playing the conventional role of "perfect couple" during a time of conflict can be a burden when the couple feels the need to behave in less stereotypical ways

dialectical tensions

relational tensions that arise when two opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously

differentiating

a relational stage in which the partners reestablish their individual identities after having bonded

- ex: Instead of talking about "our" weekend plans, _____ conversations focus on what "I" want to do

experimenting

an early stage in relational development, consisting of a search for common ground

- If the experimentation is successful, the relationship progress is intensifying. If not, it may go no further.

- the hallmark of this stage is small talk

- we usually start with the basics: "Where are you from? What's your major?" and then look for other similarities: "You're a runner, too? How many miles do you run a week?"

expression-privacy dialectic

the tension between the desire to be open and disclosing and the desire to be closed and private

- subcategories of this dialectic include openness-closedness and revelation-concealment

inclusion-seclusion dialectic

the tension between a couple's desire for involvement with the "outside world" and their desire to live their own lives, free of what can feel like interference from others

- an external dialectic (between a couple and the rest of the world)

- ex: At the end of a busy week, does a couple accept the invitation to a party (and sacrifice the chance to spend quality time with each other) or do they decline the invitation (and risk losing contact with valued friends)?

initiating

the first stage in relational development in which the interactants express interest in one another

- the opening stage of all relationships

- communication during this stage is usually brief, involving handshakes, remarks about innocuous subjects (such as the weather), and friendly expressions

integrating

a relational stage in which the interactants begin to take on a single identity

- ex: invitations begin to come addressed to a couple, social circles merge, partners share each other's commitments (like going to one's family for a holiday), etc.

integration-separation dialectic

the tension between the desire for connection with others and the desire for independence

- subcategories of this dialectic include connection-autonomy and inclusion-seclusion

intensifying

a relational stage following experimenting in which the interactants move toward integration by increasing their amount of contact and the breadth and depth of their self-disclosure

- usually a time of relational excitement and even euphoria

- does not last forever

- for friendships: spending more time together or participating in shared activities

- for romantic relationships: saying "I love you" or using indirect methods of communication to protect their face (doing favors, hinting and flirting, trying to look more attractive)

metacommunication

messages (usually relational) that refer to other messages; communication about communication

- ex: "When you cut me off, it seemed like you were angry with me. Were you?", "I wish we could stop arguing so much," or "I appreciate how honest you've been with me"

openness-closedness dialectic

the tension between the desire to be honest and open and the desire for privacy within a relationship

- an internal dialectic (between two people in a couple)

- ex: A person you care about asks an important question that you don't want to answer, such as "Do you think I'm attractive?" or "Are you having a good time?"

- your commitment to the relationship might compel you towards honesty, but your concern for the other person's feelings and the desire for privacy might lead you to be less than completely honest

predictability-novelty dialectic

within a relationship, the tension between the need for a predictable relational partner and one who is more spontaneous and less predictable

- an internal dialectic (between two people in a couple)

relational maintenance

communication aimed at keeping relationships operating smoothly and satisfactorily

relational transgressions

a violation of the explicit or implicit terms of a relationship, letting the partner down in some important way

- ex: lack of commitment, distance, disrespect, problematic emotions, aggression

revelation-concealment dialectic

the tension between a couple's desire to be open and honest with the "outside world" and their desire to keep things to themselves

- an external dialectic (between a couple and the rest of the world)

- ex: If you're a part of a same-sex couple, but you're not sure your relationship will be endorsed by others, when and how do you go "public" with that information?

social exchange theory

an economic model of relational attraction that suggests we seek out people who can give us rewards that are greater than or equal to the costs we encounter in dealing with them

social support

helping others during challenging times by providing emotional, informational, or instrumental resources

stability-change dialectic

the tension between the desire to keep a relationship predictable and stable and the desire for novelty and change

- stability is an important need in relationships, but too much of it can lead to feelings of staleness

- subcategories of this dialectic include predictability-novelty and conventionality-uniqueness

stagnating

a relational stage characterized by declining enthusiasm and standardized forms of behavior

- members behave towards each other in old, familiar ways without much feeling

- no growth occurs and relational boredom sets in

- ex: losing enthusiasm for a job yet keeping it, unenthusiastically having the same conversations, etc.

terminating

the concluding state of a relationship, characterized by the acknowledgment of one or both partners that the relationship is over

- include summary dialogues of where the relationship has gone and the desire to dissociate

- ex: A relationship may end with a cordial dinner, a note left on the kitchen table, a phone call, a text, or a legal document stating the dissolution.

boundaries

limits that a family sets on its members' actions, such as what topics are permissible to discuss, how to discuss certain topics, and with whom family members may interact outside the family

- most are physical, such as knocking on a bedroom door before entering or staying out of the garage when Dad is tinkering with the car

- others involve conversational topics (politics, religion, health issues, sex, money)

conformity orientation

the degree to which family communication stresses uniformity of attitudes, values, and beliefs

- high conformity families are often hierarchical and seek harmony, interdependence, and obedience

- low conformity families are characterized by individuality, independence, and equality

conversation orientation

the degree to which families favor an open climate of discussion on a wide array of topics

- families with a high _____ _____ interact freely, frequently, and spontaneously without many limits regarding topic or time spent interacting

- families with a low _____ _____ do not often interact or discuss their thoughts and feelings with one another

expectancy violation

an instance when others don't behave as we assume they should

- are the source of many relational problems

family

a system with two or more interdependent people who have a common past history and a present reality and who expect to influence each other in the future

- defined primarily through interaction rather than through biological relationship or kinship systems

family communication patterns

typical interaction processes in a family, identified by these categories: consensual, pluralistic, protective, or laissez-faire

friendship

a voluntary interpersonal relationship that provides social support

- created, managed, and maintained through communication

love languages

methods of expressing affection to a romantic partner

- ex: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch

- most people learn these in their family of origin

relational commitment

a promise, explicit or implied, to remain in a relationship and to make that relationship successful

system

a group, such as a family, whose members interact with one another to form a whole

triangular theory of love

the notion that love compromises three interacting components: intimacy, passion, and commitment

accommodation

a lose-win conflict style in which one person defers to the other

- low concern for themselves and high concern for others

- people from high-context collectivistic backgrounds (like Asian cultures) are likely to regard this style as a face-saving and noble way to handle conflict

- viewed less positively in America

avoidance

a lose-lose conflict style in which people nonassertively ignore or stay away from conflict

- generally reflects a pessimistic attitude about conflict

- people from high-context collectivistic backgrounds (like Asian cultures) are likely to regard this style as noble, while America views it less positively

- ex: steering clear of a friend after having an argument, changing the topic, denying that the problem exists

collaboration

a win-win conflict style in which both people get what they want

- involves a high degree of concern for both self and others, with the goal of solving problems not "my way" or "your way," but "our way"

competition

a win-lose conflict style in which one person wins at the other person's expense

- involves high concern for self and low concern for others

- many Americans default to this approach because it's ingrained in their culture

- seeks to revolve conflicts "my way"

complementary conflict

when partners in a conflict use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors

- ex: "fight-flight" approach in which one partner addresses the conflict directly, whereas the other withdraws

compromise

a conflict style in which both people get only part of what they want because they sacrifice some of their goals

- may be better than losing everything, but this approach hardly seems to deserve the positive image it often has because neither option is very satisfying

conflict

an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent people who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other person in achieving their goals

- does not exist unless all people involved know that some disagreement or problem exists

conflict rituals

repeating pattern of interlocking conflict behaviors

- can cause problems when they become the only way relational partners handle their conflicts

- ex: A couple fights. One partner leaves. The other accepts blame for the problem and begs forgiveness. The first partner returns, and a happy reunion takes place. Soon, they fight again, and the pattern repeats.

contempt

communication that demeans and belittles another person

- one of Gottman's "Four Horsemen"

- can be communicated nonverbally through dramatic eye rolls or disgusted sighs

- ex: name-calling putdowns like "You're a real jerk" or sarcastic barbs like "Oh, that was brilliant"

criticism

attacks on another person's character

- one of Gottman's "Four Horsemen"

- includes evaluative "you" messages

- ex: "You're so thoughtless—you never think of anyone but yourself"

de-escalatory spiral

a reciprocal communication system in which one person's nonthreatening behavior leads to reduced hostility by the other, with the level of hostility steadily decreasing

- opposite of escalatory spiral

- ex: Partners both withdraw from each other instead of facing their problems. The hostility decreases, but the satisfaction and vitality ebb from the relationship.

defensiveness

the attempt to protect a presenting image a person believes is being attacked

- one of Gottman's "Four Horsemen"

- ex: involves denying responsibility ("You're crazy—I never do that”) and counterattacking ("You're worse about that than I am")

direct aggression

an expression of the sender's thoughts and/or feelings that attacks the position and dignity of the receiver

- can include attacks on competence or character, swearing, teasing, ridicule nonverbal emblems (the finger), and threats

escalatory spiral

a reciprocal communication pattern in which one person's attack leads to a counterattack by the other, with the level of hostility steadily increasing

- opposite of de-escalatory spiral

- ex: partners treat each other with matching hostility (threats, insults, etc.)

Four Horsemen

destructive conflict approaches and toxic forms of communication that are almost guaranteed to wreak havoc on relationships

- John Gottman calls these toxic forms of communication the _____ _____

passive aggression

an indirect expression of aggression, delivered in a way that allows the sender to maintain a facade of kindness

- ex: Lee and Cam have a conflict. Lee runs the vacuum cleaner loudly during the soccer matches and Cam makes sarcastic jokes about Lee not liking sports.

serial argument

repetitive conflicts about the same issue

- causes usually have something to do with problematic behaviors, personality characteristics, or communication styles and practices

stonewalling

withdrawing from and shutting down interaction with another person

- one of Gottman's "Four Horsemen"

- also shuts down any chance of resolving the problem in a mutually satisfactory way

- sends a disconfirming "you don't matter" message to the other person

symmetrical conflict

partners in a conflict use the same tactics

- ex: One partner raises concern clearly and assertively, without aggression. The other responds by explaining concerns in the same manner.

win-win problem solving

an approach to conflict resolution in which people work together to satisfy all their goals

- when people use this form of problem solving, they're more likely to actively listen to their partners

- this approach leads to less aggressive communication and ultimately less stress for everyone

acknowledgement

a type of confirming message that communicates paying close attention to the ideas and feelings of others

- stronger form of confirmation than simple recognition

- phrases like "I see your point" or "I understand how you feel that way" show this type of message, regardless of whether you agree with what's being said

aggressiveness

verbal attacks that demean others' self-concept and inflict psychological pain

- can involve name calling, put-downs, sarcasm, taunting, yelling, badgering, bullying, and even some types of humor

- can cause lowered self-esteem, occupational burnout, juvenile delinquency, depression, violence, and even mortality

argumentativeness

presenting and defending positions on issues while attacking positions taken by others

- In the U.S., this trait can coincide with a number of positive attributes such as leadership emergence, communicative competence, and willingness to confront others when wronged.

certainty

dogmatically stating or implying that one's position is correct and others' ideas are not worth considering; likely to arouse defensiveness, according to Gibb

- use of terms like "can't," "never," "always," "must," and "have to"

communication climate

the emotional tone of a relationship between two or more individuals

- these are shared by everyone within them

complaining

a disagreeing message that directly or indirectly communicates dissatisfaction with another person

- used when communicators don't want to argue (which requires interaction), but they still want to register dissatisfaction

confirming communication

a message that expresses caring or respect for another person; the person is valued by the speaker

- essentially say "you exist," "you matter," and "you're important"

controlling communication

according to Gibb, messages that attempt to impose some sort of outcome on another person, resulting in a defensive response

- done with little regard for the other person's needs or interests

- can use words, gestures, or tone of voice to try to control another person

- control can be accomplished through status, insistence on obscure or irrelevant rules, or physical power

description

messages that describe a speaker's position without evaluating others

- make documented observations that are specific and concrete

- often use "I" language, which tends to provoke less defensiveness than "you" language

disagreeing message

a message that essentially communicates to another person, "You are wrong," and includes argumentativeness and complaining

disconfirming communication

a message that expresses a lack of caring or respect for another person; the person is not valued by the speaker

- signals a lack of regard and essentially say "you don't matter," "you're not important," or "you don't exist"

empathy

the ability to project oneself into another person's point of view in an attempt to experience the other's thoughts and feelings

- a type of supportive communication described by Gibb

- minimizes potential threats to self-concept

endorsement

a type of confirming message that communicates agreement with and support for another person

- the strongest type of confirming message because it communicates the highest form of valuing

- ex: agreeing with others, offering compliments, giving praise, maintaining eye contact, or nodding

equality

a type of supportive communication described by Gibb, which suggests that the sender regards the receiver with respect

- ex: Although a person may have greater talent in certain areas, they see other human beings as having just as much worth.

evaluation

a message in which a sender judges a receiver in some way, usually resulting in a defensive response

- speakers judge what the other person is feeling rather than describing their own thoughts, feelings, and wants

- don't explain how the speaker arrived at their conclusion and lack specifics

- ex: "You don't care about me!"

face-threatening acts

behavior by another that is perceived as attacking an individual's presenting image, or face

- defensiveness is sometimes used as a response to this type of behavior

invitational communication

an approach that welcomes others to see your point of view and to freely share their own

- involves offering ideas without coercion, listening to ideas with an open mind, and exchanging ideas without pressure

neutrality

a defense-arousing behavior described by Gibb in which the sender expresses indifference toward a receiver

- is disconfirming because it communicates a lack of concern for the welfare of the others and implies that the other person isn't very important

ostracism

intentionally excluding others from social interaction

- has been called "the social death penalty"

- usually happens in groups, but can also take place in one-on-one interaction

problem orientation

a supportive style of communication described by Gibb in which the communicators focus on working together to solve their problems instead of trying to impose their own solutions on one another

- goal is to work out an arrangement in which everybody feels like a winner

- often typified by "we" language, which suggests the speaker is making decisions with rather than for other people

provisionalism

a supportive style of communication described by Gibb in which a sender expresses open-mindedness to others' ideas and opinions

- use of words like "perhaps," "maybe," "possibly," "might," and "could"

recognition

a type of confirming message that communicates awareness of another person

- most fundamental act of confirmation

- can be done nonverbally (eye contact, offering a smile) or verbally ("Glad to see you," "I'll be right with you")

spontaneity

a supportive communication behavior described by Gibb in which the sender expresses a message without any attempt to manipulate the receiver

- ex: saying "I have a piano I need to move Friday after work. Can you give me a hand?" rather than strategically asking "What are you doing Friday after work?"

strategy

a defense-arousing style of communication described by Gibb in which a sender tries to manipulate or deceive a receiver

- counterfeit questions are a form of this type of communication because they try to trap others into desired responses

- ex: telling someone "Ali and Kasey go out to dinner each week" instead of directly saying "I'd like to go out to dinner more often"

superiority

a defense-arousing style of communication described by Gibb in which the sender states or implies that the receiver is inferior

- can be done explicitly or implicitly

- suggests "I'm better than you"