Adv Drama Play 2026

NARRATOR 1: Now—as I was saying, we’ve all seen the reports of the inevitable upcoming zombie apocalypse. It’s only a matter of time folks. Now—

(To NARRATOR 1:) Stop there. Stop there. We all know that there’s no such thing as zombies. They’re imaginary, just like Britney Spears.

NARRATOR 1: Really? Is that why the government spent 10 million dollars preparing for it?

Huh. Seriously?

NARRATOR 1: Yep. True fact. And do you think our federal government would squander hard-earned tax dollars from all of these loyal citizens without a very good reason?

Wow. You’ve got a point there. I don’t think it’s possible that the government would ever waste money. I guess you’re right. Hey where do you get one of those rodent strings?

NARRATOR 1: They make them in China.

Great.

NARRATOR 1: Really good to snack on when you’re feeling peckish.

Awesome.

NARRATOR 1: Now as I was saying—we’re here to present a public service to you, the audience. How to survive when civilization collapses and the animated corpses of your neighbors try to hunt you down and devour your sweet warm living flesh.

Makes a great gift for Christmas! Hey so where are these zombies coming from anyway?

NARRATOR 1: Global warming.

Makes sense.

NARRATOR 1: Ding!

I feel a little sick there.

NARRATOR 1: And that’s what leadership is all about. Making tough choices. Moral of the story: Don’t twist your ankle.

NARRATOR 2: I don’t know that Jimmy was a very good leader there—

NARRATOR 1: And moving on! Method Number 2: Trick the Zombies!

How do you trick Zombies?

NARRATOR 1: Ding!

That was clever.

NARRATOR 1: Yeah. You’d think that wouldn’t work since they don’t actually have working brains, but you never know.

I think we need to fight them zombies.

NARRATOR 1: Spoken like a true girl. How can you fight them when it’s impossible?

Method Three: Overwhelming Firepower!

JIMMY: Well dang it.

Ding!

NARRATOR 1: Now I know what you’re thinking: What if we don’t manage to find a secret supply of experimental high-powered weapons the government hasn’t been telling us about?

What are the odds of that happening?

NARRATOR 1: Pretty slim, but still. You might just need another option.

Method Four: Join the Zombies!

SUSAN: Braiiins

Ding!

NARRATOR 1: Man what I wouldn’t give to have zombies descend on my girlfriend/boyfriend during one of our arguments!

You’re lying.

NARRATOR 1: You’re right I don’t have a girlfriend/boyfriend. I will be taking applications after the show though.

Not gonna happen.

Remember girls/boys—when society breaks down you’re gonna need somebody to help with food preparation. I got two years experience at Burger King. All I’m saying: Think about it.

Moving on!

NARRATOR 1: Method Five! Raise Genetically Modified Killer Dogs Which Can Attack and Destroy Zombies!

Seriously?

NARRATOR 1: Ding!

Well that was realistic.

NARRATOR 1: Remember out there: it’s never too early to begin training your Chihuahuas.

Which brings us to Method Six: Kung Fu!

NARRATOR 1: I don’t think that’s really going to work

Oh it’ll work. It’s Kung Fu.

NARRATOR 1: Ding!

Who knew that those three weeks in karate class would come in so handy?

NARRATOR 1: Physical combat not recommended for people with heart conditions, who are taking blood pressure medication, or if you’re a bleeder.

Which brings us to Method 7! Reason with them!

NARRATOR 1: Reason with them? I thought they didn’t have brains.

Watch.

NARRATOR 1: Ding!

Wow. And that’s the only scenario in which I can imagine an English major will come in handy.

NARRATOR 1: Make sure to befriend one today!

Which brings us to our eigth method!

NARRATOR 1: Romance the Zombies!

Romance the Zombies?

NARRATOR 1: This is not the ideal method. I mean, if you’ve exhausted the other seven, then go ahead, but otherwise, I would recommend against method eight.

Again—Method Eight: Not the best method.

NARRATOR 1: Ding!

I’m surprised that works seeing as how the zombies are brainless, soulless killing machines.

NARRATOR 1: You don’t need a brain to fall in love.

So true.

All right—time for Method 9. Run really fast! Ding!

That’s it?

NARRATOR 1: What? You just run away. Seems logical.

You can’t do that!

NARRATOR 1: Fine. Method 9: Don’t fall down when you run really fast! Ding!

Really? Don’t fall down?

NARRATOR 1: That seems to be the key.

What if you get tired? What if you’re totally out of shape? What if you’re just lazy?

NARRATOR 1: Then you become food for zombies what do you want?

I AM LOOKING FOR A WAY TO SURVIVE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WITH AN ABSOLUTE MINIMUM AMOUNT OF EFFORT ON MY PART!

SUSAN: Well…what do we do now?

Bonus Method 11! Cannibalism!

NARRATOR 1: Help! I’m too pretty to die!

Eat him first! He’s Italian!

NARRATOR 1: Bonus Method 12! Leave the Play! That’s right. You heard me. There are no zombies.

Are you telling me that the government has been wasting taxpayer money preparing for this? That’s preposterous!

SUSAN: Just walk away.

And we'll forget this whole thing happened.

NARRATOR 1: Got it.

(Very quickly:) And-then-the-zombies-ate-them!

NARRATOR 1: Ha ha ha suckers! Never trust the narrators! We’re like the media!

And the moral of the story is: There is no survival. You are doomed. Make peace with your inevitable fate and accept the—

NARRATOR 1: No no no. There is one more way. Totally foolproof.

What’s that?

NARRATOR 1: Love.

Love?

NARRATOR 1: That’s right. If we all just love each other, and believe in peace, humanity will be just fine.

And also destroy the scientists working on potential zombie-causing plagues.

NARRATOR 1: That’s a given.

…yeah.

NARRATOR 1: So if I was the last guy on earth—

I’d date the zombies.