Kyle Carter - ACTS 2 + 3

(DING!

Spot on: KYLE.

Still strapped to his recliner but more of his old self. Cocky, bossy, and manly.)

I think we got off on the wrong foot here. I'm not an asshole. For real. Listen to me, I don't know why she's pitchin' this fit in front of everybody but...

Ok. I hunt. She's never had a problem with it before. And I know it's not technically legal but those deer are in my back yar dammit so it's more like lawn mowing and people don't need permission for that. And people - like - do stuff other people don't like. Like couples. That's how relationships work, goddammit, and you don't have to duct tape 'em to a damn chair! And I swear I don't know who that other one is. Who is that?

Monologue...

You don't believe me. I can tell you're sittin' there thinkin' she might be right about me. That I just might deserve...

Shit. Shitshitshit...

I'll be straight with y'all - I don't know how this is gonna end. I really don't She doesn't ever get mad, and she sure don't "act is all out" (which I'm not sure I get what that's about). The point is I don't know wht the hell is going on and what the hell I did to make whatever is going on, going on.

I'm trying to say that she's lost it - And we're not safe - And I don't deserve this! Who deserves this!? THERE ARE BEARS OUT THERE - Please lord Jesus help me - she might actually kill me and I'm really hungry and my head hurts like a bitch and - JESUSLORD come on help me - y'all know this is crazypleasegodpleaseGODPLEASE

SIMON. I don't - wait- Is she still talking as you?

(Muffled:) You're pregnant?

SIMON. You're pregnant?

(Muffled:) By me?

SWEETHEART. Yay!

(Muffled:) Yay!

NAN. And Simon is the father

Simon = shocked. KYLE - shocked. Silence.)

(Muffled:) What the hell

NAN. Oh thank god. Y'all. This baby agve me the reason and the timing, but y'all gave me the courage and the dramatic literature to get on with life.

(KYLE yells, NAN might bop him on the head with a magazine.)

NAN. (To KYLE, a warning:) Be nice.

(SWEETHEART untapes his mouth)

(Panting...) Divorce me. Please.

NAN. If this doesn't work, yeah.

This is crazy, Nan! And we have a baby? We are gonna have a real baby, Banana. A baby banana!

SWEETHEART. Cute image.

Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm a legit baby daddy now. And that means something

SIMON. It means you're a deadbeat

You can't take my child. Nan, this child is our child.

NAN. Nugget

I want my nugget.

NAN. Well I'm not staying, so it's not staying

I'm a father!

SIMON. Father and baby daddy are not the same thing

I have rights. I'M A DAD. YOU'RE THE MOM. We are the basis of the American Dream. Don't do the bear thing. Lemme live to see the fruit of my loins. LEMME OUTTA HERE.

SWEETHEART. And we have a gun

Honey - come on- if you lemme go, I will leave you alone. I won't do anything to you or nugget or anybody. You know I love you.

SIMON. Which is painful for everyone.

(To SIMON:) No it's not.

(To NAN:) And now a child? I love you more than ever.

NAN. How is that possible, Kyle. You are unkind.

I'm just kidding.

NAN. You mess with my head.

I don't mean to, I just - I love you 'cause you're my sweet Banana-

NAN. And you are supposed to protect me and provide and be my home-sweet-home, and you hurt me and break my stuff and scare the hell outta me. And I'm not bringing a child into that.

Can't you see I'm a man on edge, here? Recession y'all. No money, no hopes-

SIMON. And on that peak we will laugh at life and welcome love to our triumphant mountain spa of boutique dreams in the sky.

What the hell are we talking about.

NAN. Just tape him up.

I have dreams!

SIMON. You have muscles and a pretty face and somehow you get things for free but that is not enough to dream with us.

Lemme speak goddammit.

NAN. This is not People's Court.

Nan, honey, baby, come on- for the children- for my child in your... pouch

SWEETHEART. What?

Lemme tell you my dreams!

(Silence.)

I dream of... peace. And baseball- free baseball for poor kids. (look at Simon) And higher voter turnout.

SWEETHEART. Can I start the meat?

Waitwaitwait-you have HAVE TO believe me here, baby. I am sorry. I'm so sorry, and I know I hurt you, and I'll never forgive myself-

NAN. Good.

Until you forgive me. You didn't give me a chance for you to forgive me!

SIMON. That's some magical thinking.

You go from zero to bear in one night? Come on! I can change! You gotta talk to me sweetheart - you gotta tell me-

NAN. I TOLD YOU, KYLE. Everey night I told you. But you'd be yelling about somethin' or fussin' at the dumbest little things or-

A man can have some bad days-

NAN. Kyle had a bad day- tells me I'm a bitch.

Baby-

NAN. Kyle got a ticket- I'm a bitch

Wait now-

NAN. And the shittiest part of it? I really did think there was somethin' I could do because I'm a good person who nurses sick cats back to health ALL DAY- and come home to you and I really thought it was my fault.

It's my fault. And I'm sorry I didn't get that, and I'm sorry I didn't always act right, but if you woulda mentioned the BEAR in my future, it mighta piqued my attention.

SWEETHEART. (Approaching with the duct tape for his mouth:) Tape?

Let me speak to my wife! My gorgeous woman who knows me and loves me and sees that it's just been a few bad years. And it's hard to be a man and have to make it all work and make money-

SIMON. She makes more fixin' carts than you do fixin' cars.

I'm saying... that it's hard to be a husband and I'm sorry- I am SO sorry that I didn't think how hard it is to be a wife- my wife. And this child could be the thing. Cause I see that I was selfish and stupid and I'm sorry. Honey, I get it and I'm sorry.

NAN. It is hard. Thank you for saying that.

I love you. I love this Future Baby. ComeonComeonILoveYouILoveYouPenguin.

SIMON. Nan-

I need you, penguin.

SIMON. Nan.

(Kinda singing the Beatles song?) We can work it out.

(Continued:) We can work it-

NAN. (To KYLE:) Don't pretend that you don't get it. You made me do this.

I did not!

NAN. (A la Kyle:) "Look what you made me do. You know how I get. You made me."

If you woulda told me-

NAN. Well you made me.

If you woulda told me-

SIMON. That you shouldn't beat folks? Toddlers get that, *******.

I did not do that. You can talk to me, baby-

NAN. When you're duct taped to a chair, I can.

Nan. Banana. Penguin Banana wife. Mother of Nugget The First. You know I never meant to hurt you that way-

NAN. But other ways are ok?

If you think I did something? I will fix it. This is my wake up call. I'm up! I am changed!

NAN. You're changed?

Yes!

SIMON. No he's not.

I will NOT be that kinda man. But you gotta help me, honey. I need your help. See, it worked. Your whole funky bear plan worked. I get it. And I don't wanna ever be that guy. I hate that guy. I will kill him myself, but you have to help me, penguinpenguin.

SIMON. So these are fresh lies.

I'm sorry about everything he migha done.

NAN. And the deer.

And all the little creatures he mighta shot in the head.

NAN. And the cat.

And I'm sorry he mighta never got you a cat.

SIMON. Jesus wept, how is this working.

And he will never touch another animal ever again in life- no guns- no drinkin- no Fox News-

NAN. Cause that gets him mad-

He knows it does and he will thoroughly remove all triggers in his life- cause it's not his life anymore- it's our life- and I will take you on dates and buy you stuff-

SWEETHEART. Whoa, what's she-?

And I want a calm house- I want a sweet little man to run around and-

SIMON. Be a feminist?

Yes goddammit. And we'll all be sweet and the world will be sweet and all god's children will be so damn sweet if you please god please let me go.

SIMON. She's breaking down.

(KYLE knows that he's got an in:) I love you, baby.

SIMON. He always get her worked up and-

Honey come on back to me. (reach out with fingers)

NAN. I-I need-

KYLE. You need me baby, I know it.

SIMON. (To SWEETHEART:) She needs dessert.

(SWEETHEART runs to the freezer.)

I need you like a fountain after ice cream.

SIMON. (To NAN:) We can't let that blood sugar drop-

Nanner penguin, come on.

SIMON. It makes you weak minded-

NAN.

NAN. Bears?

Right?

SWEETHEART. You are gonna change the world with this, Nan!

I'll get the ice cream if you-

SWEETHEART. You got peach.

Nan.

SWEETHEART. Peach!

(SWEETHEART hurries NAN to the ice cream and bowl. NAN weepily scoops ice cream into the bowl.)

Honey, we gotta talk fast cause they might tape me up again and I know this isn't you and can listen to me-

SIMON. You'll regret your thighs.

I love your thighs-

NAN. Just wait.

Nan, come on-

WAIT, I said. Everybody wait.

(Silence.)

(From across the holler, fireworks go off.)

(No one moves.)

Am I the kind of person that is gonna do this?

No.

SIMON. Except for him

Come on, PenguinPenguin!

SIMON. WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT?!

(To SIMON:) You don't get to know! You are not a penguin!

SIMON. After what he did?

What did I do?!

NAN. I'm tired of fightin' and worryin' and plannin', y'all. I'm tired.

Me too.

SWEETHEART. Oh! We got sparklers?

In the bathroom.

SIMON. The bathroom?

Do not touch my shit, man.

SWEETHEART. You should teach

You're makin' her do this. I see it now. You're puttin' this shit in her head.

NAN. It's re-enactment, not fiction

Well you're doin' all the bad scenes! It wasn't all like that. Come on. Romance and-

SIMON. Romance doesn't bruise!

I didn't do that!

NAN. You know you did

Y'all've whipped yourselves up into a feeding frenzy of meanness to Kyle. I'm a like a bait ball, y'all. You just nip at me until I'm done, well fine. Fine! Whatever sexy lies you're telling yourself- I don't care. You love me, Nan. You know me and love me and I'm your man.

SIMON. Gross

Fight the frenzy, Nan. Do a love scene, huh?

SIMON. What?

I dare you

SIMON. No way

Do a scene of that time we went to the Olive Garden for you birthday. Huh? You had fun.

NAN. I had wine

You dressed up, and I dressed up, and we had a date. So **** y'all- we dated!

SIMON. You went to an Olive Garden

You're a snob and a Democrat!

NAN. Not scripted

I may have royally F-ed up a little and I already had a big ol' "forgive me Father" moment tonight. I'm changed. I'm back. Love scene. Dare ya'.

SIMON. Not helping, stripper

You married me for a reason, Nan.

SIMON. Not a good one.

Nan.

Nan

We met by the park, you were wearing that necklace, I was late, it was fun, I dare you. I Dare You.