Mean Girls - Damian Hubbard

act one opens

good morning everyone! welcome to high school

Janis: we’re here to welcome you, but also to talk to you about something serious

we’re gonna tell you the story of our friend cady. how she moved here from kenya and how her dodgy decisions caused another girl to get hit by a bus. actions and their consequences

Janis: this painting I made will represent teenage female power

and this picture of george michael is something I like to hold when I’m singing

Janis: J’anice

French Teacher: J’anice

chanel (no) fantine (no) lady gagA (no)

Cady: the need to belong that roars within us all

hey! you’ve been in there a very long time. you are either doing drugs or very constipated from doing drugs

Janis: Hi, I’m Janis

and je m’apelle sasha fierce

Janis: this is damian. hes almost too gay to function

Cady: i’m cady

well cady, as junior co-chair of the student activities committee and an art freak, we volunteer to be your starter companions till you find you place at north shore

Janis: yeah im gonna call you caddy

when did you move here?

Cady: i wanted to get socialized

oh youll get socialized all right. a little slice like you

Sonja: youre not supposed to be in here!

oh my god danny devito i love your work! okay caddy, i once read on a tote bag that everything fits somewhere. so lets get out there and pick your new life. my mama used to tell me.

Cady: woah. whos at that table there?

don’t look at them just dont! we call those three the plastics. theyre shiny fake and hard

Janis: hahaha! that is t*ts!

she means “thats great”

Cady: but i already said i’d sit with you guys. maybe we could all have lunch togeth-

not really an option

Janis: regina george is not cool! shes a scum sucking fart mouth life ruiner!

janis hates regina because when we were in eighth grade—

Cady: okay. do you have a pink shirt i can borrow?

girl yes what shade

Janis: the color pink is not universally linked with femininity. in india, men wear pink turbans to religious festivals

in switzerland, they paint prison cells pink, to keep the inmates calm. which is fun!

Regina: damn. you are so lucky you have us to guide you. meet me after school. i'm gonna take you to the mall and buy you some shoes.

what did she say?

Cady: no. shes the apex predator

the what?

Janis: those bitches!

what is this? can i eat it?

Cady: its a kalteen bar. my mom used to give them to the kids in africa to help them gain weight

i can feel it working

Cady: no janis! ill keep eating lunch with them! thats it!

and so she did! cady spent weeks pretending to like regina

Cady: nooooooooooooo!

scream

Janis: of course she did caddy. shes a life ruiner

when we were in eighth grade she—

Cady: guys i know the story! she didnt invite you to her 13th birthday cuz she could only have six people

she said what?! oh regina is a hot liar!

Damian: oh regina is a hot liar!

Janis: damian!

no! i must! what actually happened was regina came up to janis before school where no adults could see her and was like, janis i cant invite you to my pool party, cuz i think youre a lesbian

Regina: and i cant have a lesbian at my party. theres gonna be girls there in their bathing suits

she just kept asking her

Cady: what did janis say?

what could she say? it wasnt a real question. it was just like an attempt to snatch her dignity. and she didnt know why her friend was doing this to her. so she just yelled—

Janis: im a space alien and i have four butts!

it was a bad choice, but she was twelve. and by lunch someone had sharpied “space lez” on her locker. after that no one would talk to her and it got really bad so her parents pulled her out of school for the rest of the year

Janis: ive dreamed of this day for many years, but i never had an inside man

i almost did once. at summer camp, but i got nervous.

Janis: first we destroy her hotness. but how?

Cady: i know how!

GASP the kalteen bars!

Ensemble: she has everything, she gets everything. regina regina regina

ho ho ho! candy cane gram from shane oman! and one for caddy heron. four for glenn coco you go glenn coco! and none for gretchen wieners bye

Janis: okay this is probably a good time for us to talk about the power of social media

was it funny when regina bent over and it looked like her butt ate her underwear? well yes. one million percent

Janis: was it shocking that she stepped on gretchens face as she ran away? not to me but i still liked it

and why did karen pretend to be asleep? did she just panic? i think so

Janis: now, we all know that harsh internet comments are hurtful and cause pain and blah blah we gotta stop etc.

but what everyone forgets is that positive internet comments are worse. its because they create a false sense of love and admiration and are more addictive than opioids and girl scout thin mints combined. for example

act 2 opens

this is a cautionary tale, that we continue to unveil

Janis: this is the insane part, where it all flies off the rail

exciting. enjoy the cautionary tale

Mr. Duvall: may i have your attention please for some announcements. first, we want to wish good luck to junior janis sarkisian who is a finalist in the illinois art expo this saturday. go lions! even for art

art art art!

Mr. Duvall: secondly, the student activities committee voted and the theme of this years spring fling was a tie between circus under the sea and elegance, so we’re just gonna get balloons. and finally, the nominees for spring fling king and queen are as follows: for king, shane oman, christian wiggins, and aaron samuels

okay

Mr. Duvall: for queen,

regina george, karen smith, and gretchen wieners. same old same old

Janis: did you set that up?

no

Cady: damian did you do that?!

it wasnt me! as junior co chair of the student activities committee i would never tamper with election materials

Cady: oh my god, so many people are texting me. should i text aaron and congratulate him?

no

Janis + Damian: No

Cady: cuz the last couple texts i sent—

so youve said yes

Cady: i mean hes been broken up with regina for a month. why hasnt he asked me out yet?

i dont know but i wish youd keep talking about it!

Janis: hey do you need a ride this weekend? cuz damian borrowed his grandmothers jazzy

Cady: what?

its a motorized scooter

Cady: i have to post something about being nominated. then you can tag aaron and be like “you two should go together”

girl!

Cady: hey! what are you doing?

saving you from yourself. caddy i did a paper on this! our prefrontal cortex isnt fully developed until were twenty five. its why were not allowed to rent cars. cuz we will wreck them just to make a cool boomerang

Cady: damian, thats not gonna happen to me. im not making bad choices

tell that to your fake tutor. yeah i said it. ladies help my friend caddy out. what have you all learned from your worst ideas?

Janis: you are full of lies!

janis, i cannot stop this jazzy you know i have a curfew

Cady: janis, i cant spend every minute with you. its not my fault youre like in love with me or something!

Janis: What?!

oh no she did not

Janis: thats original. “damian hubbard is too gay to function”. thats only okay when i say it.

wait, only cady could have written that

Teary Girl: i just wish we could all get along like we used to in elementary school. i wish that i could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles and we could all eat it and be happy

she doesn’t even go here!

Janis: and thats how regina george died

once again, no one died! i mean, technically regina did die for like fifteen seconds but then she was revived. and of course social media started going insane.

Janis: no. im busy right now. my date and i are hooking up.

ew.

Cady, Plastics, Janis, Sopranos, Damian: STARS

and so, freshman, the moral of our story is thus: calling someone stupid wont make you any smarter

Janis: and even the people you dont like at all, are still people

so get off their dicks!