chicago lines

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VELMA

The News says: Not in memory do we recall so fiendish and horrible a double homicide.

Ah, baby, you can’t buy that kind of publicity. You took care of Mama, and Mama took care of you. I talked to Flynn. He set your trial date to March the 5th. March 7th, you’ll be acquitted. And March 8th - do you know what Mama’s gonna do for you? She’s gonna start you on a vaudeville tour.

VELMA

I been on a lot of vaudeville tours. What kind of dough are we talking about?

Well, I been talkin’ to the boys down at William Morris and due to your recent sensational activities I can get you twenty-five hundred.

VELMA

Twenty five hundred! The most me and veronica made was three-fifty.

That was before Cicero, before Billy Flynn, and before Mama.

VELMA

Mama, I always wanted to play Big Jim Colosimo’s. Could you get me that?

Big Jim’s! Well, that’s another story. That might take another phone call.

VELMA

And how much would that phone call cost?

You know how I feel about you. You’re like family. I’ll do it for fifty bucks.

ROXIE

Who the hell do you think you are-

Roxie, Roxie, this here is Velma Kelly.

VELMA

You’re welcome.

Roxie, relax. In this town, murder is a form of entertainment. Besides, in forty-seven years, Cook County ‘aint never hung a woman yet. So it’s forty-seven to one they won’t hang you.

VELMA

There’s always a first.

Tell me, Roxie — what do you figure on using for grounds? What are you gonna tell the jury?

VELMA

You’re talking to the wrong people.

You see, dearie, it’s this way. Murder is like divorce. The reason don’t count. It’s the grounds. Temporary insanity. Self-defense.

VELMA

I’ve the tenderest heart in the world. Don’t I, Mama?

You bet your ass you have, Velma.

ROXIE

So that’s Velma Kelly.

Ain’t she somethin’. She wears nothing but Black Narcissus perfume and never makes her own bed. I take care of that for her.

ROXIE

You make her bed?

Well, not exactly. You see, Velma pays me five bucks a week, and then I give the Hungarian fifty cents and she does it. Hey, Katalin Hunyak, szeretnem ha megis-merned Roxie Hart ot.

HUNYAK

Not guilty.

That’s all she ever says. Anyway, you know who’s defending Velma, don’t ya?

ROXIE

Who?

Mr. Billy Flynn! Best criminal lawyer in all Chicago, that’s who.

ROXIE

How do you get Billy Flynn?

First you give me a hundred dollars, then I make a phone call.

ROXIE

I see, and how much does he get?

Five thousand dollars.

ROXIE

Five thousand dollars!

I’d be happy to make the phone call for you, dearie.

BILLY

That’s your grounds. Self defense.

Mr. Flynn, the reporters are here.

ENSEMBLE

Fans riot at Roxie auction!

Roxie’s Nightie Raises 200 Bucks!

VELMA

It drives me nertz.

Baby, I got some bad news.

VELMA

What do you mean?

I mean, the tour. It’s cancelled.

VELMA

Cancelled!

Well, your name hasn’t been in the papers for a long time. I been getting calls from the boys at William Morris all day. “We’ve lost interest.” “We don’t want her.” “She’s washed up.” “She’s a bum.” Do you know how it hurts mama to hear that about someone she cares for?

VELMA

Oh, sure.

All you read about today is that Hart kid.

KITTY

I’m not answering any more questions.

Come on, dearie. I’m gonna show you to your suite. You’re gonna love it.

LOOK AT MY BABY AND MEEE

I think it’s sweet. First time we’ve had one of our girls (knocked up, in the family way)

VELMA

Aaah!

Velma, take it easy.

VELMA

But those were my shoes.

Well, you shouldn’t have eft them layin’ around.