Marital Problems and Solutions Final

Ch 9 - Difference between discussion process and solution process

Whenever you start to solve an issue, stop and ask yourself whether each of you fully understand each other's perspective

Ch 9 - Advantages of having week couple meetings (3 things)

1) Tangible way to place high priority on your marriage

2) Have regular time to deal with issues

3) Takes the day-to-day pressure off your relationship

Ch 10 - Be familiar with the section, “How to Talk Like a Friend” (4 things)

1) Don't Try to Solve Problems

2) Share Good News

3) Listen Like a Friend

4) Offer Emotional Support

Ch 10 - Why couples should keep couple’s time, separate from family time

Children's well-being is directly related to the quality of the parent's relationship with each other

Ch 11 - How to approach your partner when they seem upset

Approach them somewhat gently, "It seems to me you're upset; would you like to talk?"

Ch 11 - How to do the partner nudge

Suggest a more productive pattern for handling the stress

Ch 12 - What happens to sex if sensuality is allowed to drop off? (2 things)

1) It puts a lot of pressure on the sexual relationship

2) Couples have no way of physically connecting accept through sex

Ch 12 - Markman et al. (2004) worry too many people have a false and harmful assumption that once the original flames of sexual passion subside within a marriage, what will happen?

These passions will never get reignited

Ch 13 - According to Sager, what is the best "hack" to help you identify your unconscious expectations?

To notice when you're disappointed in your partner's behavior, but you're not totally sure why

Ch 13 - What can partners do if their realistic expectations that they have communicated are not being met?

They can join together and acknowledge each other's grief over things not being how the other expected

Ch 14 - Though partners can't erase the impact their backgrounds have on each of them, they can do what?

Develop a shared view of life that embraces and respects their differences

Ch 14 - One of the largest benefits of belonging to an organized religion for couples is what?

Having a community to belong to

Ch 15 - What isn’t a part of forgiveness? (2 things)

1) Just because you forgive, doesn't mean you'll forget.

2) You can still feel pain about what the other person did, and still have forgiven them.

Ch 15 - The three points for obtaining forgiveness and regaining trust

1) Trust builds slowly over time.

2) Trust has the greatest chance to rebuild when each partner takes appropriate responsibility

3) Trust is a choice

Ch 16 - The difference between dedication and constraint

Dedication

• Desire and actions to continue in the relationship

Constraint

• Forces that motivate people to stay in relationships

Ch 16 - What does "alternative monitoring" refer to and how can one avoid it?

How much you keep an eye out for other partners

Mentally devalue others

How do you stand up to people who are being rude? ( 5 things)

1) Don’t drop to their level

2) Give a warning

3) Redirect them

4) Remove yourself

5) Don’t take it personally

Four Horsemen and Solutions - Criticism

Use soft start-ups (tone, volume, phrasing)

Do not bring up multiple problems at the same time

Use “I” statements

Four Horsemen and Solutions - Defensiveness

Take responsibility by finding the kernel of truth in what is being said

Be willing to admit your faults AND the hurt you caused

Validate

Four Horsemen and Solutions - Contempt

Focus on maintaining a positive emotional connection

Express gratitude for something your spouse does

Decide now which lines you won’t cross or cross again

Four Horsemen and Solutions - Stonewalling

Take a break with an emphasis on calming down

Have an agreed-upon signal that allows you to leave

Focus on maintaining some form of empathy and acknowledge your partner’s need to talk

Be familiar with the various reasons why people cheat (7 things)

1) Spouse Neglect

2) A Fear of Getting Too Close

3) Situational

4) Low Self-Esteem

5) Sexual Problems - Sex Has Become Stagnant

6) Sexual Problems - Lack of Desire or Partner Imbalance

7) Bad Intentions

How to address cheating reasons - Spouse Neglect

Provide direction as to what you need

How to address cheating reasons - A Fear of Getting Too Close

Make efforts to connect with your spouse

How to address cheating reasons - Situational

You need to be transparent about potentially risky situations

How to address cheating reasons - Low Self-Esteem

Focus less on stroking your ego and more on making the other person happy

How to address cheating reasons - Sexual Problems - Sex Has Become Stagnant

Find a way to shake up the routine

How to address cheating reasons - Sexual Problems - Lack of Desire or Partner Imbalance

Have an open discussion about your differences without blame

How to address cheating reasons - Bad Intentions

If you want to end things, have the courage and courtesy to do it the proper way

What are the signs of an emotional affair? (4 things)

1) Frequent contact with them when you’re not together

2) Discussing very personal topics, including problems in your marriage

3) You think about them a lot

4) You spend a lot of time together

What can the cheated-on spouse do to cope? (4 things)

1) Keep a Journal

2) Write Letters

3) Control Thoughts

4) Have a Sounding Board

What is the best pattern for repairing marriage after an affair? (3 things)

• 1) Atone

  • The unfaithful spouse needs to provide a full disclosure of the affair

• 2) Attune

  • The couple should use this as a wake-up call, a chance to create a stronger, healthier marriage

• 3) Attach

  • Recommitment through sexual & emotional intimacy

Characteristics of those who have an addiction (6 things)

1) Escape

2) Life Disruption

3) Prevalence

• Over time addict spends more time engaging in it, thinking about it, wanting to do it

4) Cessation

• They feel anxious when they can’t use. Just the idea of stopping is stressful/intimidating

5) Reverting

• Addict will repeatedly try to stop, only to go back to it

6) Lack of Motivation

Addiction characteristics that are hard on a marriage (6 things)

1) Shame

2) Lying

3) Manipulation

4) They Shift Blame

5) They have a hard time being happy outside of the addiction

6) The Addiction Takes Priority

Explain how to address addiction in marriage (2 things)

The Addict Must Get Help

Don’t Self-Blame

Sobriety (5 things)

1) Overly Optimistic

2) Defensive

3) Shallow

4) Disconnected

5) Self-Centeredness

Recovery (6 things)

1) Realistically Proactive

2) Humble

3) Insightful

4) Transparency

5) Courageous Connection

6) Considerate

What are the predictors of someone being abusive? (7 things)

1) Anger

2) Jealousy/Possessiveness

3) Controlling

4) Extreme Mood Swings

5) Drug/Alcohol Use

6) Rigid Gender Role Expectations

7) History of Family Violence

How does the abuser ensnare their victim? (4 things)

1) Are on good behavior at the beginning

2) Are flattering

3) Abusers want to move things fast

4) Gaslighting

Why do people stay in abusive relationships? (10 things)

1) Fear

2) Low Self-Esteem

3) Lack of Money/Resources

4) Embarrassment or Shame

5) Concerned About the Children

6) Downplay the Bad

7) Belief that Abuse is Normal

8) Fear of Being Outed

9) Staying for the love

10) If I hold on longer, it’ll get better

Four Types of IPV - Coercive Controlling Violence

An attempt to dominate/control one’s partner through the use of physical violence

Four Types of IPV - Situational Couple Violence

Violence between partners that is not based on the dynamics of power and control

Four Types of IPV - Violence Resistance

This is often in response to the controlling type, typically found in females; however, men can display this too

Four Types of IPV - Separation-Instigated Violence

The type of violence that comes about with the onset of relationship dissolution. This can escalate to homicidal levels

Be familiar with the things you should do before leaving an abusive relationship

Make a plan for how and where you will escape quickly

Then practice how to get safely. Practice with your children

Identify a safe place for your children

Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures of injuries

Be familiar with the things you should do after leaving an abusive relationship

Change your locks and phone number.

Change your work hours and the route you take to work.

Alert school authorities of the situation.

Use different stores and frequent different social spots

Why is relationship change hard?

Resistance to Change

What are some critiques of relationship-oriented books? (2 things)

1) It’s hard to tell which books have useful information and/or if the information is misleading

2) There’s less empirical evidence on what helps couples

Benefits of couple relationship education (2 things)

1) Less likely to provoke the typical fears couples face when considering couples therapy, while reducing barriers for the option of couples intervention

2) Improvement in the quality of couple communication and problem-solving skills

What are some of the challenges of couples therapy?

Opportunity to air all their grievances.

Relationship exit

People lack the skills to speak proactively and productively about their problems, so they just pretend there aren’t any

Benefits of couples therapy

Opportunity to discuss issues that normally get avoided

Gives room to discuss issues that are too embarrassing or personal to discuss with others

It’s reassuring to have someone who understands you

How do you find a good couples therapist?

Interview the potential candidate

Find someone who specializes in the area