kennedy lines

enter

Hello, Friends! In today’s special episode, we’re taking you all the way across the dangerous atlantic ocean to visit our friends in The United States of America! Can you spell America with me? Let’s try it!!

SLIDE: On a projector behind COMRADE RAJCHELNOVA, a big, ms.rachel-y display writes PIGS (russian translations under each display) 

COMRADE RAJCHELNOVA: P, I, G, S  America! Nice job boys and girls! Today’s episode is about a little known family named: The Kennedys. Let’s spell Kennedy!

NEXT SLIDE: writes PIGS

COMRADE RAJCHELNOVA: Good job friends!! Let’s try some more!! Let’s spell capitalist!

NEXT SLIDE: PIGS

How about NATO? 

NEXT SLIDE: PIGS

YAY! You see children, spelling is very easy in America! Today, we are going to learn about how the Kennedys always get what they deserve! And what do they deserve, boys and girls? 

NEXT SLIDE: VIOLENT, PAINFUL, CONSTANT DEATH

COMRADE RAJCHELNOVA: Our first Kennedy is named Rosemary. Let’s all clap for Rosemary! 

rose reenters lobotomized

COMRADE RAJCHELNOVA: YAY!!! Lobotomy!! Can you say lobotomy?? Let’s say it together! Lobotomy! With this simple medical procedure, even Rosemary can attain the average intelligence of an American capitalist! Bye Rosie!

JFK and JACKIE enter

COMRADE RAJCHELNOVA: Our next special Kennedy is one you might know! His name is J and ends in FK! Hi JFK!!! JFK has said many mean things about us. It’s mind-blowing how many things he got wrong!

JFK and JACKIE exit

COMRADE RAJCHELNOVA: Consequently, during the few hours JFK spent in his coma, he became the most intelligent president america has ever seen!

Now friends, we’re gonna go back to Jackie’s high school days, which occurred shortly after the assasination of her husband! 

JACKIE screams and why mees

COMRADE RAJCHELNOVA: Yippeeeee!! Now, let’s move to a favorite pastime of the Kennedys. Due to inferior American technology, the Kennedys loved dying gruesome deaths, plummeting from the sky in a fiery blaze of karmic pain. YAYYYY!!!!!!

planes crash

COMRADE RAJCHELNOVA: YAYYYY!! Wasn’t that a blast! wink We have not seen such amazing American pilotry since the bay of pigs!

Although our next friend doesn’t bear the Kennedy name, she qualifies, due to the high concentration of JFK’s DNA found at her autopsy! wink Let’s give a cold soviet welcome to Marilyn Monroe!!

marilyn is dragged offstage

COMRADE RAJCHELNOVA: Wasn’t this fun? Before we all go night night we have one more Kennedy to introduce. This Kennedy is only 15 years old! However, using superior Russian time travel technology, we were able to take a peek into his bright future. 

bear eats RFK jr

Hello Friends! Can you spell America??

P I G S