POTUS 2.4

(Lights up. Backstage at the FML gala. Offfstage, the din of guests. Harriet is on the phone)

They patched up his head, they cleaned him up, they’re putting him in a tux but he’s not waking up

M: Where is he? The feminists are getting restless

He’s not up yet. Stall them

D: You wrote the speech, you should deliver it

She’s right, you know it better than he does

D: Someone who looks like him!

M: / Brilliant

Absolutely not

Dusty: We put some glasses on her, slick back her hair, from the stage no one will be able to tell!

Of course they’ll be able to tell!

Dusty: I’ll stall the crowd while you get ready!

How are you going to stall the

Dusty: BitchBeats playlist. Karaoke version. I want the bass loud and the lights hot. Plug her in, Marge
“HELLO DC! We got some angry bitches in the house TONIGHT!”

This isn’t going to work! This woman is not capable of even pretending to be anything other than exactly what she is: / an irresponsible, selfish

Dusty: Where my Iowa girls at? Who loves a big caucus?

What are you doing?

B: Last I checked, POTUS doesn’t have an ankle monitor

If you take that off before your pardon you go straight back to prison!

B: Yeah, well, E pubis umami, you know?

E PLURIBUS UNUM, you idiot! WAIT
No! You can’t go back there! You can’t leave me again!

D - Some people were saying you’re the real brains in the White House. POTUS felt like the only way to prove that’s not true was to fire you

You’re not running it! / We will make your life hell

Chris: You think I’m going to be scared off by some libel lawsuits?

What are you gonna write, huh? That you thought you killed the president with a stone suffragist? You don’t have a story

Chris: Oh really? How about the president who would rather risk war than admit his butt hurts? Or the boss who treats his golf clubs better than he treats his staff? OR maybe it’s just the man who leads his country like he loves his women: only when we serve him!

Harry! Where are you going? It’s almost time

H: He’s firing me

What are you talking about?

H: I have to- I’ll be right back

What are you doing?

H: Just stay here / okay

Harry we’re so close, don’t do something stupid

H: I love you, Jean. You’re my best friend. / I’ve never had a friend like you

Put that down. What are you thinking?

H: I have to make it end

NO, I’m not going to let you

H: LEt go - BACK / OFF

I WON’T LET YOUI

I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE! IT HAS TO END! I HAVE OT MAKE IT END

HARRIET

H: Fuck

Where?

Bern: Go get' ‘em Marge

You look amazing

Chris: Go anyway! They’re so amped from the show they’re not even letting him talk!

Just go out when he’s done with the speech

Chris: No! Push him off the fucking stage!

Not all of us can just blow up our lives, Chris

Chris: I know you got more than that to say, Harry. You know here lal the skeletons are

Leave her alone!

Chris: Go on the record and get out now before you go down iwht him

Guys like that don’t go down. We’re the ones who’ll go down

Chris: Listen to them! They odn’t want him. THey want an encore! He can’t last if you stop saving him

Then someone else will! He won! Lots of people love him!

Stephanie: What’s the alternative?

US!

Harriet: Wait, does FML mean Fuck My LIfe?

YES

Marge: He looks like he’s gonna fall

You think he’s actually gonna fall?

Harriet: Yes (To you think he’s gonna fall?)

Should we do something?

H: Will you stay with me?

I’m here