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(Lights up. Backstage at the FML gala. Offfstage, the din of guests. Harriet is on the phone)
They patched up his head, they cleaned him up, theyāre putting him in a tux but heās not waking up
M: Where is he? The feminists are getting restless
Heās not up yet. Stall them
D: You wrote the speech, you should deliver it
Sheās right, you know it better than he does
D: Someone who looks like him!
M: / Brilliant
Absolutely not
Dusty: We put some glasses on her, slick back her hair, from the stage no one will be able to tell!
Of course theyāll be able to tell!
Dusty: Iāll stall the crowd while you get ready!
How are you going to stall the
Dusty: BitchBeats playlist. Karaoke version. I want the bass loud and the lights hot. Plug her in, Marge
āHELLO DC! We got some angry bitches in the house TONIGHT!ā
This isnāt going to work! This woman is not capable of even pretending to be anything other than exactly what she is: / an irresponsible, selfish
Dusty: Where my Iowa girls at? Who loves a big caucus?
What are you doing?
B: Last I checked, POTUS doesnāt have an ankle monitor
If you take that off before your pardon you go straight back to prison!
B: Yeah, well, E pubis umami, you know?
E PLURIBUS UNUM, you idiot! WAIT
No! You canāt go back there! You canāt leave me again!
D - Some people were saying youāre the real brains in the White House. POTUS felt like the only way to prove thatās not true was to fire you
Youāre not running it! / We will make your life hell
Chris: You think Iām going to be scared off by some libel lawsuits?
What are you gonna write, huh? That you thought you killed the president with a stone suffragist? You donāt have a story
Chris: Oh really? How about the president who would rather risk war than admit his butt hurts? Or the boss who treats his golf clubs better than he treats his staff? OR maybe itās just the man who leads his country like he loves his women: only when we serve him!
Harry! Where are you going? Itās almost time
H: Heās firing me
What are you talking about?
H: I have to- Iāll be right back
What are you doing?
H: Just stay here / okay
Harry weāre so close, donāt do something stupid
H: I love you, Jean. Youāre my best friend. / Iāve never had a friend like you
Put that down. What are you thinking?
H: I have to make it end
NO, Iām not going to let you
H: LEt go - BACK / OFF
I WONāT LET YOUI
I CANāT DO IT ANYMORE! IT HAS TO END! I HAVE OT MAKE IT END
HARRIET
H: Fuck
Where?
Bern: Go get' āem Marge
You look amazing
Chris: Go anyway! Theyāre so amped from the show theyāre not even letting him talk!
Just go out when heās done with the speech
Chris: No! Push him off the fucking stage!
Not all of us can just blow up our lives, Chris
Chris: I know you got more than that to say, Harry. You know here lal the skeletons are
Leave her alone!
Chris: Go on the record and get out now before you go down iwht him
Guys like that donāt go down. Weāre the ones whoāll go down
Chris: Listen to them! They odnāt want him. THey want an encore! He canāt last if you stop saving him
Then someone else will! He won! Lots of people love him!
Stephanie: Whatās the alternative?
US!
Harriet: Wait, does FML mean Fuck My LIfe?
YES
Marge: He looks like heās gonna fall
You think heās actually gonna fall?
Harriet: Yes (To you think heās gonna fall?)
Should we do something?
H: Will you stay with me?
Iām here