Forensics

Criticism

Attacks the character of the recipient instead of focusing on a specific behavior

How to fix criticism

Talk about your feelings using I statements, then express a positive need

Contempt

An expression of superiority that comes out as sarcasm, criticism, name calling, mockery, etc.

How to fix contempt

Treat one another with respect and build a culture of appreciation within a relationship

Defensiveness

Self protection through righteous indignation or playing the victim. Never solves problem just an underhanded way of blaming your partner

How to fix defensiveness

accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict

Stone walling

Occurs when the listener withdraws from the conversation without resolving anything. It takes time for negativity to result in stonewalling, but once it does it can become a habit

How to fix stonewalling

Take a break for at least 20 minutes to calm down , then return to the conversation.

7 repair attempts

Soccer ball repair, compliment repair, change topic, simple apology, humor, cool off, compromise

Soccer ball repair

Goes back and forth

Good pronouns (we, us, our) bad pronouns (you, me, mine, yours)

Soccer ball statement: we have a problem, what can we do to solve our problem

Compliment repair

On topic and sincere

Change topic

Old argument and no solution

simple apology

I’m sorry

Humor

high risk, high reward

cool off

less than 100 beats per minute

compromise

each side gives in a little

House to happy marriage

Ask questions, build fondness, admiration, and respect, turn toward one another, not against, more positive than negative, management of conflicts, shared meaning, purpose, mission, culture, and values

Ask question

get to know them and what they are like by asking open ended questions

Build fondness, admiration, and respect

show appreciation by saying things like thank you, you did that well, etc.

turn towards

nice response

turn away

ignore

turn against

rude and aggressive answers

Divorced couple turn towards each other…

3/10 times

Married couple turn towards each other

9/10 times or 88%

Emotional bank should be

5 deposits for ever withdrawl

tannen says men are

independent and say what they mean

Tannen says women…

focus on building relationships and don’t say what they actually mean

women and men act different because

they played and talked differently growing up