It Doesn't Make Cens(us)

[START]

Rise and Shine! Wonderful morning we’re having.
[LISA starts to close the door.]
Wait! Let me try again. Good morning, m’am. How are you doing today?

What do you want?

Oh! Right. I am a census worker, here to collect erm…data.

What kind of data?

Survey data.

What kind of survey?

Of course! (beat) This is my first day. I’m very nervous.

[LISA signals in some way for him to ask a question.]

(reading off his clipboard) Do you own this house slash apartment?

Yes.

(still reading) How many people were living in this house slash apartment on April 1st?

2.

Do you think I’m doing a good job?

I- Is that one of the questions?

Sorry. (reading again) What is the person’s race?

You mean my race?

Yes! If that’s okay…

I’m Indian.

Awesome. Is the person of Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin?

No. I’m Indian.

Awesome. What is your name?

Lisa.

Absolutely! Okay. What is the relationship of each person living here to Person 1?

Person 1 is me?

I’m pretty sure.

I live with my son.

What’s his name?

Sam.

Do you think he’d think I’m doing a good job?

He’s 2.

But do you think he’d like me?

Huh?

Based on what you know about me so far, do you think I’d fit in here? Like, with you and Sam?

Are you okay?

Not really. Can I ask you something?

Sure…

What is a census worker?

Uh-

Like I know they collect data but why?

Remind me how you got this job?

My dad. Nepotism. Please don’t think less of me. (start pacing) Mom says the job market is super competitive right now meanwhile I’ve got this sweet gig that people would kill for and I still can’t figure out what it is or why we do it and I just feel so guilty Lisa, the guilt is eating away at me and-

Okay, breathe. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot. (beat) Tell me, do you think you’re doing a good job?

Um. No.

And why do you feel that way?

I don’t know! (slowly realizing) I - I’m insecure. I crave validation. I need validation.

Now we’re getting somewhere.

Woah. I feel like 1000 pounds lighter. Maybe you should be the census worker.

That’s not - nevermind. I’m actually a therapist.

Oh wow. That’s great. (beat) Do you think I’d be a good patient?