Jeff's Lines (from The Curious Savage)

for memorization purposes!

(ACT 1, SCENE 1, PG. 6) FAIRY: (Shakes her head.) I wish I’d been born a cat so I could see in the dark.

JEFF: I don’t think I’ll wait for her. I’m going to get a book and go to my room.

FLORENCE: (Solicitously.) Does your jaw hurt tonight, Jeff?

JEFF: Not bad.

HANNIBAL: Jeff—you’ve already invested two hundred and sixty-seven minutes in waiting—surely you can afford an additional ten cents’ worth.

JEFF: (Smiles.) All right, my statistical friend. My curiosity is good for ten minutes more.

FLORENCE: Jeff—what are you doing?

JEFF: Oh. There’s a book I want on the shelf. I’m sorry, Hannibal.

FAIRY: Wait, I’ll get a chair.

JEFF: Never mind, Fairy, I can get it.

FAIRY: No, Jeffrey, climbing on chairs is women’s work. Men have mountains. (Stands up on chair.) Which book did you want?

JEFF: “The Life Span of the Ape.”

FAIRY: (Turning to others.) It’s amazing what standing above people does. Do you know, I feel smarter than anybody in the whole world.

JEFF: (Points.) It’s the yellow one.

FAIRY: (Reaches vainly, then turns back to Jeff.) Wouldn’t you like “Animal Husbandry”? I can reach that.

JEFF: This time it’s got to be “The Life Span of the Ape.”

FLORENCE: Hannibal, get to the switch before someone is hurt.

JEFF: (Pause.) It looks like Mrs. Paddy is back.

MISS WILLIE: Some night you’re going to turn out the lights at the wrong time and hurt somebody. Then you’ll be sorry. I do wish you’d chosen something else to give up for Lent.

JEFF: It’s unfair to make the rest of us suffer to get you to heaven, Mrs. Paddy.

FAIRY: I couldn’t quite reach it.

JEFF: I certainly didn’t mean to cause all this commotion. Forget it.

MISS WILLIE: (Stops in front of Jeff and adjusts his tie.) Well, Bingo, you tied that one in a hurry.

JEFF: (Patiently.) Miss Willie, don’t call me that—please. It’s a pet name my wife uses.

MISS WILLIE: I forgot. (Leans over and kisses him on the forehead.)

JEFF: And I wish you wouldn’t single me out to kiss.

MISS WILLIE: You’re the handsomest.

JEFF: What would my wife think if she came to call and saw a strange woman kissing me? She’d explode.

MISS WILLIE: She would if I know her.

JEFF: Will you please try to remember?

FAIRY: You know we’ll be sent out anyhow.

JEFF: We could call it espionage.

FAIRY: (Quickly takes Mrs. Paddy by the hand and leads her to door R.) Come, Mrs. Paddy—we’re going to spy.

JEFF: I’ll guard the light switch—it’s rude to let guests enter a dark room.

FLORENCE: (Looks around and sees Jeff standing in background.) Oh—you haven’t met Jeff. Come here, Jeff.

JEFF: (Puts his R. hand to the side of his face as he comes down to them.) Please excuse my left hand.

MRS. SAVAGE: Well, you don’t need to spare me. I have to look at myself every morning.

JEFF: Doctor Emmett refuses to let me wear a bandage.

FLORENCE: Well, he was here a few moments ago. (Turns and calls:) John Thomas!

JEFF: He might have gone out into the hall.

MRS. SAVAGE: Gracious! Why should I?

JEFF: You won’t object, will you?

FLORENCE: Will you excuse me now? I have to put him to bed. (Walks to door.) He has measles—I do hope you won’t catch them. Excuse me.

JEFF: That was exceedingly kind of you, Mrs. Savage—not to notice anything wrong.

HANNIBAL: I think you should understand right away, Mrs. Savage, that, except for Florence, the rest of us are free to leave here any time we want to.

JEFF: But we don’t go—because there’s no better place to go.

MRS. SAVAGE: What is that?

JEFF: That rude noise is the signal for us to go to our rooms.

HANNIBAL: It’s the evil of the machine age. Perfect pistons and no manners.

JEFF: Well—”Ours not to reason why—” (Stops.) I wonder why no one ever quotes the first line. It’s “someone blundered.”

MRS. SAVAGE: Good night.

JEFF: (Turns at door.) I didn’t hear you. We never say that. It means there’s no more.

(SCENE 2, PG. 25) FLORENCE: (Applauding.) Beautiful—beautiful! What would we do without you, Hannibal? You bring melody to the morning.

JEFF: You could be in the concert field, Hannibal—if you worked at it.

FLORENCE: (Turns and sees Mrs. Savage.) Do come in, Mrs. Savage.

JEFF: I trust you had a pleasant sleepless night?

FAIRY: Oh, I adore “Macbeth.” All that blood. I sent a pint of my blood to the Red Cross once. They sent it back.

JEFF: I should think you would have been a novel departure as Lady Macbeth.

MRS. SAVAGE: I didn’t have any lines. If I had it probably would have cost me twice as much.

JEFF: Why did it cost you anything?

MRS. SAVAGE: Naturally—the lead. (With a sweep of her hand.) “Not Guilty”—starring Ethel P. Savage.

JEFF: What does the “P” stand for?

FLORENCE: Oh, Fairy—really! Money isn’t new.

JEFF: What did Wall Street say?

MRS. SAVAGE: It said I had a “tenacious mediocrity unhampered by taste.”

JEFF: But that wasn’t good.

MRS. SAVAGE: It was perfect. In our ads we simply said “Tenacious” and “Unhampered.”

JEFF: And you ran a year?

FLORENCE: Please give it to me. Please—Mrs. Savage.

JEFF: You mustn’t read it.

MRS. SAVAGE: Why—why, what it says in the paper.

JEFF: But we don’t know what it says in the paper.

HANNIBAL: We have an agreement.

JEFF: We never read the newspapers until they’re a month old.

HANNIBAL: Ah—ah—perspective.

JEFF: Peace of mind.

FLORENCE: Security.

JEFF: We believe it’s better to read about unpleasant things a month after they’ve happened.

FAIRY: Yes!

JEFF: Disaster is easier to digest when it’s aged a little.

FAIRY: Well—if you read anything unpleasant—don’t tell us.

GUESTS: (Together.) No!

MRS. SAVAGE: Is there a radio here?

JEFF: Yes—right over there.

MRS. SAVAGE: (Hurries over to it.) Maybe I can catch the news. (Switches on radio.) Why didn’t someone mention there was a radio here?

JEFF: You didn’t ask us.

FLORENCE: Tubes. Mrs. Paddy steals them. She hates electricity, you know.

JEFF: No one knows where she hides them.

MRS. SAVAGE: Why didn’t you say the set had no tubes?

JEFF: You didn’t ask us.

MRS. SAVAGE: No—please go without me. I have some serious thinking to do. I’ll just stay here.

JEFF: But the buzzer buzzed. One has to obey orders.

(ACT 2, SCENE 1, PG. 38) MRS. SAVAGE: Not always. They’d been spoiled by money. And whenever I tried to correct them, they’d break something I treasured, to get even with me. It was a happy day when they went away to school.

JEFF: School must have taught them something.

MRS. SAVAGE: That he is—make no mistake. I’m told he gets more threatening telegrams than any other man in Congress. I believe Western Union lists him as a tangible asset.

JEFF: If he’s so unpopular, why do the voters keep sending him back to Washington?

MRS. SAVAGE: They’re no fools. It’s the only way to keep them out of the State.

JEFF: The other son’s a judge, isn’t he?

MRS. SAVAGE: That’s a tiara, Fairy. It’s an old picture taken when she was married to her Slovak Prince.

JEFF: Let’s take a quick look, Hannibal, just to be polite.

MRS. SAVAGE: That prescription was really a note saying to dig under the chimney.

JEFF: But why did you hide it if you were going to tell them where it was?

FAIRY: Oh. Nothing makes the truth seem so shabby as a magnificent lie. How splendid!

JEFF: How do you know they’ll believe you?

MRS. SAVAGE: But they will.

JEFF: How can you be so sure?

(SCENE 2, PG. 48) MRS. SAVAGE: Oh! You startled me.

JEFF: (Quickly rises and covers R. side of his face with his hand.) I didn’t know anyone was in here.

MRS. SAVAGE: And I didn’t know you could play the piano.

JEFF: I only play when I’m alone.

MRS. SAVAGE: Oh, you shouldn’t be so shy. No one is going to compare you with a professional.

JEFF: But I am a professional.

MRS. SAVAGE: Oh.

JEFF: I made my debut in Town Hall a week before the war. Jeffrey Meredith. You see? (Takes clipping from his wallet.)

MRS. SAVAGE: Why, it says you were brilliant! Forgive me, Jeff. I should have known.

JEFF: (Smiles.) I was going to appear with the Philharmonic. I didn’t—but I have the contract to prove I might have.

MRS. SAVAGE: But you never play, Jeff. Oh, please go on—I’d like to hear you.

JEFF: (Puts hand to face again.) No. I don’t like to be stared at.

MRS. SAVAGE: (Pats him affectionately on the shoulder.) I’ll look the other way and listen, Jeff.

JEFF: I’d rather not. I’m not ready to face people yet. Please don’t insist.

MRS. SAVAGE: I wouldn’t dream of it.

JEFF: Thank you. (Crosses to sit beside her.) Can you keep a secret?

MRS. SAVAGE: About ten minutes.

JEFF: Doctor Emmett isn’t a doctor at all.

MRS. SAVAGE: What is he?

JEFF: A patient—just like Mrs. Paddy.

MRS. SAVAGE: Oh—do you think so?

JEFF: For five years now he’s promised to give me a new face.

MRS. SAVAGE: No, he’s a doctor, Jeff. It says so on his office door. He wouldn’t lie.

JEFF: Do you believe a man is what he claims to be?

MRS. SAVAGE: I’m a trusting soul. I try to believe the best of people.

JEFF: It’s best to believe the worst. If you believe the worst, then the worst is only half bad at best. And the best is no worse than expected. So it’s best to believe the worst.

MRS. SAVAGE: (Ponders this for a moment.) You know, Jeffrey—that’s just obscure enough to be profound. What does it mean?

JEFF: It’s simple. When a man says he is wise, you say he’s a fool. But if he says he’s a fool—you believe him.

MRS. SAVAGE: Well, only a fool claims to be wise.

JEFF: (Triumphantly.) Exactly! Which proves I’m right. Doctor Emmett is a fool. He claims he’s a doctor. The war was over five years ago—and where’s his miracle?

MRS. SAVAGE: Some things take a long time to heal, Jeffrey.

JEFF: I can’t wait much longer. I’m getting old. I’ll be twenty-six soon.

MRS. SAVAGE: And that’s ancient. Why don’t you forget your appearance and play, anyhow? Don’t condemn your audience before you give them a chance to be kind.

JEFF: Look at me and then tell me an audience won’t shudder at the sight of me. (Rises and stands in front of her with hand covering his face toward audience.) Look! (Slowly takes his hand away.) Do you see?

MRS. SAVAGE: (Looks at Jeffrey’s handsome and unblemished face.) I see nothing—to hide, Jeffrey.

JEFF: Doctor Emmett told you what to say.

MRS. SAVAGE: No, he didn’t, I promise. But I’d trust him if I were you. Give him a little more time.

JEFF: All right. I’ll give him five years more.

MRS. SAVAGE: Fair enough.

JEFF: Do you know something?

MRS. SAVAGE: Not a thing. I’m awed only by the magnitude of what I don’t know.

JEFF: I wouldn’t tell this to anyone else. (Glances around cautiously.) Hannibal really can’t play the violin.

MRS. SAVAGE: No!

JEFF: Yes!

MRS. SAVAGE: Well, of course, I’m tone deaf.

JEFF: I’ll tell you something else. I sometimes wish I were.

MRS. SAVAGE: Well, you’re a sweet boy to pretend.

JEFF: Poor Hannibal can’t play—yet he does. I really can—but I won’t. Don’t you think that’s funny?

MISS WILLIE: (Takes cup already poured over to Jeff, seated on piano stool.) Here you are, Bingo.

JEFF: Florence hasn’t been served.

FLORENCE: Don’t stand on manners, Jeff—Miss Willie knows just how you like your coffee. I’ll get my own.

JEFF: Very well. Thank you.

MISS WILLIE: You’re annoyed.

JEFF: You single me out for attention, Miss Willie. It’s not fair and it makes me uncomfortable.

MISS WILLIE: Jeff—I’m so tired tonight—I didn’t remember. You’ll have to forgive me.

JEFF: (Smiles.) Of course. I forget, too.

FLORENCE: (Starts for door with tray.) Oh, I do hate having coffee upstairs—it’s so middle class. (Looks around.) Where is John Thomas?

JEFF: I think you left him up on the phonograph, Florence.

DR. EMMETT: Weren’t you asked to stay upstairs, Hannibal?

JEFF: I want to protest, Doctor.

MRS. SAVAGE: I love you all for wanting to help me. But Dr. Emmett hasn’t much choice—as you must have heard.

JEFF: What will you do, Mrs. Savage?

(ACT 3, PG. 65) LILY BELLE: Will you stop saying that!

JEFF: Dr. Emmett...

DR. EMMETT: Yes, Jeff?

JEFF: Since Mrs. Savage can’t have her bonds anyhow, I think I can help you.

DR. EMMETT: Yes?

JEFF: Mrs. Paddy didn’t take them.

DR. EMMETT: How do you know?

JEFF: Because I took them.

TITUS: He’s the thief! I knew we were being tricked. (Strides over to Jeff.) Hand them over, young man.

JEFF: I—I can’t.

DR. EMMETT: Did you take them, Jeffrey?

JEFF: Yes, sir.

DR. EMMETT: But, Jeff—you couldn’t have thrown them out the window—the window is closed.

JEFF: Oh.

DR. EMMETT: Thank you, Miss Willie.

JEFF: But she didn’t. That’s not true. I took them. No one else.

MRS. SAVAGE: Oh, Fairy—I must.

JEFF: Is someone waiting for you?

FAIRY: Oh, fun!—Come on, everybody—let’s see what we can find.

JEFF: I have something. I just remembered.

HANNIBAL: Well, Jeffrey—what did you bring?

JEFF: Just a book. But I hope you enjoy it.

MRS. SAVAGE: (Takes book, reads title.) “The Life Span of the Ape.” (Looks up.) Do you know I’ve never read it!

JEFF: I was lucky, wasn’t I?

HANNIBAL: We thought you’d forgotten us, Mrs. Paddy.

JEFF: What did you get, Mrs. Paddy?

MRS. SAVAGE: (Opens palm and looks up, relieved.) Now, how did you know this was just what I needed?

JEFF: May I see it?

MRS. SAVAGE: A genuine mother-of-pearl button. I’ll sew it on at once.

JEFF: I think it’s intended to make an eye for the bear.

MRS. SAVAGE: Aren’t you amazed?

JEFF: Why? We knew it all along.