Elsa linesss

HELSA thuds on the ground

This way, Sergeant! (enter) … and since we have an early day tomorrow, we'd best have our ovaltine and go to bed. Oh dear, Helsa has forgotten the sugar.

KELLY: Not on my account

You dont take sugar?

KELLY: I dont take ovaltine

well, if its good enough for orphan annie, sergeant… Here is a list of the people you are to pick up in the morning. At nine-thirty a.m. in front of the brill building a Mr. Eddie McCuen. Mr. McCuen is a struggling young comedian. The brill building is…

KELLY: Yeah, I know where it is

Of course you do. Then Mrs. Baverstock will be at her apartment at 230 east 50th. Oh, Mr McCuen is, I am given to understand, an incredibly struggling young comedian. Perhaps to spare Mrs. Baverstock he'd best ride up front with you.

KELLY: swell.

Then at a house on east 92nd street, you are to pick up an actor named Patrick O'Reilly. Mr. O'Reilly is an Irish tenor.

KELLY: You told this Mrs. Baverstock you had a new chauffeur?

I made up some story, yes. The others arrive by car and train. I do hope they make their connections

KELLY: Snow's supposed to stop by midnight

I wish they'd settle whatever it is they're striking about. I'm sick of Stephen Foster

KELLY: I hope this wont scare off our people

What?

KELLY: I said, I hope this won't scare off our people.

my dear, these are actors, producer, director, composer, lyricist, coming to get my money for their Broadway show. Nothing short of the end of the world will stop them.

KELLY: If this is gonna work, you've got to say the speech exactly like we rehearsed it. You're going to be able to pull off your end of this okay?

Espionage is in my blood sergeant. I wont fail you. Poor dead Bebe's Deco makeup kid. Being au corant was so important to her. And now… she's anything but.

KELLY: Here.

Ahh, yes! That which way reveal a murderer! Oh Sergeant, This is going to be a grand adventure, isn't it? And I've planned a perfectly grand menu for the occasion. To begin, a tureen of December fruit, followed by lobster on dill, and…

KELLY: Yeah, well since my first adventure will be drivin' through a snow storm tomorrow, I better get some sleep.

Come, I'll show you to your room. I must admit, you are something of a surprise to me, Sergeant. I had though all New York City police men to be Irish

RADIO: …Nor the federal bureu………8th army announced success today in north africa near Sidni Barrani….

Helsa, there seems to be a taxi stuck in the drive. I'm going down with a shovel. And the bar needs condiments. Will you see to it?

HELSA, Ja, gnadige Frau.

Gnadige Frau? A bit formal this morning, aren't we? Oh, I think I know. Little Helsa is curious about my overnight guest, isn't she?

HELSA: nein

Not even curious as to which bedroom he slept in? Oh, don't worry, you're still the princess here. Now… to the day. There will be seven for lunch, four for dinner. I want you at your most efficient today, Helsa. I'm not at liberty to tell you why, but this day will add a bonechilling chapter to the Von Grossenkneuten annals. Clear that also will you?

HELSA: I never paid much attention to the cabarets

This is the library. We'll hold the audition here, Ken. Director at work. You can move it around anyway you like.

Ken: It's perfect.

Hello. I'm Elsa Von Grossenkneuten.

O'REILLY: I'm Patrick O'Reilly. Our group is stuck down below. I came up for a shivel.

a shivel?

HELSA: a shovel

Oh, shovel, of course! Well, it's right outside the door. This is Miss Nikki… ahh…

NIKKI: Crandall

And this is Ken De La Maize, your director.

O'REILLY : pleased to meet you, I'm sure. And now, I'll be after gettin' that shivel

I'll go with you

O'Reilly: It's after bein' down to the bottom of the hill, Miss. And the snow is as steep as the cliffs of Killarney.

I am of solid Bavarian stock, Mr. O'Reilly. Snow is in my blood.

Ken: But not in your heart, dear Elsa. This lady is the most generous patron of our art alive today.

am I, Ken??

Ken: Without you Elsa, there wouldn't be more than thirty or forty shows on the Great White Way. She backed twelve last season.

Well, I do like to dabble. Now Ken, suppose you mix you and Miss Crandall a drink. Helsa will take your luggage to your room. Northwest guest room, Helsa. Roger and Bernice will be down as soon as they thaw out. Marjorie is trudging up the hill. Soon we will all be together once more, wont we Ken?

KEN: yes. it’ll be good to see Roger and Bernice again.

All… together, right Ken?

KEN: yes.

And when I come back I want to hear all about Hollywood. What its like.

KEN: just dump the garment district right in the middle of orange Grove. Thats Hollywood.

How picturesque!

EDDIE: I’m a comic, remember? The dark defiantly scares us. It’s part of training

Ah, you must be Mr. McCuen, since you’re the only one unaccounted for. I’m your host, Elsa Von Grossenknuten. And of course you know Miss. Baverstock and Mr. O’Reilly, since you rode up with them.

EDDIE: Well, thanks, but I…

And this is Miss. Crandall. Nikki darling, I don’t believe you’ve met Miss Baverstock. Do you ah… have a cold, Mr. McCuen?

EDDIE: No, see there’s been a hitch. I got my dates mixed and I’m due back to New York.

Oh dear, when?

EDDIE: well, it would be… right now

Really? But my goodness, I don’t know how you’ll get there. Perhaps it’s skipped your attention, but we’re having a blizzard

MARJORIE: Elsa, I can’t wait to hear the show. It’s divoon, simply divoon. And I have a budget all worked out. Even down to the opening night party. We’ll hold it at sardi’s naturally, and if we charge the actors just a teensy cover charge, we’ll break even. Elsa, are you redecorating?

Oh my, the bookcase has been turned. Did someone move the pen holder?

MARJORIE: A secret passage, Elsa? Where does it lead?

to other passages. The house is laced with them.

MARJORIE: My goodness, Nancy Drew would be in seventh heaven here, wouldn’t she? You never told me about this Elsa, never!

They’re nothing, Marjorie. Just your average, ordinary, everyday secret passageways.

MARJORIE: was this a stop on the underground railway or something?

No

MARJORIE: Then why…

My father, who built this house, was Baron Wilhelm Von Grossenknuten.

O’REILLY: Ahhhh yes

Youve heard of him??

O’REILLY: Well… aah, wasn’t there a motion picture about him? with Eric Von Stroheim? Or am I thinkin’ of someone else?

Someone else. Though he was a legend, there has been no motion picture on him.

O’REILLY: Obviously I have him mixed up

This house was built by him when he left Germany at the end of the war.

MARJORIE: He was a general?

He was the Kaiser’s chief of Espionage and the most brilliant intelligence mind in European history.

NIKKI: He was a spy?

You have heard, perhaps, of the Dreyfuss papers? The colonel Redl letter? The Kruger telegram? The Von Moltke note? The Hotzendorff memo? the Von Emmich shopping list? Events which changed the subject of history; with my father at their center, working in clandestine, covert alliance, cloaked in atmosphere of secrecy, stealth and subterfuge.

MARJORIE: But why the secret passages?

It was the only way he could leave the room

HELSA: Excuse my gnadige frau, but I cannot find the mean cleaver.

you need a meat cleaver?

HELSA: for the hor d’oeuvres, ja.

Well… if you need it. My home is yours, everyone. Make yourselves comfortable. You’re sure you need a meat cleaver, Helsa?

KEN: Come kids, lets get to work.

Ahhh, we are all together once more, are we not. All together. And are we all comfortable?

KEN: we’re about to start rehearsal, Elsa

does anyone need a refill

BERNICE: sure

Heavens how dark its getting and its only just past one. wonderful! The snow just wont stop will it? What are you having, Bernice?

HELSA: excuse me, gnadige frau, but your cook called and is snowed in.

DRAT! … well there’s nothing for it but I shall go in the kitchen and whip up a quick lunch. We don’t hungry for the big show do we? Come Helsa, lets see if we still remember how to do saurbraten

BERNICE: Oh no, of course not. I was just thinking. We have nothing to be afraid of here. My god, we’re warm and cozy in a lovely, old, kinda’ weird house… with secret passages, and blood soaked carpets, and sorta’ isolated by a snowstorm.

I’m afraid I have a rather troubling announcement. I hope none of you have to reach New York this afternoon because the phone seems to have gone dead.

KELLY: Kelly. No, not that much. I had a cousin in the “Hot Mikado” at the world fair

Dinner, such as it is will be seven. To tide you over, I’ll have Helsa bring in some Liedercranz

KEN: We’re fine, Elsa. Please don’t worry about us.

Now? … Oh, and one other thing… yesterday when we were cleaning out the guest rooms in anticipation of your arrivals, guess what we found? … Bebe McAllister’s makeup kit. It had somehow been packed with the… aah… showgirl costumes when the school closed and sketch to Princeton University

KEN: Its for that show they do. It has a kick line

Last week someone there found the case and, recognizing the name as one of the murder victims, mailed it to the police. ahh… who thereupon mailed it to me. It put it in the closet and forgot about it. Till yesterday. And with all of us reunited I became curious. I opened it. And what do you think I found?

BERNICE: I don’t want to hear this. It's going to be someones finger or something

A small notebook! …… A round notebook!

ROGER: a round notebook?

Ahh… well a notebook which was full of… notes… and… little tiny spirals…?

KEN: what?

Doodles? … ah, no … phone… PHONE NUMBERS! … and something is in my eye? no… got my eye… CAUGHT MY EYE! the last appointment. The night she was murdered.

MARJORIE: an appointment with whom?

dont know. BUT! they were wearing a watch. No… time.. ahhh, the book gives time and place!

ROGER: No one was there!

No, they weren’t

MARJORIE: they weren’t what?

…singing…?

BERNICE: what? who wasn’t singing?

They weren’t singing…in an elevator..?? No, no, … excuse me, I need some coffee

ROGER: an alibi, obviously

No, the note doesn’t say the theater; it says the hotel. The night she was murdered she has an appointment with someone at the hotel.

KEN: Why don’t we take a look at the book?

I thing its better if I turn it over to the police… in the morning

NIKKI: Knueten

Yes?

EDDIE: well, maybe you should put that book in a safe place and as far from you as possible. Cause if it connects the killer to the murders, he would kill to get it.

But he doesn’t know I have it, does he?

EDDIE: well, he does now

Really, Mr. McCuen! For that to be true, the killer would have to be in this room

BERNICE: He might have, but I doubt if he ever did

Do you mind if I watch a bit, Ken? You know how I adore the rehearsal process

MARJORIE: It will spoil the audition for you, Elsa

I shan’t stay long, just a soupcon. (soup sawn)

MARJORIE: No, really I…

This is my house and…

O’REILLY: Sure’n I fear the hot chicklet has gone and given me a terrible headache. I notice that I’m not needed in this number so if you don’t mind, I will step out for some aspirin.

Oh you poor, dear boy. There’s some in the kitchen, I’ll get it for you.

BERNICE: And Marjorie?

Lights are back. Everyone alright? I think its because I plugged in the toaster.

KEN: Were fine, Elsa. We’re moving as quickly as we can.

No hurry. I haven’t even started the white sauce.

KELLY: could we leave the recipe exchange till tomorrow? We got a killer on the loose here!

I’ve found the blueprints!

KEN: What blueprints?

Of the estate. Since whoever cut off the power escaped through the tunnels, I thought if we examined these, we might find details of those passages. Then we could foray into the walls to look for clues. I’ll put together a picnic lunch in case we get lost.

KELLY: These just show the house. They don’t have the passageways

Of course not. They’re secret.

KELLY: right now I want everyone where I can see ‘em

And I want to look for clues

KELLY: Murder Investigation. I’m a cop

Why are you telling them?

ROGER: I told you, I told you, I told you. But did you listen? No, I’m just a silly songwriter. I did go to the Boston conservatory, you know.

I think this exposure unwise, sergeant.

KELLY: A steup

I was to be the bait, Roger. When the killer came for me… and the notebook… there sergeant would capture him. Cleaver, yes?

KELLY: Thats exactly the way i got it pegged miss.

I still maintain we should examine these blueprints. The case is half the fun.

BERNICE: My god!

What is it, Bernice?

KEN: I would think bebe would want to spend time with friends… wouldn't you, Elsa?

Poor Bebe had many dear friends, Ken.

BERNICE: Anyone want to hear the new lyric? I think I’ve caught the real flavor of Washington with it. Its called “Ways, Means, and Mischief”

Poor Bernice. She works herself much too hard.

ROGER: Youre dead!

Helsa, my god!

HELSA: Ja, two. I am of triplets. Sisters. But they are In Germany.

Helsa, someone who looks very like you was… murdered here this afternoon.

KEN: Did Helsa accompany you out of town during “Manhattan Holiday”?

No, Helsa was here at the house.

HELSA: I don’t think she looks a thing like me.

But, Helsa…

EDDIE: I told you she had eyes for him. Two murders and all shes concerned for is O’Reilly

Obviously Helsa is lying. Though I cant imagine why.

KELLY: I thought espionage was in your blood

It is. It’s just a little sluggish at the moment.

ROGER: perhaps her sister is the slasher

If her sister is the slasher, then who slashed her?

KELLY: Because before you ask who, you have to ask why.

And how.

ROGER: How what?

I was just agreeing. And how.

KEN: Could Helsa be the stage door slasher? Well, its what were all thinking, right?

Oh, thats what were all thinking. But why would Helsa murder three women?

ROGER: Jealousy.

Of whom?

ROGER: Your friends of course. You said you had many.

I said Bebe had many.

NIKKI: Or in those tunnels

Well, we wont know If we don’t look! I am going to cook dinner. And then I suggest and armed foray into those walls. There is another possibility. Perhaps Helsa is her sister.

KELLY: What?

Just something that happened earlier. When I attempted to kiss her good morning, something… different.

O’REILLY: Are you writin’ a book on me miss?

Dinner is served. Oh, Mr. O’Reilly, you’ve returned to us.

EDDIE: Somebody hit him on the head and left him to die.

My dear, we’ve unleashed something horrible in this house tonight… however, the vichyssoise is ready and… where is Sergeant Kelly?

EDDIE: I don’t know. Isn’t he with you?

Perhaps he went to wash up. Come along,, everyone else is in the dining room. Lets eat so we can get down to the serious business of the evening.

BERNICE: Sure we can.

We need to trap him from two sides. Look Nikki youre going in through here. I’ll enter from the billiard room.

ROGER: thats the billiard room?

yes