Percy - The Lightning Thief

[sung] THE DAY I GOT EXPELLED!

Maybe you don’t know what a half-blood is, because your life is normal and happy and not constantly in danger. But my life…? Let me set the scene.

[GROVER bleats]

Dude, what was that?

[sung] THE DAY I GOT EXPELLED

Why do you have peanut butter in your hair?

GROVER: Ask Nancy Bobofit/ She’s a monster! Not literally. I don’t think.

She threw a peanut butter sandwich at you?

GROVER: She threw a peanut butter sandwich at YOU. I stopped it. With my head.

Grover, you’re a good friend.

MRS. DODDS: MR. JACKSON! Please see me by the sphinx.

Look… if this is about Nancy Bobofit, she only hates me because I stopped her from setting fire to those first-graders—

MRS. DODDS: I have heard much about you, Percy Jackson.

Really? That’s very dedicated for a substitute…

MRS. DODDS: Kicked out of five schools in six years. One might question your parentage.

Hey, don’t talk about my mom—

MRS. DODDS: And your father? That’s right… you don’t know who he is.

How do you even know that?

[MRS. DODDS lurches toward him as a pair of bat wings emerge from her back.]

Uh, Mrs. Dodds? You have something growing on your… AH!!!

MR. BRUNNER: What ho, Percy!

Mr. Brunner? What am I supposed to do with a pen— Sword! Woah!

[He blocks with the sword. It strikes MRS. DODDS, who shrieks and dissolves.]

…Mr. Brunner? …Mrs. Dodds?

MR. BRUNNER: … And this was your final warning…

But it wasn’t my fault, it was Mrs. Dodds! She lured me away, she attacked me, and… You saw it!

MR. BRUNNER: Did !?

You gave me that pen! Only it wasn’t a pen, it was a sword, and… What?

MR. BRUNNER: It was only a matter of time before—

I got kicked out?

MR. BRUNNER: That’s not what I…

You think I’m trouble. Just like everyone else.

MR. BRUNNER: … I’m truly sorry.

Yeah well, I’m sorry I let you down…

GROVER: You’re not exactly…

Normal?

[END OF DAY I GOT EXPELLED]

Hey Mom. How was your day? Mine was okay. We went on this field trip, I got expelled, I saw some super X-rated art, museums are crazy—

SALLY: The headmaster called me.

About the art?

SALLY: About the field trip.

Are you mad?

SALLY: Well, I’m not happy. What happened, Percy?

So first the math teacher turned into a demon, and then I had this sword—

SALLY: You know what, it doesn’t matter. We’ll find another school. Again.

I’m not a bad kid on purpose.

SALLY: …How would you like to take a trip? Just the two of us?

Is that okay with “Smelly Gabe”?

GABE: Who’s gonna cook for me? Who’s gonna clean?

My mom’s not your servant.

GABE: Bean. Dip.

Aw man, has that guy ever heard of showers? Mom… you don't have to put up with him like that.

SALLY: It’s complicated, Percy.

You always say that. Why?

SALLY: [sung] IT’S TIME YOU FOUND OUT MORE ABOUT HIM

Look at the size of those waves!

SALLY: … Don’t tell me you’re too old for blue food.

You met Dad on this beach?

SALLY: … And he warned me things might be hard if you were… like him.

Was he a screw up too? I’m sorry, Mom, if I was only normal—

CLARISSE: CAPTURE THE FLAG!

What’s going on? And are you ever going to wear pants again?

LUKE: [hands Percy a sword.] You’re going to need this.

It’s a sword.

LUKE: Haven’t you played Capture the Flag before?

Not with swords.

ANNABETH: It’s not a lightsaber.

You’re my dream girl! I mean… the girl I saw… when I was dreaming…

LUKE: … I figure, if we find what you’re good at, maybe that’ll give us a clue about your dad.

I don’t have any gifts.

ANNABETH: You have ADHD, right? Dyslexia too?

Yeah, but—

ANNABETH: … Those are your battlefield reflexes.

So who’s your dad?

ANNABETH: He’s a history professor.

He’s human? But I thought…

ANNABETH: My mom is Athena. Goddess of wisdom. Sexist much?

No! I mean, I love girls! I mean… I think they’re really… nice!

ANNABETH: Capture the Flag isn’t about being nice. It’s about proving to the gods that we’re tough, powerful, and victorious in battle!

She’s kind of intense.

GROVER: You should see the captain of the other team.

Who’s the captain of the other team?

CLARISSE: I am!

Ahh!

CLARISSE: [sung] I’LL PUT YOU IN YOUR PLACE.

We have to beat her?

GROVER: Yep. Hide in a tree!

What about me? I don’t know my talent yet.

ANNABETH: I have a special job for you. Go to the boys’ bathroom.

And?

ALL: BATTLE!!!

Okay. Just stay here. Just stay in the bathroom, and stay out of…

CLARISSE: What’s that noise?

It’s not me. It’s— THE TOILET!!!