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(Lights up. Backstage at the FML gala. Offfstage, the din of guests. Harriet is on the phone)
They patched up his head, they cleaned him up, they’re putting him in a tux but he’s not waking up
M: Where is he? The feminists are getting restless
He’s not up yet. Stall them
D: You wrote the speech, you should deliver it
She’s right, you know it better than he does
D: Someone who looks like him!
M: / Brilliant
Absolutely not
Dusty: We put some glasses on her, slick back her hair, from the stage no one will be able to tell!
Of course they’ll be able to tell!
Dusty: I’ll stall the crowd while you get ready!
How are you going to stall the
Dusty: BitchBeats playlist. Karaoke version. I want the bass loud and the lights hot. Plug her in, Marge
“HELLO DC! We got some angry bitches in the house TONIGHT!”
This isn’t going to work! This woman is not capable of even pretending to be anything other than exactly what she is: / an irresponsible, selfish
Dusty: Where my Iowa girls at? Who loves a big caucus?
What are you doing?
B: Last I checked, POTUS doesn’t have an ankle monitor
If you take that off before your pardon you go straight back to prison!
B: Yeah, well, E pubis umami, you know?
E PLURIBUS UNUM, you idiot! WAIT
No! You can’t go back there! You can’t leave me again!
D - Some people were saying you’re the real brains in the White House. POTUS felt like the only way to prove that’s not true was to fire you
You’re not running it! / We will make your life hell
Chris: You think I’m going to be scared off by some libel lawsuits?
What are you gonna write, huh? That you thought you killed the president with a stone suffragist? You don’t have a story
Chris: Oh really? How about the president who would rather risk war than admit his butt hurts? Or the boss who treats his golf clubs better than he treats his staff? OR maybe it’s just the man who leads his country like he loves his women: only when we serve him!
Harry! Where are you going? It’s almost time
H: He’s firing me
What are you talking about?
H: I have to- I’ll be right back
What are you doing?
H: Just stay here / okay
Harry we’re so close, don’t do something stupid
H: I love you, Jean. You’re my best friend. / I’ve never had a friend like you
Put that down. What are you thinking?
H: I have to make it end
NO, I’m not going to let you
H: LEt go - BACK / OFF
I WON’T LET YOUI
I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE! IT HAS TO END! I HAVE OT MAKE IT END
HARRIET
H: Fuck
Where?
Bern: Go get' ‘em Marge
You look amazing
Chris: Go anyway! They’re so amped from the show they’re not even letting him talk!
Just go out when he’s done with the speech
Chris: No! Push him off the fucking stage!
Not all of us can just blow up our lives, Chris
Chris: I know you got more than that to say, Harry. You know here lal the skeletons are
Leave her alone!
Chris: Go on the record and get out now before you go down iwht him
Guys like that don’t go down. We’re the ones who’ll go down
Chris: Listen to them! They odn’t want him. THey want an encore! He can’t last if you stop saving him
Then someone else will! He won! Lots of people love him!
Stephanie: What’s the alternative?
US!
Harriet: Wait, does FML mean Fuck My LIfe?
YES
Marge: He looks like he’s gonna fall
You think he’s actually gonna fall?
Harriet: Yes (To you think he’s gonna fall?)
Should we do something?
H: Will you stay with me?
I’m here