15. ending relationships

a bunch of factors which predict divorce

• income

• cohabitation

• age

• age difference

• marital history

• education

• race

• family background

• beliefs

having a collective annual household income of … or more is associated w a 30% lower divorce risk

50k

cohabiting couples have a 50-80% … likelihood than never cohabitating

higher

those who marry after age … have a 24% reduced divorce rate

18

are marriages w a significant age difference more or less likely to divorce?

more

does being previously divorced elevate risk of divorce?

yes

do college graduates divorce less or more by middle age than others?

less

do AAs or White couples divorce more?

African American couples

3 kinds of symptoms of ending relationships

• psychological

• physical

• financial

5 steps to end a relationship

1. discovery of a problem

2. exposure

3. negotiation

4. transformation

5. grave-dressing

exposure

stage when both partners communicate

grave-dressing

creation of narrative to justify breakup

bunch of reasons why relationships fail

• lack of trust

• autonomy

• similarity

• support

• loyalty

• honesty

• attention

• equality

• respect

• “magic” qualities (the SPARK)

avg time it takes for indivs to recover from a breakup

6-7 months

most common stage partners get stuck at when negotiating a breakup

exposure (30%)

when does skipping stages occur?

if intimacy and relationship quality was never very high

some reasons why the divorce rate seems to have increased

• women’s increased participation in the labor force → decreased dependence on their husbands, higher CLalts

• gender roles are changing

• western culture is becoming more individualistic — feel less connected to those around them

• less negative perceptions of divorce

• higher expectations of marriage

Levinger’s barrier model

claims there are 3 elements that influence the breakup of relationships

• attraction

• the alternatives one possesses

• barriers that make it harder to leave

attraction

enhanced by the rewards a relationship offers (like enjoyable companionship, sexual fulfillment, security, social status), diminished by its costs (irritating incompatibility, investment of time and energy)

the alternatives one possesses

any alternative to a current relationship which lures them away from an existing partnership (other partners, being single, achieving occupational success, etc.)

barriers that make it harder to leave

include the legal and social pressures to remain married, religious and moral constraints, and the financial costs of obtaining a divorce and maintaining 2 houesholds

Karney and Bradbury’s vulnerability-stress-adaptation model

highlights 3 influences that can contribute to divorce

• some ppl enter marriage w ENDURING VULNERABILITIES that increase their risk of divorce

• the ADAPTIVE PROCESS w which ppl respond to stress

• STRESSFUL EVENTS that require the partners to provide support to one another and to adjust to new circumstances

examples of enduring vulnerabilities

adverse experiences in one’s family of origin, poor education, maladaptive personality traits, bad social skills, dysfunctional attitudes toward marriage

examples of the adaptive processes w which ppl respond to stress

coping and communication skills, determine whether our stress grows or is managed and reduced

stress spillover

bringing surly moods home (from frustrations/difficulties experienced individually at work or school) and interacting irascibly w our innocent partners

3 explanations for why marriages go awry + simple summary

• enduring dynamics model - marriages that are headed for divorce are weaker than others from the very beginning

• emergent distress model - in the beginning, there’s no discernible difference between marriages that’ll succeed and those that’ll fail; the difficulties that ruin some marriages usually dev later

• disillusionment model - we become disillusioned from our fantasies and reality sets in after time goes by

enduring dynamics model

suggests that spouses bring to their marriages problems, incompatibilities, and enduring vulnerabilities that surface during their courtship

emergent distress model

suggests that the problematic behavior that ultimately destroys a couple begins after they marry

disillusionment model

suggests that couples typically begin their marriages w rosy, romanticized views of their relationship that are unrealistically positive. then, as time goes by and the spouses stop working as hard to be adorable and charming to each other, reality slowly erodes these pleasant fictions

the models which seem to properly explain why divorces occur + what specifically were they good at predicting

enduring dynamics model - predicted how happy marriages would be

disillusionment model - best predictor of which couples would actually divorce

(conclusions from Processes of Adaptation in Intimate Relationships (PAIR) Project)

what did the Early Years of Marriage (EYM) Project demonstrate?

demonstrates that the social context in which couples conduct their relationships may have substantial effects on the outcomes they encounter

• on avg, black couples had cohabitated for a longer period and were more likely to have had children before getting married

• lower incomes

• more likely to come from broken homes

various models and data seem to suggest 3 general types of influences on our marital outcomes

• cultural context

• personal contexts

• relational context

cultural context

broadest lvl, the cultural norms and other variables that set the national stage for marriage

personal contexts

the social networks of family and friends and the physical neighborhoods we inhabit

relational context

describes the intimate environment couples create thru their own perceptions of, and interactions w, each other

other-oriented vs. self-oriented strats to breaking up

other-oriented - attempt to protect the partner’s feelings

self-oriented - be more selfish at the expense of the partner’s feelings

of these distinctions, which side was more common?

gradual vs sudden onset of one’s discontent

individual vs shared desire to end the partnership

rapid vs protracted nature of one’s exit

presence or absence of repair attempts

gradual

individual

protracted

absence

persevering indirectness

single most common manner in which premarital relationships ended

gradual dissatisfaction that led one of the two partners to make repeated efforts to dissolve the relationship without ever announcing that intention and without engaging in any attempts to improve or repair the partnership

relational cleansing

changing or hiding relationship status on pfp pages, defriending their ex-partners or blocking their texts, editing the photos on their walls

5 general stages occur during the dissolution of most relationships

• personal phase

• dyadic phase

• social phase

• grave-dressing phase

• resurrection phase

personal phase

a partner grows dissatsified, often feeling frustration and disgruntlement

dyadic phase

unhappy partner reveals their discontent. long periods of negotiation, confrontation, or attempts at accommodation may follow

social phase

partners publicize their distress, explaining their side of the story to family and friends and seeking support and understanding

grave-dressing phase

mourning decreases, partners begin to get over their loss by doing whatever cognitive work and relational cleansing are required to put their past partnership behind them

resurrection phase

ex-partners re-enter social life as singles, often telling others that their experiences have changed them and that they’re smarter and wiser now

churning

when partners break up but then reconcile and get back tgt (on/off/on again experience of breakup and renewal during their relationship)

4 factors noticed in monitoring divorce/widowing

• life satisfaction dropped

• ppl who were destined to divorce were less happy years earlier

• divorces typically halted a painful pattern of eroding contentment

• years later, they still weren’t as happy as they had been before the decline and fall of their marriages

why are women less well off than men after divorce?

both of their household incomes decrease, but men are more likely than women to live by themselves after they divorce; women are much more likely to have children in their households

4 broad types of postmarital relationships

• fiery foes

• angry associates

• cooperative colleagues

• perfect pals

fiery foes

spouses’ animosity toward each other defines the relationship, little to no capacity to work tgt in co-parenting

angry associates

spouses’ animosity toward each other still defines the relationship, have some capacity to work tgt in co-parenting

cooperative colleagues

aren’t good friends, but they’re civil and pleasant to each other and are able to cooperate successfully in parenting tasks

perfect pals

maintain a strong friendship w mutual respect that didn’t get eroded by their decision to live separate lives

parental loss view

children are presumed to benefit from having 2 parents who’re devoted to their care, and children who lose a parent for any reason, including divorce, are less likely to be less well off

parental stress model

proposes that the quality, not the quantity, of the parenting a child receives is key, and any stressor (including divorce) that distracts or debilitates one’s parents can have detrimental effects

economic hardship

a major stressor which may add to children’s burdens in parental stress model

parental conflict

most potent influence on children, associated w more anxiety, poorer health, and more problematic behavior, whether or not a divorce occurs