dolphins script

Welcome to the 2026 Dolphins Synchronized Swim Show!

We’ll be your hosts for tonight’s show! We’ll also be doing interviews with the celebrities and quasi-celebrities who’ve flown in to see the show. Because the theme is Dance Break, we’ll be sure to ask them some questions about their favorite moves!

Until then, I’m here. 

I’m Eve N. Jellicle! I’m so excited to spend the night with all of you! I’m not excited to spend the evening with Neil. Neil took me on a date a month ago and didn’t pay. Even though he drives a rusty 2001 Toyota, it’s still his job. Can everyone boo Neil? pause for everyone to boo Neil In my spare time, I like to practice angry faces and I’m learning the bagpipes. Thank you.

Tonight, you will have the privilege to watch these dolphins perform routines they’ve been working on for months to perfect!

This year’s roster features 2 4th-years, 7 3rd-years. 9 2nd years, and 9 new members! These girls have worked so hard- Lucky whispers something to Eve Oh, right. There are some boys in the show too. Shout out to all 10 of them too. Anyway, please take this time to silence your phones so they don’t go off during one of the songs! 

Welcome back! I’m Lucky Guess.

And I’m Eve N. Jellicle. We’re here at the Dolphin show with more special guests to come.

And it stinks of success.

That’s your body odor, Lucky. I know you don’t own deodorant.

Deodorant is bad for you because of the aluminum.

Whatever.

I’m getting a call. 

Dude, I told you to put your phone on silent. That’s the first thing they teach you at famous school!

But this is urgent!

What’s more urgent than the Dolphin show?

The callerID says John Pork.

That is important. Pick up.

John here. John Pork. Nice to meetcha.

Mr. Pork! It’s an honor to finally meet you.

Oh, Lucky, I am real. I’m here. In the pork.

So, John, what are you here to see tonight?

Because porpoises are weird looking.

No, we got it. But you’re literally a pig-man hybrid. You have no room to talk.

Look, there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s room for all in the animal kingdom.

That’s very inspirational. How did you celebrate women’s history month?

Well, I’m going on a date with this gorgeous swine I met. Her name’s Jackie Bacon.

Bacon bacon bacon.

Please don’t say that. That’s very offensive to my people.

 I’m sorry.

Look, everybody likes pork, right? So just try to be something that everybody likes. It worked for me. Be yourself, but . . . piggier.

Wow, that’s . . . horrible advice, actually.

Everyone’s a critic these days.

Well, John, do you have any pig dances to share with us?

 Well, our time’s up! It was great talking to you, John. Bye!

Good riddance.

Twins! Who are you wearing tonight?

Redrum.

Oh! Is she an up-and-comer?

Redrum.

No, I got you the first time. Is this your first red carpet?

Redrum.

I’ll take that as a yes. What’s your favorite part about tonight? Have you seen any cool famous people?

Come and play with us.

Oh, no thanks, I have a job to do. I’m a journalist. I interview people who didn’t graduate high school but somehow have millions of dollars. So that’s fun.

Come and play with us.

Wait, that was kinda cool. What do you guys like to play? 

Come and play with us.

Actually . . . I’m kinda bored. Maybe I’ll leave. I love to play.

Come and play with us . . . Anita.

What a performance by these ladies! Much better than whatever that vampire was getting at. Alright our next guest- oh. Oh ladies and gentlemen our next guest is an actual dolphin.

That's right Lucky and he is pretty upset with these dolphins using his name for their swim team.

Not a big deal?? I’m sorry, I thought in the year of 2026 we were finally done with this ruthless appropriation. These girls are NOTHING like real dolphins! They have no respect for the culture. I bet they’ve never even SEEN the ocean!! We’re in the Midwest!!!!

Alright Mr. Dolphin-

*makes a weak feeble attempt that goes on way too long while Dolphin gives disapproving looks and Eve is disappointed*

Alright Lucky please stop. We’re very sorry Mr- uh, sir. But these girls worked very hard on this show! And they chose to name themselves after real Dolphins because of the inspiration you all provide with your beautiful swimming and elegance in the water!

We’re marine MAMMALS you specist!! I’m going to get all the dolphins together and we’re gonna cancel this whole show.

No wait! Please sir there must be something we can do!

Oh I- looks at Eve who’s giving a “you better eat that” look okay. *munches* runs off stage to throw up

Lucky!!

Alright. I’m very sorry for everyone who had to see that. Next up is someone very important to the pool. We’re not legally allowed to be here without her, please welcome a lifeguard!

Hey, thanks for having me! I’m so happy to be here. 

(first time) Uhhhhhh

I’ve been a lifeguard since I was fourteen, so I’ve been doing it for a few years now. I’ve loved to swim all my life, and I really-

(second time) Duhhhhhh

I’m sorry, is there something wrong? Are you guys okay?

(third time) Duhhhhhh

Oh. Okay. Um. This is my third Dolphins show, and I haven’t had anyone drown on my watch, so I’d say I’m doing pretty well.

*Anita and Lifeguard giggle awkwardly and after a bit Neil and Lucky chortle away loudly*

Yeah! So I’ve swam all my life. I’ve competed in a bunch of meets. I do all the different strokes.

Do you like doing the front crawl?

Yeah, that’s my favorite. I’ve gotten gold in that one.

Wow. That’s impressive.

Thank you.

Do you have any dance moves to show us? Maybe you can sway a little or something?

 *slaps Neil in the face* I don’t dance.

So does your boyfriend like to swim with you or . . . 

Oh, I actually don’t have a boyfriend. I just got out of a situationship with a guy who played a bright yellow ukulele and kept talking about being evil. I’m ready for a nice guy.

Hey!

Actually, I’ve always liked nerdier guys. Boys who look like they like comic books.

Let’s get back on track. Miss Lifeguard, have you ever had to give CPR?

Not to any person, but I am certified. 

Ohhh nooo I think I need CPR… 

Not happening, pal. 

What about me?

Well… you are pretty cute. C’mon.

Well, thanks again for joining us tonight!

I hope you really enjoyed all the effort these kids have put in so far! 

Now we’re going to take a brief 15-minute intermission. Get up, stretch your legs, talk about how handsome I am . . . 

Ew.

If nobody gets concessions then we don’t get paid to be here.

We still don’t get paid to be here.

 (alien) Next up, we have a real treat for you folks! 

That’s right! Our next guests have made their way to the dolphins show… all the way from outer space! Oh look, here they come now!

(alien) You could say that.

 Interesting. So what brings you to the Dolphin show?

Well, I have been sent as a representative for the Plutonese people. We are outraged.

About what?

Well yes, this is a dance which is very important to my planet. It represents the metamorphosis from slorm to adult Plutoneon. 

dances very very strangely

Fascinating… So- you want to convince us to return Pluto’s planetary status?

alien looks at you and doesn’t respond to your previous question

Did you hear me?

Yeah! What? Sorry . . . I was . . . distracted. I think you might be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. You’re also the only woman I’ve ever seen. 

Um . . . thanks. *turns to Neil* See! Even an alien knows how to treat a woman better than you!

(alien) Also, Eve, will you go on a date with me?

Oh, sorry, I’m like, really busy…

Well, that was phenomenal! I’ll be dancing till September too!

How much are you getting paid for this?

(Houdini) I am not.

It shows. Well, on a more magical note, we’ve got an extremely special guest and Wisconsin native here with us tonight. Give it up for master illusionist Harry Houdini!

(Houdini) Hey! Happy to be here. I heard there were dolphins?

If one more person asks about dolphins I’m gonna go home.

I knew you were going to say that. I’m also a psychic in addition to a genius magician and escape artist. Watch me escape from these handcuffs.

Harry whips out a pair of handcuffs, snaps them onto his wrists, and fails to escape. Anita releases him

Well you’ve really got the moves, Harry.

Well, I used to escape from glass boxes underwater. I escaped from being suspended upside down from a crane while chained up. And I escaped from my wife when she asked me to do the dishes.

Impressive.

(Houdini) The last one was the hardest.

I’m sure.

Something I used to do with college kids. Besides the hazing. Those were the days! Anyway, here’s the challenge. If I can’t escape from this rope in five seconds, punch me in the stomach as hard as you can.

5..4..3..2..1.

Oh, ow, oh, ouch, oh my-

Sorrysorrysorrysorry

Okay. I feel a death coming on. Time to make my dramatic exit. Alakazam! 

Harry limps away groaning

This is kind of sad.

I feel bad for him.

Yeah. But he did deserve it a little bit. Well, now it’s time for the next song. Let’s disappear too!

Next up, we have the 2004 runner-up for GQ’s Most Desirable Man of the Year. That’s right folks, you might need to sit down for this one. Here he comes now… The one, the only, Napoleonnnnn Dynamiteeeee!

Hi Napoleon! Hey, what’s that on your shirt?

 A liger.

What’s a liger?

Like anyone could even know that! Gosh!

Moving on, what have you thought of the show so far? 

It’s been pretty ok I guess. I’m really hungry though. Isn’t there anything good to eat around here?

 Did you get a dolphin cookie during intermission?

Whatever! Gosh!

Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?

Yes, like 50 of ‘em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?

Do you think you’ll go back to Alaska?

Well, this is an interview, Napoleon…

Before we wrap up, do you want to awe the audience with some dance moves? We’ve all seen how skilled you are!

Now I’m even more hungry! And my lips hurt real bad! Gosh! I’m gonna go find some tots. See ya!

Well, Napoleon might be bailing, but don’t worry, the show’s not over yet! Next up, our dolphinettes will be performing The Weather Girls’ iconic It’s Raining Men!

I’m Harry and this is . . . 

Voldy.

Oh, yes, we fight all the time. We fight about what cloak to wear, whose side of the dungeon is whose, what to do with our potion ingredients, his plans to take over the world. The usual things.

I will conquer you Buggles.

Right. I’ll keep that in mind. What about your friend here?

I am the dread father, the man with no name, the serpent lord, the most villainous villain of all time. Voldy.

You kind of look like a blonde teenager.

It is I. You must bow to me as your supreme ruler. I am hijacking this dolphin show. Yah!

You can take it. I’m not getting paid to be here so I really don’t care. Where’s Neil at? Neil! We’re getting taken over again! Do you wanna hide and cower in the locker room or the women’s room this time?

Silence, woman! No one shall intervene in my dastardly scheme!

Again, I was literally giving you whatever you wanted. We are not fighting back. Do you want me to say that in Spanish for you? I can because I’m fluent in Spanish and I speak Spanish fluently. Ahem. No lucharemos. Nosotros no lucharemos.

Wait, really? You’ll just like let me have it?

Yeah I don’t care. You can try hosting this show. I had to talk to a literal Pilgrim who kept talking about bile. Nothing can be worse than that.

Wow. Thanks.

What! No! Voldy, you are NOT going to hijack another red carpet group. That’s three this month!

What? It’s awards season.

That is unacceptable behavior. You can’t keep doing these things. 

Come on! You never let me do anything I want!

You have to stop taking over groups of teenagers.

squares up to Harry Make me.

steps closer to Voldy Glad to.

holds up a fist Why I oughta

Try me.

They hold eye contact for a while

 Okay. Fine. I give up. I don’t want to hijack you guys anymore.

Fun?

I’ve had the time of my life.

God I just love that song tearing up And those dolphins just swim so beautifully- cries obnoxiously

Alright Lucky we all think they did great but none of us are being babies about it. Ugh stop being such a loser.

Sorry. For all you criers out there these next guests are sure to cheer you right up, please welcome, cat and dog!

(first time) meow and woof obnoxiously

oh oh, oh my goodness really? Is this a joke Lucky?

 No jokes here folks, these are our distinguished guests and we are very happy to have them, Eve.

(second time) meow and woof obnoxiously

Ughhh. So cat and dog, what has been your favorite dance so far- cut off by intense barking and hissing Oh my god Lucky!! This cat and that dog are our guests? Seriously!? I did NOT become a renowned interviewer to talk to cats and dogs! I got waitlisted from Harvard for Celebrity Interviewers for this???

 Mhm I think I heard Out of my League. Yes I liked that one too.

Lucky stop being ridiculous you didn’t hear anything- cut off by meows/hisses and woofs UGHHH

Abracadabra? That was very good. Eve, why don’t you try asking Cat a question?

I’m not asking a stupid cat a question. 

 meow and woof obnoxiously

Oh just try.

 Fineeee. Cat what did you think of- *cat scratches Eve* dog starts barking loudly OW!! DUMB CAT! Ugh Lucky I think I’m bleeding! I’m getting these two dirty strays out!!

Alright ladies and gentlemen these wonderful Dolphins have put on quite a show, but unfortunately all good things must come to an end. They have one last astonishing number to put on, but first, please welcome our last special guests of the night, the Trolls!

Hello everybody!! Ahh!! We are SO EXCITED to be here!!

(trolls) (first time) … ugh

Twig why do you always have to be such a killjoy? We’re at the dolphins show! 

I don’t owe it to anybody to pretend to be excited. Especially when all we’re watching is uncoordinated teens flail around in the pool. I mean am I supposed to be impressed by this?

YES TWIG! This is all very impressive! Everyone worked so hard to bring this beautiful show together and you’re not appreciating it!

I can’t synchronized swim on my own, brainiac. That defeats the entire point of synchronized swimming. Duh.

Well then at least let the kind interviewer ask his questions.

 … I liked it because the room went dark, like my soul. Actually I don’t have a soul.

Twig!! Stop being so negative! I for one LOVED the Time of My Life number!! I got teary eyed, Lucky!! I love a good romance, especially an enemies-to-lovers.

 (trolls) Because I hated it

Ugh Twig why don’t you like the show!?

 I cried for eighteen days straight. I miss her every day. Sometimes I hear that song and it reminds me of her. So yeah. Synchronized swimming killed my grandma.

 I’m so sorry Twig. But doesn’t seeing everyone getting so much joy from this show make you feel happy?

YeEAah YeEah!

cheers

gasps It’s hug time!!