AMANDA - Scene 2.6: Criminal Genius - Suburban Motel

(Start unit)

So here’s what we have to do…In a nutshell we have to strike fast. I mean there’s a force being directed at us at this very minute so we have to do something pre-emptive.

PHILLIE: No.

What.

PHILLIE: No match.

(Throws the cigarette away) Okay. Here’s the plan. But first I’d like to make an observation. I look at you people and I think nobody really understands you. They misdiagnose your problem. They observe you in your natural habitat. Doing the things you do and they think “Drugs. Heavy drugs.” But it’s not drugs is it. It’s something else … What is it…Stupidity? Help me out here. What is it. Some common thing that binds you all together…Well?

STEVIE: (looks at ROLLY) Definitely…And…sadness…The sadness of…

The stupid?

SHIRLEY: Kindness.

What.

SHIRLEY: Kindness. Every time I get into trouble it’s because I’ve been too kind. Usually to a man I forgave when I should have punished…I haven’t punished people enough…I’ve been too…kind.

Anyway here’s the plan…We have to kill him. Kill him as dead as a doornail. And fast. If we kill him we’ll be in good shape. We might even be in a position for a takeover. I can assume the throne. I can rule his criminal empire. You can be my…assistants. But we have to kill him. If we kill him he won’t be coming after us. He won’t be hiring anyone to come after us, any cops, or ex-cops, or any of his friends in the Asian gangs or any other ethnic gang. He’ll be dead. But for him to be dead we have to kill him. If we kill him, he won’t be able to get married again and father any other children and dominate and ruin their lives. But we have to kill the son of a bitch. If we kill the son of a bitch…and maybe if I take control of the criminal empire and hire you as assistants you’ll have money and prestige and people won’t be able to observe you in your natural habitat and think “Drugs” or “Stupidity” or “Bad luck.” Or any combination of those things because you won’t look the same or act the same because money and prestige can change the way people look and act…But we have to kill him. We really do…We have to…So whatya say.

SHIRLEY: Yeah. Punish the bastard. Whack him before he whacks us.

And whack us he will. Make no mistake. That’s how he thinks. He’s making plans to whack us right now.

PHILLIE: You know this guy pretty well then.

He’s my father.

ROLLY: I’m sorry. But you have to count us out. We don’t do violence. Under any circumstance.

Really?

ROLLY: It’s a thing.

That right, Stevie?

ROLLY: No we’re not proud of it. We never said that. It’s just a thing we have…And we’ve always had it.

Well I’m afraid you’re gonna have to lose it.

ROLLY: And without a thing, what are you. I’ll tell you.

Don’t bother.

ROLLY: No. I wanna tell you.

You don’t have to tell me. I know. You’re afraid this one..quality, if you can call it that, this “thing” is something that keeps you special in some way. It’s the “thing” that prevents you from becoming inconsequential, insignificant nothings. But you’re wrong. It doesn’t do that at all. It just limits your options. Because you are inconsequential nothings. You really are. With or without the thing. So lose this non-violence hang-up before it gets us all killed.

ROLLY: That’s right. We can’t.

Sure you can. Think about it.

ROLLY: So we can’t do violence. We just—

Tell them to shut up.

SHIRLEY: (to ROLLY) Shut up.

How come you hire guys who have an issue around violence. I mean how do you work with that.

SHIRLEY: It’s never come up before. I’ve always just hired them as carriers, messengers, snitches, that kind of stuff. This was the first thing that required action, balls.

And they fucked it.

ROLLY: So what that you saw me. Why are you piping in with “I saw you.” You don’t count.

Well I count. And I saw you. Got annoyed. And burned my father’s restaurant down. And that was a mistake. I’m admitting that now. That’s the thing that’s gonna make him wanna kill us. And so because you let me see you, all of this is really your fault.

ROLLY: Oh sure blame me.

I am.

ROLLY: Oh sure go ahead and blame me. Like it’s my fault.

It is your fault. Didn’t you hear me just say it was your fault.

STEVIE: Usually, always. What’s the difference.

Tell them to shut up.

SHIRLEY: (to ROLLY and STEVIE) Shut up.

Okay. Look maybe if we just think of this as an act of defence. We’re just defending ourselves … You’re not against defending yourself are you.

ROLLY: Well … what do you mean.

AMANDA kicks him quickly in the groin.

ROLLY: Ahhhh …

What I mean is if you knew I was about to do that again would you try to stop me.

ROLLY: Ahhh … yes.

How about you.

STEVIE: Definitely …

Okay. Just think about what my father’s gonna do as a big kick in the crotch.

STEVIE: I’d run.

We’re not gonna run.

STEVIE: But … I’d run

Running is not an option.

PHILLIE: What’s wrong with running.

You got a non-violence thing too?

PHILLIE: Definitely … Violence is bad … Let’s run.

No one is running.

PHILLIE: I am.

No you’re not.

PHILLIE: Yeah, definitely. You’re scary. If your father’s even a bit like you I’m running … I mean I haven’t even done anything and I’m running just to be on the safe side.

You’re not going anywhere. I need you.

PHILLIE: Me? How can you need me. You don’t know anything about me.

I know that I need you. Five is better than four. Especially when two of the four are these two goofs.

STEVIE: Me too.

No one’s running. (to SHIRLEY) Tell them.

SHIRLEY: Maybe running isn’t such a bad idea. I mean your father kinda scares me. I mean I’m really just a small time player and he—

We’re not running! If anyone runs they get tracked down like a dog kicked in the groin and then have their hearts cut out…No one is running. This is a battle. You are an army. You are my army in the colossal battle I am about to have with my father and his army. It’s a battle for control over a colossal empire of evil corruption and I’m gonna win this fucking battle and put my father in the fucking ground. And you’re gonna help me do it!! You’re not much. You’re a bunch of pathetic nothings. But you’re all I’ve got. And you’re gonna fight! I have a plan. We’re going to implement this plan. Anyone who fails to implement his or her part in this plan gets kicked in the crotch and loses a heart. I mean it. Everyone look at me and see if I mean it…Well do I mean it…Is everyone looking…Do I mean it…Do I!?

ROLLY: You really hate your father don’t you.

Yes. I do. I really do.

ROLLY: Whatya mean by that.

Okay shut up. Here’s the plan…No wait…(she paces for a moment, talking to herself) Okay got it…Here’s the plan…No… h. I’m…Something’s happening to me here. I’m losing self confidence. Yeah. I’m feeling a bit unsure of myself. (to SHIRLEY) That’s what happened to you isn’t it. Do you think it has something to do with being in charge of this particular group of zany individuals.

SHIRLEY: Probably … I mean look at them.

Yeah…it’s not like you feel you’ve got a strong support system in place…

SHIRLEY: No…Definitely not.

Yeah well…Here’s the plan anyway.