Chapter 8-12 Intro Personal Comm

Listening

Process of receiving and responding to others’ messages

Not automatic

Hearing

sound waves strike the eardrum and cause vibrations that are transmitted to the brain

Mindless Listening

React to messages automatically and routinely without much mental investment

Mindful Listening

Giving careful and thoughtful attention and responses to the messages we receive

Task Oriented Listening

Efficiency, accomplishing job

Relational listening

Building emotional closeness

Analytical listening

Attend to full message before judging

Critical listening

Evaluate messages

Recognizing Barriers in Listening

Information overload

Personal concerns

Rapid Thought

Noise

Pseudolistening

Pretending to pay attention

Stage Hogging

Expressing your own ideas without inviting others to share theirs

Selective Listening

Responding only to the parts of a speaker’s remarks that interest you, ignoring or rejecting everything else.

Filling in gaps

Manufacturing information that wasn’t part of an original story or message.

Insulated Listening

Tune out any topics they’d rather not deal with.

Defensive Listening

Taking innocent comments as personal attacks.

Ambushing

Listening carefully only to collect information for use in attacking the speaker

Hearing: Physiological

The starting point of the listening process

Can be diminished by physiological barriers, background noise, or auditory fatigue

Attending: Psychological

• We attend most carefully when there is a payoff

• Skillful communicators attend to words and nonverbal cues

• Attempt to screen out distractions

• Phoning and driving are a dangerous combo

Understanding

• Knowledge about the source of a message

• Syntactic and grammatical rules

• Context of a message

• Listening Fidelity

  • Congruence between understanding and what sender is trying to communicate 

Remembering: Ability to recall information

Number of times the information is heard/repeated

How much information is stored in the brain

Whether the information may be “rehearsed” or not

Responding: giving observable feedback

• Good listeners show attentiveness

• Eye contact

• Appropriate facial expressions

• Answering questions

• Exchanging ideas

Silent Listening

• Staying attentive and nonverbally responsive without offering any verbal feedback

• Right approach when interjections are not appropriate

• Silent listening can help others solve problems

Questioning

• Clarify meaning

• Learn about others’ though, feelings, wants

  • Open Questions: variety of responses

  • Closed questions: limited answers

• Encourage elaboration and discovery

• Gather more facts and details

Open Questions

Variety of responses

Closed Questions

Limited answers

Counterfeit Questions:

Attempts to send a message

• Trap the speaker

• Make statements

• Carry hidden agendas

• Seek “correct” answers

• Based on unchecked assumptions

Paraphrasing

• Feedback that restates, in your own words, the message you thought the speaker sent 

• Types:

  • Change the speaker’s wording

  • Offer an example of what you think the speaker is talking about

  • Reflect underlying theme of speaker’s remarks

• Paraphrasing Factual Information

  • Use a questioning tone

  • Turn personal topics to a factual level

  • Paraphrase instructions, direction, and decisions before acting 

• Paraphrasing Personal Information

  • Listen for thoughts, feelings, wants

  • Paraphrases don’t have to be long

  • Mix paraphrasing with other response

  • May be awkward at first

Empathizing

• Shows you identify with the speaker

• Identifies with the speaker’s emotions and perceptions more than paraphrasing

• Offers less evaluation and agreement than supporting responses 

• Listeners are not empathizing when:

  • Denying others the right to their feelings

  • Minimizing the significance of the situation

  • Focus on yourself

  • Raining on the speaker’s parade

Supporting

• Reveals solidarity with the speaker’s situation

• Types:

  • Agreement

  • Offers to help

  • Praise

  • Reassurance 

  • Diversion

• Support is beneficial:

  • When the expression of support is sincere

  • When the other person can accept your support

  • When focusing on “here and now”

  • Rather than “then and there”

Analyzing

• Interpretation of a speaker’s message

• Offers alternative meanings, objective understanding

• Analysis can create more problems when:

  • Interpretation is incorrect and causes confusion

  • Analysis arouses defensiveness

• Guidelines

  • Offer interpretation in a tentative way

  • A reasonable chance of being correct

  • Make sure that the other person will be receptive

  • Ensure analysis motive is to truly help other person

Evaluating

• Appraises the sender’s thoughts or behaviors in some way; may be favorable or unfavorable

• Constructive criticism

  • Intended to help the problem holder improve in the future

Advising

• Not helpful when:

  • Doesn’t offer the best suggestion

  • Being in position of “advice recipient” is potentially unwelcome identity

  • Allows others to avoid responsibility for decisions

  • People often don’t want advice, not ready to accept it 

• Consider:

  • Is advice needed? Wanted? Given in right sequence? 

  • Is advice coming from an expert?

  • Is advisor a close and trusted friend? 

  • Is advice offered in a sensitive, face-saving manner?

Emotional Intelligence

ability to understand and manage one’s own emotions and to be sensitive to other’s feelings

• Success depends on EQ (emotional intelligence quota)

Physiological Changes

Increased HR

Rise in BP

Increase in adrenaline

Elevated blood sugar level

Slowing of digestion

Nonverbal Behavior

Observable behavior

Hard to determine the exact emotion

Can cause emotions, rather than reverse

Connection between verbalizing emotions and nonverbal reactions

Cognitive Interpretations

The mind impacts how we feel

Bodily components of most emotions are similar so experience of emotions come from labels and interpretations

Reappraisal: rethinking meaning of events to alter emotional impact

Reappraisal

rethinking meaning of events to alter emotional impact

Influences on emotional expression

Culture

• Same events generate different feelings in different culture

• Ethnicity impacts how others express emotional states and appropriate rules for expressing emotions

• Individualistic-collectivistic dynamics impact behavior within in-groups and towards out-groups

Influences on emotional expression: Gender

• Gender roles shape way men and women experience and express emotions

• Some truth to cultural stereotype of inexpressive male and demonstrative female

• Men and women experience same emotions, but differ how they are read and expressed

Influences on emotional expression: Social Conventions and Roles

• Unwritten rules of communication discourage direct expressions of most emotions 

• Reluctance to threaten “face” of others

• Emotion Labor: situations in which managing and suppressing emotions is appropriate and necessary

• Capacity to recognize and act on certain emotions decreases without practice

Emotion Labor

situations in which managing and suppressing emotions is appropriate and necessary

Emotional Contagion

Process by which emotions are transferred from one person to another

Can occur quickly with little or no verbal communication

Facilitative

• Contributes to effective functioning

• Certain amount of anger/irritation can be constructive when improving unsatisfying conditions

• A little bit of nervousness can boost performance

Debilitative

• Hinder or prevent performance

• More intensity

• Extended duration

Rumination

recurrent thoughts not demanded by the immediate environment

Rational-emotive approach

• change feelings by changing unproductive interpretations

• It’s not events that cause emotions, but beliefs held about events

• Interpretations of events determine feelings

• Activating Event (Being called names) → Thought or Belief (“I’ve done something wrong”) → Consequences (Hurt, upset)

Fallacy of perfection

The irrational belief that a worthwhile communicator should be able to handle every situation with complete confidence and skill

Fallacy of approval

The irrational belief that it is vital to win the approval of virtually every person with whom a communicator interacts

Fallacy of Should

The irrational belief that people should behave in the most desirable way, based on the inability to distinguish between what is and what should be

Fallacy of overgeneralization

Irrational beliefs in which

1. Conclusions (usually negative) are based on limited evidence

2. Communicators exaggerate their shortcomings

Fallacy of causation

The irrational belief that emotions are caused by others and not by the person who has them

Fallacy of helplessness

The irrational belief that satisfaction in life is determined by forces beyond one’s control

Fallacy of catastrophic expectations

The irrational belief that the worst possible outcome will probably occur

Minimizing Debilitative Emotions

Monitor your emotional reactions

Note the activating event

• Specific people

• Types of individuals

• Setting

• Topics of conversation

Record your self-talk

Dispute your irrational beliefs

Change your self-talk

Maximizing Facilitative Emotions

• Enjoy and savor positive emotional experiences

• Regard challenging situations as opportunities for growth

• Focus on what you gained, not on what you lost

• Choose compassion over contempt

Appearance

Important in early stages

Ordinary-looking people with pleasing personalities are likely to be judged as attractive

Physical factors less important as relationship progresses

Similarity thesis

similar likes, economic class, educational standing, values

• Similarities are validating

• Enable fairly accurate predictions

• We assume similar people will like us

Complementarity

Differences strengthen a relationship when each partner’s characteristics satisfy the other’s needs

Successful couples find ways to balance similarities and differences

Exchange

Seek out people who can give us rewards that are greater than or equal to the costs we encounter in dealing with them

• Rewards: outcomes that we desire

• Costs: undesirable outcomes

• Rewards + Costs = Outcome

Competency

• We hope others’ skills and abilities will rub off on us

• We’re uncomfortable around those who are too competent

• We like people somewhat flawed because we are reminded of ourselves 

Proximity

Develop relationships with people with whom we interact frequently-- even in cyberspace

Proximity leads to liking

Familiarity can also breed contempt

Disclosure

Sharing is important information breeds liking based on respect and trust

Reciprocity is key to satisfying disclosure

Timing is important

Initiating

You are interested in making contact

Demonstrate that you are a person worth talking to

Superficial stage

Difficult stage for shy people

Opening stage of all relationships

Experimenting

Search for common ground

Small talk

• Learn about shared interests

• Allows for “auditioning”

• Safe way to ease into a relationship

Intensifying

• Personal relationships develops 

• Relationships excitement and euphoria 

• Stage doesn’t last forever 

Integrating

Identity as a social unit

Social circles merge

Partners develop routines and rituals

Sense of obligation grows

Requests are straightforward; expectations heightened

Bonding

Symbolic public gestures to show the world that the relationship exists 

• Engagement/ marriage

• Sharing residence

• Written or verbal pledge 

Relationships don’t have to be romantic to achieve bonding 

Important turning point

Differentiating

Re-establishment of individual identities

• “Our” to “I”

Normal part of relationship maintenance

• Key is maintaining commitment while creating space for individuality

Circumscribing

Reduce contact

Distinctions are problematic when more areas of separation than integration

Stagnating

Relationship is hollow shell of its former self

Couples are unenthusiastic, have no sense of joy or novelty

Avoiding

Distance is created

Expressing detachment

• Avoiding the other person altogether or zoning out

Avoiding involvement 

• Ignoring, no touching, or superficial politeness 

Showing antagonism

• Behaving in a hostile way; treating the other person as “lesser”

Mentally dissociate

• Thinking about the other person as less capable, unimportant 

Vicious cycle develops

Terminating

Summary dialogues of where the relationship has gone; desire to disassociate

Can be short or drawn out

Termination is a learning experience

Dialectical tensions

Conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously

Integration-separation

Connection-autonomy

Inclusion-seclusion

Stability-change

Predictability-novelty

Conventionality-uniqueness

Expression-privacy

Openness-closedness

Revelation-concealment

Denial

Respond to one end and ignore other

Disorientation

Feel overwhelmed; unable to confront problems

Alternation

Choose one end at times and other end at other times

Segmentation

Compartmentalize areas of relationship

Balance

Manage both forces through compromise

Integration

Accept opposing forces without diminishing them

Recalibration

Reframing so contradiction disappears

Reaffirmation

Accept challenges of tensions

Metacommunication

Messages that refer to other messages, communication about communication

• Positivity

• Openness

• Assurance

• Sharing Tasks

• Social Networks

Five Strategies of Maintaining and Supporting Relationships

Relational Transgressions

When one partner violates the explicit or implicit terms of the relationship, letting the other one down in some important way

Types of Relational Transgressions

• Minor versus significant

• Social versus relational

• Deliberate versus unintentional

• One-time versus incremental

Strategies for Relational Repair

Talk about the violation

Ask questions and listen nondefensively to the answers

Apologize:

• Explicit admission transgression was wrong

• Genuine regret

• Compensation

Nonverbal behavior must match words

Types of Friendships

Short v. Long Term

Task v. maintenance-oriented

Low v. High Disclosure

Low v. High Obligation

Infrequent v. frequent contact

Same-sex friendships

Usually first friends

Communication differs for men and women

Cross-sex friendships

Offers many benefits

For heterosexuals present challenges with potential for romance

Friends with benefits

• Includes sexual activity

• Men and women equally likely to be in FWB relationships

• FWB partners avoid discussing relational status

Family

system with two or more interdependent people who have a common history and a present reality and who expect to influence each other in the future

Family Narratives

Reinforced shared goals

Teach moral values

Stress family concerns

Reflect how members relate to one another

Reflect how to operate in the world

Communication Rituals and Rules

Family rituals center on celebrations or everyday life

Families and stepfamilies have many rules governing communication among members and with outsiders

Stepchildren avoid more topics with stepparents than parents

Conversation Orientation

Degree to which families favor an open climate of discussion of a wide variety of topics

High Conversation Orientation

Interact freely, frequently, and spontaneously

Low Conversation Orientation

interact less; less exchange of private thoughts

Conformity Orientation

Degree to which family communication stresses uniformity of attitudes, values, and beliefs