The Memory of Water

Intro monologue

God, it’s bloody freezing out there. it’s like Scott of the Antartic, the cab was sliding all over the place and I had one of those drivers who kept saying, have you been shopping, are you going somewhere nice? And i said yes, actually, a funeral. My mother’s. I thoght, that’ll shut him up, but it turns out he knew her. I forgot what it’s like up here. everyone knows the butcher’s daughters husbands mother’s cat. And he got all upset we had to pull over, so anyway, i invited him to the funeral. He’s called Dougie. I bet he doesn’t come. Oh God, i’ve got this really weird pain right at the bottom of my stomach, here, look, just above my pubic bone. It keeps going sort of stab, twist, so either i’ve got some sort of cyst, but actually, God, I know what it is I bet. I bet I’m ovulating. isn’t that amazing? I can actually feel the egg being released. Although hang on I don’t think I’m due to ovulate, you can’t ovulate twice in the same month can you? It’s not my appendix cos i haven’t got one. Fuck, it must be PMT. in which case I think I’ve got an ovarian cyst.

TERESA he was showing us pictures of coffins

MARY as they do

(Off) Hi!

D'you want us to take you to hospital or shall I whip it out now on the kitchen table

I'll be fine

Good bc I'm over the limit for either activity

Oh brilliant whiskey

where've you been?

shopping

shopping?

well, you'd call it a displacement activity, but I'd call it shopping

TERESA All night?

I went for a drink, I stayed with some friends

TERESA What friends?

you don't know them. Oh, God there it goes again. have you ever had this? Right here. Right at the bottom of your stomach?

TERESA No.

what d'you think it is?

MARY I've no idea.

TERESA We've been worried sick.

Look, just here-

MARY Wind.

Do any of your patients actually survive

TERESA You could have picked up a phone. I mean, where've you been?

down the docks shagging sailors, what d'you think?

MARY I'd have come with you if I'd known.

TERESA It's just a bit insensitive-

MARY Yes it is. There's a time and a place for everything-

TERESA Disappearing, leaving us to deal with all this-

all what? d’you like my shoes? I can’t stop buying shoes, I even like the smell of them. honestly, it’s just like an eating disorder except it’s not it’s just shoes although sometimes its underwear, d’you ever get that you have to buy 20 pairs of knickers all at once, usually when you’re a bit depressed-

TERESA You can't wear those for a funeral. You look like James Charles.

I didn't buy them for the funeral

MARY I remember them the first time round. They were horrible then.

I got them in a sale

MARY Oh well. That's some consolation.

what's wrong with them?

TERESA I thought you didn't have any money.

credit cards. what's wrong with them?

TERESA You said you were broke.

Oh for God’s sake, broke doesn’t mean you can’t buy things, I’m trying to cheer myself up or is that not allowed? The minute I walk in the door I feel it in the waves, the two of you waiting to pounce, looking for something to criticise. Christ, it’s no wonder I’ve got low self esteem.

MARY You have an ego the size of Asia.

I’m just asking you to clarify your position vis-a-vis my shoes. I mean quite obviously you don’t like them but why d’you always have to do the sneery superior thing, why can’t you just be straight and say you hate them

MARY I hate them. Can I go back to sleep now?

TERESA I'm just wondering how you can afford to go out and buy all this stuff if you haven't got any money.

MARY She shoplifts.

will someone tell me what I'm supposed to have done?

MARY It was a joke.

so, all right, I know, mum’s dead-

TERESA There's no need to put it like that-

but you want me to sit down and cry about it and I can’t

MARY I don't. I want you to go away.

you always do this to me

MARY I'm tired.

some of the things you say to me are just, you know, not on. It’s like I don’t count, all my bloody life and im not having it anymore, i won’t take it anymore, OK?

TERESA have you been taking drugs Catherine?

Oh for God’s sake, I was in a really good mood till i walked in here.

TERESA your mother's just died how can you be in a good mood? Try and be a bit more sensitive-

No one’s being sensitive to me

We fucking are!

Did Xavier call?

who?

Xavier

MARY I thought he was called Pepe?

you see this is what you do to me, this permanent, constant, endless belittling

TERESA He didn’t call.

I’m about to marry him and you can’t even get his name right

MARY You’re always about to marry people.

What’s that supposed to mean?

MARY And you never do.

TERESA Oh shut up, both of you.

If I don’t get some painkillers I’m going to die.

MARY There might be some paracetamol in my case.

Haven’t you got something more exotic?

MARY Not for you, no. They’re in the pocket. Now, will you both go away and let me get some sleep?

TERESA Would anyone like some Barley Cup?

I’d rather drink my own urine

MARY You may laugh.

TERESA I do not drink my own urine.

MARY Yet.

haven’t we got any ordinary tea?

TERESA There are things to do.

MARY They can wait.

I’m going to have a hot bath and a joint. I can’t stand this

TERESA I know it’s psychosomatic. I know it is, all right. I’d just like it to stop, that’s all.

more fan mail

MARY I thought you’d gone for a bath to soothe your cyst.

There’s not enough water. so, it’s still sort of stinging, I wish it would stop-

she goes to her carrier bags and takes out various pieces of clothing. She opens the wardrobe door, holds them up against herself in front of the mirror

I think it’s the stress, I mean it’s an incredibly stressful time isn’t it and i always get like this when I’m strung out. Last year I had that thing with my leg it was sort of restless or jumpy or something. Everytime I tried to sleep it would sort of jump and hop. The doctor in Spain said it was quite common and I just needed to relax but I can’t, I have an incredibly fast metabolism and then I get that spasm thing in my stomach which is definately stress related, I’m sure it’s irritable bowel syndrome. I mean, that starts up the minute I’m even a tiny bit tense, I notice it straight away because I’m very in touch with my body, I can sort of hear it speaking to me.

TERESA I think I’m going mad.

Last night I dreamed I could do yogic flying, I bet that means something

tugs at blazer

I’m not sure about this are you? I don’t suit black, that’s the problem.

TERESA As soon as the phone went I knew.

Can you wear trousers to a funeral?

TERESA That’s why I didn’t phone straight away. Mimi used to live three doors down.

Can I borrow a skirt from someone?

TERESA I keep going over and over it–

is anyone listening to me?

[…] They’re not like us, his family, they’ve got Italian blood. Someone dies, they cry. They don’t get confused and laugh.

All i want to know is, can I borrow a skirt?

MARY Oh shut up, Catherine, for Christ’s sake!

If I could get an answer from anyone, I would-

MARY Yes, you can borrow a fucking skirt!

TERESA goes to her bag and takes out a bottle of pills. She takes two

What are they?

TERESA Nerve tablets. Have one, for heaven’s sake. Have six. Have the lot. They’re completely organic, no chemicals.

I like chemicals

You do this deliberately, you wilfully misinterpret what we do because you think it’s funny or something, and actually I’m getting bored with it.

You’re making me incredibly tense, both of you.

rolls joint

TERESA I had it a minute ago, I had it–

offer Teresa joint

TERESA No, thank you.

MARY Maybe you should.

Its completely organic. We grew it in the garden

Teresa takes a puff

You know when you went to the hospital. When she was dead

TERESA Mmmm…?

Did you see her?

TERESA Mum? Of course I did.

How did she look?

TERESA Asleep. She just looked asleep.

takes joint back

Oh, good.

Goes to bed

TERESA It’s got the list on it. My organiser’s got the list on it.

“My thoughts are with you at this sad time. Your mother was a wonder woman. Michael Bromfield.” Michael Bromfield?

MARY Who’s he? And what does he mean ‘wonder woman’?

TERESA I don’t know. He’s got an allotment.

I’m starving, is anyone else hungry?

MARY Maybe they were having an affair.

Munch munch munch, I really want some shreddies. Have we got any shreddies do you think?

TERESA Well, you two managed to avoid it pretty comprehensively when it came to Mum. Most of the time you weren’t even here.

MARY Great. The guilt fest. I knew we’d get there eventually.

it’s not good trying to make me feel guilty because I don’t

TERESA I didn’t think for a moment you would.

You’s like me to though, and I won’t, I refuse. I’ve nothing to feel guilty about at all. I didn’t like her.

MARY Who?

Mum

TERESA Don’t be ridiculous.

She didn’t like me

MARY Yes she did.

How do you know?

TERESA She was your mother.

I had a horrible childhood

TERESA We all had the same childhood. It wasn’t horrible.

mine was

MARY That’s because you’re an egomaniac.

She thought it was the menopause

MARY Who told you that?

She did. She had the cat put down without telling me. She shut me in a cupboard. She said it was an accident but it wasn’t

MARY When did she do all this?

I never had the right shoes. She wouldn’t let me visit you in the hospital when you had an exploding appendix. She did it deliberately. She excluded me from everything. She made me stay in the shop after closing time and count nails.

MARY When I think of our childhood, we went on a lot of bike rides and it was always sunny.

TERESA Well, it was for you. You couldn’t put a foot wrong.

When I think of it, it was always pissing down. And what bike? I never had one.

TERESA I’m sure you came to the beach with us, I remember it–

The only time I went to the beach it was with you and you left me there, you forgot me. You didn’t remember till you got home and Mum said, “Where’s Catherine?”

TERESA That was Mary. She was too young, she was being a pain and showing off in Esperanto, so we ran away and left her. With no bus fare and the tide coming in.

It was me!

MARY No it wasn’t. It was me.

So how come I remmeber it?

MARY Because I told you about it and you appropriated it because it fits. It was horrible, it must have happened to you. And she didn’t have the cat put down, it just died.

TERESA It got run over by a combine harvester actually.

I don’t remember any of this

TERESA The amount of chemicals you’ve had through your system, I’m surprised you can remember anything at all

You did leave me at the beach. Someone left me at the beach. I rememeber it vividly. i’ve got a brilliant memory. I remember everything.

TERESA You’ve forgotten Lucy’s birthday every year since she was born–

Everything important…

Actually, Catherine, maybe you should come in for a few tests.

You’re doing it again

TERESA I’ve found it. I’ve finally found my list.

She consults her gadget.

Insurance– undertakers 10.30, bridge rolls– I think there’s just the flowers left–

Do we have to do this now?

TERESA Because while you were doing Spanish dancing with Pepe in Fuengirola–

His name’s Xavier and I’ve never been to Fuengirola in my life-

TERESA I was watching her fall apart. Twenty miles here, twenty miles back. Three times a week.

I spoke to her a week ago. She wasn’t that bad. She said she was off to the hairdresser’s

MARY Choosing flowers for your mother’s funeral is not what I’d call a neutral activity.

The phone rings. TERESA and MARY both make a grab for it. MARY wins.

MARY Hello? … Hello?

Is it Xavier?

TERESA grabs the receiver.

TERESA Frank?

It’ll be Xavier

MARY Mike?

The line goes dead. She puts the receiver down. Silence.

It’s like waiting for Catherine to get sober.

Silence.

Does anyone want a sandwich?

MARY gets out of bed and rifles through her suitcase for clothes. CATHERINE begins to go.

I went to this brilliant funeral in Madrid-

She goes out.

MARY Brilliant. You went to a brilliant funeral.

(off) He was a friend of Xavier’s who fell off a roff and at the party afterwards they had little bowls of cocaine-

MARY Oh, what a good idea. That’ll go down well with the St Vincent de Paul Society.

(off) And they dyed his poodle black. Just for the funeral. It was washable dye so it wasn’t cruel, but anyways, it was rainig and God, you should have seen the state of the carpets afterwards. So that was a bit of a distance, but later on there was a firework display and he went up in a rocket.

MARY Who?

(off) The person who was dead. Not the poodle

MARY We’re not doing that to Mum.

CATHERINE reappears in the doorway carrying a baguette.

CATHERINE I’m just saying that funerals don’t have to be depressing. They can be quite happy.

MARY Farcical even.

CATHERINE Scrambled eggs. That’s what I want. I bet we haven’t got any eggs-

Exit CATHERINE.

MIKE sorry?

TERESA Are you sure?

Catherine appears, eating a sandwich and smoking another joint. She had a glass in her hand.

Who’s this?

MARY Mike, this is Catherine l. Catherine, this is Mike

MIKE sorry, can’t speak. Frozen

Mike the married boyfriend Mike?

TERESA Would you like a cup of tea?

You don’t look a bit like you do on the television. You’re quite small really aren’t you?

MIKE people say this to me all the time, but I’m not actually

Mind you, you’d never think Daniel Radcliffe was only five foot five, would you?

MARY snatches the glass from catherine

MARY give me that

They always do this to me. So, how tall are you?

I’m five nine

Don’t be ridiculous, I don’t believe you

TERESA Catherine…

Sorry, would you like some drugs

Are you not allowed

MARY He doesn’t. Come here, sit down.

MIKE I think I’ve got frostbite

I won’t tell anyone. Or I’ll say you did but you didn’t inhale.

I’m sorry?

That’s what celebrities usually say

MARY he’s not a celebrity, he’s a doctor

I saw your programme yesterday. That woman with the psoriasis. God. I thought you were really good.

Thank you-

But you don’t want to be caught with a joint in you hand, do you? On top of everything else. You can’t be a drug addict and be having an affair. Can you imagine the papers? ‘TV Doctor blew my mind says hospital consultant’-

MARY catherine, you’re off your face-

TERESA why don’t you come with me and make some tea for everyone?

Our mothers just died.

I know. I’m very sorry.

Bursts into tears

MARY I’m sorry about this, Mike. Catherine stop it-

God is no one allowed to show their feelings around here? I’m depressed, I’ve suffered a bereavement, it’s normal to cry, for gods sake-

MARY Go away, stop doing this-

MIKE it’s OK, it’s OK, she’s allowed to be unhappy-

You see? It’s only you two who are weird, you don’t know what it’s like-

TERESA that’s it I’m getting a gun.

Catherine throws herself on the bed and howls

We’re orphans…

And I’m the youngest, I had them for less time than everyone else did…