meowy mackson

grob: she threw a peanut butter sandwich at YOU. i stopped it. with my head.

grover, youre a good friend.

mrs dob: MR. JACKSON! please see me by the sphinx.

look… if this is about nancy bobofit, she only hates me because i stopped her from setting fire to those first-graders-

mrs dob: i have heard much about you… percy jackson.

really? thats very dedicated for a substitute…

mrs dob: kicked out of five schools in six years. one might question your parentage.

hey, dont talk about my mom-

mrs dob: and your father? thats right… you dont know who he is.

how do you even know that? uh, mrs. dodds? you have something growing on your… AH!!!

mr bob: what ho, percy!

mr. brunner? what am i supposed to do with a pen- sword! whoa! … mr. brunner? … mrs. dodds? um…

mr bob: i tried, percy, but the headmaster stands firm in his decision. you were supposed to stay with the group. and this was your final warning…

but it wasnt my fault, it was mrs. dodds! she lured me away, she attacked me, and… you saw it!

mr bob: did i?

you gave me that pen! only it wasnt a pen, it was a sword, and… what?

mr bob: perhaps its for the best. this wasnt the place for you. it was only a matter of time before-

i got kicked out?

mr bob: thats not what i…

you think im trouble. just like everyone else.

mr bob: no, but… that is to say… i can only accept the best from you, percy. someday youll understand why. im truly sorry.

yea well, im sorry i let you down…

grob: maybe hes right. you never fit in at this school anyway. youre not exactly…

normal?

(end of prologue / the day i got expelled and scene change)

hey mom. how was your day? mine was ok. we went on this field trip, i got expelled, i saw some super x-rated art, museums are crazy-

mum: the headmaster called me.

about the art?

mum: about the field trip.

are you mad?

mum: well, im not happy. what happened, percy?

so first the math teacher turned into a demon, and then i had this sword-

mum: you know what, it doesnt matter. we’ll find another school. again.

im not a bad kid on purpose.

oh, baby, i know. how would you like to take a trip? just the two of us.

is that ok with “smelly gabe”?

gabenator: whos gonna cook for me? whos gonna clean?

my moms not your servant.

gabenator: lucky for him. bean. dip.

aw man, has that guy ever heard of showers? mom… you dont have to put up with him like that.

mum: its complicated, percy.

you always say that. why?

mum: (sung) its time you found out more about him.

look at the size of those waves!

mum: fires going. someone needs a marshmallow. theyre blue. dont tell me youre too old for blue food.

you met dad on this beach?

mum: he didnt have a choice. he wanted to meet you. and he warned me things might be hard if you were… like him.

was he a screwup too? im sorry, mom, if i was only normal-

(end of strong)

so what is this place? are you sending me to summer school?

mum: more like summer camp. its just over that hill, past that pine tree. i thought id be enough to protect you. but you deserve the truth.

youre acting like im never going to see you again. if its just a summer camp…

grob: baaaaah!

oh look, a goat. hey little guy-

grob: paaaa-ercy!

AAAH! grover? what are you doing here? …and what happened to your legs?

mum: what happened on the field trip?

you said it didnt matter!

grob: he met a fury.

YOURE all furry! what happened to your legs?

grob: im a satyr! im half-goat?

and you couldnt have mentioned that sooner?

mum: oh no.

whats a minotaur?

grob: half-bull.

like you?

grob: im half-goat!

well, im sorry if this is a lot to take in right now!

mum: boys! grover, you need to get percy to the border.

what about you?

grob: you heard your mom!

im not leaving her! if mrs. dodds was really a monster, i hope youre really a sword… awesome!

mum: over here. you want my son, you have to answer to me.

mom, no! mom?

mum: go.

noooo!!!! i got him! whoaa…

ab: you drool when you sleep.

wait, what? where am i?

ab: you had an accident. youre safe now. your friend grover carried you here, and i gave you ambrosia. it heals almost any injury. unless i gave you too much and it kills you.

where is grover? i had this dream, he was a goat, there was a bull, and my mom- wheres my mom?

mr dih: so maybe if i go away and play pinochle for a few hours, things might improve. for me. not for you. youd be dead.

where am i?

mr dih: (sung) and tell him peter johnson is awake, so he better clip-clop over here!

its percy jackson.

mr dih: well, technically i am cursed. one romp in the woods with zeus’s favorite wood nymph and youre stuck running a summer camp for a bunch of needy half-bloods.

half-blood?

mr dih: half-god, half-mortal. does no one watch the orientation film?

did you say half-god?

mr dih: (sung) im the god of wine and im dying of thirst.

wait, did you say youre a god?

mr bob: percy!

mr. brunner? what are you doing here? this guy is saying all this crazy stuff about nymphs and gods and… what is going ON?!?

mr bob: i did mean to tell you…

(during the song) mr. brunner!!!! youre a horse! what is happening?!

mr bob: youll get used to mr. d. he can be a bit… well. he hates children.

i thought you were a latin teacher.

mr bob/chi: more like ancient greek. my true name is chiron. and my real job is training demi-gods. half-bloods… like you.

so everything that crazy guy said is true.

mr bob/chi: do you think the Greek gods stopped existing just because people stopped believing in them? theyre all around us. and so are their children.

but im not… i mean, this has to be a mistake. let me talk to my mom, she’ll clear this up. where is my mom?

chi: grover said she fought bravely. but a mortal woman against a minotaur…

it wasnt a dream. shes really gone.

chi: im so sorry, percy.

its my fault. she was trying to protect me.

chi: you musnt blame yourself.

you say the gods are real. so how could they let that happen?

chi: (sung) we’ll help you adjust and trust you will see their sign

if my dads a god, id like to know which one. hes got a lot to answer for.

lukie: tough first day?

before this morning, i didnt believe in any of this.

lukie: believing doesnt make it easier. trust me.

all this time i thought my dad was some deadbeat. turns out…

lukie: … hes a deadbeat god. i get how you feel. i was your age when i found out my dad was hermes, the messenger god. you know, old wings-on-his-shoes?

have you ever met him?

lukie: once.

and?

lukie: im luke. im gonna be your counselor. the hermes cabin takes anyone who hasnt been claimed. you know what that means? we’re literally the reject cabin. welcome to the dysfunctional family.

thanks, luke.

grob: im sorry. satyrs are supposed to be protectors. im the worst satyr in the world-

grover. im glad youre here.

clar: (sung maybe) capture the flag!

whats going on? and are you ever going to wear pants again?

lukie: youre going to need this.

its a sword.

lukie: havent you played capture the flag before?

not with swords.

ab: its not a lightsaber.

youre my dream girl! i mean… the girl i saw… when i was dreaming…

lukie: this is annabeth. our cabins are on the same team. see, cabins are grouped by parent. and each cabin has certain… gifts. i figure, if we find what youre good at, maybe that’ll give us a clue about your dad.

i dont have any gifts.

ab: you have adhd, right? dyslexia too?

yea, but-

ab: letters float off the page when you read because your mind is hardwired for ancient greek. and the adhd- youre impulsive, you cant sit still in class. those are your battlefield reflexes.

so whos your dad?

ab: hes a history professor.

hes human? but i thought…

ab: my mom is athena. goddess of widsom. sexist much?

no! i mean, i love girls! i mean… i think theyre really… nice!

ab: capture the flag isnt about being nice. its about proving to the gods that we’re tough, powerful, and victorious in battle!

shes kind of intense.

grob: you should see the captain of the other team.

whos the captain of the other team?

clar: (sung) ill put you in your place

we have to beat her?

grob: yep. hide in a tree!

what about me? i dont know my talent yet.

ab: i have a special job for you. go to the boys’ bathroom.

and?

all: BATTLE!

ok. just stay here. just stay in the bathroom, and stay out of…

clar: whats that noise?

its not me. its- THE TOILET!!!

grob: whoa, what happened here?

i… had… an… accident?

ab: not bad for your first day.

you set me up.

ab: i dont know what youre talking about.

you told me to hide in the bathroom. you knew clarisse would go after me. i was part of your plan!

ab: you mean distracting ares’ best warrior so i could capture their flag? smart plan.

she couldve killed me!

ab: the plan wouldve worked either way.

i thought athena was all about books! and reading!

ab: she is. also battle strategy. look, i needed that win. i need to prove to my mom im a champion, so i can get a quest.

a quest?

ab: the biggest honor a half-blood can get. but it doesnt matter. no one will be talking about my victory tonight. they’ll be too busy talking about yours. howd you drench clarisse the beast anyway?

i dont know, it was like the water in the toilet just responded to me… what?

ab: i really hope that doesnt mean what i think it means…

what? what does what mean?

lukie: come on, grab some dinner and let the nectar flow!

why did she scrape part of her plate into the fire? is the food here that bad?

ab: (sung) so i left virginia and i ran away.

wait, is that true?

all: (adlib and tell percy to go)

oh, no. if i try to sing, itll probably cause an avalanche.

lukie: hey, we’re all friends here. give it a shot.

ok, uhm… (sings)

silena: yea, whos your godly parent?

oh… i dont know.

lukie: go on. make your offering.

to my dad. whoever he is!

lukie: check it out! the stars!

whats going on?

lukie: i told you, sometimes the gods send a sign.

is that a… fork?

chi: its a trident. it seems your godly parent has claimed you after all. all hail perseus jackson, son of the sea god- poseidon.

my dads poseidon? oh sweet! … what? … luke whats going on?

mr dih: i dont know, hed be a lot safer as a dolphin. we all would! hear that thunder? zeus knows we’ve got him and he aint happy!

wait, ZEUS? like, the king of the gods? i dont understand, why is he mad at me?

mr dih: no, he needs to know. havent you noticed that there arent any other little sea godlings running around? no sons of hades or daughters of zeus? the big three gods arent supposed to have kids!

the big three?

chi: kronos’ most powerful sons. zeus, hades…

… and poseidon

mr dih: and you know why? because theyre always trouble. son where’d you stash it? better ‘fess up now, or i’ll get the hekatonkheires to pat you down. hes called the hundred-handed one so, yknow, THAT wont be fun.

stash what?