the day th internet died Clarice lines

CLARICE: Hi, welcome to H&M! 30% off all outwear. That’s coats, lightweight coats, hats.

30%. Hi welcome to H&M! Hi, welcome to H&M.

(BETTY storms in, a handful of shirts in her hand.)BETTY: Oh thank goodness! I’ve been looking for someone for the last thirty minutes and I am

exhausted!

CLARICE: Oh. Well—BETTY: This shopping in real life thing...it is exhausting! I am exhausted by this! I like to click

my shopping. You know what I mean. With the finger, and the clicking. This walking and

carrying things is awful!

CLARICE: Well, I can certainly help or I could call a personal shopper and—BETTY: Did I say I wanted a credit card?! No! I just want a code! Where is it?! Where’s the code!

You know, like 6XBY-G669X. Or similar. A code!

CLARICE: Well, if you apply for an H&M credit card—BETTY: Uh! Useless! Here! Put this in my cart I’ll be back in three days!

(BETTY throws her clothes at CLARICE.)

CLARICE: Uh, wait! BETTY: Yes?!

CLARICE: You can’t just...I can’t hold all this for three days. And besides we don’t even have

carts! BETTY: What do you mean you don’t have a cart?

CLARICE: We have bags? Would you like a bag?

BETTY: No I would not like a bag, you...cat-faced shrew!

CLARICE: Uh, well then I can’t— BETTY: I need a freakin’ cart! That’s where all items go! In a cart! On the right-hand corner of

my screen! It’s...my cart! On Amazon! I have a cart on Amazon!

CLARICE: Reviews?

CLARICE: Well I don’t—

CLARICE: FrankyTanky doesn’t review our clothing. We don’t...have reviews for you to read!

Maybe I could tell you what I—

CLARICE: A bicycle...what is that? An actual bike that you can cut pizza with?

CLARICE: Why would anyone ever need that?

CLARICE: Well we don’t carry any of those things.

CLARICE: This is...H&M. We sell...clothes. We don’t sell tablet chargers or weird pizza cutters.

CLARICE: H&M doesn’t stand for Here and Many? Who told you that?

CLARICE: Yeah. Probably three different stores. Those are pretty different products.

CLARICE: Yeah...I mean maybe a store like Walmart might have—

CLARICE: I wish you’d stop calling me that—