IBCT Acceptance Strategies

General recommendations for sequencing interventions

• Use acceptance more than change 

• Start with empathic joining and unified detachment 

• Tolerance interventions are used when partners are stuck in resistant patterns 

• No need for change techniques if partner’s desired change occurs

Acceptance is not…

• Surrender to misery

• Giving resignation about relationship

Acceptance is…

• Maintaining a positive connection despite differences

• Viewing differences a means to achieve greater intimacy and understanding

Shift focus to acceptance because…

efforts to change each other leads to stuck patterns and hopelessness

Differences are just differences, not…

deficiencies

Empathy is important because…

1. Empathy predicts closeness

2. Empathy predicts relationship health

Process Model of Intimacy states 3 things must happen for closeness

• Partner discloses factual sand personal info 

• Received by responsive partner

• Discloses mutual perceived partner as responsive

Empathic Joining

Talking together about core differences with the intent to understand and accept rather than change partner

4 things therapist do before empathic discussion

•  Shift clients from partner blame to self focus

  • What it is like for you 

• Identify and link issue to deep analysis 

• Decide which partner begins 

  • Typically the one with stronger emotions

• Direct interactions to each other

  • Better to turn to partner and allows for a better connection

During the In-Session Couple Discussion, what is point #3 for Partner A, and points #1 and #2 for Partner  B?

• Partner A

  • Share vulnerabilities and needs without blame

• Partner b

  • Be supportive of expressions

  • Listen to, understand, and accept so it leads to intimacy and connection

What is gold for the therapist, might be  _____ for the partner

tin

How do IBCT therapists work with emotions?

They validate surface emotions and explore  hidden emotions.

Some examples of hidden emotions

• Guilt they are contributing to problem 

  • I know i make this worse

• Shame their shortcomings create pain 

• Fear of standing up for themselves

  • Common 

  • “What if they leave?”

• Worthlessness that their needs aren’t important 

• Anxiety discussing the problem wll end the relationship

Movie Screen Intervention

• If the couple is stuck with empathic joining 

  • Put your perspective aside and only see your partner’s experience as a story on the movie screen 

    • Challenge is defensiveness

  • Try to provide the same understanding you would for a character after seeing their lifestory 

  • Then describe the story back to your partner without including your perspective 

  • Ask “am I understanding that right?”

  • Validate their experience through understanding, even if you don’t agree or experience it differently

Unified Detachment

Gaining emotional distance from a couple’s negative interactions by logically analyzing patterns without blame 

Unified Detachment Steps

• Shift perspective from blame to team focus

• Identify core patterns of interaction 

• Overcome pattern together 

  • A and B; A and B vs C

• Take person out of the problem by viewing the pattern as the problem

• Externalize cycle without getting caught up in it 

  • Humor can be helpful

  • Need to name the cycle