Exit Pursued by a Bear Lines

NAN. (Continued:) Second: This is Sweetheart, whose stage name is Peaches, who’s playing you.

Hi.

NAN. Third: This. Is what. Just happened. Go!

What Just Happened…

You dumb stupid—left the goddamn rake on the—Goddammit, the longest, dumbest day, and the traffic—and the truck, and the damn deer, and I can’t even get in my own damn house without a damn booby trap—

NAN. I’m sorry.

Fuck sorry.

NAN. Why don’t you sit?

(Smacks Nan)

Why don’t you get me a beer.

NAN… Don’t get all pitchy on me. It’s not gonna be that kinda slasher bad.

Might be.

NAN. But I will be very clear with y’babe: that was the very last last time you’re ever, ever, gonna hit this girl again.

(Affirmative) MmmHm.

NAN. As Nan Carter said: I’m not sick n’more.

Amen.

NAN. Then I thought: what ever it is it should be slow and—

Theatrical!

NAN. I will show Kyle what he did, I will use the power of the fourth wall to expose himself to himself, and he will have—

Catharsis.

I am NOT WALKIN’ after all this, goddammit—after EVERYTHING I’VE DONE FOR YOU.

Everything she’s done.

NAN. Ok. Ok. I gotta text some back-up.

Back it up.

NAN. This is all gonna be—GODDAMIT KYLE—it’s gonne be fine.

Are we still—should I go?

NAN. NoNoNo. Show’s still on.

Sweet.

NAN. Ok. Yes. No. Let’s just do the next scene before he comes.

I await your cue.

NAN. Oh my god!

Oh my god! For the scene!

NAN. For the scene! Perfect!

Ohmygod it’s perfect!

(Run out, come back in with a small dead doe)

I was a Girl Scout and everything but that is just…warm.

NAN. Yeah.

You alright?

NAN. I think so.

You ready?

NAN. I think so (2nd time).

Hellyes, and just so you know, because I have grown to love you and I firmly believe in what you’re about…I memorized it.

NAN. You did not.

The whole thing, yes ma’am. Every line.

NAN. That is just professional.

And with the right props—I mean—Ok. I don’t wanna get all mushy right before we start but—

NAN. Oh honey.

No seriously Nan. Most actors don’t ever get to really work like this—in this kind of setting, and I think you’re just giving me exactly what I need-like, emotional needs-, so that I can go to LA and be really emotional.

NAN. As Jimmy Carter said: It’s not necessary to fear the prospect of failure but to be determined not to fail.

You and He are—oh my god—SO right. OK, I’m sorry. I know we got a lot to cover, I just—Ok. This is SO great. Narrate me unto the breach!

NAN. “One year ago. Lights up on Nan folding t-shirts at the table. She smells like bleach. Kyle enters drunk again.” Go. (DING! One Year Ago…)

Hey, look at this shit!

NAN. Jesus. What did you—KYLE!

I shot it, baby. Da-dead da-deer-ass dead.

NAN. WHYWHY?! NO! WHY?!

Cause it’s stupid and thus deserved what it—quit getting pitchy—There’s a surplus of ‘em and we’re gonna eat it.

NAN. I AM NOT, GET IT OUT!

That’s my meat!

NAN. You killed it?!

Hunting season means huntin’ shit.

NAN. You don’t hunt!

I shot it and it’s dead so it’s hunted so I hunt.

NAN. You need a license and permits and—

Self defense.

NAN. That’s not what hunting is!

Stop squealing, it’s a stupid animal.

NAN. No-No-No-What-do-I-do-with-it?

Cook it like ham.

NAN. I am NOT touching that thing.

Your husband tames the wild, brings you an—

NAN. I wanted a cat!

And you can’t even for a second—

NAN. A LIVE CAT!

Even for a minute consider doing the right thing, and cooking it and eating it, cause I’m ENTITLED to a DEER MEAL.

NAN. NONO GOD I HATE IT NO.

(Drag NAN to deer on table)

Simultaneously with NAN’s line: Stopistopitohmygodohmygodohmygod…

It’sjustafuckingdeerNanhshutththellup…

NAN. JesusJesusJesus

Joke, Nan. Shit.

NAN. “There should be an honest attempt at the reconciliation of differences before resorting to combat.” Jimmy Carter.

Shut the trunk, Nan.

NAN. “It is good to realize that if love and peace can prevail on earth, the joys and beauties of the outdoors will be here forever.” Jimmy Carter

“Deer steak or nobody sleeps.” Kyle Carter

NAN. Stop.

Let’s move on.

NAN. I hate you.

What.

NAN. I…don’t know how to—

Field flay-dress—field dress. Just google it.

NAN. JesusJesusJesus. (2nd time)

All I know is you bleed it first.

NAN. So I will be leaving tonight for good. (end of Nan’s monologue)

Here’s my deal, y’all.

Two months ago I was on my way to audition for Hamlet at the Dahlonega Community Players when I first saw Nan. She was at the Subway just tearing through this foot long with all that stringy lettuce and crying and mauling those poor SunChips.

And I thought—this is real drama. Investigate.

So I asked her if she needed anything. And she told me that she didn’t believe in love of justice anymore.

And I was like: whoa. Deep drama, y’all.

So I told her I was going to this audition—cause Hamlet’s got some major justice, kids. And she went with me, and then we got some food at the Chick-Fil-A, and it was over those super puffy waffle fries that we became friends. I told her about my dreams of acting (I did not get the role of Hamlet, however), and she told me about her dream of saving animals (she works at this small vet in Canton), and I gave her my copy of The Collected Works of William Shakespeare, and she gave me free cat check-ups.

I even told her I was stripping at the Highway Club until I got my big break. And she didn’t hate me for it. Which some people do.

And after a month of sharing books and meals and funny LOL cat pictures—she told me about Kyle and love and justice and how there was a bigger truth at stake if only she had the courage. And I said…

Let’s get classical.