interpersonal realtionships

why study close realtionships

the best predictor of overall life satisfactions (close realtionships and family life)

the single consistent predictor of well being in 42 countries

happiest 10% have one thing in common = good realtionships

realtionships and well-being

the more time ppl spend with other ppl the better the well-being

acessed 50,000 ppl - predicted well being over and above amount of social interaction

diversity of ppl u are spending time with effects overall well bieng

relationships and health

risk of getting a cold

• contaimined ppl with a cold and tested who actually became systamatic

• if they had a interpersonal stressor more likely to get a cold

the science of close realtionships

1. formulating hyptothesis

2. testing hypothesis

3. interpretaing results

4. communicating results

social psychology

social thinking - we construct our social reality

• lower self esteem individuals underpericeve acceptance realtive to - outside obseverss, High self esteem ppl, their own obsertavtions even when they feel safe

• experiment with students filming a video about themselve to talk to another

social influences

• shapes our behvaiour , thoughts and feelings , whom we find attrative , temporal and cultural influences

social relations

• proximety seeking

• mimicry

• smiling

• licking lips

• touching clothing on hair

• prolonged eye contact

• looking away and then back again

cultural ideals, norms and values concerning romantic realtionships

scripts we have about realtionships - context based rules, norms, and contingenceies that help us predict outcomes

what pressures do ppl experience about realtionships and realtionship behaviour

ex/ romance on a pedestal

cultural differences

embarseed to date men

goals to why we date

how much should we communicate

life script theory

there is a sequence of events that are supposed to occur durring a certain time frame

heteronormativity

belief that there are two seperate opposing genders with associated natural roles that match their asssigned sex and that heterosexuality is a given

ideology of marriage and family

everyone wants to marry

sexual partnership = important peer relationship and parent child relationships are the most important intergenerational realtionship

ppl who have sexual partnerships and kids are better off

proximity

270 MIT students assigned to apartments - asked to name 3 closest friends within the complex

65% of friends mentioned were from same building

accentuator

• if person is disagreeable , proximity hurts

• if person is NOT disagreeable, promity helps

the role of familarity

mere exposure effect

physcial attractiveness

moms and babies

• good looking baby= more affectionate and playful

• less attractive baby = focus on other ppl/things

preschooler

• attractive = more popular

adulthood

• women : number of dates

• men : number and length of interactions with women

physical attractivness impact

the computer dance study

• measured college students intellignece, social skills, perosnaility and attractivness

  • paired them randomly ad dates for a dance

  • measurfed attraction to date at end of dance

  • how did attractiveness compare to other traits

physical attractivness why?

genetic fitness - signals health , symmetry

socio-cultural influences - white supremacy

heteronormativity - men should be large women should be small

stereotypes - attractive ppl seen to be more senstive , kind, intresting, strong, poised

• strong evidence for better interpersonal skills of beautiful ppl

• stereotype effect holds across cultures but changes in content of stereotype

  • confidence vs hummility ( korea)

beauty and matching

the matching hypothesis - white - matching in attractivness predicts courtship progress over nine months

why? - mismatch causes pressure in the realtionship

• sense of entilement

• sense of owing for over benefited

• poaching

limits of matching

167 married or dating couples

• joint assement of attractivness

• seperate assessment of attractivness

• assortative mating correlation- correlation between rating of M and rating of W

• two groups friends or not before dating

• not friends before dating = better looking overall

gender/sex differences in basis for attraction

heteronormative : scripts/roles for presumbly straight men and women

personal ad study of men and women

• 400 personal ads

• women

  • mention their own attractivness

  • seek professional status

• men

  • mention their own professional status

  • seek attractivness

beauty for status trade

evolutionairy pressures - men and women different needs for reproductive sucess ( mating vs Parenting )

Evolutionary pressures may benefit “genes,” but
they don’t benefit relationships:
• Macho men have less happy relationships
• Relationships less happy and less stable with traditional
gender/sex-roles

cultural norms - men control most resources

• women forced to barter to share in resources

• women dont prior resources when they have free and fair access to work

Most people prefer partners who are
psychologically androgynous

men and women are more similar than different

oth rank kindness and intelligence over looks or money
• Top “10” lists almost identical:
- Both seek closeness
- Both happier & healthier in close relationships
- Both cite close relationships as most important to
life satisfaction
- Both suffer when lonely, rejected, grieving
- ^ all genders likely to express these desires

gender roles

• How men and women are expected to act, speak, dress and groom, and behave 

• Also the jobs and roles we play in society and in close relationships 

  • e.g., caregiver vs provider, nurse vs doctor 

  • Roles become more “domestic” when a woman fills them 

• Complimentary 

• Mutually reinforcing 

  • “Performing” your role helps to construct your gender identity 

  • Roles that men and women play in society inform gender stereotypes

gender trouble makers

• Queer, trans, gender non-conforming

• Behavior that violated scripts 

• This behavior can feel freeing and liberating 

• People that benefit from traditional gender roles want to get rid of gender trouble makers because it poses a threat to their success and power

Gender scripts (aka heterosexual scripts)

• Social conventions that allow people to make sense of romantic relationships between men and women by organizing sequences of behavior into coherent stories 

• Facilitate smooth social interactions 

  • Reduce uncertainty 

  • Increase liking 

• Aid episodic memory 

Engagement script 

• Man gets down on one knew 

• He has a(n) (expensive) ring (proposal are 8x more likely to be rejected without a ring)

• Specifically says “will you marry me?”

Secondary aspects 

• Proposer asks father’s permission 

• Is a total surprise 

First date scripts are traditionally heteronormative:

• Men are assigned active and dominant behaviors (e,g., asking for the date)

• Women are prescribed reactive behaviors (e.g., waiting to be asked)

Gender roles are changing globally 

• Women have higher participation in education, healthcare, and politics than ever before 

• Personal attitudes are becoming more positive about women and more egalitarian 

• Are these changes reflected in dating scripts for men and women?

  • More flexibility today on who performs which role (2000 vs 2015)

  • Less believe than men NEED to perform a specific role

Main types on similarity 

• Demographics 

  • Age, Ethnicity, Culture, Religion, Race, Education, IQ

  • When couples have been together for a while they start to look alike 

• Personality 

• Values & attitudes 

  • Politics, social values, values around what is important to achieve in life 

why similairty

1. Reassuring, validating 

2. Convergence of goals, desires, needs 

• Aids in conflict avoidance 

• Easier to be honest 

3. Ease of interaction 

4. Familiarity = comfort, security 

• Reassuring to know that someone understands you 

5. Approval from others (family)

6. Anticipate greater acceptance 

Why is reciprocity so attractive?

• We tend to like people more when we believe that they like us 

• The need to belong 

  • Thinking that a person will allow us to fulfil our need makes them more attractive to us  

  • We feel rewarded when this need is met 

• The pain of rejection 

  • We experience pain when we don't meet our need to belong 

  • Loneliness can cause social pain which we want to avoid 

  • If we know someone likes us we can avoid the social pain of being rejected