Next to Normal

What are you doing up? It's three-thirty.

It's the seventh night this week I've sat til morning.

Great. Here we go.

Imagining the ways you might have died.

Ah, yes, and tonight's winner is?

In a freak September ice storm with no warning.

Because that happens.

There's a gang war, there's a bird flu, trains collide.

What'd we say about watching the news?

Now you act all sweet and surly, but you swore you'd come home early and you lied.

You gotta let go, Mom- I'm almost eighteen.

Are you snorting coke?

Not at the moment. Who's up at this hour?

Your father. Go. Up the back way.

Why does he hate me?

Because you're a loser.

You can't call me a loser. Everything okay? I heard voices.

Just me. Talking to myself, you know. Now you head on upstairs. I'll be up to bed in a minute.

You'll...uh...are you sure you're okay?

Go.

They're the perfect loving family, so adoring...

And I love them every day of every week.

So my son's a little brat, my husband's boring,

And my daughter, though a genius, is a freak.

Still I help them love each other

Father, mother, sister, brother,

Cheek to cheek!

Natalie? It's four in the morning- is everything okay?

Everything's great. Why wouldn't it be great? It's great. I've just got three more chapters of calculus, a physics problem set, a history quiz and two pages on floral imagery in Flowers for Algernon which is like duh. Everything's so under control it's just like...calm.

Honey, you need to slow down, take some time for yourself. I'm going to bed with your father.

That was great, wasn't it? It was great. Oh Christ, I'm late.

That'll teach you to take a whole ten minutes.

Sorry, what?

I said, isn't it a beautiful day?

Okay. Sure. I mean, it's cloudy, and raining, and really cold for September, but beautiful.

Makes you want to dive in with both feet, doesn't it?

Bum, bum, bum...

You're going to be late, and you've got a huge day.

You have no idea what I do all day.

Jazz band before school, class, Key Club, then football.

Not bad.

Now get out of here.

It only hurts when he goes.

Natalie: So I got the date for my winter recital- do you think you guys can come?

We'll put it on the calendar.

Natalie: Mom, the calendar is still on April of last year.

Oh. Well, happy Easter!

Dan: Hon, can you do the shopping today? I'm slammed at work, and we're out of everything.

I keep cave clean. You go out, get fire!

End of "Just Another Day"

A busy, busy day.

I will hold it all together.

I will hide the mess away.

And I'll survive

Another day

And I will pray

To hold on just this way

And for my family's sake-

I'll take what I can take-

I'm only just awake...

Every day is just another

And another

And another

I will hold it all together

We're the perfect loving family

If they say we're not, then screw them

The perfect loving family

I will keep the plates all spinning

And the world just keeps on spinning

and I think the house is spinning.

Gabe: Mom?

Everything's fine! I'm just making sandwiches. On the floor. You go on ahead. You'll miss the bus.

Dan: Go. Sweetie? Everything okay?

I wanted to get ahead on lunches.

Dan: Sure. Let me help you up.

I guess I got carried away.

First verse of Psychopharmacologist

My psychopharmacologist and I...

It's like an odd romance.

Intense and very intimate,

We do our dance.

My psychopharmacologist and I...

Call it a lover's game.

He knows my deepest secrets-

I know his...name.

And though he'll never hold me

He'll always take my calls.

It's truly like he told me:

Without a little lift,

The ballerina falls.

Dr. Fine:

Goodman, Diana. Bipolar depressive with delusional episodes. Sixteen-year history of medication. Adjustment after one week.

I've got less anxiety, but I have headaches, blurry vision, and I can't feel my toes.

Dr. Fine:

So we'll try again, and eventually we'll get it right.

Not a very exact science, is it?

Voices:

Zoloft and paxil and buspar and xanax

Depakote, klonopin, ambien, prozac

Ativan calms me when I see the bills

These are a few of my favorite pills.

Oh, thank you, Doctor. Valium is my favorite color. How'd you know?

Dr. Fine:

Goodman, Diana. Second adjustment after three weeks. Delusions less frequent but depressive state worse.

I'm nauseous and I'm constipated. Completely lost my appetite and gained six pounds. Which, you know, is just not fair.

Dr. Fine:

Goodman, Diana. Third adjustment after five weeks. Reports continued mild anxiety and some lingering depression.

I now can't feel my fingers or my toes. I sweat profusely for no reason.

Natalie:

Mozart wrote poems about farts.

Fortunately, I have absolutely no desire for sex. Although whether that's the medicine or the marriage is anybody's guess.

Dr. Fine:

I'm sure it's the medicine.

Oh, thank you, that's very sweet. But my husband's waiting in the car.

Dan:

Who's crazy?

The one who's half-gone?

Or maybe

The one who holds on?

Remembering when she is twenty, and brilliant, and bold,

And I was so young and so dumb, and now I am old.

And though he'll never hold me,

He'll always take my calls.

It's truly like he told me-

The ballerina falls.

My psychopharmacologist and I,

Together side by side

Without him

I'd die

My psychopharmacologist and I.

Dr. Fine:

Goodman, Diana. Seven weeks.

I don't feel like myself. I mean, I don't feel anything.

Gabe:

Are you spying on your own daughter?

When did she get a boyfriend? How did I miss this?

Gabe:

Well...you kinda miss a lot.

Do you think they're in love?

Dan:

Marry me.

What?

Dan:

Marry me. Let's have a family. I know, we're too young, but we're not, I'm almost twenty-two, and how do you know this isn't a sign saying we belong together.

How do you know it's not a sign saying get new rubbers?

Dan:

Because I know it's not. I love you, and this baby-

Dan. This is crazy.

"I Miss the Mountains"

There was a time when I flew higher,

Was a time the wild girl running free

Would be me.

Now I see her feel the fire,

Now I know she needs me there to share-

I'm nowhere.

All these blank and tranquil years-

Seems they've dried up all my tears.

And while she runs free and fast,

Seems my wild days are past.

But I miss the mountains.

I miss the dizzy heights.

All the manic, magic days,

And the dark, depressing nights.

I miss the mountains,

I miss the highs and lows,

All the climbing, all the falling,

All the while the wild wind blows,

Stinging you with snow

And soaking you with rain-

I miss the mountains,

I miss the pain.

Mountains make you crazy-

Here it's safe and sound.

My mind is somewhere hazy-

My feet are on the ground.

Everything is balanced here

And on an even keel.

Everything is perfect-

Nothing's real

Nothing's real.

And I miss the mountains

I...I miss the lonely climb.

Wandering through the wilderness

And spending all my time

Where the air is clear

And cuts you like a knife

I miss the mountains

I miss the mountains

I miss my life.

I miss my life.

Gabe:

You sure about this, Mom?

You think it's a bad idea.

Gabe:

I think it's a great idea. I think you're brave.

What will your father think?

Voices:

Ring! A-ling!

Ring! A-ling!

Hello? Oh, hi! Everything's great here, sweetie. Fantastic. I disinfected the entire house, rewired the computer, and did some decoupage. Okay. Buh-bye. Hmm. Next. I think I'll retile the roof!

Music for "It's Gonna Be Good" Ends

Okay... It's someone's birthday!

Natalie:

I don't. He died before I was born.

What? What is it?

Dan:

What about the new meds?

We have the happiest septic tank on the block.

Dan:

You- Jesus, Di. They were working.

They weren't, really.

Dan:

We'll get a new round, we'll call Doctor Fine-

No.

Dan:

Diana, look, I know this is hard.

You know. Really? What, exactly, do you know?

Dan:

I Know you're hurting. I am, too.

Do you wake up in the morning

And need help to lift your head?

Do you read obituaries

And feel jealous of the dead?

It's like living on a cliffside

Not knowing when you'll dive

Do you know

Do you know what it's like to die alive?

When a world that once had color

Fades to white and grey and black

When tomorrow terrifies you

But you'll die if you look back.

You don't know.

I know you don't know.

You say that you're hurting-

It sure doesn't show.

You don't know.

It lays me so low

When you say let go

And I say

You don't know

The sensation that you're screaming

But you never make a sound,

Or the feeling that you're falling

But you never hit the ground-

It just keeps on rushing at you

Day by day by day by day

You don't know

You don't know what it's like to live that way.

Like a refugee, a fugitive

Forever on the run

If it gets me, it will kill me

But I don't know what I've done.

"I Am the One"

Dan:

Cause I'm holding on

Diana:

You say you hurt like me

You say that you know. Oh.

You don't know.

I know you don't know

You say that you're hurting,

I know it ain't so.

You don't know.

Why don't you just go?

Cause it lays me low

When I say

You don't know.

You don't know.

Natalie:

Superboy and the invisible girl

He's the one you wish would appear.

He's your hero, forever your son

He's not here.

I am here.

You

Know that's not true.

You're our little pride and joy, our perfect plan.

You

Know I love you

I love you as much as I can.

Dan:

Let's not get discouraged. We'll find a doctor who'll treat you without the drugs. There's someone out there for you- in the depression chat rooms, they say it's like dating, you have to keep going until you find the right match.

They have depression chat rooms?

Dan:

And this doctor's supposed to be fantastic. A real rock star. Three different women at work gave me his name.

Three women at work know I'm nuts?

Dr. Madden:

Diana? This way, please.

Yeah.

Diana:

What did you just say?

Dr. Madden:

I said welcome. Have a seat. It's nice to meet you.

Let's get it on now, baby.

Excuse me, what?

Dr. Madden:

I said, let's get started. Are you...nervous, Diana?

I am, a little. A bit out of breath. Tingly, actually. Now you go.

Dr. Madden:

Well, let's start by getting to know each other a bit. Psychotherapy and medication work best in tandem, but we can try the first alone, and see how far we get. Why don't you tell me-

Bay-bee. What's your history?

Where'd you go and who'd you see? Yeah.

Um. My history?

Well, I was diagnosed bipolar, um, wow, sixteen years ago? But it turned out bipolar didn't totally cover it.

Dr. Madden:

Often the best we can do is put names on collections of symptoms. It's possible bipolar has more in common with schizophrenia than depression.

When I was young, my mother called me "high-spirited." She would know. She was so high-spirited they banned her from the PTA.

Dr. Madden:

Sometimes there's a predisposition to illness, but actual onset is triggered by some traumatic event.

I never know what to say when I have to go over all this. It starts to sound like some story I tell that's about some other person entirely.

Dr. Madden:

Why don't you tell me about the last time you truly felt happy.

Were you happy when you got married?

I thought I was.

Dr. Madden:

There's a difference between being happy and just thinking you're happy?

Most people who think they're happy just haven't thought about it enough. Most people who think they're happy are actually just stupid.

Dr. Madden:

I see. Were you happy when your son was born?

My son?

Dr. Madden:

Tell me about him.

About my son.

Dr. Madden:

It's been four weeks, and I'd like to try something new today. Sometimes, when these stories are hard to tell, hypnosis can be helpful.

Oh, I don't think I could be hypnotized. I mean, it's fine. I'm just not the type.

Dr. Madden:

Walk with me.

Walk with me.

Okay. Walking.

Dr. Madden:

Go all the way down, down a long flight of stairs.

Stairs!

Dr. Madden:

Go step by step into the darkness down there.

Should we turn on a light? You know, with the stairs?

Dr. Madden:

Can you hear me, Diana?

Yes.

Dr. Madden:

Are you nervous?

No.

Dan:

Di, you come home from these sessions in tears. Is this helping, or...? Di? Di?

We were both undergrads. Architecture. The baby wasn't planned. Neither was the marriage. I had always expected to be too busy. But when the baby came it all seemed to make sense. Until... Until...

Dr. Madden:

that talking through your history

Gabe:

Faster than anyone should.

Catch me I'm falling.

Please hear me calling.

Catch me I'm falling for good.

Natalie:

Will they?

We had Natalie too. And I know she knows. I couldn't hold her, in the hospital?

Natalie:

Where the hell are they?

I couldn't let myself hold her.

Dr. Madden:

Wouldn't you like to be free from all that? Finally? Wouldn't you like to go home, clear out his room. Maybe spend some time with your daughter? And let your son go, at last?

Yes. Yes, I would.

"I Dreamed a Dance"

I saw you light the ballroom

With your sparkling eyes of blue.

Graceful as an angel's wing,

I dreamed a dance with you.

You whispered slyly, softly.

You told me you would be true.

We spun around a thousand stars

I dreamed a dance with you.

I know the night is dying dear

I know the day will dawn

The dancers may disappear

Still the dance goes on

Gabe:

And on

Diana:

I'll wake alone tomorrow,

The dream of our dances through.

But now until forever love

I'll live to dance with you.

I'll dream my love

I'll live my love

And I'll die to dance with

Dr. Madden:

Patients have said it's like becoming a new person.

Natalie:

It's bull. She trusts you.

Dan:

Natalie!

Diana:

Didn't I see this movie,

With McMurphy and the nurse?

That hospital was heavy

But this cuckoo's nest is worse.

And isn't this the one where

In the end the good guys fry?

Didn't I see this movie

And didn't I cry?

Didn't I cry?

Dr. Madden:

The modern procedure's clean and simple. Hundreds of thousands of patients receive it every year.

Diana:

What makes you think I'd lose my mind for you?

I'm no sociopath.

I'm no Sylvia Plath.

I ain't no Frances Farmer kind of find for you

So stay out of my brain

I'm no princess of pain.

Didn't I see this movie

Where the doctor looked like you?

Where the patient got impatient

And said, "Sorry, doc, I'm through.

I know where this is going,

And I know what you're about

Cause I have been this movie

And I walked out."

I walked out.

I'm walking.

"A Light in the Dark"

Dan:

One light shines in the drive

One single sign that our house is alive.

Our house, our own

So why do I live there alone?

Tell me why I wait through the night,

And why do I leave on the light?

You know. I know.

Our house was a home long ago.

Take this chance,

Cause it may be our last

To be free,

To let go of the past,

And to try,

To be husband and wife

To let love never die

Or to just live our life.

Take my hand,

And let me take your heart,

Keep it far

From what keeps us apart

Let us start

With a light in the dark.

Diana:

I stare at these walls.

I get lost in these halls.

It's like nothing I've known.

I can't get through this alone.

"Wish I Were Here"

Diana:

In an instant, lightening flashes

And the burst might leave me blind

When the bolt of lightening crashes

And it burns right through my mind.

It's like someone drained my brain out,

Set my frozen mind to thaw.

Let the lethargy and pain out

While I stood and watched, in awe.

I am riding on the brightest buzz

I am worlds away from who I was

And they told me it would change me

Thought they don't know how it does.

I have lived a life of clouds and grey,

But this is crystal clear

Wish I were here.

I imagine it's remarkable.

Exuberant. Austere.

Wish I were here.

Wish I were here.

Natalie:

It's euphoria, it's anger.

It's the winter wind, it's fire.

And it kills my deepest hunger

As it fills me with desire.

Natalie and Diana:

I'm the light and heat of every sun

I'm a bullet from a magic gun

And I'm trying to enjoy it

But I'm missing all the fun.

Am I feeling what I think I'm feeling?

The hope, the heat, the fear?

Wish I were here.

Is this someone else's head trip?

Do I just disappear?

Wish I were here.

Wish I were here.

Natalie and Diana:

And flip the switch

I'm good as gone.

It slips my skin

And trips my brain

I feel the burn

But I don't feel the pain.

Is my brain reborn or is it wrecked?

In freedom or in fear?

Wish I were here.

Have I blown my mind forever?

Is cloudy my new clear?

Wish I were here.

Wish I were here.

Wish I were.

"Song of Forgetting"

Dan:

This house and all these rooms?

Last Christmas or last year?

Out back the dogwood blooms

Diana:

Do I really live here?

Dan:

The paint, the walls

All this glass and wood

You don't recall?

Diana:

How I wish I could.

Dan:

Our house on Walton Way

The house with the red door?

Our trip to St. Tropez

The whole week a downpour?

Natalie:

My first few steps

And my first lost tooth

What, nothing yet?

Diana:

To tell the truth.

Dan:

Sing a song of forgetting

A song of the way things were not.

Sing of what's lost to you,

Of times that you never knew.

Sing of not remembering when,

Of memories that go unremembered, and then

Sing a song of forgetting again

That day our child was born

Our baby girl's first cry?

That grey and drizzly morn

I've never felt so high.

Diana:

The day we met

And we shared two beers

Dan:

Then?

Diana:

I forget.

Dan:

But that's nineteen years.

Diana:

That Doctor Mitchell said there might be some memory loss.

Dan:

Doctor Madden.

Diana:

Well, see, there you go.

Natalie:

What a lovely cure

It's a medical miracle.

With a mind so pure

That she doesn't know anything.

Dan:

It's there I'm sure

Cause memories don't die.

Natalie:

Why?

Dan:

They don't die.

Natalie:

They die.

Diana:

I'll try.

Dan, Natalie, and Diana:

Sing a song of forgetting.

A song of the way things were not.

Sing of what's lost to you,

Of times that you never knew.

Sing of not remembering when

Of memories that go unremembered, and then

Sing a song of forgetting again.

Natalie and Diana:

I'm the light and heat of every sun

I'm a bullet from a magic gun

And I'm trying to enjoy it

But I'm missing all the fun.

Am I feeling what I think I'm feeling?

The hope, the heat, the fear?

Wish I were here.

Is this someone else's head trip?

Do I just disappear?

Wish I were here.

Wish I were here.

Sweetheart! What are you doing in my electricity?

Natalie:

It's always about you, isn't it? I'm Robotripping. I can't feel my legs.

I don't want you doing drugs.

Natalie:

That's persuasive, coming from the Pfizer Woman of the Year. You're the one who's hallucinating.

It's my treatment. It's a miracle. Everything is different now.

Henry:

Natalie! Natalie: Damn.

This is like the fifth night in a row I've had to come find you at some random club.

Dan:

Diana?

Dan.

Dan:

Your two weeks are up- time to go home!

Home? But

Natalie:

Hey. Wow. Uh. You look...great.

Oh, well, thank you. And who are you?

Natalie:

Who am I?

Dan:

Diana. This is Natalie.

Natalie:

Your daughter?

Oh. Of course. And this is our house?

Dan:

Diana, don't you...you don't remember...any of this?

I should, right?

Dr. Madden:

Diana.

Are things becoming clearer with the treatment?

Well, yes.

Dr. Madden:

Is life less cloudy than it was before.

Yes.

Dr. Madden:

Do you still feel your head is filled with concrete?

No.

And you're not a scary rock star anymore.

Dan:

So let's start with something small,

Something personal and pretty

I bet you'll know these shiny things.

They must be tacky trinkets from, I guess, Atlantic City?

Dan:

Here's the first house that we owned,

On Walton Way, we loved that place.

Then we built this one on land that we both chose.

And here's a pic of all of us with smiles on every face.

And the photoshopping hardly even shows.

We're standing by a lake with all these ducks.

And who's this little chubby girl?

Natalie:

Here's the headline in the paper

When you freaked out at the market.

Here's the house on Walton Way after the fire.

Here's the damage to the Honda

When you showed me how to park it.

Did we crush somebody's cat beneath the tire?

Natalie:

Yes. Ours.

Here's dad at my recital

And we're wondering where you are.

I remember this I made it to the school.

Dan:

Wait, you remember?

Diana:

It was the year of too much Lithium

I hid out in the car.

And your swim meet just last year

I'm in the pool.

Dan:

You're getting it! You've got it, Di! Hooray!

Diana:

Your life has kind of sucked, I think.

Natalie:

You got it! Yay! Hooray!

Dan:

Hooray!

Diana:

Hooray!

Gonna get back what I lost there.

Gonna find out who I was.

Gonna open up the gates and let it pour.

Dan:

And if memory makes things better,

Well, memory always does.

Gonna get us back to better than before.

Dan and Diana:

Make everything much better than before.

Natalie:

Won't anything be better than before?

Dan and Diana:

Better than before.

Diana:

I guess it must be

Dan, Diana, and Natalie:

Better than before

Better than before.

Dan:

Diana? Honey? You've been at this for days.

There's something missing, Dan. It's like it's tugging at me. I can almost see it.

Henry:

Oh. Sorry, Miz Goodman, I just needed to talk to Natalie about some homework.

I know it's late. She's not answering her...is everything all right?

Henry.

Henry:

Yes?

You remind me of someone. How old are you?

Henry:

Seventeen. Why?

I don't know. Natalie's in her room.

Gabe:

But with nothing to remember, is there nothing left to grieve?

With nothing to remember.