The Brothers Grimm Spectaculation - The Devil, Audience Member, and Woodcutter Lines

Girl: What a nice lady.

Hey there hot stuff. Oh wait, that’s me. Ha ha ha ha!

Girl: are you a prince?

Of darkness. *laughs* Oh that’s clever! Now, I happened to overhear your tale of misery and woe and I’m here to help.

Girl: Well actually I just—

Just sign this one small contract and you shall conceive a daughter so beautiful she will be selected to be in a game show with 22 other attractive women competing for the love of—

Girl: Done.

Moo ah ha ha ha ha ha!

Enchantress: I have returned.

Your time is up.

Girl: What do you want?

Your child!

Girl: Oh honey you’re not in therapy because of my deals, you’re in therapy because we’re terrible parents.

You heard what I said—witch.

Narrator 1: Yep.

Ha ha.

Enchantress: Now that that horrid little man is gone, I will take Rapunzel.

Um…excuse me? I’m the Devil. *grabs her arm* I’ve got more claim than some stupid little witch.

Enchantress: Enchantress!

Whatever. Witch.

Enchantress: That’s it! Let’s go!

Oh you want some, huh?

Enchantress: Expelliarmus!

That’s a witch spell!

Enchantress: Fine I curse you!

You know what, this is stupid. Tell ya what, if you sign this contract here, I will let you take Rapunzel.

Enchantress: Oh this seems legit.

Moo ah ha ha! And I disappear in a cloud of brimstone!

Audience: Ch-ch-ch-ch. A-a-a-a-a. Ch-ch-ch-ch. A-a-a-a-a.

She’s behind you! Look behind you! Turn around! *stands* TURN AROUND LOOK BEHIND YOU THERE’S A WITCH BEHIND YOU! SHE’S RIGHT THERE! SHE’S RIGHT THERE!

Hansel & Gretel: Aaaaaaah!

I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU BUT YOU DIDN’T LISTEN! WHY DIDN’T YOU LISTEN TO ME?! I SAID “DON’T GO IN THERE!” AND YOU WENT IN! YOU WENT IN! WHYYYYY?!

Narrator 1: Miss?

What?

Narrator 1: Can we keep doing the play please?

You said it was a horror movie so—

Narrator 1: Let’s take it down a notch, all right?

My bad, my bad.

Witch: I’m going to have to teach you a lesson.

OH DANG IT! I KNEW IT! GET OUT! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Gretel: What kind of lesson?

SHE’S GONNA EAT YOU! WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HER?! RUN!

Witch: But first, why don’t you want more candy?

NO! SHE’S JUST FATTENING YOU UP! THAT’S ALL SHE’S DOING!

Narrator 1: So Hansel and Gretel stayed with the witch and ate and ate and ate—

DUMB!

Narrator 1: And they got fatter and fatter—and the witch was very nice to them.

I’M LOOKING AT THE PROGRAM AND IT SAYS WITCH RIGHT HERE! SHE’S A WITCH!

Gretel: Look, she gave me this apple to put in my mouth? Wasn’t that nice?

OH COME ON!

Witch: Well, my children, I am just an old woman in the woods—

NO SHE AIN’T! I’VE GOT THE PROGRAM RIGHT HERE!

Witch: I need some help cleaning out…my oven.

OH HECK NO! NOOO! DON’T DO IT!

Hansel: Oh I can help with that.

NO! NO YOU IDIOT!

Audience: DON’T GO IN THERE!

DON’T GO IN THERE! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY WE HAVE TO TELL YOU! DON’T GO IN THERE! DON’T GO IN THERE!

Witch: Oh right. Hansel.

OHHHH I CAN’T WATCH!

Witch: Aaaaaaaah!

YESSSS! WOOO! YESSS! YESS!

Hansel: You did it.

Wait a minute. She ain’t dead. This is where they get you. Don’t let your guard down.

Gretel: Yes, it is all happy now.

No it isn’t! She’s coming back! I’ve seen this movie!

Gretel: Good idea.

NO I SEE HER! I SEE HER SHE’S RIGHT THERE! SHE’S BEHIND YOU AGAIN YOU IDIOTS!

Audience: Ch-ch-ch-ch. A-a-a-a-a. Ch-ch-ch-ch. A-a-a-a-a.

AW NO IT’S A WOLF!

Little Red: La la la—

Audience: *Heavy breathing*

QUIT SINGING AND TURN YOUR HEAD! THERE IS A WOLF! BEHIND YOU!

Little Red: It’s so dark in here. If only I could see what was going on. *kicks wolf*

YESSSSS! *cheers*

Grandma: Hello? Huh. Someone cut the phone line.

Oh dang it. Aw no. *attack* There’s a wolf! There’s a wolf IN THE HOUSE! I REPEAT! THE WOLF IS IN THE HOUSE! ABORT MISSION! THE WOLF IS IN THE HOUSE!

Grandma: Is someone there?

YES! IT’S A WOLF! I JUST SAID THAT!

Narrator 1: And because this wolf had impeccable fashion sense, he put on Grandma’s clothes.

This is kinda messed up right here.

Narrator 1: And he lay in wait for Little Red.

Uh-oh.

Audience: Don’t go in there!

Uh-oh. Don’t go in there. That ain’t your grandma.

Audience: Don’t go in there!

Don’t do it!

Audience: Don’t go in there!

WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO THESE FINE PEOPLE?!

The Wolf: All the better to eat you with!

OH NO! HE’S LEARNING JUST LIKE THE TERMINATOR!

Narrator 1: And just then there happened to be a woodcutter passing through—

I’M HERE TO SAVE YOU LITTLE RED!

The Wolf: A woodcutter!

I’VE BEEN WAITING ALL PLAY FOR THIS!

Narrator 1: And the woodcutter knocked the wolf unconscious.

Well, let me just slice open his stomach like I do to every wolf I knock out. What the heck is this?!!

Little Red: What’s up?

What a sweet little girl!

Grandma: Phew! It was dark in there.

Well, what are we gonna do with this wolf?

Little Red: And then he shall know that my revenge is complete.

Um…

Little Red: Ah! Dang it!

I was in the audience but now I’m participating!

The Wolf: Ah a woodcutter!

Ah a wolf! Die die die die! Hey look a girl popped out of his stomach!

Little Red: Woo hoo! Let’s kill this wolf by filling his stomach with rocks!

You’re disturbing!

Rumpelstiltskin: Nooo!

Deal?

Enchantress: Come along Rapunzel I have a nice tower for you.

You can have her as long as you sign this contract.

Rapunzel: Bye!

Bye!

Enchantress: I hope that contract I signed with the Devil doesn’t have any repercussions.

You’ll find out.