2 relationships and attraction

• Attachment theory 

• In infancy, people develop models of close relationships they carry throughout their lives 

• Secure attachment

• Reliable caregiver 

  • good, dependable bond

• Avoidant attachment

• Unavailable caregiver 

  • independent and apathetic reactions

• Anxious/ambivalent attachment 

• Undependable, unpredictable caregiver 

  • suspicion, low exploration, distress

Social exchange theory 

• People make decisions about their relationships by weighing benefits and costs 

• Success depends on

  • Satisfaction

  • Presence of attractive alternatives 

Equity theory 

• We are motivated by fairness in relationships

• Not just “winning” the C/B ratio

Exchange relationships 

• Focus on equity and reciprocity

• No responsibility for other’s well being

• Relatively short term

Communal relationships 

• Feelings of closeness, oneness, shared identity

• Highly responsive to other’s needs 

• Relatively long term 

Attraction — Proximity

• The more we see and interact with people, the more likely we are able to start a relationship with them 

• Functional distance

  • Closeness between places in terms of interaction opportunities 

  • Friendship formation in apartments 

• Mere exposure effect 

• Tendency for a novel stimulus to be liked more/rated more positively after repeated exposure to it 

• Close proximity from young age → genetic relatedness mechanisms → incest aversion

• Halo effect

• Belief that physically attractive people possess wide range of positive characteristics

• Important features: facial symmetry, averageness, health, fertility 

• Halo effect in reverse: we perceive likable people as more attractive 

• Contrast effects

• Exposure to very attractive people can lead us to see others (even ourselves) as less attractive 

• Matching hypothesis 

• Tendency to choose partners who match self in attractiveness and other qualities 

• Why is similarity important?

• Less conflict happens when others have similar viewpoints (balance theory)

• Validation of our own characteristics and beliefs (self-verification)

• Belief that similarity will lead to more equal interaction and trust (reciprocity, equity)

• Complementarity hypothesis

• No widespread evidence for this (opposites attract) 

Sex differences 

• Men prefer features signifying fertility 

• Women prefer features indicating maturity, prestige, and dominance 

Passionate love

• A state of intense longing for someone 

  • Intense physiological arousal

  • Psychological interest

  • Care for their needs 

  • When good: fulfillment and ecstasy 

  • When bad: sadness and despair 

Compassionate love

• Affection felt for those with whom lives are deeply connected but not necessarily experiencing passion or arousal 

  • Strong commitment

  • Deep affectionate attachment 

  • Shared values 

• Passion 

• Strong and intense feelings, longing to be with, infatuation, physiological arousal 

• Intimacy 

• Emotional closeness, bonding, sharing 

• Commitment 

• Decision to love and maintain a long term relationship with someone 

Triangular theory of love 

Commitment 

• Associated with long-term relationships 

  • Encourages sacrifice and forgiveness 

• Investment model (commitment)

• Builds on social exchange theory 

• More commitment with:

1. Satisfaction 

2. Few high-quality alternative partners 

3. Investment (time, effort, caring, shared experience) 

What’s bad for relationships — Complementarity hypothesis

• Perceived dissimilarity in long term relationships is bad for relationship quality and can predict breakup 

Problematic attribution styles

• Partner does something good, EXTERNAL attribution

• Partner does something bad, INTERNAL attribution 

Four horsemen of the apocalypse 

1. Criticism 

2. Defensiveness 

3. Stonewalling 

4. Contempt (worst, thinking your partner is a bad person and behaving so) 

Keys to success 

• “Why did your marriage last” study 

  • Friendship, commitment, similarity, positive affect 

• Engagement, positive responsiveness, playfulness, idealization 

• Romantic love can last long term