Fantomette Lines & Cues -- SPIDER

You sure this is the place?

Roach: Hanging out? We’re on a mission. You don’t ‘hang out!’

Fly: Sorry.

Spider: (whispering)

Ten minutes. We’re in and out. No gunfire, no noise.

Roach: Rocket scientist in the window, secluded garden, and a staircase to a laboratory with a rocket sticking out of the skylight? Yeah. It’s the place.

Spider: (checking her watch)

This guy leaves his secret weapon in a filing cabinet?

Roach: The plan is you stay out here and be a lookout, NOT shining your light around and keeping QUIET while we get the goods from the filing cabinet.

Spider: (picking the lock to the front door)

Got it!

Roach: Hurry up. Not the thing itself, the plans for it. That’s what we’re after.

Spider: (the lock turns)

How should I know?

Fly drops a rock from his pocket into the garden below. Then he takes his flashlight and turns it on, looking for the rock.

 

Roach: Spider, which side? (she takes out her flashlight and looks around)

Spider:

Wait, there’s one over by the door.

Roach: This is crazy. It’s filled with junk. Do you see a filing cabinet? Maybe it’s in the house.

Spider:

Water pump, ejector chair, steam helicopter, gas-propelled skates, Steam – o – press – o – mixer?

Roach: It’s plans alright. Read ‘em.

Spider: (thumbing through)

I dunno; Maybe it’s upside down?

Roach: What is that?

Spider: (She holds it up, turning it around trying to make sense of it.)

Roach, did you hear that?

Roach: Forget about that! We’re looking for a rocket nozzle!

 

He grabs the stack and shoves it back in the drawer. He grabs another handful. There’s a sound on the roof.

 

Spider:

Hands up! (silence) Now, or I’ll shoot!

Roach: Yeah, it sounded like it came from the window. Someone’s in the back of the lab.

 

Spider takes a gun from her pocket and points, shining the light at the sound with the other hand.

 

Spider:

There!

Roach: There’s no one there.

 

Fantomette takes a nut off the shelf and tosses it behind the rocket.

 

Spider:

What?

She wheels around and raises the gun over her head. Fantomette grabs it from her and quickly takes the bullets, then drops it behind the rocket to the floor. The aunt’s light goes on in the house.

 

Spider:

I dropped the gun. Didn’t mean to!

Roach: What happened?

Spider:

Ouch!

Roach: Got it!

 

Spider stands and hits her head on the rocket.

 

Spider:

Thank goodness for that!

Fantomette meows convincingly, at the same time and pulls a string letting the transom window slam shut.

 

Roach: (breaking into laughter) It’s just a cat! A four legged burglar with whiskers!

Spider:

Crap!

She leans on a switch that turns the red light on. Fly panics and opens the door.

 

Fly: A light!

Spider: (she turns the switch and the light turns green)

It’s dark in here.

Roach: Hide!

 

Roach closes the door on Fly, who jumps over the side of the stoop. Holding on to the edge. Fly and spider climb into the rocket.

 

Spider:

Yeah.

They disappear into the house, bickering. Fly pulls himself up from the edge of the stoop and gives a secret knock. Fantomette crouches on the rocket’s high side. Roach and Spider crawl from the rocket.

 

Roach: That was close! Now stay quiet!

Spider:

Did you hear…

Roach goes back to the filing cabinet and opens a different drawer.

 

Roach: This is it! Rocket Nozzle! Theory, calculations, tests…   

    

Spider grabs the folder. A faint creak sounds from above. They freeze.

 

Spider:

I’ll stop him; wait... it’s empty.

Fantomette jumps in, clutching the folder, and pushes away from the shore. Roach and Spider appear seconds later, panting. Fly follows behind.

 

Roach: He took the boat! (Fly shines the flashlight on her.)

Spider: (She clicks the trigger of her gun)

Colonel Pork is going to kill us.

Fantomette: I thought you could use some exercise. Pleasure doing business, boys!

Spider: (fuming)

She stole your brains while she was at it!

Fly: Then she sailed over our heads and stole Spider’s bullets! 

Spider:

She rowed off in our boat after she flattened the tires.

Pork: Wait, you took the car and the boat? 

Spider:

After making sure we couldn’t follow.

Colonel Pork (deadpan): “She. Rowed off. In your boat.”

They nod.

Spider:

She’s a super girl!

Roach: She’s not just a girl.

Spider:

Shut up. He was furious. If I ever get my hands on that Fantomette again, she’ll be sorry.

Fly: Better go better! Hehe.

Spider:

Ah. It’s that cat again. Go on, kitty, get out of here.

Roach starts to exit with the “nozzle.” Spider lingers. Fantomette shifts and something rattles. Fly shines the light under the rocket.

 

Fly: Hey, What’s that?

Spider:

Look. There behind that tub.

Roach: Stop wasting time on that cat. Leave it where it is.

Spider:

Quiet you!

Fantomette: Aw, and I thought I did you a favor!

Spider:

I’ll flatten her nose with a monkey wrench.

Fantomette: No. Simply for the pleasure of seeing you frown.

Spider: (Fantomette sticks out her tongue. Spider advances. She slams the armrest. A burst. Smoke. The chair shoots upward.)

Ow! My head!

Roach: What the ?

 

Fantomette grabs the beam, swings up through the skylight. The chair crashes back down onto the crooks. Fly drops the flashlight, flooding them in darkness.

 

Spider:

Perfect, he says. If you had been hit on the head by a bus, you wouldn't be saying that.

Roach fires again, emptying his gun. No sound but a large splash replies. He heads back as Spider staggers out holding the “nozzle.” Fly follows. The light goes on in the Aunt’s room.

 

Roach: You have it? Perfect.

Fly: Let’s get out of here.  

Spider:

What?

Colonel Pork: What is this? Is this some sort of sick joke?

 

Roach comes in from tying up Isabelle.

 

Spider:

Yes, but Colonel

Colonel Pork: I’ve had enough of this. To start, you are going to put this masked girl out of business once and for all. And that professor has been warned, he wants to play around? Well, It will be much worse for him now. And for his niece. (he points to Spider) You will take care of her, what we agreed on, yes? The gravel.

Spider:

Yes, Colonel. No problem.

Colonel Pork: Is there a problem? You know what happens to those who disobey.

Spider:

Let’s go.

Colonel Pork: And take him with you. As a lookout.  Execute it immediately.

Spider:

Yes sir!

They walk outside to join Spider and Fly.

 

Colonel Pork: Is it ready?

Spider:

Wha?

The same as the end of the act. A black shape appears above or behind the mound. Fantomette takes off her pin, slides out a hidden blade, and sticks it in Spider’s back.

 

Fantomette: Not so fast. Don’t move. Either of you.

Spider:

But the Colonel

Fantomette: Good. Now untie the sack.

Spider:

I won’t! I swear!

Fantomette: (to fly) You, in! (he does so and Spider cinches the sack.) There. When your Colonel comes out, he’ll see what he expects to see. And if you say one word—

Spider:

Yes sir!

Colonel Pork: Is it ready?

Spider:

Taking a leak?

Roach: Wait, where’s Fly?

Spider: (looks at the sack)