Whodunnit? (Alice)

Announcer: Our play is about to start. Will the famous detectives be successful in finding the killer? Will they be able to tell us whodunit? Wait and see!

He’s driving me mad—mad—mad!

Malcolm: Don’t be afraid, sweet Alice. I am here to protect you.

You weren’t here last night when I needed you. Oh, Malcolm, what are we going to do?

Grandma: I keep hoping he’ll go away.

Where would he go?

Malcolm: He lives here.

He’s been living here too long. Will we ever be rid of him?

Grandma: Sooner, perhaps, than you think.

Never, never! Till he dies!

Harriet: Did you call, Miss Alice?

No, Harriet, but I’m glad you’re here. I feel safer when we’re all together.

Harriet: You’re thinking of him, aren’t you, Miss?

I’m always thinking of him, day and night. Every time I walk down the dark hall, every time I climb the long stairs, my heart leaps to my throat and I think “What if I come face to face with him?’

Uncle Eben: Blankety-blank-blank! Blankety-blank-blank-blank!

Uncle Eben’s coming! (To Malcolm) Hide, dear heart!

Uncle Eben: Where the blankety-blank is my blankety-blank pipe?

Please! I can’t bear to hear him call you a sniveling little pipsqueak.

Malcolm: Me?

Here, behind the screen.

Grandma: Be nice to him, dear. I’m afraid he’s in very bad temper again.

I’ll try.

Uncle Eben: Why can’t a man ever find his blankety-blank pipe in this house?

I’m sorry, Uncle Eben. Want me to look for it?

Uncle Eben: Food! I’m hungry.

So soon after dinner?

Grandma: He’s in a bad mood tonight.

Isn’t he always? Come out now, Malcolm.

Grandma: He’s an old man.

A very old man.

Malcolm: I understand he’s very rich.

So rich that he pays tax on his income tax.

Malcolm: It’s not fair!

What isn’t, dear heart?

Malcolm: All day long I stack money at the bank, and none of it mine. Sometimes I think I’ll go crazy!

Poor Malcolm.

Grandma: Don’t worry about money. Alice will be a rich girl some day.

Dear Grandma, let’s not talk about that.

Malcolm: We can’t help thinking about it, can we?

I suppose not.

Grandma: You know, I’m a bit hungry myself. Maybe you could fix me a nice cheese sandwich, Alice.

No, no, don’t ask me!

Malcolm: You’re afraid to go into the kitchen?

You know I am.

Malcolm: Harriet is near the breaking point.

Aren’t we all?

Malcolm: Sweet Alice, don’t cry.

I can’t stand having him around.

Malcolm: Surely he wouldn’t dare hurt you.

It isn’t what he does. It’s the way he looks at me with those staring eyes when I come up to him suddenly.

Malcolm: Ah, yes!

As if he knows that I’m afraid of him. As if he wants to frighten me.

Malcolm: My poor darling.

I heard him again last night.

Malcolm: Where?

In the hall outside my door. It was after midnight, and everyone else was asleep.

Malcolm: You’re— sure?

Oh, yes, I’m very sure. The door was open just a crack. I was terrified for fear he might come in.

Malcolm: How dreadful!

I tried to call out, but the scream froze in my throat. I lay there trembling till the dawn came. Then sleep overcame me, and I forgot my fear for a few blessed hours of oblivion.

Jake: Maybe I gotta think about it. (1.7)

Why Grandma, who is this?

Jake: That’s Jake with me. Jake with Jake— get it?

That man has a strange look.

Malcolm: And a wicked laugh.

What an odd friend for Grandma to have!

Malcolm: She’s such a sweet, gentle old lady.

An angel of mercy. She couldn’t even bear to hurt a mouse.

Malcolm: And yet I think she’s as upset about all this as we are.

Dear Grandma! She tries to be brave.

Malcolm: And so must you, sweet Alice. Try to forget about him.

Forget— when he seems to follow me everywhere I go?

Malcolm: You must be imagining that.

I didn’t imagine that he was outside my door last night.

Malcolm: I wish there was something I could do to help.

There is something.

Malcolm: Name it, sweet Alice.

You know, Malcolm.

Malcolm: You don’t mean that I should—?

Yes.

Malcolm: But— but— now, really!

You always say you love me.

Malcolm: Every beat of my heart is for you only.

You know I live in terror— terror— because he’s around.

Malcolm: But—but—

Malcolm, are you afraid?

Malcolm: Me, afraid?

Then why are you holding back?

Malcolm: I’m a little— squeamish about doing it. The poor devil, I guess maybe I even feel a little sorry for him.

You’re a coward!

Malcolm: No, I swear I’m not!

Never will I marry a coward. The choice is yours.

Malcolm: You’re asking me to— kill him?

I am.

Malcolm: When?

Now!

Malcolm: Let me think about it awhile. Maybe tomorrow.

The end must come tonight.

Malcolm: Give me just a few minutes more.

Must I take my courage in both hands and do it myself?

Featherstone: Excuse me, Miss.

Yes, Featherstone?

Malcolm: I’d make it well worth your while.

Malcolm, you promised me!

Grandma: I don’t care for scientific methods. A simple way is better.

Grandma, what are you talking about?

Jake: Leave everything to me, lady.

Malcolm, I’m waiting!

Malcolm: Alice, sweet Alice, let me hold her hand!

I can’t find you, Malcolm!

Featherstone: I say, everybody, don’t leave me alone in here!

Who just went out?

Featherstone: Ouch! Who stuck an elbow in my stomach?

What’s keeping Harriet?

Featherstone: I think it was closing, Madam.

I’m afraid! Malcolm protect me!

Malcolm: Alice, sweet Alice, come to me quickly!

Where are you, Malcolm?

Mrs. South: What kind of perfume do you use, dear?

It’s called “My Dream.”

Mrs. South: Malcolm’s in love with you, isn’t he?

Oh, yes.

Featherstone: I say, everybody, don’t leave me alone in here! (2nd)

Who just went out?

Featherstone: Ouch! Who stuck an elbow in my stomach? (2nd)

What’s keeping Harriet?

Featherstone: I think it was closing, Madam. (2nd)

I’m afraid! Malcolm, protect me!

Malcolm: Alice, sweet Alice, come to me quickly! (2nd)

Where are you, Malcolm?

Harriet: He’s dead!

At long last!

Grandma: I hope there’s no blood on the kitchen floor.

Oh, Uncle Eben!