Judith Lines

No, but I think it’s killed Grandmama. (Pokes GRANDMAMA with his foot.) See? She’s dead.

Oh, for heaven’s sake, Russell. Grandmama isn’t dead. She’s only sleeping.

I don’t hear her snoring.

That’s how you know she’s sleeping.

That’s right. She didn’t even show up for her own wedding.

You know she had a perfectly good reason for that.

I rest my case.

Would you two stop bickering? I swear, it’s like you two never grew up.

But you know, at least I made my own way in the world.

I knew she couldn’t do it.

They were hardly handouts, Pansy. I managed his entire publishing empire. I’m the one who negotiated his contracts. I’m the one who set up his tours and booked him on all the talk shows. If anyone deserves the bulk of his estate, it’s me.

Publishing! Why, that’s nothing. Don’t forget, I edited every one of Father’s books. It was my insightful guidance and my loving attention to detail that allowed him to crank out so many mystery novels over the years.

I emptied his wastebasket. (Beat.) Once.

That’s only because you thought you saw a quarter at the bottom.

Read on, Macduff.

Yes, let’s hear the good news.

Are you sure? They do get rather personal.

Yes, of course! You must read them.

All right. You asked for it. (Reads.) “Let me start with Gerald, my first-born child. You were blessed with a sharp mind and an observant eye, always seeing things nobody else saw. You could have been a great scientist or engineer. Instead, you became an accountant, learning how to cook the books so that you could steal from me without my finding out. Well, I found out.”All right. You asked for it. (Reads.) “Let me start with Gerald, my first-born child. You were blessed with a sharp mind and an observant eye, always seeing things nobody else saw. You could have been a great scientist or engineer. Instead, you became an accountant, learning how to cook the books so that you could steal from me without my finding out. Well, I found out.”

Is this true, Gerald?

So much for your “insightful guidance.”

Oh, shut up.

I’ve heard worse.

Wait, he didn’t mention Grandmama.

Excuse me?

What does he mean, a puzzle?

That may be. However, it’s also the law.

Are there any clues about the treasure? Where it might be located or what form it might take?

I can assure you I have no interest in Mr. Pembroke’s wealth. It was honor enough to serve him for so many years.

Good man, Hobson.

Oh, I don’t know if I’d go that far.

Did you actually read it, Lorraine? It was brutal.

No need, Hobson. I know the way. And I won’t be back! (EXITS UPSTAGE.)

(To RUSSELL.) Well! That was rather abrupt!

You’re right. That would be too much work as well.

Even if I had the inclination to look for the treasure, I don’t have time to dig through every room in this house. I’ve got Father’s last book to edit.

And it’s been so long since I’ve stepped foot in this place, I wouldn’t know where to start.

(Sighs.) I suppose Father’s treasure will just stay here then, undiscovered...

He’s not going for cereal, is he?

Oh, no. He’s going to look for the treasure. (Goes to GRANDMAMA.) Well, good night, all. I’m going to put Grandmama to bed.

I’ll take care of it, ma’am.

It’s quite all right, Hobson. I like to do it.

If it’s all right with you then, ma’am, I shall retire to my quarters for the evening.

Of course, Hobson. We’ll see you in the morning. (HOBSON EXITS LEFT. JUDITH helps groggy GRANDMAMA to her feet.) Come along, Grandmama. It’s time for bed.

But I don’t want to go to bed!

Sure you do. You were sound asleep on the sofa just now.

(Sneaks ON LEFT and looks around.) Well, it’s about time! I thought they’d never leave! Now let’s approach this logically— there are twenty-six rooms in this house. In which would Father have hidden the treasure? Here? No, this room is too obvious. His bedroom? No, there aren’t enough hiding places there... I know! It must be in Father’s library. There are a ton of hiding places there! (EXITS RIGHT.)

(Sneaks ON RIGHT and looks around.) Now think, Judith... Father must have left a clue to the treasure in one of his books. But which book? The Boarding House Murders? No. He wrote that one years ago, long before he thought of any treasure. The Darkest Shadow? No. There weren’t any hidden objects in that book. I’ve got it! The Mystery at Foggy Point! The killer hid the knife inside his pillow. That must be where Father hid the treasure, in his pillow! (EXITS LEFT. A moment later, RUSSELL ENTERS LEFT, eating from a box of cereal. He EXITS RIGHT without a word.)

(Shouts.) Oh, please shut up!

(ENTERS LEFT.) For heaven’s sake, Hobson. Keep it down! Grandmama’s trying to sleep.

I’m sorry, ma’am, but— Wait a moment. Grandmama’s bedroom is on the opposite side of the house. (Points RIGHT.)

Huh? Oh, yes. She asked me to bring her a glass of water.

But you don’t have a glass of water.

Well, no. I– I haven’t had time to get it yet because of your yelling! Now what were you going on about?

I’m very sorry, ma’am, but have you seen the master of the house?

No, I— (Finally notices SUPERFANS.) Excuse me, who are these people?

They’re fans of the late Mr. Pembroke, ma’am. They intend to stay the night.

Oh, no. No, no, no! They can’t stay here! What if they find the T-R-E-A-S-U-R-E?

With all due respect, ma’am, I thought you weren’t interested in the T-R-E-A-S-U-R-E?

I’m not! But I certainly don’t want them to find the T-R-E-A-S-U-R-E.

Isn’t it cute, George? They’re speaking in some sort of code.

(To HARRIET and GEORGE.) It’s been very nice meeting the two of you, but now you must allow Hobson to show you the door.

A true portal of pulchritude.

(Calls OFF LEFT.) Oh! Gerald!

We have to find him!

I’ll tell you what... (Points OFF LEFT.) ...you take that wing... (Points OFF RIGHT.) ...I’ll take this one.

(Calls OFF LEFT.) Oh, Mr. Pembroke! (EXITS LEFT.)

(Calls OFF RIGHT.) Hallo, Gerald! (EXITS RIGHT.)

(Stuffs both sacks behind the sofa cushions.) Ha-ha! She don’t need to know about these.

(ENTERS RIGHT and screams.) What are you doing in our house?

(To JUDITH.) Hi, I’m Katie Wong from Eyewitness News—

I know who you are. What I don’t know is what you’re doing in my house.

Your house? (Gestures behind her.) But these gentlemen said this was their house.

You mean the gentlemen who just snuck out?

Oh, for heaven’s sake! If I’d wanted to work up a sweat, I would have taken a job as an Olympic athlete! (EXITS LEFT.)

(Calls after them.) I didn’t give you permission to be here, you know! (PANSY and ABIGAIL ENTER LEFT. PANSY has the flashlight.)

Oh! Judith! You’re still awake.

Of course, I’m awake! How can I sleep when our home has been overrun by intruders?

Oh, Judith. I’m sure you’re imagining things.

Hardly! I just saw them. There was an entire TV news team—a reporter, a cameraman, and some cheeky woman [man]—and they were pursuing two homeless gentlemen.

That’s quite interesting, Judith, but I was hoping you could answer a few questions for me.

I’ll do what I can, Pansy, but you must understand that my nerves are frayed. Absolutely frayed!

I’ll make it quick. Russell said something about a coroner being called?

Yes. Apparently, Father arranged it a few days before he died.

Why would he do a thing like that?

I don’t know. I suppose he wanted to lend an air of mystery to his death. For his fans, you know.

And how did Father look?

What? Before he died?

No. After.

Ewww. Why would I want to see that?

Well, I mean, most people say goodbye to their loved ones.

Not me. I prefer to remember Father the way he was before he died, full of his usual vigor.

So, you never saw the body?

Oh, no. Father made quite sure of that.

What do you mean?

Didn’t you hear? The funeral was closed casket. Father didn’t want any fans taking pictures of his body and posting them all over social media.

So, who did see the body?

Oh, I suppose Lorraine did. After all, she was the one who took care of all those pesky little arrangements for the funeral.

Well, sure, but why—

Listen, dear. I’d love to stay and answer your questions all night, but I really must get to bed. Good night.

Please, Judith. Just let me ask one more question—

I said good night. (EXITS RIGHT.)

That’s a lie, I tell you! A bald-faced lie!

I don’t know, Gerald. I’d believe Father before I’d believe you.

What about you, Judith?

What about me?

Well, the culprit is always the one you least suspect, and that would be you!

Ah, but you’re forgetting someone even less likely than me.

I knew this would happen. I knew you’d all start attacking each other like the cold-blooded vipers you are.

You’re right, Lorraine. We’re behaving dreadfully.

I still don’t understand where all these people came from.

We already told you, Gerald. There was a storm in the village. The streets got flooded and the bridge collapsed.

Don’t they have somewhere else to go?

Not without snorkels they don’t.

Well, the police are certainly taking a long time to get here.

They can’t help everyone, Gerald. I’m sure they have plenty to do already with the storm.

Some of them are even robbing us above our noses.

Well, perhaps the police would be more responsive if you hadn’t called them every time you thought someone was breaking into the house.

You have to admit those girls were acting very suspiciously. They came right up to our front door!

Those girls were Girl Scouts. They were selling cookies!

See? (GERALD sits, defeated.)

You’ve been surprisingly mum during this discussion, Pansy. Don’t you have anything to say?

I think you’re right, Kowalski. And remember, I’m your partner, not your boss.

(Clears her throat.) Gerald... (Gestures toward the OFFICERS.)

(Sees the OFFICERS and leaps to his feet.) Oh, I am so sorry, officers! I didn’t mean you, of course. I meant those other bums. The ones that didn’t come.

Maybe you should just sit down.

Did you say 84 million dollars?

Yes. It’s the entire fortune left by our father.

We didn’t, actually.

It could be anything.

(To OTHERS.) I think we’re going to have to investigate.

What do you mean, investigate?

Sorry.

You’re going to look for the treasure, aren’t you?

Hey, can I help it if that lousy magician didn’t return them?

Oh, for heaven’s sake! Can’t you call for backup?

What?!

You mean you’re not some bubble-headed socialite?

This is abominable!

This is contemptible!

This is hilarious!

Why would you do this to us?

And Father. He saw you that way, too.

Yes, well, Father became rather prickly in his later years. Don’t believe everything he said.

But earlier you said you’d believe Father before you’d believe us.

Well, don’t believe everything I said either.

(Rings the handbell.) Hobson!

What do you want Hobson for?

What do you think I want him for? To throw this backstabber out on the street.

Oh, Gerald. You don’t want to do that.

I don’t? And why not?

Because she’s still our sister.

Oh, please. She gave up any claim to that relationship when she wrote that exposé.

Well, consider Father then. He wouldn’t want her thrown out on the street either.

(To himself.) Betraying your own family to the press! I never thought I’d see the day! (EXITS RIGHT.)

We really are quite disappointed in you, Pansy. (EXITS RIGHT.)

That you’ve decided to leave the house right now?

That you’re going to publicly retract the exposé?

Pansy, we’ve been scouring the house for hours and we’re no closer to finding the treasure than we were when Lorraine read the will.

Gerald’s right. There’s no point in searching any longer.

What do you mean?

Yes, Pansy. What do you know that we don’t know?

Don’t be ridiculous!

Indeed. We were all there. She read the entire document.

Did she though?

If you think of any of us are going to fall for this ploy—

(Reveals herself.) What is that?

Is that the will?

Sue me. (Beat.) Wait. Maybe that’s not the smartest thing to say to a shifty lawyer.

(Grabs the will from GERALD and examines it.) Pansy’s right. There’s something at the bottom of the will.

(Grabs the will from JUDITH.) It’s a verse.

(PEMBROKES gather to look over RUSSELL’S shoulder and form a wall between him and LORRAINE.) A quatrain, to be precise.

Yes. And I’m sorry.

You know, we have every right to be angry with you for this.

“A cold heart you must hold”?

What is that supposed to mean?

It’s not like Father to misspell words.

Don’t you see? He didn’t misspell “heart” at all. He spelled it H-A-R-T, as in a male red deer.

How in the world do you know that?

Because I read, Russell. I read books.

That could mean a deer in the winter, like in a snowy woods.

All right. So what does that refer to?

Wait a minute. I don’t remember seeing that painting before.

That’s because Father bought it just before he died.

Really?! I should have learned to paint!

Get it down, Russell!

Oops?!

Oops?!

I’ll give you “oops”! (Picks up a knickknack and hurls it at WESLEY, who screams and runs OFF UPSTAGE as GERALD chases him. Slowly, sadly, GERALD returns to OTHERS.)

The painting is ruined!

The verse said “a cold hart you must hold.”

Yes. So?

Simple. The treasure isn’t the painting. (Grabs the painting, searches the frame, and reaches inside. She pulls out a folded stock certificate.) It’s inside the painting.

What is that?

(Looks at the certificate.) That’s worth 84 million dollars, all right.

We should have known it would be stock! Father was too level-headed to invest his entire fortune in something as easy to destroy as a painting.

Well, Mother and I both played a part, so we each get an equal share.

Come on, Russell. You’ve got to admit it’s only fair.

(ENTERS RIGHT with NEWS TEAM, holding the microphone. DREW brushes makeup on KATIE’S face. ALEX carries his empty camera bag and points the camera at KATIE, who waves DREW away. To the camera.) And so it’s a happy ending here at Pembroke Mansion, as the once dysfunctional family—

(Loudly and with authority.) Go away!