Reading Quiz 5 Couples Counseling

___ is an important part of a long-term relationship for most

sex

Many couples live without sex, which is

not good for a long-term relationship

Going without sex

most do it because something has died over time

probably a problem. usually for one member - this disparity can cause problems

Uncertainty

Perel thinks we can bring in different types of uncertainty

Won't get same excitement as earlier in the relationship, but we can breed excitement in different ways that don't involve instability

Need for stability

people look for stability in their partner that they didn't before, as people don't get the support institutions and community used to provide

predictability leads to

security

scripts and long-term relationships

following a script impairs excitement (see in LT relationships)

can shift behavior to make relationship more exciting

Benefits of seperateness

seperateness is necessary for connection

fusion leads to a sense of obligation (heavy and not exciting)

sexual fulfillment takes selfishness

Sexual fulfillment takes

selfishness

selfishness

- need to put own needs first sometimes

- ability to advocate

- stigma when women assert themselves

Modern marriage

emphasis on intimacy (talking, sharing emotions)

- expect more intimacy, things are not just about the financial (before there was a financial need to stay in a relationship (sexual, financial, and kids), no expectation of emotional intimacy

- This shift is not what people observed growing up

gender role socialization

men were socialized to not talk about their feelings and are then expected to do so in a relationship. Women are socialized to talk about feelings

forced reciprocity

Forced reciprocity is not intimacy

- Before, there was a focus on skills-based therapy. This forcing only creates the illusion of intimacy by forcing interactions

- Communication has to come from an authentic place

- When one has high needs and the other has low needs, try to help move to the middle of needs

- If compromise is not authentic/genuine, it will not persist

takeaway from perel lecture

Distance breeds desire

Novelty breeds desire

Imagination important to sex/desire/eroticism

what is key to sexuality

power

BDSM

term capturing erotic practices between consenting adults

Bondage, Discipline

Dominance, submission

Sadism, Masochism

tabboos

sometimes things that turn people on are not socially acceptable

- BDSM is healthy

- practices have to do with power

- consent is involved

aggression

aggression is the shadow side of love. the ability to show aggression/power is a healthy part of eroticism

stigma

stigma leads people to carry desires they're scared of sharing

- scary to share with partner because they don't want to ruin the relationship; some are more comfortable sharing with a hookup than a long-term partner

- Fear of judgment

- Being comfortable with this leads to more satisfying sex

focus on function and goal

•Focus is on orgasm, rather than pleasure

performance focus stigles enjoyment

reconciling

desire involves reconciling

- freedom and commitment

- balance, separating and coming back

cultural messages about sex

fear-based tactics - dirty, STD talk

family values, monogamy

sexual freedom (not talk about how sex can be enjoyable)

hypersexuality (porn deemed problematic)

erotic blueprints

how we experience pleasure is tied to childhood and what we're taught is acceptable

- perel argues if you grow up with a rigid view of what is acceptable, this can be stifling and make you feel like sex has to look a certain way. people thinking there's something wrong with what they want is damaging

erotic intimacy necessitates

generosity and self centeredness (focus on own and partner's needs)

focus on self without guilt or shame

changing blueprints

Blueprints can change; healthy to get to a space that aligns with blueprint and makes you feel good

goal - blueprints

Loving another without losing ourselves

impact of parethood

kids bring stability and predictability - may stifle eroticism

partner may get needs met by kids - fun, excitement, connection, meaning

parenthoods and sex

need for planning - seen as intention

de-sexualization of motherhood

perel's work - see maternal partner as sexual, invite partner to seduce

sexual fantasy

any mental activity that generates desire

part of healthy sexuality

what sexual needs/fantasy tells us

gives insight into fears or longings

sharing sexual needs and fantasy

Often not shared with partner due to shame or fear of judgment

rethinking fidelity

partners define boundaries

emphasis on fidelity and monogamy - dangers of checking

should affairs be disclosed to partner?

the third

commitment depends on the presence of "the third" - acknowledgement brings honesty and affirms choice

"Monogamy is a choice, not a given."

Questions about consensual non-monogamy

•Is emotional commitment always bound to sexual exclusivity?

•Can you love more than one person at the same time?

•Is jealousy an expression of love or insecurity?

Consentual non-monogamy model

Emotional exclusivity

Sexual freedom with agreed-upon boundaries

Why does sexual excitement fade in marriages?

Availability may thwart desire

Increased engagement increases enjoyment (e.g., tennis)

Married vs erotic sex

Married sex: expresses love, appropriate

Erotic sex: seeking fun, seductive, objectifying, playful

eroticism becomes riskier

Myth of Spontaneity

expectations of spontaneity

planning for sex - making it intentional, anticipation

overall: Why does sexual excitement fade in marriages?

Availability

Eroticism

Spontaneity versus intention