The Play that Goes Wrong - Sandra’s lines

ROBERT: Good God! Charles Haversham murdered at his own engagement party! Florence!

Charley!

ROBERT: Florence, I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

No! I can’t believe what I’m seeing. (ENTER) His skin is cold to the touch.

ROBERT: No, don’t touch him, Florence!

I must!

ROBERT: You mustn’t!

Unhand me, you controlling brute!

ROBERT: Thank you, Perkins.

No, Tom, no more of those ghastly pills!

ROBERT: Take them, Florence.

I hate those pills.

ROBERT: Come along, Florence!

It’s revolting!

ROBERT: Take your medication, girl!

You’re an animal, Thomas!

ROBERT: This is the thanks I get for trying to look after my little sister.

Oh, Tom, please! There’s a difference between looking after your sister and keeping her prisoner. I’m like a beautiful bird trapped in a gilded cage.

ROBERT: Don’t be so melodramatic, Florence. You’re an impressionable young girl and you don’t always know what’s best for you.

Oh, who would do such a thing! That night of our engagement party! Cecil! Quick! Your brother’s dead!

ROBERT: This is horrifying! I mean, who on Earth would have a motivation to murder Charles Haversham?

I can’t imagine!

ROBERT: As am I, Cecil! As am I!

It’s more than my nerves can take! I’m becoming hysterical!

MAX: No, Florence! This is unbearable!

Charley! How will I go on!

ROBERT: There, there, Florence, well done, deep breaths.

It’s terrible! Just a week after our engagement!

MAX: Make it a double!

Oh! My Charles! My Charles! My head is spinning!

MAX: Yes!

I can’t believe Charles was sat in here alone, drinking, when he was supposed to be downstairs with us.

DENNIS: I shall take my master’s secrets to the grave, sir.

I don’t know how I’ll ever recover from this.

MAX: Why, look at the last entry. ‘I fear Florence does not love me. The night of our engagement party; despair engulfs my soul.’

But I love Charles with all my heart!

MAX: As I said! Driven mad with paranoia and jealousy.

(CHIME.)

ALL: Inspector!

ME: Thank heavens he’s here!

CHRIS: This must be Charles Haversham! I’m sorry; this must’ve given you all a damn shock.

It did, we’re all still reeling!

MAX: I’m Cecil Haversham. I’m his brother.

I’m Florence Colleymoore. I’m his fiancée. Tonight was our engagement party.

MAX: Let us raise a glass to the man we all loved. To Charles.

Charles!

CHRIS: Delicious.

Excellent.

CHRIS: Could be a number of things. Suffocation, strangulation, poison. Before fully examining the body I wouldn’t like to say.

How could someone do it?!

CHRIS: Try not to think about it, Miss Colleymoore. Once I’ve finished downstairs I’ll speak to you each individually and then perhaps you can get some space to calm your nerves.

Thank you, Inspector, this is all more than I can bear.

CHRIS: Close his damn eyes, Perkins.

Cecil! We must tread carefully! It would be easy for the two of us to become implicated in Charles’ death. If they find out about us, we’ll be suspects!

MAX: You and I are having an affair, so what? It doesn’t mean we killed him.

Of course not! But that’s what the Inspector will think!

MAX: Except now you won’t be forced to marry my beastly brother!

And soon we can be together and not keep secrets.

MAX: But please, while we’re here, just the two of us, let me steal one quick kiss!

Cecil, we can’t! If we’re caught it would be the end!

MAX: Please Florence! One kiss! I can’t resist you! I can’t control myself!

Oh Cecil, I would if I could but it’s too damn risky! We must act aloof.

MAX: There is no one else here.

Oh Cecil, you are persuasive!

ROBERT: Naturally.

Perhaps one kiss then… One stolen moment of passion.

MAX: Florence! Come into my arms.

I shall!

MAX: One embrace!

Oh, Cecil! I love…

ROBERT: The Inspector requires a pencil! What on Earth’s going on here?

Sorry, I felt flustered! Cecil was cooling my brow!

ROBERT: I don’t see how my sister’s brow is any business of yours, Haversham!

Don’t be a prig, Tom; Cecil was only trying to help.

MAX: Thank God he’s gone! That man’s such a nuisance!

He is my brother!

MAX: Let me kiss you! Just once!

Oh, Cecil! Kiss me a thousand times! I’m yours!

DENNIS: I shall lock the doors at once.

You don’t think Perkins suspects us, do you?

MAX: That old fool, of course not.

Oh, enough words! Take me!

ROBERT: I forgot the Inspector’s notebook… what in God’s name!

I was about to faint! Cecil caught me!

MAX: You ought to take better care of her then, Colleymoore.

I’m overcome!

MAX: Blasted interruptions!

Kiss me, Cecil!

MAX: I want you, Florence! You are my heart beat out of my chest.

Your eyes send me into a dream! Kiss me, Cecil, I can’t wait a second longer!

MAX: At last we’re alone.

Oh, Cecil! Let’s run away from here! Far away! Together!

MAX: Soon, my love, but we must be careful. We mustn’t arouse suspicion.

Cecil, tell me, who do you think killed Charles?

MAX: There’s no question in my mind, Florence, he was killed by your brother, Thomas Colleymoore!

My sister! What a devil of a situation this is!

JONATHAN: Not so fast, Inspector!

But, why would Thomas want Charles dead?

MAX: Isn’t it obvious? He was always bitter and possessive when it came to you! He didn’t like the idea of his best friend marrying his sister. He saw you together at tonight’s engagement party and it drove him half mad and he snapped and killed Charles!

But, if it is Thomas, what if our affair is discovered?

MAX: I don’t think there’s any doubt. He would try and kill us, just like he killed Charles!

Oh, I feel faint again!

CHRIS: If you’d be so kind as to send in Florence Colleymoore on your way out.

No need, I’m already here! Don’t ask too much of me, Inspector, I feel fragile as glass.

CHRIS: Don’t fret, Miss Colleymoore, my questions will be brief and to the point and then you can get some rest. Firstly, how old are you, Miss Colleymoore?

Twenty-one.

CHRIS: I’ll make a note of that. When were you and your fiancée due to be married?

In the new year.

CHRIS: When did you first meet?

Only seven months ago but my brother has known him since school, he introduced us at a local gala and it was love at first sight. I knew from the very first moment I saw him that he was the man I wished to marry.

CHRIS: Well, I think that’s enough note taking for now.

When you love someone there’s no such thing as rushing, Inspector.

CHRIS: Did you ever think you were rushing into this marriage?

Why wouldn’t I love him?

CHRIS: … did you love him, then?

How could anyone have benefitted?

CHRIS: Can you think of anyone who might have benefitted from your fiancé’s death?

Cecil?!

CHRIS: Not even Cecil?

I wasn’t having an affair! Don’t raise your voice at me, Inspector!

CHRIS: YOU WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR!

Don’t tell me to calm down!

CHRIS: Calm down, Miss Colleymoore.

Which letter?

CHRIS: Then how do you explain this letter?

You’ve read my letter? Where did you find it?

CHRIS: I’ll tell you which letter! The one addressed to Cecil, written in your hand, declaring your love for him and how the thought of marrying Charles repulsed you.

Charles read it…

CHRIS: (My line repeated) You’ve read my letter? Where did you find it? (Her line) I’ll tell you where I found it! In Charles’ pocket!

Charles read it?! Then it was suicide!

CHRIS: Indeed! Or a murder, conceived by yourself and Cecil Haversham so you could run away together!

How dare you! You diabolical beast! How can you? I won’t stand for this, Inspector! Accuse me again and you’ll be sor… (door hits me and i collapse)

CHRIS: You killed your fiance, Florence! What do you have to say for yourself?

I am no murderer!

CHRIS: We all know that’s not true…

It is true, Inspector!

CHRIS: Arthur, you stay here with Miss Colleymoore and ensure she does not leave this room.

Arthur, you have known me years, surely you believe I would never do something like this!

MAX: On the contrary, Miss Colleymoore, it was I who discovered you to be the guilty party.

Oh, Arthur! How can you! Please, you must protect me from the fiends! I’ll do anything to win your trust!

MAX: Oh no, Miss Colleymoore! Do not use your feminine wiles to confuse me.

I have seen the way you look at me across the gardens.

Even now, the way you’re looking at me. The way you’re looking… the way you’re looking… the way you’re looking… at… me…

The way you’re looking at me! I know how you feel!

MAX: Please, Miss Colleymoore! I am a simple gardener, I…

… and you have said before how radiant I look when walking across the grounds. Please, Arthur, protect me, I’ll be yours if you do…

CHRIS: An adulteress and a cold-blooded killer!

I’m not, Inspector!

CHRIS: Yes, you are, Miss Colleymoore!

If only you knew, Inspector! I could never hurt a living soul! I shall faint!

ANNIE: What happened! I must have fainted! Curse my delicate… (I hit her in the face with the clock)

What happened! I must have fainted! Curse my delicate constitution.

ROBERT: You did faint, Florence! We have learned that Perkins committed the murder!

Perkins, but he’s such a kindly old man.

DENNIS: There must be some misunderstanding! I didn’t kill Charles. But I know who did!

(ALL) Who?!

CHRIS: I will! Confound it!

What a devil of a situation this is!

DENNIS AND MAX: Sir!

Charley! I thought you were dead!

JONATHAN: I simply didn’t drink the poisoned sherry you left out for me this evening!

Oh, Charley, this is more than I… (Annie flings me off)

MAX: It was you that I saw! You were the mysterious figure!

I thought it was strange… (Annie blocks my entrance)

JONATHAN: Perhaps you should ask Inspector Carter, or should I say Inspector Frederick Carter!

(ALL) FC!!!!!

DENNIS: Precisely, and after committing the crime you found Charles’ will in his ledger and tried to pin the whole thing on me.

You damned craf… (Annie knocks me out)

JONATHAN: Drop the gun, Inspector!

Aye me!

ANNIE: Please, Inspector! You’re frighten… (Somehow i mess with her)

Please, Inspector! You’re frightening me!

MAX: Yes, sir.

(me and Annie at once) You monster! You tried to kill Charles and you killed Ce…

(I knock Annie out)

…and you killed Cecil. How could you!

CHRIS: It’s useless, Colleymoore, there’s no way out.

Brother! I’m surprised at… (Annie knocks me out)

ANNIE: This can’t be true, I can’t belie… (i trip her)

This can’t be true! I can’t believe it! I won’t believe it!

JONATHAN: Your sordid affair sickened me, Florence. You broke my heart.

(With Annie) I made a mistake! Please, take me back! I’ll be yours all over again!

JONATHAN: Take back a women who betrayed me? Never!

(With Annie) Charley! You’re all I have! Love me! Please! Don’t cast me aside! I shall be an outcast in the town! My friends shan’t speak to me! Never again shall I feel your embrace! Let me be your wife!

ANNIE: Charley! I cannot bare it another…

Charley! I cannot bare it another second! Look at me, like you used to look at me!

JONATHAN: Silence, Florence! You are nothing to me, now!

This is the worst night of my life! (Annie punches me)