Check Please - Lines for GUY

Cue

Line

(Scene 2 Start)

It’s great to finally meet you.

Definitely

So how did you-

Wait, sorry—do you mind if I check on the Bears game real quick?

Oh, of course.

Thanks. Just my luck a playoff game hits overtime right before a date.

No worries.

(As she checks:) Thanks. I love the Bears. What a secondary, right? (Sees score; puts phone away:) Okay, moving on. So Laura’s told me tons about you.

Oh great; no pressure.

I’m just gonna check one more time.

Okay.

(Showing an earpiece:) Actually, is it cool if I listen to the game while we chat? Don’t worry – I’m a great multitasker.

Sure.

Oh no, I’m making a bad first impression. Right? It’s just ’cause it’s the playoffs. I’m usually normal. (Suddenly:) Ahhh!

What’s up?

What’s up? What’s up is that our fullback fumbled. That’s what’s up. We jumped on it, but come on: You gotta have better ball security. You gotta. But sorry, you were saying?

I don’t think I was saying.

Are you joking?! Pass the ball!! It’s third and long!! Who runs on third and long?!

The Bears…?

Oh I’m being loud…

Loud is a relative term.

I’m sorry. But silver lining: this place has a crème brûlée that just melts in your— A DRAW PLAY ON FOURTH DOWN? A DRAW PLAY ON FOURTH DOWN? A DRAW PLAY ON FOURTH DOWN?

We could go to a sports bar.

Oh I wouldn’t do you that to you. And the game’s basically over. (Takes a deep breath.) All right, I’m done. Let’s order.

Laura said the flatbread’s good. (MELANIE suddenly shrieks and rips her menu in half.) Not a flatbread fan.

They lost…

Oh.

(Starting to tear up:) They lost. The season’s over

I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?

(Still weepy:) The Bears suck…

No…

They do… They suck.

They’ll bounce back-

THE BEARS SUCK.

The bears suck.

(Scene 4 start)

It’s nice to meet you.

Same.

Man this menu’s huge.

I can never decide when the menu’s so big. I can be picky.

Ooh! I’m definitely getting the sea bass. What about you?

Nothing really leaps out

Really? Why don’t you tryyyy—the pork chops.

Nooo, too dry.

Okay. The shrimp scampi.

Nooo, too moist.

Oh.

I actually have mild case of hygrophobia

Hygrophobia?

It’s the fear of dampness

Oh, okay. How about the eggplant parmesan?

Porphyrophobia.

What’s that?

Fear of purple.You could get the cheese plate

You could get the cheese plate

Coprastasophobia

Fear of?

Constipation.

What about the sushi?

Japanophobia. (Beat.) It’s the fear of—

No, I got it. What about this Hawaiian fish? Let’s see if I can pronounce it right: Humuhumunukunukuapua’a’.

That actually sounds delicious.

Great!

But I suffer from a rare case of hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.

Which is?

Fear of long words

Okay! How about this: peanut butter and jelly.

Sorry

What could possibly be wrong with peanut butter and jelly?

I recently developed arachibutyrophobia.

Fear of sandwiches?

Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of my mouth

So what can you eat?

Not much. I do have sitiophobia.

Fear of?

Food.

Right. So if you have all of these dietary issues, why dinner?

Good question.

Okay, so how about we just call it a night?

Ooh, I can’t.

Why not?

Anuptaphobia?

(Sarcastic:) What’s that? Fear of staying single for the rest of your life?

Yes

Oh.

On the other hand, it’s probably best we end the date now, on account of my deipnophobia.

Fear of?

Dinner conversations.

Okay, well in that case, have a good night

(Scene 6 start)

So nice to meet you

Likewise! Julia’s told me all about you.

You’ve been friends for a while, right?

Yeah, a really long time.

(As PEARL quickly steals the rest of the utensils:) How’d you meet again?

We played youth soccer when we were, like, eight. And let me tell you: it was intense. (They laugh, and while they do, PEARL swipes a napkin.) Seriously, Julia is my favorite. And she’s got great taste, so when she told me about you, I was definitely on board.

(Once GUY begins speaking, PEARL swiftly removes the flower from the vase, pours the contents of her glass into the vase, pockets the glass, and replaces the flower in the vase.) GUY. That’s—great…

No, really, I’ve been looking forward to this for a while.

(As PEARL takes the flower:) I’m flattered.

You hungry? I’m about ready. (They look at their menus. The moment GUY begins speaking, PEARL steals her menu)

I’m pretty hungry—you know, I can see that you’re stealing. You don’t have to play it off like you’re not.

What are you talking about?

(As PEARL steals a plate:) I’m sitting right here— You just stole that plate.

Wow, that’s a cruel accusation.

(As PEARL steals sugar holder:) Accusation? I’m watching you steal those sugar packets right now. You really think I don’t notice.

(Starting to leave:) Look, I don’t know what your problem is with me as a person, but this is really insulting. I'd better go

Wait. Listen: if you’ll stop stealing things, I won’t get on your case. Okay?

Okay…

Yeah?

Yeah…

Great. So where are you from—?

(Scene 10) It’s nice to finally meet you.

Likewise.

Ugh—where are my manners? This is Walter. WALTER: Hey, man; how’s it goin’?

I’m sorry—Walter…?

Well I stand corrected.

(Remaining respectful:) So, is this a medical condition, or—

LINDA: Well agree to disagree. WALTER: Fine

Sorry - explain again what’s happening right now?

LINDA: You are overreacting. WALTER: Am I?

I’m still confused

WALTER. I dance like I’m on fire. (He dances like a maniac.) (“They” sit.) LINDA. See?

Not really.

(To GUY:) Tell her that you’re cool with our my seeing-eye monkey.

What now…?

Don’t leave—wait! (To GUY:) See ya, buddy. Oh and you can borrow those dance moves whenever you want. (To the departing LINDA:) Hey, slow down! (He “leaves.” In reality, LINDA/WALTER/DELORES still sits there, silently, without expression. A moment, as GUY just sort of takes it all in. Then:)

So, to confirm: now I’m on a date with a monkey.

(Scene 12 start)

So what do you do for a living?

[Pulling something heavy with a rope.]

You pull rope. Look, I respect your profession. Sort of. To be honest, I didn’t know mimes were still a thing. Either way, I don’t see why you’d bring your work to a date.

[Battling against harsh winds.]

Yeah, quite a storm in here. (GUY opens his menu and reads. MIMI mimes picking up an imaginary menu, and peruses it page after page. GUY watches.) Okay, I’m gonna hit the men’s room

[You’re going to drive away while waving bye-bye?

No, I’m not leaving. I’m taking my jacket with me because…it might get cold. (GUY starts to leave. MIMI jumps in front of him.) No no, you stay here.

[I’ll feed these chickens.]

I don’t know what that is. (GUY tries again to exit but MIMI again gets in his way, maybe with a big Mime Smile. An idea dawns on GUY has an idea. The following is loud and animated—very frantic for MIMI; sarcastically frantic for GUY.) Oh, how about this… (Looking up:) Oh no! A box!!

[Where? Where?]

A huge, glass box, falling from the sky!!

[Oh no! It’s about to land on me!]

Noooooooo!

[I am trapped inside this box.]

Best of luck.

GIRL: Sorry.

No, no. My fault. (A short moment of chemistry. Then they start to go their separate ways. But then GUY turns around.) Hold on a second. This may seem random, but do you like football?

A little. Do you own any burlap?

No.

Should we go get some ice cream?

We should.