M & F Exam 3

Marital Satisfaction

a genuine feeling of pleasure, satisfaction, and joyfulness experienced by a husband and wife when considering ALL aspects of their marriage

What are the predictors of marital satisfaction?

1. Relationship quality before marriage

2. Similarity

3. Level of healthy communication

4. assets and liabilities

5. equity in roles and responsibilities

6. health of sexual relationship

7. time spend together

8. conflict resolution

According to Gottman marriage is a

skill-based relationship where proficiency is possible

Gottman utilizes his mathematical background to

predict divorce

Gottman can predict divorce at a

with over 90% accuracy

Gottman predicts divorce by looking at

how couples converse and problem solve

Love lab opened when

1986 in University of Washington

Gottman did what during the lab

he observed facial expressions, heart rates, blood pressure, skin conductivity, and the words used in conversation between partners

What did he discover during conflict

the magic ration

Magic ration states

one needs five positive responses to replace one negative response leading to more successful marriage long term

If the negative responses outweigh the positive

marriages will be unsuccessful

Things to remember about marriages

All couples disagree

there is no compatible couple

All couples have irreconcilable differences

there is no “magic” only hard work and commitment

How many irreconcilable differences does a couple have?

at least 10

What must be identified and counteracted in a marriage?

the four horsemen of the apocalyse

What percentage of divorce couples had the horsemen especially prevelant within their relationship?

80%

What are the four houseman?

Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling

Criticism

making disapproving judgements or evaluations about your spouse

Complaint

addressing a specific action at which your spouse failed

Criticism differs from a complaint because

it adds negative words about your spouse’s character or personality, it attacks

Something that helps with preventing criticism/a repair attempt involves

avoiding using “you” which indicates blame, and exchange it with “I” which expresses feelings, don’t use works like never & always

Is this a complaint or criticism? “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”

•Complaint

Is this a complaint or criticism?  “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!”

•Criticism:

Contempt

feeling that your spouse is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn

What does contempt evolve from?

Comes from a position of moral superiority

Fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about partner

Couples that are contemptuous are more likely to suffer from

infectious diseases due to weakened immune system

What is the most significant horseman?

contempt

Common way contempt is delivered

sarcasm

Typically ways one expresses contempt

Name-calling

Eyerolling

Cynicism

Disgust

Mockery

An example of : The other responds “You’re tired? Seriously?! I’ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. I don’t have time to deal with another kid. Could you be any more pathetic?” 

contempt

What is a friend to contempt

belligerence

Belligerence

aggressive anger containing threat or provocation

Example of: •Wife complains that her husband doesn’t’ come home from work in time for dinner, the husband says, “Well, what are you going to do about it?”

Belligerence

Defensiveness

not listening but defending yourself against a presumed attack

Another way to consider defensivenss is

blaming your partner

Defensiveness depicts what type of attitude?

Martyr

Martyr

•Self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood (martyr) “The problem isn’t me, its you.”

Defensiveness does what for the conflict?

Escalates the conflict

Example of: “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?”

•Defensive response

Stonewalling

refusing to listen to your spouse, particularly his/her complaints

Cycle or pattern that leads to stonewalling

In discussion that begin harshly, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which leads to more contempt and more defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out

Why do individuals’ withdrawal during stonewalling

individual is feeling flooded

When does stonewalling typically occur in marriage?

later

Who typically stonewalls

85% are the husbands because they are biologically wired to become more easily overwhemned by marital conflict

Emotional flooding occurs

when a spouses negatively whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness is so overwhelming that is leaves the individual shell-shocked

Emotions that occur during emotional flooding

rage, hurt, panic, and fear

What happens the more an individual gets flooded

they feel more hyper-vigilant to cues that might suggest the spouse is about to blow again

Physiological response to emotional pain

emotional flooding

What are the seven principles to making marriage work?

1. Establishing/Build love maps

2. Share fondness and admiration

3. turn toward each other

4. manage conflict

5. Create shared meaning

6. Make dreams come true

What are the different part of marriage conflict?

let your partner influence you

solve solvable problems

overcome gridlock

What is the weightbearing walls of the house that make marriage

trust and comittment

Love maps

knowledge about one’s spouse

What is involved in developing a love map?

being familiar with your partner’s world; understanding their lived experiences, knowing their love language

Share Fondness & Admiration involves

nurturing an environment of respect

Fondness and admiration require

believing your spouse is worthy of respect

Revisiting your relationship can predict with what percent of accuracy the future of your relationship (particular stability)

94%

What are some ways to increase fondness and admiration?

Date nights

Share activities

Expressing Appreciation

Complimenting your Partner

Turning towards one another requires

your focus and attention to be on your spouse; you should be present

One should never what in marriage?

push away your partner

Doing the small things

helps build an emotional reservoir so during difficult times or mess ups they do not matter as much because you have wiggle room/the positive interactions outweigh the negative.

6 second kiss

start and end the day with a six second kiss is a great method of turning towards each other

What does letting your partner sharing influence with you look like?

Big decisions, sharing opinions

different types of problems

perpetual and solvable

Perpetual Problems

difficult or impossible to solve/change

Perpetual problems can lead to

gridlock

Solvable problems

are more straightforward and surface level but not always solved

What causes gridlock?

Persistent disagreement that cause conflict, unrealized dream (these dreams typically fuel the persistent disagreements)

Possible solution to gridlock involves

creating shared meaning

Shared meaning looks like

fusing goals, roles, and rituals

Why are repair attempts important in marriage?

They decrease emotional tension between spouses

Repair attempts can

prevent flooding

If there are no attempts or the other person does not respond positively to the attempts

the marriage is in trouble, significant sign divorce is in the future

Another Complaint vs. Critiscm: •"I am so tired at the end of the day, and it is so frustrating for me to walk into a sink full of dishes.“

complaint

Another Complaint vs. Criticism: •"I am so tired, and you never care about that. You always leave the dishes in the sink."

How can defensiveness be a reaction to criticism?

Overexplain; take on a victim mentality; counter-criticize; use “but”

Example of a reaction to criticism:

 "Well, I would have cleaned the dishes, but when I went to clean them, there was no dish detergent, and then I went to the store and…“

Example of a reaction to criticism:

•"You are always so mean to me!“

Example of a reaction to criticism: "I will start doing the dishes when you start taking care of the lawn better. You are always ignoring that.“

Counter-criticize

Example of a reaction to criticism:  "I know the dishes are a mess, but can't you just ignore it for tonight?"

Use “but”

Typical disposition during stonewalling

you look away remain silent through most of the conversation, and perhaps even cross your arms across your chest

What rational instincts do you loose during stonewalling?

problem-solving, humor, affection

What instincts do you activate, fear, freeze, or flight

Example Complaint, contempt, or criticism: •"Oh of course, I walk into a filthy house after a long day. What else would I expect from someone like you? I should have known when I met your family how lazy you'd be."

complaint, criticism, or contempt

Criticism: •You always talk about yourself. Why are you always so selfish?”. Give an anecdote?

•“I’m feeling left out of our talk tonight and I need to vent. Can we please talk about my day?”

Contempt: •“You forgot to load the dishwasher again? Ugh. You are so incredibly lazy.” (Rolls eyes.) Anidote?

•“I understand that you’ve been busy lately, but could you please remember to load the dishwasher when I work late? I’d appreciate it.”

Defensiveness: • “It’s not my fault that we’re going to be late. It’s your fault since you always get dressed at the last second.” Antidote

•“I don’t like being late, but you’re right. We don’t always have to leave so early. I can be a little more flexible.”

Stonewalling: •Look, we’ve been through this over and over again. I’m tired of reminding you” Antidote

•“Honey, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need to take a break. Can you give me twenty minutes and then we can talk?”

Interrupting conversations/arguments usually

helped decreased tension and anxiety

What did the result say

•Each partner, without even knowing it, physiologically soothed themselves by reading and avoiding discussion. They calmed down, and once they felt calm, they were able to return to the discussion in a respectful and rational way.

What are signs a marriage may end in divorce?

Harsh conversation start up, the four horsemen; emotional flooding; body language; failed repair attempts, bad memories.

What are the different types of couples

Violative, Conflict Managed that, validating, , hostile and hostile-detached.

Volitive Marriage

Highly emotional

In conflict both begin with persuasion

Debating is characterized with laughter, shared amusement, and humor

love to debate and argue but it is not insulting or disrespectful (banter vibes)

5 to 1 ratio present’

must negative affect (anger/insecurity) is expressed but not contempt

argue about roles but emphasize connection and honesty in their communication

Conflict Avoiding relationship

minimize persuasion attempts and instead emphasizes their areas of common ground

avoid conflict, avoid expressing what they need from one another, and congratulate their relationship for being generally happy

Have balance between independence and interdependence

have clear boundaries and are separate people with separate interests

minimally emotionally expressive, maintain the 5 to 1 ratio

Validating marriage

interactions characterized by ease and calm

somewhat expressive but mostly neural

emphasize support and understanding of partner’s point of view

confront their differences, but only on some topics and not others

can become highly competitive on some issues which can turn into a power struggle which they then calm down and compromise

5 to 1 ratio present

Hostile relationship

high levels of defensiveness on the part of both parties

the husband was usually the validator and wife avoider

a lote of criticism, “you always” and “you never” statements and whining

during conflict each partner reiterates their own perspective and no support or understanding appeared between partners for each person’s point of view there was lost of contempt

ALL FOUR HORSEMEN PRESENT

Hostile-Detached

like two armies engaged in a mutually frustrated and lonely standoff with no clear victor, only stalement

snipe at one another during conflict, although the air is full of emotional detachment and resignation

ALL FOUR HORSEMEN PRESENT

Forgiveness

a decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with or hold debt, someone who has wronged you.

forgiveness can lead to

openness to possible reconciliation and relationship repair

forgiveness is

a choice

Stages of marriage

the honeymoon

the reality check

managing differences

I could get use to this

do you remember when

in sickness and health

golden years