Phase 4 Scene-Fabulation

First Line

You’re competing with heifers and amputees, rare palms and tuberculosis. What about the cause? Yes, I want to hear your thoughts, I am listening. Look, I’m at the outer limits of my time and so I’m going to ask you to speak more quickly. Bye-bye.

Hang up the phone.

Stephie, if Altrice calls back, tell her I’ve left for the day. (Excited) Oh and did Hervé call? Buzz me when he does. (Climbs onto the edge of her desk) And sweet pea, you know the rule: if you can’t get a celebrity, get me someone celebrity-like. Wait, I don’t understand what you’re saying. Get in here. 

Stephie enters

Jesus, how difficult is it? I’m just asking for someone slightly fabulous.

STEPHIE: Like?

Like the f*ck blond with the perky nipples. You know the one. She 's his-name’s girlfriend. You know.

STEPHIE: She’s an alcoholic, Undine.

So?

STEPHIE: She got sloppy drunk at the Wild Life benefit and puked on the buffet table.

I don’t care if she’s an alcoholic. As long as she can hold it together long enough for a photo-op. After that she can swim to Taiwan in booze for all I care.

STEPHIE: But-

Tell her it’s an open bar, that way she’ll get there on time.

STEPHIE: It…it doesn’t feel right.

Oh it doesn’t feel right? Visualize a job behind a counter, okay? How does that feel? Yeah, I thought so.

STEPHIE: Why are you being such a harpy this morning? You’re acting like, I don’t know a-

An employer? Oh please, back to the list my little hater!

STEPHIE: I’ve been through the list like four times, I’ve called absolutely everyone.

What about the contingency list?

STEPHIE: Done.

What about-

STEPHIE: She’s doing something with-

F*ck her, she hasn’t had a movie in two years, two years and I’m offering her free publicity.

STEPHIE: Sorry, I spoke to her myself and she’s like on some sort of spiritual-

Goddamn it, if I hear about one more celebrity on a spiritual journey I will…It’s okay, she’s closed that door. Let her go. So? How are we doing with our friends in the media?

The perennial from WBAI and some intern from Newsweek confirmed, and everybody else is wait and see. Like, no one cares about fallopian blockage. It isn’t exactly-

Hush! This is going to be fine. We’re okay, we have plenty of time. Call George, tell him Undine is cashing in her favor. I need someone up-and-coming, young, hip. Gangsterish enough to cause a stir, but not enough to cause a problem. And don’t let him weasel out. I don’t want New York Times hag-fest photos. Vibe. Vanity Fair. The V’s. Let’s mix and match a little bit, shake it up. Goddamn it, if we can’t find a celebrity, we’ll create a new one. What are you wearing (Stephie starts to respond) Good-bye!

STEPHIE: But-

Good-bye!

STEPHIE: Oh I forgot, your accountant’s waiting outside.

Oh God. What does he want? Give me a minute. (Stephie leaves) Send the little p*ssy in. (Richard enters) Richard. It’s little early in the day for a visit. Put away your business-school face. I’m not signing anything-

RICHARD: Why didn’t you tell me you and Hervé split?

Why? Because I only just found out. Apparently I was the last to know.

RICHARD: Jesus, I’m sorry, Undine-

You? (A moment) How do you think I felt when I woke up this morning and his closet was bare?

RICHARD: Yikes, how’d he manage that?

I don’t know, he took clothing to the dry cleaners every day. I didn’t question it. I just thought he had a compulsion to be clean. Little ferret. How was I to know that he was slowly sneaking out of my life, piece by piece.

RICHARD: Do you know where he is?

Uh…No, and frankly I don’t care.

RICHARD: Well, I wish you did.

We had dinner last night. I mean, we talked about redoing the living room in antique white. Stupid f*cker. He was actually attentive and warm-

RICHARD (Blurts out): And he was, well, he…Oooo…he was also slowly siphoning money out of your accounts.

Stephie, would you come back in?

RICHARD: Undine, did you hear what I said?

Sweet pea, will you have Jeremy run out and buy me some aspirin, a pregnancy-test kit. I also need a pair of panty hose, and tell that idiot that I don’t wear flesh tone or natural. I’m suntan or bronzed or cocoa. Oh yes, and I desperately need a triple café latte with no milk. Is that clear?

STEPHIE (Concerned): Are you all right? A little hateful today-

Embittered, sweet pea. It’s the difference between cyanide and nicotine. I’m waiting for my coffee. Pronto. That’s Italian for “do you job”!

STEPHIE: Is there anything else?

Stephie.

STEPHIE: Yes?

UNDINE: I love you. Good-bye

RICHARD: Undine, did you hear-

I don’t believe it. He’s a duplicitous conniving prick, but he’s not a thief. Lighten up, he probably just took a cruise to Saint Martin’s or moved the money into some mutual fund. He’ll resurface when he gets bored.

RICHARD: Saint Martin’s? I see. Shall I break it down for you? When you made your husband a cosignatory on all of your accounts, you essentially gave him the power to do whatever he wanted with your money. Which is exactly what has been done.

UNDINE: I’m sorry, my mind just went totally blank for a moment. Come again.

RICHARD: Undine, do you understand what I’m saying? He’s absconded with all of your money.

Absconded? That’s a very British word, Richard. You make it sound as if he’s not coming back.

RICHARD: I’m dead serious.

What?

STEPHIE: I have the caterer on line one. Your credit card, like, didn’t go through. Sorry.

Sweet pea, I can’t deal with this right now! Make it work.

STEPHIE: But-

Richard, how much are we talking about?

RICHARD: A lot.

What’s left?

STEPHIE: Uh, the caterer’s on the phone, um, like, she really needs to speak to you. What should I tell her?

Godd*mn it, why didn’t you do something?

RICHARD: He’s your husband. I did what you asked. I didn’t want to step-

But you’re my accountant. I mean, you’ve had dinner in my home. I bought a f*cking five-thousand-dollar table at your wife’s Blossom Buddy charity benefit. Good lord, I think we even got drunk once and made love in the men’s room at Balthazar.

RICHARD: Um, I know the timing is awful but, Undine, we’re going to have to consider bankruptcy. It's the only way to protect yourself. There isn't a stigma anymore.

What about that offer I had to sell to those bastards in Jersey?

I'm afraid that the bastards have rescinded their offer.

No. No. No. I don’t want to talk about bankruptcy. I've spent fourteen years building this company. That implies that somehow I failed. Let me tell you something, Mr. Harvard M.B.A. My ancestors came shackled in wooden ships, crossed the Atlantic with nothing but memories! Let's just say their journey brought me here—their pain, their struggle, established me behind this fine expensive teak desk And now you want me to declare bankruptcy, because that Argentine prince has run off with my money.

RICHARD: Well, yes.

I will do what it takes. I will beg and borrow—but damn it, I'm not giving up my business. That's what I have, this is what I am. I will meet this month's bill, and take it from there—

RICHARD: It's not that simple.

All right, Richard, then make it simple.

RICHARD: You're broke, Undine, you're one month away from—

Goddamn it, don't say it.

STEPHIE: Excuse me, but there's—

Why am I finding this out now?

STEPHIE: Uh—

What? What? What?

RICHARD: Um, there is one other thing.

Who the f*ck are you?

AGENT DUVA: Undine Barnes Call-es?

Calles.

AGENT DUVA (Dramatically): FRAUD!

Excuse me?

AGENT DUVA:…We are not quite sure who you are.

Give me a moment. Please. That means step outside.