Complete Works of William Shakespeare lines

finish pre-show announcement

JOSH: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Josh Woods. When I was in kindergarten,I saved up my pennies and this, is the first thing I bought. This—for those of you who have never3 seen one before—is a book. Ink printed on sheets of paper, bound in leather. No battery. No touch-screen. You can’t take a selfie with it. It is simply a book. But not just Amy book. It’s the Complete Works of William Shakespeare. Which, for me, is the best book in he history of books. Sure, it’s violent and racist and sexist and jingoistic and patriarchal. But it’s no worse on those fronts that the Bible. And the plots make a lot more sense. And there’s cross dressing, so… definitely better.

Now, this strange room that you are all sitting in is called a ‘theatre.’ It’s the place where the words in this book come to life. Where the magic happens. Ah, the history of Rolling Meadows. Who can forget that one-night-only stage play where a former cast member dressed up as a cat. And beat someone up? Or the Sunday matinee when all of Mamma Mia’s finale was skipped. And now, tonight, in this very theatre… Ms Svarz is giving us one whole act to do this…

Seriously, we got a good deal on rent but there’s this troupe doing a Dungeons and Dragons Inspired role play session in the late slot, and they’re all already backstage and they scare me.

But fear not—although the time we have is short, the feat we will attempt is impossible. Tonight, my crew and I will attempt to capture the magic, the genius, the towering grandeur of THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.

Now we’ve got a lot t9 get through tonight. So without further ado, I’d like to introduce an individual who knows more about Shakespeare that anyone they know. One of Rolling Meadows most preeminent Shakespearean scholars, they have a Bachelor’s Degree from the School of Rock and a Certificate of Completion from preeminentshakespeareanscholar.com. Please welcome me in joining Dr. August Grosso

AUGUST: …There it took root and spread through the lymphatic system of Western Civilization, until it became a giant carbuncle of knowledge and understanding on the very organ of our consciousness

JOSH: Wow

AUGUST: And yet how much do we intellectually flaccid members of the Twenty-first Century appreciate the plump fruit of Shakespeare’s loins?

JOSH: Yeah—how much?

AUGUST: We’re screwed.

JOSH: Why?

AUGUST: I think they know more than we do.

JOSH: But you’re an eminent Shakespeare scholar!

AUGUST: No, I’m pre-eminent.

JOSH: Then be preeminent.

NICK: It’s… about a hunchback?

JOSH: Would you stand up, please?

My friends ecce homo

AUGUST: …Exchange the isolation of the iPhone for the idylls of the iamb! Imagine a world where manly men wear pink tights with pride!

JOSH: Hallelijah!

AUGUST: …Now on with the show, and may the Bard be with you!

JOSH:Those of you who own a copy of this book know that no collection is complete without a brief biography of the life of William Shakespeare. Providing this option of the show will be the third member of our company. Please welcome to the stage Mr. Nick Vuca.

NICK: …Catholic member of the landed gentry =. In 1582 hew married Anne Hathaway.

JOSH: Different Anne Hathaway.

NICK: …Although there’s also a huge monument to him at the mall. Thank you.

JOSH: okaaaay, well! The clock is ticking, the role playing guys are glaring at me from the wings, and so without further, further ado, we are proud to present The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged)

NICOLE: …I didn’t write it. “And bring me my Romeo!”

JOSH: Boo hoo hoo hoo!

NICOLE: O it is my nurse. Yo boobs overboard!

JOSH: Oops!

NICOLE: Now nurse, what news?

JOSH: Alack the day! He’s gone, he’s kill’s he’s dead!

NICOLE: Can heaven be so envious?

JOSH: O Romeo! Who ever would have thought it? Romeo!

NICOLE: What devil art thou to torment me thus? Hath Romeo slain himself?

JOSH: I saw the wound! I saw it with mine we eyes, here, in his manly breast.

NICOLE: Is Romeo slaughter’d and is Tybalt dead?

JOSH: No, Tybalt is slain and Romeo is banished. Romeo that kill’s Tybalt, he is banished!

NICOLE: O God! Did Romeo’s hand she Tybalt’s blood?

JOSH: It did, it did, alas the day it did. Aaaaaaa! Aaaaaa!

MOLLY: I didn’t Google it, I ChatGPT’d it

JOSH: Even Worse!

MOLLY: C’mon. Just curious—how many of you here know what a ‘Moor’ is? Go on, shout it out.

JOSH: Can you believe these people? Wow… So, August, what’s a Moor?

AUGUST: Seriously? You know what? I think this is an opportunity for a much needed deep dive into rage important issues of ethnic, racial identity vis-a-vis male/female power dynamics in an arguably white male supremacist society.

JOSH; I have a better idea! What id the boats were awesome, and were done with Othello?

AUGUST: Fine.

JOSH: Hey, how’s about we take a little break from all these heavy tragedies and move on to the comedies?

AUGUST: Not really, but sure!

ALL: Comedy!

MOLLY: Whatever. He’s a big cheater.

JOSH: Hey, it takes a real genius to milk five ideas into sixteen plays.

MOLLY: Yeah, but i can never tell them apart. Like what’s the one with the shipwreck, the identical twins, and the big wedding at the end?

JOSH: All of them.

CHARLOTTE: Act two. Fearing ravishment, the clueless young princess disguises herself as a boy and becomes a page to a handsome, dashing, clueless young soldier.

JOSH: You there, boy!

LIZZIE: Yes?… I mean… Yes?

JOSH: You shall woo Kate for me, for she is shrewish, and I am sick with love and gender dysphoria!

LIZZIE: I too feel both phlegm and confused down there, for while I may not speak it aloud, I do love thee, though I am a boy.

JOSH: I swingers not that way, boy. Deliver this letter to Kate the shrew. Go, hence.

LIZZIE: Whence?

JOSH: Hie thee hither from hence to thence!

LIZZIE: That doesn’t make any sense!

JOSH: Beacuse you’re dense.

CHARLOTTE: And they all get married and live happily ever after. Now give us you hands if we be friends—

ALL: Beacuse all is well that’s finally ends!

ALL: Because all is well that finally ends.

JOSH: Sixteen okays in five minutes. Not bad@! But if we’re gonna get out of here before The Roleplaying Troupe starts blowing darts at us, we have to get back to the tragedies.

JOSH: Sixteen okays in five minutes. Not bad@! But if we’re gonna get out of here before The Roleplaying Troupe starts blowing darts at us, we have to get back to the tragedies.

ALL: Tragedy!

MIKEY: Oh yeah! Mac—

JOSH: Shhhh! Don’t say it!

NICOLE: Vomit!

JOSH: With your kind indulgence, we now present our authentically-Scottish interpretation of Macbeth.

AUGUST: Meanwhile, in Ancient Rome, Julius Caesar was a much beloved tyrant.

JOSH: All basil, Julius Caesar.

NICK: Well they should be. They could ‘Save a bundle’

JOSH: ooooookay. My friends. Two Noble Kinsmen falls into the category of Shakespeares plays which are neither tragedy, comedy, nor history, which scholars refer to as the ‘problem’ plays or in some circles, the obscure plays, or the lesser plays. Or simply, the bad plays. And yet, not all the bad plays are completely without merit. In fact, one of them, Troilus and Cressida, is hardly crap at all. I actually discuss it in my unpublished monograph about Shakespeare entitled. “I love my Willy.” Ohm you three would love it! Let me show you!

ALL: Josh! No!

JOSH: Um, my monograph? It has a whole chapter examining authorship markers in the Troilus Quarto versus the First Folio.

LIZZIE: Yeah! Get some props!

JOSH: Now wait a minute. I was thinking of a more straightforward, scholarly approach.

NICK: Go ahead and read, and we’ll interpret.

JOSH: Well, okay. Troilus and Cressida was written in 1603, published in quarto in 1604, and appears in the First Folio, although this version is some one hundred and sixty-six lines longer that the second edition of 1645, which is some one hundred and sixty-six lines shorter.

Stop it. STOP IT! You’re making a mockery of my hard work!

MOLLY: Josh, Just spitballing, but— Os there something i there about the plot?

JOSH: Plot? Of course I cover the plot. Right here in the footnote on page ninety-seven. ‘Troilus, youngest son of Priam, King of Troy—‘

MOLLY: Okay great.

JOSH: —loves Cressida—… so who’s gonna date Molly in this one?

MOLLY: What’s that supposed to mean?

JOSH: Let’s get back to the Shakespeare: —and has arranged with her uncle Pandarus for a meeting. Although she feigns indifference, she is a reacted to him.

CHARLOTTE: I have to feign indifference?!

JOSH: Yes— Meanwhile, Agamemnon the Greek commander—

MOLLY: I’d be looking out the window at the kids playing ball, and thinking, Why can’t this Shakespeare stuff be more like sports?!

JOSH: Sports?

AUGUST: Hey, they are kinda similar, aren’t they?

JOSH: Yeah, I can see that! Line ‘em up!

MOLLY: He’s fading back to pass, looking for an heir downfield, but there’s a heavy rush from King John.

JOSH: My gross flesh sinks downwards!

ALL: Henry the FifthQ Richard the Third! The whole royal family’s frickin absurd! Go, Megan!

JOSH: Can I have some house lights please? Can I borrow your program for a sec?

AUGUST: What are you doing?

JOSH: I just wanna check the list of plays. I think we might have done them all already.

NICK: Really?

JOSH:L Yeah, see, we did all the histories just now—

LIZZIE: And thats it, right? That’s all of them! Comedies, histories, tragedies—Boom!

JOSH: Wow. Great. Looks like we can let you go a little early.

NICOLE: Hey, no, look.

ALL: Oh, no… Hamlet!

MIKEY: I don’t wanna do it!

JOSH: Look, Mikey. Our show’s called The Complete Works Of William Shakespeare.

MIKEY: Okay, fine. We’ll do Hamlet.

ALL: Great—

MIKEY: I’ll kill little Timmy! I’ll kill him!

JOSH: Fine, but that’ll definitely turn him off to Shakespeare.

CHARLOTTE: Woo-hoo! Hamlet! Give me an H-E-L! Give me an M-E-T! What’s that spell?

ALL: Helmet.

ALL: Helmet.

JOSH: DOes anyone actually know Hamlet?

MIKEY: So, I can go?

ALL: NO

NICOLE: Or like, a lesson that needs to be taught the the youth.

JOSH: I think Mikey grabbing that kid over there ruined any lesson that could have been taught to the youth.

KENZIE: So whats the big payoff?

JOSH: I think the pay off is The Role Playing Troupe backstage not beating us up. I mean, the original script were following is two acts long. We could have taken their time lot too.