Relationship Science Exam

Commitment

• The intention to persist with a relationship

• Could be positive or negative depending on the context

• The best psychological predictor of whether a relationship will ultimately last

• More of a choice compared to other aspects in relationships

Why do we have commitment?

• evolutionary perspectives

• investment model

• marginalization

• attachment

Why do we have commitment? → evolutionary perspective

we have an evolutionary based cognitive bias towards maintaining existing partnerships (even in the face of attractive alternatives)

study: art auction and commitment

• They ran a study that simulated a fake art auction and each participant was supposed to make as much money as possible

• There was always one buyer in the auction who would always bid the highest amount

  • Thus, people established a relationship with this buyer

• Then, another buyer offered a higher bid

• People preferred to sell to the person they had established a relationship with, even when there was profitable alternative outcomes

Why do we have commitment? → investment model

• proposes that commitment has three components:

  • satisfaction

  • investment

  • quality of alternatives

according to the investment model of commitment, which three components = the most commitment?

More satisfaction, more investments, and less alternatives

study: relationship satisfaction and social media

• Those who posted more dyadic profile pictures of Facebook felt more satisfied in their relationship and closer to their partner

• And, after a daily diary study, on days when people felt more satisfied in their relationship, they were more likely to share relationship relevant information on Facebook

• In addition, people (outsiders) could assert relationship satisfaction and commitment from photos

Why do people commit to abusive relationships even though satisfaction is gone?

• investments

• Women who returned to their partners reported more commitment, investment, and lower quality alternatives

• Young adults who intended to stay with violent partners had higher investments

• Sexually coerced women reported more investments than noncoerced women

Why do we have commitment? → marginalization

• People in marginalized relationships commit more than people in non-marginalized relationships

• However, prejudice can also hold people back in their relationships

  • Ex: buying a home together (a big commitment) may make same-sex couples more apparent

Why do we have commitment? → attachment style

• avoidant attachment = more attentive to alternatives; less committed; less invested

• anxious attachment = strongly value commitment but are actually less committed

• secure attachment = have partners who are more commitment; can easily maintain commitment and recall instances of partner commitment

Three components of commitment theory

• Suggests there's only one type of commitment comprised of various types components:

  • (1) personal commitment

  • (2) constraint commitment

  • (3) moral commitment

Three components of commitment theory → (1) personal commitment

• people’s want to commit

• most common + desired by partners

Three components of commitment theory → (2) constraint commitment

• commitment based on feelings that you have to continue a relationship

• it may be too costly to leave

Three components of commitment theory → (3) moral commitment

• feeling like you “ought” to continue

• better at indicating who stays together in a long distance relationship

How can commitment help explain problems with cohabitation before marriage?

• Cohabitating before marriage is associated with negative outcomes, but only for those who are not engaged before moving in together

  • This effect is seen when controlled for many factors

• This is largely similar for same-sex couples

when is cohabitating before marriage risky?

when individuals are not engaged and they move in together

for cohabitating individuals who are not married, why does living together have negative effects?

• it can lead to:

  • relationship inertia

  • constraint commitment

relationship inertia

when cohabitating leads to sliding into marriage

constraint commitment

• when cohabitating individuals live together for the wrong reasons and it might be hard to leave

• i.e, they may be living together for convenience or for a test of their relationship

process of commitment

• commitment can lead to:

  • behavioural maintenance → accommodation, sacrifices, forgiveness

  • cognitive maintenance → positive illusions + derogating alternatives

• as a result, relationship well-being increases

consequences of commitment → perception of alternatives

• Commitment leads to underestimating the number of alternatives

• More committed people pay less attention to alternatives

• Eye tracking studies show committed individuals are less vigilant to attractive alternatives

commitment calibration hypothesis

• posits that we have two cognitive tools that help us stay committed:

  • 1. derogation of potentially threatening alternatives

    • More derogation of attractive and available others

    • Highly committed people derogate strong threats but not moderate threats

  • 2. augmentation of our partners attractiveness

    • After a relationship threat, more commitment led to rating a partner as more physically attractive, intelligent, warm, and funny

how do we typically communicate commitment?

• saying i love you

• having relationship talks

who says “i love you” first?

• one study found that people assume women will say it first, but also recall from personal relationship experiences that men said it first

• on avg, men think about saying I love you 6 weeks into a relationship

• men are happier hearing i love you before sex

• women are happier hearing i love you after sex

study: cold feet

• marital doubts are more common in women, and research has found women with more doubts where 2.5x more likely to be divorced in 4 years

• however, marital doubts had no impact on divorce rates for men

  • this is a significant gender difference

• conclusion: cold feet may signify a precursor to marital distress for women

why is cold feet a precursor to divorce for women, but not for men?

• Women may be more attuned to relationship problems

• Evolutionary perspective = error management; women need to be cautious to avoid significant cost of poor quality partner

• Men who have doubts may be less likely to act on them

is love universal?

• the experience of love is universal; present in 89% of cultures

• love may have an evolutionary basis → we focus on one partner to conserve time and use it for more important things

• expressions and norms of love differ cross culturally

examples of cross cultural differences in love

• white day in japan

• non-monogamy has less stigma in France

• in a culture in Papua New Guinea, people cannot eat in front of their dates

• love songs from China depicted love as more embedded, and conveyed more suffering and pain than US love songs

where are verbal expressions of “I love you” more common?

• more common in western countries

• newcomers to the US say it more the longer they've been in the country

  • and, these people are more likely to say it in english over their native language

where are non-verbal expressions of “I love you” more common?

in collectivistic cultures

what are the differences between loving our friends and loving our partners?

• Friendships tend to be less intense in the feelings/emotions people have, they are easier to dissolve, and people spend less of their free time together

• Romantic relationships have greater fascination, sexual desire, exclusivity, and  more stringent rules for each other

what are the similarities between loving our friends and loving our partners?

• Warm evaluations of partner

• Respect

• Trust

• Capitalization

• Social support

• Responsiveness

sternberg’s love triangle

• depicts love along three points:

  

  • intimacy → the emotional aspect

  • commitment → the cognitive aspect

  • passion → the motivational aspect

  which can produce 8 types of love

what are the 8 types of love produced by sternberg’s love triangle?

• nonlove

• liking

• infatuation

• empty love

• fatuous love

• romantic love

• companionate love

• consumate love

sternberg’s love triangle → nonlove

• NO passion

• NO intimacy

• NO commitment

sternberg’s love triangle → liking

• NO passion

• Intimacy

• NO commitment

sternberg’s love triangle → infatuation

• Passion

• NO intimacy

• NO commitment

sternberg’s love triangle → empty love

• NO passion

• NO intimacy

• commitment

sternberg’s love triangle → fatuous love

• passion

• NO intimacy

• commitment

sternberg’s love triangle → romantic love

• passion

• intimacy

• no commitment

sternberg’s love triangle → companionate love

• NO passion

• intimacy

• commitment

sternberg’s love triangle → consumate love

• intimacy

• passion

• commitment

• this is the type of love people strive for

love languages

• the argument → there are five key love languages (words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, & physical touch) and each person must communicate love to your partner in their language

• not backed by research

• created by a pastor who worked with couples so it was developed in a christian heterosexual framework

• overall, can be used as a tool to start conversations and can be integrated in relationships appropriately

what are the problems with tests that “determine” your love language?

• they often involve forced choice (people might like both things!)

• when researchers tried to make a more psychometrically sound test, people liked all types of love almost equally

• couples who where matched in love languages had = relationship satisfaction to couples who where mismatched

are there gender differences in love expressions?

• Researchers followed couples for weeks and examined how they expressed love in everyday life

• They found that men and women are equally likely to show love through affectionate behaviours

• On days when men felt more loved, they showed love by initiating sex, sharing leisurely activities, and doing household work together

in the modern (scientific) conceptualization of love, what are the three systems involved in romantic love?

• the sexual system

• the attachment system

• the caregiving system

• all three systems are needed for romantic love

the sexual system

• one of the three components of the modern conceptualization of love

• involves sexual attraction to someone and having sexual desire

• what distinguishes romantic love from friendships

the attachment system

• one of the three components of the modern conceptualization of love

• viewing your partner as a safe haven and a secure base

the caregiving system

• one of the three components of the modern conceptualization of love

• understanding your role as someone’s safe haven and secure base

unrequited love

• romantic or passionate love for someone that is not reciprocated

• a fairly common experience for adolescents and young adults

in unrequited love, who has it worse (the rejector, or would be lover)?

• Research suggests that the experience of unrequited love can be more distressing for the person rejecting the lover

• This process is often associated with distress and guilt

• The pursuer may be bordering obsessive

Why does unrequited love happen?

• The pursuer assumes that the relationship is worth waiting for

• They overestimate how liked they are

• Experience may provide many of the rewards of falling in love

the biology of love

• Falling in love is associated with neurochemical changes that are similar to "obsession"

• And, it activates reward systems (the dopaminergic system)

study: lovesickness and obsession

• Participants = newly falling in love couples, unmedicated OCD patients, and controls

• Measured serotonin density in blood platelets

• The lovers matched OCD patients more than controls

• Implication: falling in love is an "obsessive" experience

study: passion and reward fMRI study

• Participants = 10 women and 7 women who were newly, intensely in love; the avg. relationship length was 7 months

• Compared to controlled images, viewing images in their loves ones was associated with:

  • Activation in the VTA

    • Specifically, in the right VTA - associated with wanting rather than liking

  • They saw greater activation for those who reported higher levels of romantic love (using the passionate love scale)

your brain on love ____?

Love = obsession & rewarding/addiction

study: lasting love

• Looked at data from a nationwide survey on love in long-term couples

• They found a high proportion of participants reported being intensely in love with their spouses

• Intense love was associated with → physical affection, quality time, novel activities, sex, general happiness

The Michelangelo phenomenon

• our partner has an idea of who their "ideal self" is and it's our job as their partner to help them become that person

• we can sculpt our partners through:

  • perceptual affirmation: our partner perceiving us in ways that our consistent with our ideal selves

  • behavioural affirmation: the elicitation of behaviors that are congruent with one's ideal self

 

relationship “turning points”

• distinct moments in a relationships trajectory that changed the relationship

• ex: a first kiss

relationship trajectories

• an arc or path that plots how romantic relationships change over time

• there is no "one size fits all" trajectory, but we generally see common relationship experiences

• provide a temporal context that help us understand a given romantic evaluation at one moment in time

what are the four typical patterns of increasing commitment for partners moving from dating to marriage?

• accelerated → a steep and steady ascent into interdependence

• accelerated-arrested → starts strong but stalls

• intermediate → progresses less intensely

• prolonged → an extended, lengthy courtship

the RECAST (relationship coordination and strategic timing) model

• posits that:

  • Short-term relationships could be long-term relationships that end prematurely

  • Long-term relationships could be short-term relationships that last

falling in love

• a transitional period where individuals move from a state of "not in love" to a state of "in love"

• is generally an intense experience

  • The emotions and behaviors of people falling in love reveal it to be a stressful experience, consistent with evidence showing that people newly falling in love exhibit higher levels of cortisol

commitment and the social network effect

• globally, people struggle when their family or friends fail to or inconsistently support their relationships

• having a lack of support predicts a lower relationship quality, feelings of security, and worse mental and physical health

• individuals with non-traditional relationships (such as inter-racial couples and same-sex couples) are especially likely to be marginalized

• aligns with the romeo and juliet effect

The Romeo and Juliet effect

the idea that family interference can intensify (not dampen) love and commitment

Common transitions in established relationships

• long-term relationship trajectories are typically speckled with major life-altering decisions and experiences

• many of these are considered positive life events that escalate commitment and interdependence, even if they introduce turbulence

• examples:

  • cohabitation

  • marriage

  • parenthood

  • experiencing new parenthood

Common transitions in established relationships → cohabitation

• Moving in together marks a major relationship transition for most couples

• Escalates commitment and alters the interdependence within a relationship

• In some places, cohabitation is more common than marriage → it is on the rise worldwide

• openness to cohabitation (regardless of marriage intent) may vary systematically by age, race, religion, and political leaning

demographics of cohabitatiors

• very diverse!

• around half of cohabitators live with children (thus, cohabitation is not limited to young adults!)

• cohabitation rates are converging across race and educational attainment

peoples motivations for cohabitation

• May range from the social and emotional, to the practical, to the political (rejecting the institute of marriage)

• The "mere convenience" motivation is cited more frequently by individuals with lower SES than individuals with higher SES

what are the different types of cohabitators?

• serial cohabitation

• cohabitation as a permanent alternative to marriage or single hood

• cohabitators by choice

• cohabitators who play to marry

what are the different types of cohabitators? → serial cohabitation

the practice of sequentially living with dating partners

what are the different types of cohabitators? → cohabitation as a permanent alternative to marriage or singlehood

they are highly committed to their partner yet cannot, or do not want to, marry or live alone

what are the different types of cohabitators? → cohabitators by choice

people choose to cohabitate with no interest in marriage

what are the different types of cohabitators? → cohabitators who plan to marry

• there are two types:

  • Those who view cohabitation as a trial marriage

  • Those who view cohabitation as a prelude to marriage

Common transitions in established relationships → marriage

• Getting married is a major event in a relationships trajectory, whether it occurs after cohabitation or directly

• In American cultures, couples enter into an agreement to marry through an engagement ritual / proposal (typically the man proposes to the woman)

• The desire for marriage in the west is still high

Arranged marriages

• In areas of Asia, Africa, and the Middle East, marriages are predominantly arranged marriages, unions orchestrated by a third party → often parents

• People who enter arranged marriages are not necessarily "forced" to so do, they may enter for varied reasons (economic stability; people may trust their parents judgements)

Common transitions in established relationships → parenthood

• Many parents make the decision to have children with a great deal of self-reflection and careful deliberation

• Having children may be an assumed, culturally approved pathway for many

  • in fact being childfree subjects an individual to social stigma

• There are several pathways to parenthood

• People enter parenthood at different ages

What is the current mean age of first birth in American women? what does this pattern reflect?

• The mean age of first birth for American women is 27

• this number has risen over time and is expected to continue rising as more women are having their child when they are of an advanced maternal age (over 35)

Current sociocultural trends in the transition into parenthood

• Education and SES are contributing to the delayed entry into parenthood

• We are seeing a societal shift in the number of mothers married at the time of their babies birth

• The context in which mothers enter parenthood and become pregnant varies quite alot; individuals may become pregnant through sexual encounters with strangers, or within casual relationships

• People can become single parents by choice

Podcast: men are from mars, women are from venus → background

a famous relationship help book written by John Gray, a complete fraud and grifter

Podcast: men are from mars, women are from venus → how did John Gray gather his information?

All of his research was based on his own personal observations in therapy sessions with clients and his own introspection

Podcast: men are from mars, women are from venus → how does gray describe the differences in communication style between men and women?

• women communicate because they want to feel

• men communicate because they want to deliver information

Podcast: men are from mars, women are from venus → what is the conversation tip Gray offers men?

do not immediately provide a solution to a woman’s problem; instead reply by reflecting their emotions

Podcast: men are from mars, women are from venus → what is Gray’s advice for women?

• women should skip to the end of their stories first

• when looking for support, women should use the words “could” or “can” instead of “would”

Podcast: men are from mars, women are from venus → what is a tactical misunderstanding?

pretending to not know the true meaning of words

Podcast: men are from mars, women are from venus → what are some true situational gender differences in communication?

• women talk more than men situationally

• men don’t see it as their job to initiate conversation

Self-expansion theory

• Passionate love motivates the intense merging of the self and other

• Gradually, we come to include the "other" In our sense of self:

  • We see the world through new POV's

  • We gain access to new resources (knowledge, material, + societal aspects)

  • We also develop a identity, as the partner has become a part of the self

• Self-expansion is highly pleasurable and occurs rapidly in new relationships

self-expansion study

• Single undergrads where asked at the beginning of the semester to describe their self-concept

• The researchers followed up every two weeks

• Falling in love broadened people's descriptions of self-concept → As participants reported falling in love, they used a larger variety of words to describe themselves

when is self expansion very prominent/common?

when people are from small towns with limited exposure to different cultures and perspectives

Inclusion of other in self (IOS) scale

Show participants the image and ask them which diagram best depicts them and their partner

There is a thing as "too much closeness”?

• Being too close for comfort is a threat for personal control and may involve giving up parts of yourself

• Alongside our need for closeness, we also have a need for autonomy

• A mismatch in actual and desired closeness = lower relationship quality

What do cognitive repsentations of the self and close others look like?

• Cognitive representations of the self and other are highly overlapping

• This concept is called confusing the other in self

confusing the other in self

people may start to identify themselves with concepts that align with their partner, and NOT them

study: confusing the self and other

• Presented participants with words that described just themselves, just their partners, or described both

• They where given a me / not me reaction time test

• Results:

  • Reaction times are slower for unshared traits

  • Speed reaction to merged traits predicted relationship maintenance and closeness longitudinally

• If you are so overlapped with your partner, you can mistake your self and your partner over time

Process of self-expansion

1. We start off motivated to include the self in other to gain access to resources (this is generally unconscious)

2. As the relationship forms, each partner makes resources readily available to the other

3. You begin a cognitive reorganization of the self and partner (more overlap)

4. Cognitive overlap = take on partners perspectives and identities

5. You return to step two and strengthen the conscious and unconscious experience of including other's resources in the self

self expansion study 1: self-expansion activities

• Assigned couples to three conditions:

  • Self-expanding condition → the couples had to participate in an obstacle courses + questionnaire

  • Mundane condition → the couples rolled a ball to each other back and forth + questionnaire

  • Control condition → only answered the questionnaire

• Those in the self-expanding condition had higher relationship quality after the task

• Objective observers suggested individuals in the self-expansion condition looked more satisfied

self expansion study 2: daily diary study

• Used the daily diary method - asked: have you done anything novel / new with your partner today?

  • Not ecologically valid

• People experienced boosts in relationship satisfaction when they completed self-expanding activities

• Implication: anything can count as self-expansion, it depends on the couple

self-expansion study 3: inducing self-expansion

• They randomly assigned participants to 1 of 3 conditions:

  • (1) Where given an article featuring a self-expanding activity to implement in their life

  • (2) Where given an article depicting a comfortable activity to implement in their life

  • (3) Control: no information

• Those in the comfort and self-expansion activity groups felt more satisfied in their relationships

• Self-expansion condition showed further benefits

what is required for self-expansion to happen?

self-disclosure

the “fast friends” task

• A set of 36 questions that increases self-disclosure between any two people

• The media labels these questions as a recipe for falling in love

• It speeds up and mimics disclosure that happens naturally

  • Breadth increases more quickly than depth