Interpersonal Communication Exam 3

Loving vs liking

• Love is different than like

They are qualitatively different, distinct things. It's possible to like and not love, and vice versa

We can love and like people

We can love but not like. (ex. Siblings, ex-partners)

We can like but not love. (ex. friends)

Liking

•  based on affection, respect, and enjoyable interaction. They're fun to be around and we like hanging out together

Loving

• based on attachment, intimacy, and a deeper level of caring and passion. They are our safe space and they fill our core needs of inclusion and affection.

Sternberg’s triangle theory of love

• Love is a combination (Triangle) of intimacy, passion, and commitment

Ideally we possess all three!

Intimacy

• The “warm” component

• Foundation of triangle (typically present as a baseline with love)

• Based on emotional attachment (theyre crying and ur upset, theyre happy and ur happy)

• Moderately stable once u form it

Two forms of intimacy include…

• Latent vs manifest intimacy

Latent intimacy

intimacy lying under the surface. Not visible to the eye. Very stable once it develops

Manifest intimacy

• externalization of intimacy. If you feel really close to someone with latent intimacy you might hold hands, sit close to them…

• Manifest intimacy is not stable. we start low, shoots high to a peak (honeymoon phase), and it drops off

  • Once you get really together you don’t feel the need to show the world ur a couple. Everyone already knows!

Passion

• The “hot” component. Based on motivation and cognitive arousal

• This leads people to do crazy things to be with their partner (romeo and juliet)

• Can feel both romantic and platonically (ex. Mom who would jump in front of a car for their son, friend you feel deeply protected of

Passion is stable or unstable?

• Unstable- difficult to sustain passion over time. Its physiologically taxing… brain chemicals…butterflies… cannot/difficult to sustain over time. We get tired!

  • Ex. couple been together for 20 years might not get butterflies anymore

• When it drops, which it will, sometimes people who view passion as they key to love will think they’re not in love anymore

Commitment

• “Cool” component

• Based on cognitive choice

• Linked to positive relational outcomes- people choose to remain close. Commitment allows people to stay together

• Stable once established

  • When commitment declines, it spells doom for the relationship because once someone is not committed its hard to keep relationships going

Lee’s love styles

• This theory is made up of love ideologies, or collections of beliefs, values, and expectations regarding love

  • Different ideologies about what love is and should be

• Lee drew from many places/disciplines to create this

• It's possible to identify with more than one, and to change styles over time especially as they get older

• Has primary styles and secondary styles like a color wheel

• More heuristic value than research value…

Primary Love styles include

Eros

Storge

Ludus

Eros:

romantic/physical love

1. Erotic, head over heels romance!!

2. True, passionate love. High stress on physical chemistry and high in passion. You really want that person, and belief in love at first sight

3. High levels of disclosure, physical chemistry, and passion. Want to know everything about their partner

4. susceptible to waning of passion that happens naturally. Does not survive long distance very well

Storge:

companionate/friendship love

1. This is not talking about “i love you because ur my friend” but romantic love that is companionate 

2. Love is about finding your best friend /companion throughout life. deep seated companionship!

3. Stress on intimacy and commitment, Not as much about passion 

4. Benefits: lot of potential for longterm stability and Can survive long distance very well

5. Downsides: little passion… wheres the passion and romance?

Ludus

Game-playing love

1. Not inherently good or bad, but not really suited for long lasting relationships/good outcomes

2. Love is a game/competition to be won, a pursuit/chase. 

3. Tends to be seen in younger individuals. Can be fun!

4. Sometimes once you get into relationships you stop loving them…

5. Not suited for commitment by definition. Can harm others who are pursuing a longer commitment

6. But its fun!! Not suited for lasting love 

Secondary love styles

Mania

Pragma

Agape

Mania

Mix of Eros and ludus

1. Deep seated passion from eros and well as a gamification

2. Possessive love, You're mine!!!

3. One again, off again relationships, Intense relationships. Love is pain… can’t live without you…

4. Perhaps use caution about this…most potential for violence…possessiveness and control over each other

   1. All mania relationships are at least a little unhealthy, no matter if its light or heavy levels of mania

5. Light level of mania falls deeply in love and maybe goes on and off, heavy mania can be dangerous

Pragma:

Storge and Ludus

1. practical love.

2. Deep seated compatibility and friendship, and the game of finding ur perfect compatible partner

3. Focus on practicality. Do you have the qualities I’m looking for? Gamification of deep companionship

4. Ex. focusing on if we are a practical match and if we would fit together

5. Positives: able to find someone who will deeply work and well suited bond

6. Downsides: where's the passion?

Agape:

Storge and eros

1. Unselfish love

2. Idea that passion meets friendship

3. All consuming. I love you so much, ur my best friend AND I passionately love you

4. Will do anything for them

5. Least common love style in America 

6. Positive: can last and be great

7. Negative: can get taken advantage of… can create unbalances/suffocating lack of equity… you can’t repay this. Seriously stop!!! It feel unfair

The West glamorizes which love style?

Eros, but love can be all styles!

Do your love styles indicate your quality as a person

None of these styles reflect whether you're a good or bad person. Its just what u are! The styles are more used in your own relationships and label to others. Can even communicate about your styles!

Love languages

• How we communicate (and seek others to communicate) love…not just what love means to you

• Not academic at all

• Practical utility from counseling perspective

Love languages include

Words of Affirmation

Physical Touch

Receiving Gifts

Quality Time

Acts of Service

Words of Affirmation

1. Wants verbal communication of love. Ex. wants partner to say “I love you” every single day

2. Listen when I talk to you and tell me you love me

3. Very vocal and verbal with feelings

Physical touch

1. Want snuggles/physical contact to express love

2. Ex. hugging, holding hands

1. Receiving gifts

1. Not necessarily expensive things, but little thoughtful things

2. They are the best gift givers and want others to do the same for them

Quality time

1. Spending time together is how you show ur love

2. Wants the other person to spend present time with them and do things together

3. Uninterrupted time together bonding

Acts of Service

1. Doing things and helping each other

2. “I’ll help…”

3. Ex. guy who fixes things to show love 

4. Doing something for them. Ex. washing dishes

5. Ex. taking ur car to get washed

How can you use love languages?

These languages can help recognize how other people show love but also for you to change your behavior to make an effort to “speak” the language of their partner

• Learn how to speak each other's language!

Attachment theory: main idea

•  From birth humans have innate need to form attachments with others

• Ideally, our caretakers provide a secure base through which we explore the world

• Early interactions with caregivers lead to development of internal working models of self and others

Idea of attachment theory: From birth humans have innate need to form attachments with others

• Not developed over time, but from birth!

• Human babies are helpless so they need to attach to their parents

Idea of attachment theory: Ideally, our caretakers provide a secure base through which we explore the world

• Early attachment to caregivers plays a role in how people attach to others later…

• Our attachment source (parent, grandparent, caregiver) is our safe space 

• We need a secure base that we can return to when exploring the world

• Provides the sense that we are ok!

Idea of attachment theory: Early interactions with caregivers lead to development of internal working models of self and others

• Our interactions with our caregivers is MORE than an interaction, it tells you if everything is ok, worthy of love and trust, how you view yourself and others

Working models fall along a…

positive-negative continuum

Model of self:

• internalized sense of self-worth that is not dependent on external validation. Our self esteem that is alwaysssss there, deep seated

Positive model of self

high self esteem, know they are ok and worthy of love

Negative model of self

• needs more external validation from others

Model of others:

•  degree to which a child expects others to be supportive and accepting (rather than rejecting). Are others worth it? If I reach out, will they be there?

Attachment styles

 coherent patterns of emotion and social behavior that occur in CLOSE relationships.

• We don't really attach deeply to casual friendships or use them as a secure base… More best friends, romantic partners, parents…

• Develop during childhood but carry on into adulthood

• You have a SINGLE style, and once formed, it's really hard to change

Children’s attachment styles include…

Secure, Avoidant, Anxious-ambivalent

Secure: (children)

1. positive models of self and others

   1. Child received “goodness of fit” approach with regard to their needs

   2. Caregiver is providing needs of secure base!

   3. Wary of strangers, attached to caregiver

   4. 70% of children

Avoidant:

1.  negative model of others

   1. Not really care about others. Not trust caregiver, caregiver is not there OR is too over the top

   2. Child is over/under stimulated or neglected… blames others and learns to rely on self

   3. “Avoiding” caregiver

   4. Consistent something wrong with caregiver, child blames caregiver

Anxious-ambivalent:

1.  negative model of self

   1. Born out of Inconsistent response patterns form caregiver, caregiver is preoccupied or stressed and the child blames themselves

   2. Common in parents with substance use

   3. Child has come out of situation not being ok with themselves

Adult attachment styles:

 attachment style as a child is going to continue into close relationships/other relationships in adulthood because it set the stage for how you view yourselves and others

Adult attachment include…

secure

dismissive

preoccupied

fearful-avoidant

Secure (adult)

1. positive model of self and others

   1. Self-sufficient because they are ok, comfortable with intimacy because they are ok

   2. Wants interdependent relationships

Dismissive:

1. Positive model of self, negative model of others

   1. I’m ok, you’re not ok

   2. Counter-dependent

   3. Uncomfortable with intimacy. Don’t trust others

   4. Sees relationships as nonessential

   5. Some avoidant kids become dismissive of others

Preoccupied:

1. negative model of self, positive model of others

   1. I’m not ok, you’re okay

   2. Anxious-ambivalent can become this

   3. Doubt self worth, so need the relationship to give validation from relationships

   4. Overly dependent/involved behavior

   5. Sign of this: relationship to relationship to relationship, cannot be single. Need a relationship to make you feel whole!

Fearful-avoidant

1.  negative model of self, negative model of others

   1. I’m not okay, you’re not okay

   2. Don’t trust anyone. Not yourself, not others

   3. Fearful bubble

   4. Some avoidant kids become fearful-avoidant

   5. Want relationships, want approval, don’t think I’m worthy of it or you’ll give them to me. One of us will mess up

   6. Relationships are painful

   7. Anxious-ambivalent can become this also

Adult Attachment styles can become…

Reinforced

Secure reinforcement effect:

because secures are confident and expressive, people react to them positively, reinforcing positive models of self and others. Reaffirms that others are positive and they are positive. Can withstand criticisms, breakups, negative people

• Majority of adults end up with secure attachments

Preoccupied reinforcement effect:

clinging to their partners, escalating intimacy too quickly, engaging in negative conflict behaviors (they don’t know how to handle it) can push partners away, thereby reinforcing that they are unworthy of love

Fearful reinforcement effect:

 need secure relationships to feel better about self and others, but they are too afraid to trust others, and thus stay in their protective shell. Live in a protective bubble and avoid intimacy out of fear. 

Dismissive reinforcement effect:

by avoiding closeness and treating others as dispensable, they learn to do it all themselves, which reinforces the idea that they don’t need anyone. The more we drive others away, the more ability we have to not need others

Explanations for why attachment styles are stable

• : interactions with caregivers have especially strong effect on social development

• Reinforcement effect

Explanations for why attachment styles can change

• Significant life/relationship events. Ex abusive partner, Getting counseling

• Partner’s attachment style

  • It's a dyad and you can influence each other. Secure partners are more likely to rub off on non-secure partners. 

• Variability across relationship types

  • Ex. secure relationship with your mom typically transfers to other relationships, but NOT always…sometimes people do develop differences in attachment patterns based on relationships

• Your own personality

  • Changes over time. Confident toddler developed a more anxious personality over time

Does change happen fast in attachment styles

NO. change is possible, but it takes time

Criticism of attachment styles

Can be easy to overapply/overattribute things to attachment styles…

Also, remember none of these are saying a person is good or bad. Just how they approach relationships

But it can make us aware/recognize our own behaviors and partner behaviors.

What happens after the happily ever after?

Once you're together, you need to stay together. There is no cruise control, you have to put in the work necessary to maintain the relationship

Relational maintenance involves keeping a relationship…

In existence

In a specified state or condition 

In satisfactory condition

In constant state of repair

Relational maintenance involves keeping a relationship…In existence.

• The relationship exists because there is still open communication. Just if the relationship exists

• A lot of scholars say we need to go beyond

• Ex. holiday cards

Relational maintenance involves keeping a relationship…In a specified state or condition

• Ex. if you were best friends, maintaining means staying best friends

• Maintaining that particular relationship/state

• Dating should stay dating, married should stay married

Relational maintenance involves keeping a relationship in a satisfactory state

• You can keep a relationship in a specified state but emotionally change… you could stay married but hate each other!

• Maintenance should keep you satisfied

Relational maintenance involves keeping a relationship…In constant state of repair

• We have to keep our relationship in a constant state of repair

• Things are always going to be going wrong, disagreements, etc. You need to fix them as they come along. Like a car. Don’t ignore issues as they arise, be proactive

Which definition is the BEST definition of maintenance?

All of them! They’re all good.

Maintenance behaviors

• Behaviors that symbolically communicate our desire to maintain a relationship

  • If you don’t do these things, the partners think you don’t want to maintain the relationship

• Can be strategic or routine

Strategic maintenance Behaviors

• Intentional. A lot of times it's after you mess up or feel like something is off with the relationship. Also on special occasions like anniversaries

Routine maintenance behaviors

• A HUGE portion is routine

  • We do them and don’t even think about it. Ex. see them and give them a hug. Give them a ride home. Share about our days

Is relational maintenance static?

• Maintenance is dynamic and responds to changing needs over time

  • It goes with the flow and changes as the relationship progresses. 

  • Even if people are in a relationship like marriage their lives are not static. People are changing and have changing needs for maintenance. 

Relational maintenance behaviors are often…

•  taken for granted

  • We don’t notice them unless they are missing

What contexts are relational maintenance behaviors important for?

• Important for all contexts, but most prevalent within romantic relationships

  • You still have to maintain relationships with family but they are nonvoluntary relationships since ur related

  • HOWEVER, romantic relationships are voluntary, ur not related, and people typically have a single romantic partner at a time and ur very close

Prosocial relational maintenance behaviors include

• Positivity (pleasant interactions)

• openness/routine talk (disclosure, a lot of this is mundane every day

• Assurances (in the future we will be together)

• social networking (blend social networks and integrating)

• task sharing (performing tasks together. Not fun. Like chores, cooking)

• Supportiveness (comfort and support)

• joint activities (spending leisurely time together)

• romance and affection (romantic gestures)

• Humor (making each other laugh laugh, sending memes)

• constructive conflict management (deal with inevitable conflict in positive ways)

• maintaining monogamy

Antisocial maintenance behaviors

• A good chunk of maintenance we do is prosocial, but we also do antisocial maintenance behaviors

• Antisocial maintenance happens in two ways/for two things:

  • preventing relational growth

  • Maintain relationships using manipulative or destructive tactics

• preventing relational growth

Avoiding someone

• Like if ur friends and u think they are flirting, you engage in these behaviors. Blow them off, don;t answer calls. Cross sex heterosexual friendships do this all the time

• Or friends who you don’t want to be best friends with

• These bahviors are Normal, do this all the time

• Maintain relationships using manipulative or destructive tactics

• Goal of maintaining but using hostile behaviors

• Spying on them, making them feel jealous, etc. not healthy 

• Toxic. Not recommended

Maintenance in romantic relationships

• Most relational maintenance

  • Highest need for maintenance in romantic relationships

• Same-sex partnerships = similar to most romantic relationships in maintenance but some unique trends

In what ways are same-sex partnerships maintenance in romantic relationships different?

• More likely to stress openness within social networks (since they're not sure they'll be accepted)

• More nonconformity to gender norms (approaching maintenance not from gender roles)

General challenges in maintaining cross-sex friendships

• Might have to cope with divergent levels of romantic intent (strictly platonic, mutual romance, or mismatched desires) while navigating three major challenges. Its hard to have best friends that you could be romantically interested in

• 1. Emotional Bond challenge

• 2. The sexual challenge

• 3. Public presentation challenge

body of research surrounding General challenges in maintaining cross-sex friendships

The large body of research applies to cross-sex friendships, typically heterosexual. To what extent would this apply to any friendship that there could feasibly be romantic interest?

Emotional Bond challenge

• maintaining a close emotional connection to someone you could feasibly fall in love with is hard. Tricky to tell the difference between platonic and romantic love. Trying to separate feelings of love and connectedness. I love you… am I in love with you?

The sexual challenge

• does someone have romantic feelings for the other or not? You could feasibly be sexually attracted to them…

Public presentation challenge:

• people assume that you are dating, or going to fall in love. People start shipping you. You need to convince your current romantic partner to not feel threatened. 

What type of relational maintenance do you see in cross-sex, heterosexual friendships

antisocial relationship maintenance because people are trying to keep things platonic.

What qualifies a relationship as long distance relationship? (LDR)

• There is no line in the sand. As long as it restricts face-to-face communication, it is a LDR

Maintenance in LDRs , the big difference

•  restricted face-to-face interaction (can't see them in person), and reliance on mediated communication (technology) means that automatic maintenance relationships are not built in anymore.

  • Will require extra mediated maintenance. Cant rely of spending time with each other

Trust in LDR maintenance

• Will require extra mediated maintenance. Cant rely of spending time with each other

  • You can counteract this with open communication, affirmations (SO MUCH AFFIRMATION), and displaying commitment despite distance

Drifting away in LDR

• Partners might also “drift away” and feel like not part of each other’s lives if they don’t communicate enough

  • To avoid: Can maintain social presence through CMC computer mediated communication by keeping each other integrated in your daily life

Social presence:

the extent to which you feel socially connected to each other’s lives

Can LDR be satisfying?

Despite less face-to-face communication and less overall maintenance behaviors, many of these relationships are satisfying

Partner Idealization

In LDR, partners can control their communication, often screening out negative aspects. partners are often on their “best behavior” when physically together

creates a feedback loop that provokes and maintains unrealistically positive views of partner

Problems with Partner idealization

High levels of idealization can cause problems when reunited

Rewards

are positive consequences of being in a relationship

Costs

are the negative consequences of being in a relationship

Rewards and Costs can be…(categories)

Social

Emotional

Instrumental

Opportunity

Do we maintain relationships are rewarding or costly?

Overall, we are motivated to maintain relationships that are more rewarding than costly.

Equity Theory

Focuses on comparing the ratio of benefits versus contributions for each relational partner.

Does the contribution/benefit ratio have to be exactly equal?

This ratio does not have to be exactly equal for equity to exist; rather it has to be equivalent or equitable.

How to benefit contribution ratio

benefit/contribution.

Example: Christy has a benefit/contribution ratio of 10/5 while Steve has a benefit/contribution ratio of 6/3. Is this equitable?

They are equitable because they each get 2 benefits for each contribution.