Love Actually Final

Letters to a young poet

Letters to a young poet

Letters were published after his death from leukemia by Kappus; The letters are full of succinct, powerful advice on being honest with oneself and garnering the courage to follow a creative career

The seventh Letter by Rilke (Letters to a young Poet)

-tells us we must be willing to be open to love to truly receive it

-we need to learn love and be willing to go through the pain of love to understand it

- not much has changed in the way that our world treats love; as an “entertainment”

-defines love as “the ultimate test”

Humans are social species which means that ____________ and __________is a core need.

intimate relationships; connections with others

intimacy differs from casual friendships in what 7 ways?

Knowledge – shared confidential information about histories, preferences, feelings, and desires

Interdependence – need & influence one another (in strong, frequent, diverse, and enduring ways)

Caring – feel more affection towards each other compared to others

Trust – expect to be treated fairly & honorably and that no harm will come from relationship

Responsiveness – recognize, understand, and support wishes

Mutuality – “us” and “we” instead of “me” and “him/her/them”

Commitment – want and expect relationship to continue & invest effort into maintaining relationships

According to theorists Baumeister & Leary, humans have a ____________ in close relationships, and negative outcomes result when this need is not met

need to belong

In the United States, over the last 50 years trends show:

Fewer people marrying

Those who marry wait longer to do so

People routinely cohabit without being married

People routinely have children when unmarried

Divorce is accepted

Most mothers also work

Reasons for changes in cultural norms across the world

Economic changes- Industrialization and affluence

Increasing individualism-Perhaps focus on own happiness leads us to expect more in relationships

New technology

Influence of experience on love

attachment styles, personality style, self-esteem differences, and sexual orientation

Individual gender differences

Traditionally feminine = expressive

Traditionally masculine = instrumental

people who adhere to different gender roles (traditional vs nontraditional) may face incompatibility in their relationships

LGBT couples report to______________________________________compared to heterosexual couples

Divide household tasks more fairly, experience less conflict, feel more compatible and intimate, more satisfied

People routinely cohabit without being married makes future marriage _____ likely and future divorce _____ likely if cohabiting individuals do marry!

less; more

Types of love in ancient Greece

eros, philia, storge, ludus, agape, pragma, philautia

eros

• sexual passion and desire; named after the Greek god of fertility

Philia

• friendship; valued far more than the base sexuality of eros • concerned the deep comradely friendship that developed between brothers in arms who had fought side by side on the battlefield • showing loyalty to your friends, sacrificing for them, and sharing your emotions with them

Storge

A type of philia love, but a kind of natural/instinctual affection

Familial love- Love between parent and child, pets and owners

Often unilateral or asymmetrical

Borne out of fondness and dependency

Ludus

playful love

referred to the affection between children or young lovers

We live out our ludus when we sit around in a bar bantering and laughing with friends, or when we go out dancing

agape

universal and selfless love

a love that you extend to all people, whether family members or distant strangers

pragma

mature love

deep understanding that developed between long -married couples; about making compromises to help the relationship work over time, and showing patience and tolerance

Plato’s “Speech of Aristophanes” in Symposium

Symposium was speeches that were to be given in praise of the god of Love (Eros), competing to see who could give the best speech in praise of Love ; Aristophanes was a famous comic playwright in ancient Greece

Story talks about how the God’s separated humans in half as a punishment, forcing them to be in constant search for their other half

philautia

self-love

Two types: • an unhealthy variety associated with narcissism, where you became selfobsessed and focused on personal fame and fortune; a healthier version enhanced your wider capacity to love / self-esteem

Erich Fromm’s views on Love (The Art of Loving)

love is a verb; it is not a permanent state of enthusiasm but an actual practice

love is an art and there are requirements to practice love: discipline, concentration, patience, and supreme concern for the master of the art

Believe that all people are “narcissists” by nature and that gets transformed into object love. We have to learn to be not self-centered, which is hard since we overvalue ourselves as “good” and others as “bad”

In order to overcome narcissism, you must develop courage, reason, objectivity, humility, and rational faith

Stephen Mitchell’s views on love (Can Love Last?)

Believes that there is a fundamental tension between love and desire and safety/security/familiarity and adventure/excitement/novelty

We want romance to include both love and desire, but struggle to balance it

Believes that i safety and stability (rather than desire and passion) is the real illusion. We pretend that our long-term relationships are safe and stable in order to defend ourselves against risk. Sexual arousal is unpredictable, makes us vulnerable – so we only allow ourselves to feel it outside our actual relationship

Suggests 3 states of mind: the fantasy world of the neurotic, delusional world of the psychotic, and a singular reality; states that we start relationships by idealizing our partners and then growing to know their faults (fantasy to reality), but believe that reality and fantasy should co-exist in love

Mary Oliver – “Wild Geese”

“You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”

-Love comes naturally in nature, we need to stop overthinking it

Congratulations, by the way

Commencement address given by George Saunders in 2013 at Syracuse University; kindness is the purest beginnings of love that we learn over time and with age once we learn to focus less on our own needs and wants and realize that we are not permanent and that others have significant value in our lives.

Evolutionary Psychology

Study of behaviors (and thoughts & feelings) through the lens of evolutionary biology. Assumes that human behavior is a result of evolutionary pressure and processes over time – these behaviors were adaptive in some way.

Sexual selection

natural selection acting on mate-finding and reproductive behavior

Kin selection

natural selection in favor of behavior by individuals that may decrease their chance of survival but increases that of their kin

red queen hypothesis

because environments are always changing, we never stop evolving (is a hypothesis as to why we prefer sexual selection over asexual reproduction in evolutionary psychology)

“standard narrative” (evolution of love)

men compete over women; women are more picky

Does the brain’s evolved capacity to fall in love exist because our ancestors valued it when they were making sexual choices?

Researchers in evolutionary psychology believe that perhaps artistic expression, including music, art, the poetic and story-telling uses of language, and sense of humor stem from our desire to impress the opposite sex

Lemiller’s Sociocultural theories on love

biology may play some role in different mating strategies between sexes, but social structure plays a larger role • As the social structure changes, behavior should change

Sex at Dawn theories on the evolution of love

posit that "we don’t see [current mating behaviors] as elements of human nature so much as adaptations to social conditions—many of which were introduced with the advent of agriculture no more than ten thousand years ago."

monogamy

the condition, rule, or custom of being married to only one person at a time; does not imply fidelity

Polygamy in culture

A minority (16%) of 853 cultures recorded prescribe monogyny

Most (84%) of these cultures permit polygyny

However: Only 5-10% of men in these societies actually have several wives simultaneously

Polyandry is rare (permitted in 0.5% of societies)

Oneida Community

John Humphrey Noyes started a colony in the 1830s; wanted to create a Christian, communist utopia

Everyone lived in one mansion on communal lands and shared everything – including sexual partners (“free love” and “complex marriage”), but were permitted from falling in love and having children

colony disbanded after people began falling in love and having children

Helen Fisher’s views on monogamy

Monogamy is natural in humans, even if there are exceptions • Exceptions appear to be “optional and opportunistic,” whereas monogamy is the rule

“Pair-bonding is a trademark of the human animal”

Dan Savage’s views on monogamy

believes that nonmonogamy is natural and should be expected in relationships

Esther Perel’s views on monogamy

“Monogamy may or may not be natural to human beings, but transgression surely is.”

Theorists Finkel and Eastwick (2015) assert that the fundamental basis of attraction is ___________, or the extent to which someone is able to help us achieve our present goals

instrumentality

Influences on attraction

proximity effect/familiarity, physical attraction, reciprocity, similarity,

What People Want in a partner

Warmth and loyalty, Attractiveness and vitality, Status and resources

Slight differences between men and women on how important attractiveness vs. resources are: Men value attractiveness a bit more and women value resources a bit more. However, warmth and loyalty are more important to both

Anthropology

a social science that studies the development of the human species, human societies, cultures and their development

-Interested in power, religion, kinship, myths, migration, crafts and other practices, beliefs of subjects, groups, and societies established in a specific space and time

Culture

-umbrella term encompassing the social behavior and norms found in human societies, as well as the knowledge, beliefs, arts, laws, customs, capabilities, and habits of the individuals in these groups -set of customs, traditions and values of a society or a community

Cultural norms

templates of acceptable conduct in a social group; guidelines for behavior, language, dress, and demeanor

Material culture

expressions of culture, such as technology, architecture and art

Immaterial culture

principles of social organization (including political and religious organizations), mythology, philosophy, literature, and science comprise the heritage of a society

Historical perspective on love

Ancient Cultures where commoners were generally monogamous but elites practiced de facto polygyny. Examples: Mesopotamia, Egypt, Aztec Mexico, Inca Peru, India and China.

30th century BC: early Egyptians practiced birth control and a nuclear family was called a "house". In order "to build a house" a man was supposed to marry one woman and if she did not provide him with offspring, he could take a second wife. (Similar in ancient Babylon/Code of Hammurabi)

Augustus Caesar encouraged marriage and reproduction to force the aristocracy to divide their wealth and power among multiple heirs, but the aristocrats kept their socially monogamous, legitimate children to a minimum to ensure their legacy while having many extra-pair copulations

Ancient Indian Sanskrit text meant to serve as a guide to “sexuality, eroticism, and emotional fulfillment”; Written between 3rd Century BCE in India •

Text is poetic prose. It features sections on how to provide pleasure to your committed partner during sexual intercourse, how to attract a spouse, how to be a good spouse, and other self-help topics.

Caritas Synthesis

Translates to “charity” or “lovingkindness”

Developed by Church, starting with St. Augustine and later St. Thomas; Reflects the relationship between humans and God

Emphasis was on love between humans and God; Human love was subordinated to the love of God and intense love of a mate distracts/withdraws from love from God

Courtly Love (France 1100-1200)

French theory of “Amour Courtois” arising in the 12th century; believed that love is ennobling for men and women- Rules were elaborate; Only nobles had time for the rules (hence being at Court)

Love has ethical and aesthetic rules

Love is intertwined in courtship rituals but NOT resulting in marriage; Norm at the time was one could not truly love one’s marriage partner

Romance / Romantic Love (western Europe, 1800-1890)

Term coined by 19th century literary critic, Gaston Paris; equality between sexes, and similarities and complementarities of love partners started to be considered

Religious thinking of Middle Ages “God is love”, changed to the romanticism evolved concept of “love is God”

Romantic love developed the concept of sexual love as an ideal; Currently, Romantic Love is considered to be a combination of sexual desire and affection “lust and friendship, tenderness and affection”

The Victorian Era (Great Britain 1837-1901)

Progressive devaluation of women; Role is to marry → have kids → support hard working husband

Discussing sexuality became a taboo

From the 1960s to now: historical perspective on love

Sexual Revolution: 1960 - 1980s in Europe and America- “eroticization of female sexuality and decline of double standard”

Studies show that since the 1960s, there has been a decline in sexual differences between men and women, women becoming more assertive, encouraged to explore their sexuality

Rise of homosexual identity and subculture formed an elaborate gay subculture → impacted homosexual relationships as well

Greater acceptance of cohabitation, premarital and nonmarital sex, proliferation of pornography

Arranged Marriages

Partners selected by parents or matchmakers; “love emerges over time”

Previously common all over the world; Currently more common in eastern cultures (India, Japan and China)

Declining since 19th/20th century

55% of marriages that happen across the globe today are arranged marriages; 6.3% is the divorce rate of arranged marriages globally

Forced Arranged Marriage

individuals are not consulted and individuals have no say before the marriage

Consensual Arranged Marriage

individuals are consulted (can refuse)and individuals may meet before marriage

Lowest divorce rates in the world are noted to be in areas with the highest rate of __________

arranged marriages

Arranged Marriage in India

Example from India: 73% of young Indians (18-35) prefer arranged marriages; ~90% of all Indian marriages are arranged; 1/100 Indian marriages end in divorce; Studies indicate that marrying via arranged marriage or free choice had NO difference in marriage satisfaction

Relinquishing multiple aspects of having to make a choice- partner is screened by family and social circle, attractiveness levels are matched, don’t have to worry about when to stop searching, Limited opportunity for overthinking, Starting relationship with lower expectations

critiques: Upper class women are married later than lower class women – lower SES do not always have options. Arranged marriages preserve caste system, colorism, Sexual and Physical abuse/violence rate in India is high regardless of whether free or arranged, Fully arranged marriage is associated with lower autonomy

Criticisms of arranged marriage

Is the only marker of success the number of years a couple remains married?

Marriage statistics include “child” marriages (consider consent, exploitation)

There are differences in satisfaction, primarily tied to social status and class

In some countries, divorce is not a viable option (lack of means, safety, support, “dishonor”)

LGBT love terms

• Transgender • Cisgender •Gender Fluid •AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth) •AMAB (Assigned Male At Birth) •Gender Dysphoria

•LGBTQ •Lesbian •Gay •Bisexual •Queer

Gender Identity • Gender Expression • Sexual Orientation

The Persian romance of Laili and Majnun by Nezami Ganjawi (1140- 1209 CE)

Love story of two young lovers from Bedouin Arabia

Qays falls in love with his classmate Laylaand she too is smitten, Qays publicly and unreservedly pronounces his obsessive passion for her, earning the epithet Majnun (literally, “possessed” or “mad”), Layla’s parents reject this ‘crazy’ guy for their daughter!

Majnun wanders through the desert, living an ascetic life, and asks god to make him even more possessed in his love for Layla. Layla is given away in marriage to an affluent man (Ibn Salam), but she insists on preserving her chastity and Ibn Salam dies of rejection. Majnun is given the chance to see Layla again, he refuses to have physical (or sexual) contact with Layla, striving to realize “perfect love” that transcends sensual contact, selfish intentions, lust, & earthly desires.

Liang Shanbo & Zhu Yingtai

One of the four great folk legends of China (Tang Dynasty).

Zhu Yingtai is a young daughter from a wealthy family in Zhejiang who disguised herself as a man to attend a school in Hangzhou. She meets Liang Shanbo and they become good friends, swearing brotherhood. One day, Zhu is summoned by her father and before bidding farewell to Liang, asks him to visit and marry her “sister.” Liang pays a visit, surprised to found out that she was a woman. The two share romantic feelings with each other but Zhu is already betrothed to someone else. Liang, devastated, dies of heartache. On her wedding day, Zhu walks out of the procession to mourn over her lover as his grave. Seeing the tomb open for her, she throws herself beside Liang.Their spirits emerge as a pair of butterflies (Butterfly Lovers)

Love in modern Japan

In Japan 45% of women 16-24 and >25% of men were not interested in or despised sexual contact # of men and women 18-34 “not involved in any romantic relationship with the opposite sex” increased 1/3 people <30 never dated, and>25% 35-39 never had sex 2004—2012 % married couples no sex in the last month increased from 31.9 to 41.3% Birth rate is 222nd out of 224 countries

in the 1960’ s 70% of all marriages were arranged by family; now in 2005 – 6.2% of marriages were arranged

-herbivore men and hikikomori are common phemomena

Herbivore men

“Japanese men who are very shy and passive and show no interest in sex and romantic relationships”

60% of male singles in their 20’s and 30’s self-identify this way; Women express wish for men to take more initiative. Often fear rejection

Hikikomori

Japanese psychopathological and sociological phenomenon; means "pulling inward, being confined"

reclusive adolescents or adults in Japan who withdraw from society and seek extreme degrees of isolation and confinement; may seek love in fantasy/imaginary relationships

Love in Modern China

Since the socialist revolution in 1950, the rights of Chinese women have been written into the country's constitution. Under Mao, unprecedented numbers of women joined the workforce and they were celebrated as "iron girls"

But now, China is home to a fifth of the world’s women whose status as equals is dwindling. Domestic violence rates in the country have soared, marital rape is not considered a crime, those who dare to call themselves feminist activists are being detained by the government, and unmarried women older than 27 are commonly referred to as "leftover women”

Love in modern South Korea

Decline in marriage rate; The number of marriages in 2021 was the lowest since the tracking of marriages began in 1970; World’s lowest fertility rate in 2021

Youth criticize the push to marry, citing economic insecurities. Work culture demands time from young singles, leaving them trapped and unable to make connections to find love or start families. Women criticize the push to marry because it objectifies them as merely being responsible for becoming mothers rather than receiving support to pursue their own goals or dreams

Henry VIII

Henry VIII put away Catharine and took Anne Boleyn as his wife, in open defiance of Rome and only by means of breaking England off from communion with the Roman Catholic Church; even the king of England could not disobey the law for love

sigheh (in Iran)

a temporary marriage

In the Islamic Republic of Iran, sex outside of marriage is a crime; A man and a woman may contract a mut’afor a finite period of time—minutes to 99+ years

Iran’s Shiite clerics not only tolerate sigheh, but actively promote it as an important element of the country’s official religion (a “ sexual escape valve”)

While women may have only one husband at a time, men may have four wives and are permitted unlimited temporary wives.

Loving v. Virginia (1967)

In 1958, two residents of Virginia, Mildred Jeter, a black woman, and Richard Loving, a white man, were married in the District of Columbia. The Lovings returned to Virginia shortly thereafter. The couple was then charged with violating the state's antimiscegenation statute, which banned inter-racial marriages; went to supreme court

Question for the Supreme Court: Did Virginia's antimiscegenation law violate the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment?; decision was yes and overturned all state laws restricting marriage on the basis of race

Obergefell v. Hodges

Groups of same-sex couples sued their relevant state agencies in Ohio, Michigan, Kentucky, and Tennessee to challenge the constitutionality of those states' bans on same-sex marriage or refusal to recognize legal same-sex marriages that occurred in jurisdictions that provided for such marriages; argued this violated 14th ammendment

The Court held that the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment guarantees the right to marry as one of the fundamental liberties it protects, and that analysis applies to same-sex couples.

Triunal brain

consists of the reptilian, emotional, and thinking brain

reptillian brain (triunal model)

the “oldest” brain, has vital control centers and does not have an emotional center

mammalian brains (emotional brain, triunal model)

have vocal communication between mammals and offspring, separation cries, and ply is also unique in mammals. Can also express emotional states

neocortical brain (thinking brain, triunal model)

the “newest” brain, involves reasoning, problem solving, motor control, and free will

limbic system

the part of the brain that is dedicated to emotions; amygdala, hippocampus, hypothalamus, corpus callosum, cingulate gyrus, etc

limbic resonance

the capacity for empathy and non-verbal connection; ie mutual exchange

intuition

a nonjudgmental way to actually assess another person that is not rational but that is driven by the meaning that the person has for us

neuron

the mechanism for how neurotransmitters/information is spread throughout the brain

synapse

the space between neurons that passes chemical information through electrical impulses

Neurotransmitters

Chemicals that transmit signals across a synapse from one neuron to another 'target' neuron; Released from synaptic vesicles at the end of one neuron into the synapse, where they are received by receptors on the target neuron.

Neurotransmitters of love

Dopamine • Norepinephrine • Serotonin • Endorphins (opioids) • Oxytocin • Vasopressin

dopamine

the reward circuitry in the VTA (ventral tegmental area) that is related to both love and addiction

drug abuse increases dopamine and changes pathways

Prairie Voles Study

When a female is mated with a male, she forms a distinct preference for this partner associated with a 50% increase of dopamine in the nucleus accumbens. When a dopamine antagonist (blocker) is injected directly into the nucleus accumbens, females no longer have preference for this same partner. When a dopamine agonist (enhancer) is injected directly into the nucleus accumbens, she begins to prefer a specific male who is present at the time of the infusion, even if the female has not mated with this male.

Increased oxytocin leads to increased pair bonding in females Increased vasopressin leads to increased pair bonding in males

norepinephrine

a stress hormone involved in the fight or flight process; hypothesised to be elevated in states of intense attraction

serotonin

Primary neurotransmitter thought to be involved in mood and emotional stability

Deficits in serotonin are associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder; Serotonin is also implicated in depression and anxiety

SSRIS can help increase happiness

Helen Fisher and others hypothesize that ________ levels are decreased in a state of romantic love. This is why love can be thought of as an obsession. Fisher also has the controversial idea that SSRIs can _______ falling in love (There’s no scientific evidence for this).

serotonin; inhibit

endorphins

chemicals made in the body that resemble opiates; related to sex, love, and happiness

Research with primates suggests that the activation of the opioid systems of the mother and child propels the attachment process

oxytocin

Neurochemical produced in the hypothalamus that modulates bonding, social behavior, and attachment

Key neurochemical in mother-infant bonding; released during labor and breastfeeding, increases in both mothers and fathers and facilitates bonding and attachment

Love,” “cuddle,” “bonding” hormone; is increased in relationships. Couples with higher levels of oxytocin predicted longevity or a relationship

Three distinct brain systems for courtship, mating, reproduction, and parenting that have evolved in mammalian species are:

The Sex Drive ◦ Attraction ◦ Attachment

The Sex Drive

Characterized by a craving for sexual gratification; Evolved to motivate individuals to seek sexual union

Attraction

Characterized by focused attention on a preferred partner, heightened energy, motivation, and goal-oriented courtship behaviors; Evolved to motivate individuals to prefer particular mating partners, thereby making mate choice

Attachment

Characterized by expressions of calm when in social contact with a mating partner and separation anxiety when apart

Also associated with parental behaviors such as territory defense, nest building, mutual feeding, grooming, and other parenting chores

mirror neurons

neurons in our brain that help us to copy other behaviors and feel emotional empathy for one another

Harry Harlow

studied mother-infant attachment and love in monkeys; found that monkeys prefer nurture over immediate needs (food)

study showed monkeys preferred to spend time with cloth mother (comfort) over wire mother (food)

Rene Spitz

studied hospitalized settings and the affect on child development; found that children who lost parents were deficient in emotional and physical development. Also coined the terms anaclytic depression and hospitalism, a form of depression related to severe attachment separation

anaclitic dperession

emotional deprivation due to lack of caregiver; results in partial deficiency and depression

hospitalism

a more severe form of anaclitic depression that is due to separation from a caregiver, is theoretically irreversible

John Bowlby

studies family interactions involved in both healthy and pathological development; found that infants and children should experience a warm, consistent relationship with their caregiver

proved that young children have mental health and are directly influenced by their environment

Influenced by Anna Freud (research parental separation in WW2) and Rene Spitz

Konrad Lorenz

studied attachment in geese, discovered imprinting (the instinctive bond of some animals to the first moving object they see)