Video Girl Foxtrot Lines

 Uh…, can you help me out for a sec? I’m looking for the address on this card? (he hands it to her) “Evil witch magic shop”?

You may find that you are already there! (evil cackle) (Does magic)

 Woah! I am already here! Was that… magic?

 Uh… Yes! Yes it was!

Whoa! That's incredible!

Yes, I’m very talented…. SO! What brings you to my shop of odds and ends…

You see, there's this… girl…

Ah! So it is a potion of love that you seek?

No, No. She already likes me.

No kidding, huh?

It’s just, you see… she isn't real.

 Ah! That makes more sense.

What?

 Nothing! Nothing… I may have something for you… (She reaches into her cauldron and brings out a necklace)

Whoa! What is that?

 It’s a necklace with a special power. Hold it to your heart, think deeply about what it is that you desire, and your wish, shall surely come true!

Slow down… what?

It's a necklace that grants wishes. (Dead pan)

Oh. Well, I didn’t mean to kill the theatrics. Just to slow down a little.

Sure, whatever man. (clears throat) Anything you desire can be made a reality with the power of this necklace. But do be warned; For your wish shall come true, no matter the cost!

(to AUDIENCE, ironic) Well, that could mean anything.

That’ll be 700 dollars

WHAT???

Listen man, Broom fuel is $4 a gallon. Do you want the necklace or not?

Yeah yeah, whatever. Here (begrudgingly hands over money)

 and here you are! (happily almost sing songy)  Just… BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Get Comfortable Ladies and gentlemen, Because TONIGHT WE HAVE AN ALL STAR CAST.

 The name’s foxtrot. “Danger” Foxtrot.

Your legal government name is danger?

My middle name. actually (hair flip, into aura farming pose)

Woof. Wow. That was a lot.

Is something the matter?

no, no. it’s not you. It’s nothing. Sorry. Hi

Hello there. I’ve come to your aid (smolder)

Wow… So, Um. Mr. Foxtrot, If I remember correctly? I uh. I’ve seen you around the T.V.. Obviously, But uh, We’ve never really had a chance to chat!

This is true. I’ve been so occupied with my battles against the Soviet Union , that I neglected the beauty that laid before my very eyes.

So. I’ve gotta ask. I know you’re like… Secret agent and all… and I know you don’t Usually do this, but I’ve been DYING to know. What’s… (leans across the table)  What’s your real name?

Asking a secret agent for his real name on the first date… How bold…

And you don’t have to tell me if you-

 No. It’s okay. 

Oh. Yay!

Listen, and  listen closely, beautiful damsel. My name, is none other than… 

(dramatic pause). 

Danger.

I thought that was your middle name

(Both are out of character)

It is.

What?

yeah. Danger is my middle name.

Well, yeah, but you said it was your first name just now

no, right, it is.

 Hold on. Sorry, I’m a little confused-

yeah. What’s up?

So is it your last name? Or-

what, foxtrot?

no, danger.

yeah, what’s up?

no, no I’m not like saying your name I’m asking you like a question

oh. Oh my bad. What were you asking?

 I’m asking if danger is your first name or your last name

No, Foxtrot is my last name.

I thought it was danger?

STOP. Stop. Let’s just start over.

okay

okay. what is your question.

 is danger your first or last name.

No no, okay, so. Danger is my MIDDLE NAME

Okay. Yes. I’m following so far. Danger is your middle name.

danger is also my first name

wait, it’s both?

Yes. Danger is both my first and middle name.

and your last name is foxtrot.

correct.

Danger, danger foxtrot

there you go. That wasn’t too hard. Was it?

Your name is “DANGER DANGER FOXTROT?”

I don’t see the problem.

Snicker

Your expression indicates that you are amused. Is something “Funny” damsel?

Sorry. Sorry. It’s just that. snicker Your name is kind of funny.

Funny?

Yeah.

FUNNY?

Uh. Kinda. (LOL)

I have toppled. 11 REGIMES OF RUSSIAN TERRORISM. I HAVE DISMANTLED HUNDREDS OF EVIL SCHEMES. CROOKS WET THEIR PANTS AT THE THOUGHT OF ME. THE CRIME RATE QUINTUPLES when I go on my 30 minute break, and then CUTS BACK DOWN WHEN I RETURN. I HAVE 7 MEDALS OF HONOR, 5 PURPLE HEARTS, 3 LOVE INTERESTS, AND ONE BADASS THEME SONG. The scum of the earth QUIVER. At the name: DANGER DANGER DAGGER STABBER KICK ASS KUNG FU KARATE CIPHER ULTRA FIRE THUNDER FOXTROT (Hold the pose) 

Foxtrot, I, uh… Listen. It was fun, but I don’t know if I-

Fear not damsel, for I am emotionally mature. I lost my composure and I understand that you may not feel comfortable around someone with such a short temper, for outbursts of emotion can unintentionally harm ones romantic partner even if it isn’t directed at them. I hope that you may someday find a -preferably attractive- lover who speaks the same language as your very soul. But for now, I must leave you, Duty calls.